The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "The Shadow Wolves"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
27 total reviews
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda, I don't normally comment on your artwork, but this is a perfect compliment to your outstanding story! I kind of wish Tina Alice was somewhat older because there could be a romance in the air between her and Kurt! I enjoyed knowing that he isn't one of those horribly evil werewolf types! The conversation between them in this exceptional story was very intriguing and gave information about werewolves that most readers do not know! I thought it was perfect that Kurt transformed himself to walk her to the city limits! I hope nothing happens to him!
Rhonda take care and enjoy this day and the weekend my friend,,,,,Jim
Rhonda, I am probably going to leave fanstory in November! I allowed myself to let someone into my heart! That someone is on this site and there are times that I think it is a game to her. For me it is not and I feel she has played me for an old fool! So, I need to be gone from here! I am going to miss you and a few others! You have been a great supporter of my work! Also, I am refining the poem i have written for you! You are the best friend ever!,,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Rhonda, I don't normally comment on your artwork, but this is a perfect compliment to your outstanding story! I kind of wish Tina Alice was somewhat older because there could be a romance in the air between her and Kurt! I enjoyed knowing that he isn't one of those horribly evil werewolf types! The conversation between them in this exceptional story was very intriguing and gave information about werewolves that most readers do not know! I thought it was perfect that Kurt transformed himself to walk her to the city limits! I hope nothing happens to him!
Rhonda take care and enjoy this day and the weekend my friend,,,,,Jim
Rhonda, I am probably going to leave fanstory in November! I allowed myself to let someone into my heart! That someone is on this site and there are times that I think it is a game to her. For me it is not and I feel she has played me for an old fool! So, I need to be gone from here! I am going to miss you and a few others! You have been a great supporter of my work! Also, I am refining the poem i have written for you! You are the best friend ever!,,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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I will miss you terribly. You are a great friend and supporter. You are, also, a very talented writer. I'm sorry you've been hurt. You are a wonderful man. Thank you for being a friend!!
As for the werewolf, poor Tina develops a terrible crush on him, and it follows through the other books. It's cute, and will probably blossom into something more when she's a bit older.
Again, thanks for the six star review and the six star friendship.
Take care,
Rhonda
Rhonda
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Frightening story. Every movie or TV show seems to be about werewolves, vampires or some other supernatural creature. Are we living in the last days?
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Frightening story. Every movie or TV show seems to be about werewolves, vampires or some other supernatural creature. Are we living in the last days?
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Nah, and I have lots of characters in my series, including fun leprechauns and fairies. I do appreciate your review,
Rhonda
Comment from charlene7190
I am new here and seriously enjoying everything I'm discovering (like a kid in a candy store). I was absolutely drawn to your descriptive narrative and the conversations between Tina and Kurt. I can only hope to do as well somewhere in my future. Well done!
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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I am new here and seriously enjoying everything I'm discovering (like a kid in a candy store). I was absolutely drawn to your descriptive narrative and the conversations between Tina and Kurt. I can only hope to do as well somewhere in my future. Well done!
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much, Charlene! This is a fun site. It's addicting! I look forward to reading your work. There's a lot of really nice people on this site who will be more than willing to help you. Have fun,
Rhonda
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Thanks Rhonda, I am!!!
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda--an one of them there snarling bastards actually has a heard and thinks? I don't believe it, yet!
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda--an one of them there snarling bastards actually has a heard and thinks? I don't believe it, yet!
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Well, this one's a bit different! Who knows?
Thanks for the review!
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It suppose 'HEART' would make better sense than 'Heard'!
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Hi Rhonda!
My first time reading this story, and I really enjoyed this chapter! What is your target audience for this? Just curious. I would say YA. Is that correct?
It's well written. The narrative flows well, as does the dialogue. I might have liked a touch more 'showing' to build up the atmosphere a little more, but it's merely a passing observation.
A couple of things:
She could hear the footsteps - try to avoid 'could hear' 'could see' etc. if possible. Simply use 'heard' or 'saw'. It's more active. 'She heard the footsteps...
so I don't creap you out." - creep
Great work!
Av
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Hi Rhonda!
My first time reading this story, and I really enjoyed this chapter! What is your target audience for this? Just curious. I would say YA. Is that correct?
It's well written. The narrative flows well, as does the dialogue. I might have liked a touch more 'showing' to build up the atmosphere a little more, but it's merely a passing observation.
A couple of things:
She could hear the footsteps - try to avoid 'could hear' 'could see' etc. if possible. Simply use 'heard' or 'saw'. It's more active. 'She heard the footsteps...
so I don't creap you out." - creep
Great work!
Av
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Thank you so much! You've read some of the earlier chapters, but it's been a while.
I agree on the "could hear" part, thanks. And I knew creap didn't look right, thanks for finding it!
This chapter was a little loaded with info as I'm trying to set up another chapter. The problem with taking stories in isolation as we do. I do appreciate you bringing up all you found, and the positive feedback.
Take care,
Rhonda
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My sincere apologies, Rhonda. I honestly don't remember reading the previous chapters. I feel quite embarrassed now! Mind you, I can't remember where I put things half the time... :/
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That's okay, it's been a long book! I lost track of yours as well.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Tina looked into the face of a being so frightening, he seemed surreal. - A good first sentence. It's likely to grab the reader's attention.
Lips drew back over sharp canine-like teeth, and drool oozed over serrated lips. - Good imagery.
...Pointed her flashlight in the intruder's eyes like a fiery sword. - A good simile.
Her heart beat so hard she could hear the pulse in her ears. - The pulse in the ears description is fast becoming a cliche :-(
A rumbling growl came from Barlow, who didn't seem to like the direction of the conversation. - I'd nix the who didn't seem to like the direction of the conversation. It's a redundancy and detracts from the pace of the prose. The rumbling growl says it all.
"And..." - This needs a question mark.
"So, you're semi-vicious werewolves..." - Again, a question mark needed.
Kurt looked at Tina and shrugged his shoulders. Where she had expected irritation, she found a mixture of compassion and sadness. Kurt shook his head, the mane of blonde hair making him look more lion than wolf. - I'd break this into separate paragraphs. It's can be confusing to have more than one actor in a single paragraph. Thus: Kurt looked at Tina and shrugged his shoulders. [New paragraph] Where she had expected irritation, she found a mixture of compassion and sadness. [New paragraph] Kurt shook his head, the mane of blonde hair making him look more lion than wolf.
He paused a moment longer, piercing eyes sizing up Tina's resolve. - I'd nix the longer. First, I try to avoid needless adverbs and adjectives. Second, it implies he is continuing a pause, and that's inaction, whereas you've just said he shook his head, and that's action.
"You're asking me to commit treason against my pack." - This needs a question mark.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. You handle the sections of dialogue well. Short, sharp exchanges, as is normally the case in real speech. And, you don't include unnecessary tags, and yet it is clear who's speaking. However, it did feel like the protracted conversation between Tina and Kurt was an info dump. There's two things wrong with that. Firstly, info dumps are usually wrong in themselves, full stop. Secondly, it would be much more interesting for the reader if you drip fed the information to them. Tease your reader with the promise of more facts to come, don't dish it up in one sitting. Apart from that, this chapter works well. I enjoyed reading it. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Tina looked into the face of a being so frightening, he seemed surreal. - A good first sentence. It's likely to grab the reader's attention.
Lips drew back over sharp canine-like teeth, and drool oozed over serrated lips. - Good imagery.
...Pointed her flashlight in the intruder's eyes like a fiery sword. - A good simile.
Her heart beat so hard she could hear the pulse in her ears. - The pulse in the ears description is fast becoming a cliche :-(
A rumbling growl came from Barlow, who didn't seem to like the direction of the conversation. - I'd nix the who didn't seem to like the direction of the conversation. It's a redundancy and detracts from the pace of the prose. The rumbling growl says it all.
"And..." - This needs a question mark.
"So, you're semi-vicious werewolves..." - Again, a question mark needed.
Kurt looked at Tina and shrugged his shoulders. Where she had expected irritation, she found a mixture of compassion and sadness. Kurt shook his head, the mane of blonde hair making him look more lion than wolf. - I'd break this into separate paragraphs. It's can be confusing to have more than one actor in a single paragraph. Thus: Kurt looked at Tina and shrugged his shoulders. [New paragraph] Where she had expected irritation, she found a mixture of compassion and sadness. [New paragraph] Kurt shook his head, the mane of blonde hair making him look more lion than wolf.
He paused a moment longer, piercing eyes sizing up Tina's resolve. - I'd nix the longer. First, I try to avoid needless adverbs and adjectives. Second, it implies he is continuing a pause, and that's inaction, whereas you've just said he shook his head, and that's action.
"You're asking me to commit treason against my pack." - This needs a question mark.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. You handle the sections of dialogue well. Short, sharp exchanges, as is normally the case in real speech. And, you don't include unnecessary tags, and yet it is clear who's speaking. However, it did feel like the protracted conversation between Tina and Kurt was an info dump. There's two things wrong with that. Firstly, info dumps are usually wrong in themselves, full stop. Secondly, it would be much more interesting for the reader if you drip fed the information to them. Tease your reader with the promise of more facts to come, don't dish it up in one sitting. Apart from that, this chapter works well. I enjoyed reading it. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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I fixed the parts you suggested except two, and they were intentional statements, but I see where they could be either.
I know on the info dump, and it was really much more extensive until I shaved it down. The problem is, the info is needed for a later chapter, and no time to work it in. I'll see if I can trim it a bit more.
Thank you for the great and careful review. Six stars for the review,
Rhonda
Comment from Joy Graham
This is a well written chapter. I detected no nits. I like your description of the wolf guys,,and picture the blonde one like the guy from the Princess Bride movie complete with British accent. Descriptions of characters is something I need to work on for my own novels. I really am a newbie. So much to learn and improve upon.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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This is a well written chapter. I detected no nits. I like your description of the wolf guys,,and picture the blonde one like the guy from the Princess Bride movie complete with British accent. Descriptions of characters is something I need to work on for my own novels. I really am a newbie. So much to learn and improve upon.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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I have to work on it, too, as I tend to get caught up in the story, and forget to take the picture from my head and put it in other people's.
Thanks so much for the review,
Rhonda
