The Practice Confession
The grey area between right and wrong.18 total reviews
Comment from jpduck
First of all, welcome to FanStory, a great place to be. I enjoyed the style of your piece, with the occasional, imagined, question from the priest. A real struggle with conscience.
But I could not understand how the drug-addict, three weeks after being found dead, came to be in the car three weeks later, with her child in the back.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'I was only trying to help. Jenna [was] thought to herself'
'She lost her savings to *the* medical debt [of]*from* trying'
'I didn't know*,* until the news reported her missing'
Adrian
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reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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First of all, welcome to FanStory, a great place to be. I enjoyed the style of your piece, with the occasional, imagined, question from the priest. A real struggle with conscience.
But I could not understand how the drug-addict, three weeks after being found dead, came to be in the car three weeks later, with her child in the back.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'I was only trying to help. Jenna [was] thought to herself'
'She lost her savings to *the* medical debt [of]*from* trying'
'I didn't know*,* until the news reported her missing'
Adrian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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I was trying to imply that she had taken the child and kept her for 3 weeks. I did not convey that well. I appreciate you taking the time to write out the changes I need. I am a work in progress. I write only about very dry things like financial markets in real estate, but this is so much more interesting. I hope to get better. Good honest reviews I appreciate!
Comment from alleewin
HI,
I liked your story. It caught my attention right away. I felt like I was there looking into the car. I had mixed feelings for the young lady who had overdosed and I could sense the the ambivalence of the new mom practicing her confession. I liked the ending. She no longer needs to practice a confession.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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HI,
I liked your story. It caught my attention right away. I felt like I was there looking into the car. I had mixed feelings for the young lady who had overdosed and I could sense the the ambivalence of the new mom practicing her confession. I liked the ending. She no longer needs to practice a confession.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Inspired by watching the news, some of these stories make me so sad for the innocent little children. They didn't choose the life they get.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Great story. Did you enter this in the contest? There is a contest that requires the first line to be, "I was only trying to help."?
When I post I always look to see if there's a contest.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Great story. Did you enter this in the contest? There is a contest that requires the first line to be, "I was only trying to help."?
When I post I always look to see if there's a contest.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Contests are inspiring! Thank you for reading and reviewing it. :)
Comment from Heidi M
You used what could be a headline out of today's news to create this flash fiction. Nicely done!
For your consideration: In the second paragraph where she is rehearsing what she will say, I would suggest changing 'she' to 'I' so it would read "Three weeks ago, just twenty one days, on a Monday, I was late to work..." I can see her practicing it and believe she would say I, not she.
Nice job giving her backstory of desperately wanting a child.
Excellent twist at the end!
I enjoyed reading this. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
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You used what could be a headline out of today's news to create this flash fiction. Nicely done!
For your consideration: In the second paragraph where she is rehearsing what she will say, I would suggest changing 'she' to 'I' so it would read "Three weeks ago, just twenty one days, on a Monday, I was late to work..." I can see her practicing it and believe she would say I, not she.
Nice job giving her backstory of desperately wanting a child.
Excellent twist at the end!
I enjoyed reading this. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
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Thank you for that feedback. You are correct, she would think as I and not she! Appreciate that!
Comment from pharp
Welcome to Fanstory my friend, you did an excellent job in the penning of this story. It held my attention from the beginning to the ending. I really like the twist at the end where the baby is thought to have been found in the woods. Thanks for sharing a most enjoyable read and the very best to you in the contest. Blessings.....Portia
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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Welcome to Fanstory my friend, you did an excellent job in the penning of this story. It held my attention from the beginning to the ending. I really like the twist at the end where the baby is thought to have been found in the woods. Thanks for sharing a most enjoyable read and the very best to you in the contest. Blessings.....Portia
Comment Written 13-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I like that she just shifted. . . I almost ended it differently so I am glad you liked the twist.
Comment from oliver818
Great story, I
Liked the twist! It's true that we don't always know what's right, it can be hard to decide what's best. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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Great story, I
Liked the twist! It's true that we don't always know what's right, it can be hard to decide what's best. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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It was fun to get into the characters head and write. Thanks for reading it.
Comment from DonandVicki
A story with a moral story for al9t. You pulled me into the story quickly and I have enjoyed reading this very much.keep on writing.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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A story with a moral story for al9t. You pulled me into the story quickly and I have enjoyed reading this very much.keep on writing.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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Thank you! I am very new here, but I love the very fast feedback!
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
'looked like the girl next store gone wrong"??????
Excellently written. It kept my attention through the whole story. Great thought patterns and the way she changed to meet the need.
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reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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'looked like the girl next store gone wrong"??????
Excellently written. It kept my attention through the whole story. Great thought patterns and the way she changed to meet the need.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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next store! Oops spell check didn't catch it. Thank you!
