The Practice Confession
The grey area between right and wrong.18 total reviews
Comment from Jacmac1
Love the little story...it certainly could be the begining of a much larger story. I like the way you led the reader into the opening. It is a good read and I don't see any improvement needed.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Love the little story...it certainly could be the begining of a much larger story. I like the way you led the reader into the opening. It is a good read and I don't see any improvement needed.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Thank you! I have several thoughts on making it a bigger work. Maybe one day
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hmm, you've posed an interesting question. In some ways, she would probably be a good mother. She would certainly be attentive, but sure will be hard to get past the technicalities, and the whole deception thing might change her personality.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Hmm, you've posed an interesting question. In some ways, she would probably be a good mother. She would certainly be attentive, but sure will be hard to get past the technicalities, and the whole deception thing might change her personality.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Good point on the personality change. I might expand it one of these days.
Comment from damommy
They think the baby in the woods is the child that Jenna took? Great twist at the end. At least, she didn't kill the mother to get the child.
A very good entry for the contest.
Good luck. 8-)
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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They think the baby in the woods is the child that Jenna took? Great twist at the end. At least, she didn't kill the mother to get the child.
A very good entry for the contest.
Good luck. 8-)
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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I don't know either. I have about 11 ways I would want to expand it, I kind of just let it end there. hehehe. Thanks for reading and reviewing me!
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Yes, I think the ending is perfect. 8-)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good story. I wish there were a way for her to get forged adoption papers, since claiming Maddie is her daughter won't work with DNA testing around. The little girl would probably do better with a mom AND and dad tho.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Good story. I wish there were a way for her to get forged adoption papers, since claiming Maddie is her daughter won't work with DNA testing around. The little girl would probably do better with a mom AND and dad tho.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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It would be interesting to expand this. Maybe I will. Maybe I can find a dad. . . Thank you for reading it!
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Yes, you should try it.
Comment from robyn corum
TollyFaye,
Sorry, but this didn't quite go over with me. The beginning and everything worked okay. But the end was puzzling. You threw in those infant remains without an explanation and it left me confused. Where did they come from? Are they related to the story or not?
Confusing. I would suggest a little more clarification. Thanks!
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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TollyFaye,
Sorry, but this didn't quite go over with me. The beginning and everything worked okay. But the end was puzzling. You threw in those infant remains without an explanation and it left me confused. Where did they come from? Are they related to the story or not?
Confusing. I would suggest a little more clarification. Thanks!
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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hehehe. That was on me. I haven't decided if they are the remains of another baby mistakenly identified to make it easier for her to keep the baby or if she was going to discover the child she had, isn't the child she thought she had. I take complete blame for not finishing well.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Jenna thought to herself - Nix the to herself. Unless this is a paranormal piece, who else would Jenna you think to?
No wait. Her conscience interrupted. It started much longer ago than three weeks. - A nice paragraph. It's likely to intrigue the reader.
The nagging need for a child to call her own. - The use of to call her own instead of of her own is very effective foreshadowing.
"And then three weeks ago, on a Monday, not very long at all, really, if you think about it, not even a full month". - This isn't a proper paragraph. And you have a typo, the full stop should be within the quotation marks. In fact, for this to be a valid paragraph, you need to terminate the sentence with an ellipse (i.e. "...").
She always thought of time as cycles, particularly her cycles. - A nice aside that adds to the ambience of the piece.
When she saw me through the window she raised her arms and reached for me. - Good imagery.
"How did you do that?" They'd ask. -Typo. Maintain POV.
"Not a confession. A back story. That is what I need, instead." - A neat twist to end with.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have crafted it well. It's a good entry for the contest. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with the voting.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Jenna thought to herself - Nix the to herself. Unless this is a paranormal piece, who else would Jenna you think to?
No wait. Her conscience interrupted. It started much longer ago than three weeks. - A nice paragraph. It's likely to intrigue the reader.
The nagging need for a child to call her own. - The use of to call her own instead of of her own is very effective foreshadowing.
"And then three weeks ago, on a Monday, not very long at all, really, if you think about it, not even a full month". - This isn't a proper paragraph. And you have a typo, the full stop should be within the quotation marks. In fact, for this to be a valid paragraph, you need to terminate the sentence with an ellipse (i.e. "...").
She always thought of time as cycles, particularly her cycles. - A nice aside that adds to the ambience of the piece.
When she saw me through the window she raised her arms and reached for me. - Good imagery.
"How did you do that?" They'd ask. -Typo. Maintain POV.
"Not a confession. A back story. That is what I need, instead." - A neat twist to end with.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have crafted it well. It's a good entry for the contest. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with the voting.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Thank you for taking the time to review. I never thought about the fact that she would obviously be talking to herself--unless it was paranormal. All of your insights were very nice to read. I want to get better so I appreciate it. In my other writing life, I write articles for real estates. Types of roofs and market trends. This is a new and fun!
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My pleasure :-)
Comment from barkingdog
I'm a little confused. I thought Jenna took the child home, but in the end the newscaster says the infant's remains were found in the woods.
Did she kill the child or bury her?
One correction:
- Jenna [was] thought to herself, looking out at the rain.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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I'm a little confused. I thought Jenna took the child home, but in the end the newscaster says the infant's remains were found in the woods.
Did she kill the child or bury her?
One correction:
- Jenna [was] thought to herself, looking out at the rain.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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I don't really know. I think it will turn out to be another child, but then they will quit looking for the one she has. I had more details, but had to stay under 750 words. The struggle was real!
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Somehow you need to cut some words somewhere and let us know that the child they found in the woods isn't the one Jenna has.
'It's not you, (Matilda). You're here with me."( seven-eight words)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I like the premise of this and it has a good little twist at the end as good flash fiction should have. A few little bits to look at though -
Jenna was thought to herself - either thought or was thinking. I would opt for thought as the use of 'was' can be very passive and it's already been used for the given opening sentence.
I would suggest looking through again and trying to eliminate 'was' as much as possible from the narrative. It slows things down.
saw a car halfway broken down on the road." - this reads a little disjointedly. perhaps a car broken down, hallway along the road. or a broken down car...
Her conscience interrupted - this doesn't seem like the right turn of phrase, perhaps consciousness. or I'd opt for something like 'her train of thought.'
Jenna became obsessed with a baby - having a baby.
"I was only trying to help." She said - "I was only trying to help," she said.
"And then three weeks ago, on a Monday, not very long at all, really, if you think about it, not even a full month". - this sentence doesn't really go anywhere. Also the end punctuation should be inside the speech marks.
She continued, her practice confession, leaving it out for now - you don't need the first comma.
As it was, in these narrow streets - delete the comma.
They ask. - they.
Be careful of tense shifts. I think a couple of times it wavers between present to past.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Hi there,
I like the premise of this and it has a good little twist at the end as good flash fiction should have. A few little bits to look at though -
Jenna was thought to herself - either thought or was thinking. I would opt for thought as the use of 'was' can be very passive and it's already been used for the given opening sentence.
I would suggest looking through again and trying to eliminate 'was' as much as possible from the narrative. It slows things down.
saw a car halfway broken down on the road." - this reads a little disjointedly. perhaps a car broken down, hallway along the road. or a broken down car...
Her conscience interrupted - this doesn't seem like the right turn of phrase, perhaps consciousness. or I'd opt for something like 'her train of thought.'
Jenna became obsessed with a baby - having a baby.
"I was only trying to help." She said - "I was only trying to help," she said.
"And then three weeks ago, on a Monday, not very long at all, really, if you think about it, not even a full month". - this sentence doesn't really go anywhere. Also the end punctuation should be inside the speech marks.
She continued, her practice confession, leaving it out for now - you don't need the first comma.
As it was, in these narrow streets - delete the comma.
They ask. - they.
Be careful of tense shifts. I think a couple of times it wavers between present to past.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Thank you! I really appreciate that you tool the time to look it over and share your insights. It is a bit out of my element to write like this, but I shall improve and you gave me much to think/work on. In my "real" writing life I analyze markets for different real estate markets and write about sales trends. I didn't realize how hard it is to only write 750 words! Work in progress I am. Thank you! Thank you!
Comment from bob cullen
This is so well written. I must confess I didn't see the ending coming. That is good.
If I had one negative thought it was the fact I didn't know who she was talking to.
On the positive side, the reader has empathy for Jenna.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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This is so well written. I must confess I didn't see the ending coming. That is good.
If I had one negative thought it was the fact I didn't know who she was talking to.
On the positive side, the reader has empathy for Jenna.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Thank you. If it helps I don't think she was actually talking to anyone just herself. I wrote it and it had 1200 words, and getting it to 750 was hard.
Comment from ioana.u
Nice story! "I was only trying to help" does sound like the beginning of an excuse or justification, so you had a good idea. And you chose a very debatable subject. I liked the twist at the end.
Ioana
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Nice story! "I was only trying to help" does sound like the beginning of an excuse or justification, so you had a good idea. And you chose a very debatable subject. I liked the twist at the end.
Ioana
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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It does feel like an excuse doesn't it? Thank you for your review!
