The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "Tina's Courage Game"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
22 total reviews
Comment from mfowler
How could you do that to Tina? Poor kid has risked life and limb to escape and now she's caught by the nasty canines just a real opportunity to get help is at hand. Loved how you left this with the cliff hanger although all our money's on the wolf. But, that's where you tend to surprise so I'll hold my breath.
I liked the double story in this chapter. Shifts the action around and keeps each section fresh. I think that's a good thing to consider when we present weekly. Sometimes a character and its storyline lose contact with a reader's consciousness if we go weeks in between. I know it might not be an author's style, but it works well in these pieces with a third person/omniscient point of view.
I particularly liked the scene where Bruce and Nancy cut the rope. It's very well shown as the details unfold via action description and dialogue. The slow burn style let me participate in the drama and tension more fully.
This is a very good chapter and most engrossing. I've made a few suggestions below that might help impact by tightening up a few spots. Hope they help.
Suggestions:
He wasted very little time rubbing them for better circulation, or for any other wasted movement. ... The final phrase ie 'or for ...etc, is hard to understand; at least for me. The sentence would stand well without it.
But, if I'm reading it strangely and you need to keep it, please notice the use of 'wasted' twice close together. (You picked me up on one of those a while back. Really jars up when you read aloud. LOL)
The courage game she was in was real, and she was so scared her whole body was trembling ... four 'was' in one sentence. Maybe: This courage game was real. Feeling frightened, her whole body was trembling. (Eliminates two 'wases' and makes the sentence crisper.)
A frustrated, and forlorn, scream surged up her throat and erupted in a piercing cry. ... Being picky again. I think this sentence is way too convoluted and the power of the scream is lost in process. Something simple, dramatic would emphasise her plight more effectively eg A frustrated, and forlorn, scream erupted from within her.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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How could you do that to Tina? Poor kid has risked life and limb to escape and now she's caught by the nasty canines just a real opportunity to get help is at hand. Loved how you left this with the cliff hanger although all our money's on the wolf. But, that's where you tend to surprise so I'll hold my breath.
I liked the double story in this chapter. Shifts the action around and keeps each section fresh. I think that's a good thing to consider when we present weekly. Sometimes a character and its storyline lose contact with a reader's consciousness if we go weeks in between. I know it might not be an author's style, but it works well in these pieces with a third person/omniscient point of view.
I particularly liked the scene where Bruce and Nancy cut the rope. It's very well shown as the details unfold via action description and dialogue. The slow burn style let me participate in the drama and tension more fully.
This is a very good chapter and most engrossing. I've made a few suggestions below that might help impact by tightening up a few spots. Hope they help.
Suggestions:
He wasted very little time rubbing them for better circulation, or for any other wasted movement. ... The final phrase ie 'or for ...etc, is hard to understand; at least for me. The sentence would stand well without it.
But, if I'm reading it strangely and you need to keep it, please notice the use of 'wasted' twice close together. (You picked me up on one of those a while back. Really jars up when you read aloud. LOL)
The courage game she was in was real, and she was so scared her whole body was trembling ... four 'was' in one sentence. Maybe: This courage game was real. Feeling frightened, her whole body was trembling. (Eliminates two 'wases' and makes the sentence crisper.)
A frustrated, and forlorn, scream surged up her throat and erupted in a piercing cry. ... Being picky again. I think this sentence is way too convoluted and the power of the scream is lost in process. Something simple, dramatic would emphasise her plight more effectively eg A frustrated, and forlorn, scream erupted from within her.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for the details. They were all very helpful, and I've gone and made the changes you suggested. You're right on the repetition. This chapter gave me a lot of trouble, and I changed it more than I have any other. In the end, I gave up and posted it, and you helped by catching what I didn't.
You are so right on all of them, and it helped fix parts I struggled with! You're a great help, my friend!!!
Rhonda
Comment from Hayley Solomon
Very good, I think you should apply for a seal of quality.
Excellent read, none of the usual reservations I have related to crafting.
i think this has real marks potential, reads fluidly. This is the first segment I have read, but it is easy to extrapolate quality. Character seem real.
Lovely.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Very good, I think you should apply for a seal of quality.
Excellent read, none of the usual reservations I have related to crafting.
i think this has real marks potential, reads fluidly. This is the first segment I have read, but it is easy to extrapolate quality. Character seem real.
Lovely.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Wow, thank you so much! I appreciate all of your comments, and your suggestion to apply for a seal of quality. I will look into it. I wish you had been reading all along, but am glad you chose to read this chapter.
Thanks for the stars and the props!!
Rhonda
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Yes, a pleasure. Sorry about my appalling typos. This site seems to change everything I type and does not pick up my capitals! I feel like a twit and I keep forgetting to check before pressing send button! One of the problems with fs is that captures arrive in relatively random order, or only those promoted at a given time. Sorry I missed the rest - I have people reading my own novel backwards, too!
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That's okay. I've done that with others as well. I'm excited to have a new friend!
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You definitely do! The amazing coincidence is that I had the most incredible, wonderful midwife for my three sons... the loveliest person and guess what her name was? Rhondda Davis, I kid you not!!! (I think she spelled hers with a double d)
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Just reread my reply and the bloody thing changed the word chapters to captures and AGAIN I forgot to check!!! Oh, woe is me!!!!! (or supremely stupid is me,laughing)
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How funny!! I wanted to be a midwife once upon a time. In fact, one of my books, "Body of a Horse, Heart of a Man" had a midwife as a prominent character.
So, are you Hayley Ann Solomon? Of the Zebra Regency Romance fame?
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I've given up trying to keep things normal on this site. I think we just all overlook it for each other.
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Yes, not sure it is fame, but certainly all the Zebra regencies are mine. :)
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Well, I'm impressed! Congrats on it, and I'm so happy to have you on this site. I am especially proud of your opinion of my work. Last post I had a pretty nasty review that stung. You know how we artist types are. Now I feel better about it again. haha.
Well, off to bed. I look forward to reading your work.
Rhonda
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Sleep well. Nasty people are often just jealous. And let me tell you, there are some terrible writers on this site who seem to think a great deal about themselves! Avoid them like the plague and believe yourself.
