Buttons
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Touring the Button Factory. "Revenge for molestation
6 total reviews
Comment from heyjude
Judy, another fine chapter to your book. The only thing I noticed was
a typo... in the seventh paragraph... down the hall (past)... Otherwise,
I can't see anything to change, but I'm not very good reviewing stories.
You are able to draw people into your story and make them wonder
what will happen next.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2016
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Judy, another fine chapter to your book. The only thing I noticed was
a typo... in the seventh paragraph... down the hall (past)... Otherwise,
I can't see anything to change, but I'm not very good reviewing stories.
You are able to draw people into your story and make them wonder
what will happen next.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2016
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thank you so much. School started and we are doing the musical "High School Musical" So I am having early mornings and late evenings. I hope to get back to writing soon.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Judy, a couple of things, but first to say it was a great chapter and I liked the dialogue.
"It was orininally set up by Alfred Schumaker" = "it was originally set up .."
He did seem a little jealous = he did appear a little jealous. Saves you using 'seem' twice right after each other.
How He did nothing = How he did nothing.
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Hi Judy, a couple of things, but first to say it was a great chapter and I liked the dialogue.
"It was orininally set up by Alfred Schumaker" = "it was originally set up .."
He did seem a little jealous = he did appear a little jealous. Saves you using 'seem' twice right after each other.
How He did nothing = How he did nothing.
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 08-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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thank you , I love the way you catch things . I will be changing them very soon.
Comment from Heather Knight
Very interesting story. The dialogues are my favourite bit, they are very well written.
I think I spotted a couple of typos:
past the lounge area (instead of pass)
an oversized clothes washers (the an is not necessary)
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016
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Very interesting story. The dialogues are my favourite bit, they are very well written.
I think I spotted a couple of typos:
past the lounge area (instead of pass)
an oversized clothes washers (the an is not necessary)
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016
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Thank you so much MJ. I will go and correct those right away. Judy
Comment from winnona
I really like the details about button making. Your story is moving right along. Well written, very realistic and very enjoyable. Another good chapter with realistic characters.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016
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I really like the details about button making. Your story is moving right along. Well written, very realistic and very enjoyable. Another good chapter with realistic characters.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016
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thank you, I watched a whole video on how they are made. It was fascinating. These machines are amazingly accurate. Thank so much Winnona.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very interesting chapter. Good for Mary planning to divorce William. If he doesn't take it well, she coud be in danger. She should take Delaney with her.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016
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Very interesting chapter. Good for Mary planning to divorce William. If he doesn't take it well, she coud be in danger. She should take Delaney with her.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016
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Yep, she is going to meet William very soon. He has Cherry with him so she knows he will pretend to be noble. He will try to make her feel like she is the crazy one. That should be an interesting chapter to write.
Comment from emptypage
Hi.
I like this chapter. I'm curious because I'm jumping in midstream, I guess, and I need to go back and read the previous chapter(s).
It sounds gruesome (buttons sewn into lip, eek!), but every good mystery thriller does. The Catholic flavor is appealing to me, too, since I consider myself Catholic even though I stopped attending Mass a few years back. Any story with Catholicism involved get a read by me.
A couple of things. You wrote: "It was pain-staking and slow." Painstaking is either one word or, if hyphenated, it is written "pains-taking." We take great pains to find the needle in the haystack, or we do a pains-taking review of the IRS forms to be certain every box has the correct answer before we submit them.
Also, use contractions. People rarely say, "I will see you later." They say "I'll see you later, " or "See you later." The more contractions you use, the more realistic the dialogue.
Also, in these two paragraphs, you could make the entire thing into dialogue. No need for "he said" or "she said" after the beginning because readers understand who is talking.
Your paragraphs: "I understand, Mary. It sounds like something you need to do. I won't judge you. Are you going back to your apartment tonight? Will you be safe? Has he ever physically hurt you?"
"I will go back tonight. I can't put it off any longer. He will not physically hurt me. If he tries I will call for help. If I don't face him now, it may never happen." They were about twenty minutes from her place.
My suggestion:
"I understand, Mary. It sounds like something you need to do. I won't judge you. Are you going back to your apartment tonight?"
"Yes. I can't put off telling him any longer."
"Will you be safe? Has he ever physically hurt you?"
"He (won't) hurt me. If he tries, I'll call for help."
Also, the entire first section has no dialogue except on the part of Joe. He's lecturing, not conversing. If maybe Mary and Delaney asked a question or two, the first block would be much easier to read.
Hope this helps. Good start.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2016
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Hi.
I like this chapter. I'm curious because I'm jumping in midstream, I guess, and I need to go back and read the previous chapter(s).
It sounds gruesome (buttons sewn into lip, eek!), but every good mystery thriller does. The Catholic flavor is appealing to me, too, since I consider myself Catholic even though I stopped attending Mass a few years back. Any story with Catholicism involved get a read by me.
A couple of things. You wrote: "It was pain-staking and slow." Painstaking is either one word or, if hyphenated, it is written "pains-taking." We take great pains to find the needle in the haystack, or we do a pains-taking review of the IRS forms to be certain every box has the correct answer before we submit them.
Also, use contractions. People rarely say, "I will see you later." They say "I'll see you later, " or "See you later." The more contractions you use, the more realistic the dialogue.
Also, in these two paragraphs, you could make the entire thing into dialogue. No need for "he said" or "she said" after the beginning because readers understand who is talking.
Your paragraphs: "I understand, Mary. It sounds like something you need to do. I won't judge you. Are you going back to your apartment tonight? Will you be safe? Has he ever physically hurt you?"
"I will go back tonight. I can't put it off any longer. He will not physically hurt me. If he tries I will call for help. If I don't face him now, it may never happen." They were about twenty minutes from her place.
My suggestion:
"I understand, Mary. It sounds like something you need to do. I won't judge you. Are you going back to your apartment tonight?"
"Yes. I can't put off telling him any longer."
"Will you be safe? Has he ever physically hurt you?"
"He (won't) hurt me. If he tries, I'll call for help."
Also, the entire first section has no dialogue except on the part of Joe. He's lecturing, not conversing. If maybe Mary and Delaney asked a question or two, the first block would be much easier to read.
Hope this helps. Good start.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2016
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I so love your review. This is the 15th chapter of a novel. In the first chapter, not the prologue, I wrote seven thousand words. That should have been another, what seven chapters. I Asked Tom on fanstory if i could edit them into seven chapters and he said no. Once released, it has to stay that way.
If you are brave enough to read the "first chapter" Way too long. Then you will understand the characters. I love your suggestions and will probably take every single one of them.
Joe speaks in first person through out the Novel, unless he is around other people.
He was molested by a priest, Had a non supportive, evil mom and has become a revenge killer.
Mary has her own demons. Anyway. Especially since I value your feedback I would love it, if you could go to portfolio to read the book from the beginning. Unfortunately, I have nothing to reward your reading because I obviously can't promote this entire story on chapter at a time. Also, I have to go back and edit because I have learned so much on Fanstory since I joined in February, when I first started this novel, that I need to change so many things.
Hope you will continue to read. The prologue explains why I started it.
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How do I find your first chapter? I'd be happy to.
