Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Some nice touches of alliteration in that opening paragraph.

Gelada pulled up a chair where she could sit near Nancy, resting the chair legs inches from Nancy's face.
- you could easily trim this down to Gelada pulled up a chair, resting it inches from Nancy's face.

Good continuation and all the daredevils back together now.

Not sure how I missed this post! lol
G

 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016

I don't know, either, but I'm very glad you went back to it. Thanks so much for the review,
Rhonda

Comment from Walu Feral

Exceptional

G'day sis. Two in a row, I'm getting good at this reviewing stuff!

"trussed up and guarded by slobbering werewolves." (Yum! You can't beat some good old werewolf drool, I always say! )

"Her brother-in-law was bloody and bruised," (I didn't know that he was her brother-in-law or perhaps I'd forgotten.)

" "I was just lying around counting floor tiles. You should try it--it's quite therapeutic." (Hahaha!)

" and have been (in) just about every profession you can imagine."

Beautiful chapter. Nancy sure does have some balls! Very well written once again, mate.

Cheers Fez

 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016

Thanks, Feral! Again, I so love your honest and personalized reviews! I'm also glad you had a chance to get caught up. It means a lot.
Say howdy to the Kwalas!!
Thanks for the six stars!!

Cowgirl

Comment from Dustybones

Exceptional

Another great chapter for Nancy and Bruce and the werewolves. I wonder what the stockroom caverns are, some sort of underground hidding place? Maybe a way out?

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016

Tina has already used them to get out in the last chapter. She found the place surrounded by police, but they wouldn't believe her stories, so she went off on her own to help. I'm about to take the story back to her. Thanks for reading, reviewing, and for the beautiful six stars!!

Have a great weekend,
Rhonda

Comment from Pam (respa)

Excellent

-I like the image.
-The chapter continues as Nancy engages Gelada.
-The back and forth barbs between them is good.
-Sally has the best idea, telling Nancy it isn't worth her breath, as Gelada isn't going to change.
-I like Nancy's compliment to Gelada about having been a good principal, as Mrs. Pierson, of course.
-Gelada could care less.
-Bruce explains what happened with Tina, and manages to use his wit in replying to Nancy.
-Looking forward to the next chapter.

 Comment Written 08-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 09-Sep-2016

Thank you, Pam, for the wonderful review! I know it wasn't long enough, but sometimes you juggle with too long and too short!
Thanks for the great comments. They are always very helpful and supportive.

Take care,
Rhonda

reply by Pam (respa) on 09-Sep-2016

You are very welcome. I am sure it is not easy, but it was still a good chapter.

reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016

Thank you!

reply by Pam (respa) on 11-Sep-2016

You are welcome. Have a good day.

Comment from rspoet

Exceptional

This chapter is well written
we get to see a little more of the satirical personality
(if that is the right word) of Gelada
and that she didn't like being the principal of the school
well, with all the politicians interfering with education,
who can blame her for that.
Three hundred years old, hmmm, she looks pretty good in the art work
for having lived all those years,
If she been a principal for three hundred years
she'd surely look much more like an old hag.
Bruce is earning his stripes, taking one for the daredevil girls
and perhaps the world
A lot of pressure on spunky, little, blonde twelve-year-old Tina
The makings of a true daredevil girl
A short chapter,
Well done

 Comment Written 08-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 09-Sep-2016

Thank you so much for the review and the bright golden stars!
I tried to show the relationship between Nancy and the witch, who was once her boss, also to set up the whereabouts of Bruce before I return to the story of Tina.
I'm glad it all came through,
again, I appreciate your review!
Rhonda

Comment from RPSaxena

Exceptional

Hello Rhonda,
It's a nice piece of Fantasy Science Fiction, having smooth flow throughout from the 1st paragraph up to the end.
Impressive, and perfectly matching the theme phraseology.
Good dialogues enriched with such sentences:"Tough talk from the chicken nugget on the floor," Gelada said.
Interesting indeed!

 Comment Written 08-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 09-Sep-2016

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments, and the much appreciated six stars. You're a dear.
I'm glad the dialogue worked well, and maintained the flow of the story.
Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Rhonda, a great new chapter. I really liked the great dialogue in this piece while they are waiting for what is to happen.
'Nancy lie curled up on the stage' = Nancy lay curled up on the stage'
Looking forward to what's next. All the best. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 08-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016

I don't think I'll ever get lay and lie down...
Thanks for the review, and the comments. I should post another soon!
Rhonda

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

I like the conversational banter in this chapter, Rhonda, and I like the way you had Gelada appear. The characters are likeable and work together well. I'm very engaged with the story and can't wait to read more, Giddy

 Comment Written 08-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016

Thank you, Giddy! I should post another pretty soon. I'm trying to decide a direction to go. There's more that happens at this place, but it's a bit dull and I can probably work it in later.
Again, thanks!!
Rhonda

Comment from Alex Rosel

Excellent

A nice opening paragraph that sets the scene.

...Trussed up like so many Christmas turkeys... - This is a bit of a cliche. It this was mine, I'd look to reword this.

Gelada pulled up a chair where she could sit near Nancy, resting the legs inches from Nancy's face. - I'd have used resting her feet instead of resting the legs. It seems more natural to me, and anyway, Nancy's head is against the ground. Concentrate your reader's mind on characters, not objects.

"Tough talk from the chicken nugget on the floor," - If you don't nix the Trussed up like so many Christmas turkeys at the beginning, this is discordant :-(

...She almost burst a seam in her sleazy nightgown - Another cliche.

The dialogue passage starting with "Bruce, Bruce..." is good. Short, sharp exchanges, devoid of unnecessary tags, and very natural sounding. Indeed, I like how you handled all the dialogue in this piece.

A minor concern is that is it told in a very matter-of-fact way. To generate the best reader response, it might be worth experimenting with revising this with asides, internal thoughts, shifting timelines and giving a small word count over to sub-plots. Nonetheless, a nice easy read that flows well. Not quite up to a 6 star rating from me - I only have two remaining and I save them for the truly exceptional - but well on the way :-)

 Comment Written 06-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016

I'll start at the end. I do have shifting timelines if you follow the chapters. This chapter is a shift in timeline in itself. The internal thoughts got me in trouble with other readers who felt I should show not tell.

I actually made up the saying about being trussed up like turkeys and was hoping it didn't sound too made up. I can remove it, though.

On the resting legs, it was legs on the chair, not hers, but point taken. I was trying to set the stage.

I'm not worried about the 6 stars, and I'm sure there were works more to your standards to give them to, but I do appreciate the very thorough review. Only with these valuable reviews can we improve.

Thank you,
Rhonda

reply by Alex Rosel on 06-Sep-2016

My pleasure.

Yes, I was unsure of your book's structure. The problem with the FS format is that readable chunks are often read in isolation :-(

reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016

I know, that is a big problem with this site. One of the things about my book is that I change timelines a lot!! That's one of my main hooks.

If you don't mind, go back and read it again and see if the changes work!

Thanks.

reply by Alex Rosel on 06-Sep-2016

Hi again, Yes, to my eyes, the changes have improved it. However, I'd still be looking to reword a couple of things somewhere. This needs a couple of standout sentences somewhere. Something that will make the reader sit up and think, hey that's smart. Where you insert those killer sentences depends on what you can come up with.

If you feel so incline, take a look at the couple of stories I've loaded up on FS so far. Look for how I've attempted to hit the reader between the eyes with a striking clause or sentence. It may give you a better idea of my way of thinking. Of course, there are no rules to creative writing and some people don't like my approach.

Also, if this was mine (and I stress I've only read one of the previous excerpts, so this may not fit the structure) I'd be looking to rework this paragraph:
Bruce, discovered in his escape attempt, lay close beside her on the stage. A rather large werewolf dragged him in about half an hour earlier and dropped him on the stage. Her brother-in-law was bloody and bruised, muttering continually in feverish incoherence.

If Nancy witnessed this event, I'd try and shift the narrative timeline back to it. Detailing it through Nancy's eyes. (I assume that the event isn't detailed earlier in the book.) This would also be a good opportunity to swap the telling for showing.

However, please be aware that this kind of critique I only usually give when I've read the entire work. This is because, even though I'm a bit of a structure perfectionist, I need to see the whole picture in order to be able to give detailed advice.

I hope that's helpful, if only in a minor way.

reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016

That is very helpful. I am trying to get that "feel" for the showing rather than telling business, and am trying to get there. I know what you mean about the memorable sentences, and usually have one in the chapters, but, again, this is a small snippet, and only a part of the real chapter. Read in a whole, I think it makes more sense. This chapter ended up being too short, but to have added the rest, would have made it too long for people to want to read.

Thanks again,
Rhonda

reply by Alex Rosel on 07-Sep-2016

My pleasure :-)

Comment from boxergirl

Excellent

Hi Rhonda,
I hope your school year is off to a good start.
Good job with your story line. Nancy does a good job of keeping her cool.
I did think it a little strange that Gedalda would be wearing a nightgown in the midst of all that's going on...even though it was a funny image.

 Comment Written 06-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Sep-2016

Thanks for the review and comments! My students are very good, but our school year was a bit rocky as we lost a very well loved teacher was killed in a car accident. He was loved community wide, and set quite a damper on the year. This was two weeks before school started. Then a week later, another one died suddenly. Other than that, it's been great.

Yeah, I started to leave off the gown part, but I wanted to add an element of the ridiculous just for comic relief, and to show how erratic and self-centered she is. I should probably fine tune that part.

Thanks again,
Rhonda

reply by boxergirl on 07-Sep-2016

So sorry for the loss of your two teacher friends, a sad way to start a new year.

reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016

It has somehow brought us all together, though.