The Plan
Chapter 3: Teen boys plotting to runaway to Italy5 total reviews
Comment from Rasmine
Good writing. I like that there was a lot of showing not just telling. You had a lot of conversation, which is really good. I wish you luck in publishing it, and also good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Good writing. I like that there was a lot of showing not just telling. You had a lot of conversation, which is really good. I wish you luck in publishing it, and also good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Thank for your review. It is much appreciated.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very entertaining. I wish I knew who wrote this. It's part of a book, I see. I like the characters, especially the boy who thinks an IOU was a good idea. How innocent and naive. :)
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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Very entertaining. I wish I knew who wrote this. It's part of a book, I see. I like the characters, especially the boy who thinks an IOU was a good idea. How innocent and naive. :)
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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Thanks for the read and the comments.
Comment from emptypage
I loved this story. The characters are strong, the plot is interesting and hold my attention, and I can't wait to read the next chapter. I hope you will post it.
You have a number of comma splices and in one place you wrote "I can't breath" instead of "breathe," but these are minor flaws easily fixed with editing.
Great story.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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I loved this story. The characters are strong, the plot is interesting and hold my attention, and I can't wait to read the next chapter. I hope you will post it.
You have a number of comma splices and in one place you wrote "I can't breath" instead of "breathe," but these are minor flaws easily fixed with editing.
Great story.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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I tried to locate instance you cited: in one place you wrote "I can't breath" instead of "breathe," I read the chapter twice but could not find the mistake. By any chance do you recall approximately where in the chapter the mistake occurs?
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I'll go back and look. I usually say where. I forgot. Let you know asap.
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Thank you. I looked and looked but no luck.
Sorry to be a pain.
Comment from Heidi M
This is an interesting chapter that has a lot happening. Your description of Joe is excellent. He came to life when you described his actions while putting on a hat. When you pointed out that his pencil-line mustache, I could visualize him.
Excellent way to describe a nervous stomach: "slowly twisting like a pretzel".
You described Harry's search for money in a way that the reader could hunt through the room with him.
For your consideration: There is a section near the beginning where Sam is speaking and uses the word 'good' three times, in close succession. Pa's good with people; the store did good; he makes good money. Perhaps you could change out at least one of the 'good' words. Pa's good with people; the store made a profit; he makes fair money/enough money?
This is a very good chapter. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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This is an interesting chapter that has a lot happening. Your description of Joe is excellent. He came to life when you described his actions while putting on a hat. When you pointed out that his pencil-line mustache, I could visualize him.
Excellent way to describe a nervous stomach: "slowly twisting like a pretzel".
You described Harry's search for money in a way that the reader could hunt through the room with him.
For your consideration: There is a section near the beginning where Sam is speaking and uses the word 'good' three times, in close succession. Pa's good with people; the store did good; he makes good money. Perhaps you could change out at least one of the 'good' words. Pa's good with people; the store made a profit; he makes fair money/enough money?
This is a very good chapter. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Heidi. Changed to read: "Pa told me he built a fruit and vegetable cart; Bernardo hooked him up with some guy at Water Street. After a year, he had enough to rent a small store and expanded to groceries. Pa has a nice way with people. They like him. The store did good right away, after a couple of years, he started the bakery. He's not rolling in dough, but he is doing all right."
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That sounds great!
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Thanks for your help.
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You are welcome! Keep up the good work!
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Thanks.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"ploting" should be "plotting".
Seems the boys have reached the point of no return in being able to go back home.
They play to run away together and that is apparently what they intend to do.
Good characterization used throughout the telling of the story.
"Pa's" speech gives the flavor of being from Italy.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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"ploting" should be "plotting".
Seems the boys have reached the point of no return in being able to go back home.
They play to run away together and that is apparently what they intend to do.
Good characterization used throughout the telling of the story.
"Pa's" speech gives the flavor of being from Italy.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thanks for the catch re: plotting and for the comments.
