The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Escape"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
23 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Cowgirl. I'm way behind in reviewing, sorry about that.
"Above them towered a snarling beast, his voice loud and rough" (Great and scary way to start.)
"Forcing anger into the same spot in the back of her mind she had placed fear and worry," (That's basically how I used to cope when I was almost ready to leave "home.")
"You can have the cafeteria, too, where the werewolves are housed when they aren't in rooms." (Hahaha!)
"Uh, don't martyrs die?" Matilda asked." (lol. Good point.)
"Good point, victims, then," (See, told ya!)
"She released (a) tense breath as it eased open."
"There were emergency vehicles everywhere," (Lucky break. How did they know?)
"We got a call from a cell phone right before it went dead." (Ah, now I know. Damn flat phone batteries! There must be a better way!)
"The police officer looked at her like she was totally crazy." (Or just another drugged out, young hippy!)
Great job, once again, sis. You have moved it along beautifully since the takeover. It's typical of those with the power to do so, not to believe the kid! I know how that feels.
Well done.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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G'day Cowgirl. I'm way behind in reviewing, sorry about that.
"Above them towered a snarling beast, his voice loud and rough" (Great and scary way to start.)
"Forcing anger into the same spot in the back of her mind she had placed fear and worry," (That's basically how I used to cope when I was almost ready to leave "home.")
"You can have the cafeteria, too, where the werewolves are housed when they aren't in rooms." (Hahaha!)
"Uh, don't martyrs die?" Matilda asked." (lol. Good point.)
"Good point, victims, then," (See, told ya!)
"She released (a) tense breath as it eased open."
"There were emergency vehicles everywhere," (Lucky break. How did they know?)
"We got a call from a cell phone right before it went dead." (Ah, now I know. Damn flat phone batteries! There must be a better way!)
"The police officer looked at her like she was totally crazy." (Or just another drugged out, young hippy!)
Great job, once again, sis. You have moved it along beautifully since the takeover. It's typical of those with the power to do so, not to believe the kid! I know how that feels.
Well done.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Thank you for the six stars, brother!!
I'm glad you were pulled into the action. You have great attention for detail, something I"m not as good at. Must be that poetic mind of yours.
I'm also glad you are able to relate to the survival parts. You are the survival expert!!
Take care, for real,
Rhonda
Comment from Douglas Paul
Glad to see Tina escaped and did not let herself be talked out of trying to contact Emory. This chapter reads smoothly and I saw no errors
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Glad to see Tina escaped and did not let herself be talked out of trying to contact Emory. This chapter reads smoothly and I saw no errors
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for the generosity of the six stars, and for the review and comments.
How are you doing these days? Miss seeing you on here as often as you were, but understand other committments, and Dr. stuff.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from boxergirl
Hey Rhonda,
Nice continuation of your story line. You added another complication to your plot when Tina made it out but the policemen didn't believe her. So now she has to take matters into her own hands. Good story telling!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Hey Rhonda,
Nice continuation of your story line. You added another complication to your plot when Tina made it out but the policemen didn't believe her. So now she has to take matters into her own hands. Good story telling!
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much, and, I'm afraid we'll have to leave her to her own devices for a bit. Next chapter picks up on the inside with the other DDGs.
As always, I appreciate you input.
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Rhonda, she made it, but of course nobody believes her. No surprises there. So now Tina is on her way to find Emory Settler. Let's hope she gets to him in time. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Wow, Rhonda, she made it, but of course nobody believes her. No surprises there. So now Tina is on her way to find Emory Settler. Let's hope she gets to him in time. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thank you, Ulla. She'll have quite a journey ahead of her, but we won't hear about it until after a few chapters back inside with the others.
Take care, and have a great weekend,
Rhonda
Comment from DLBoo
As a fantasy writer myself, I just can't say enough how much I love a good fantasy novel.
With that being said. I love this excerpt.
I did notice one thing though, you have Matilda watching the library and the seventh graders and you gave Melba the sixth graders, however a little ways down you have Matlida watching the sixth graders because 'they're a handful by themselves.' Shouldn't this be Melba?
I can't wait to read some more of this story. Fabulous!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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As a fantasy writer myself, I just can't say enough how much I love a good fantasy novel.
With that being said. I love this excerpt.
I did notice one thing though, you have Matilda watching the library and the seventh graders and you gave Melba the sixth graders, however a little ways down you have Matlida watching the sixth graders because 'they're a handful by themselves.' Shouldn't this be Melba?
I can't wait to read some more of this story. Fabulous!
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thanks for noticing that mix up! I'm glad to find another fantasy writer! I'll have to check out your work, and I'm glad to have you review!
Equally, and especially, thank you for the wonderful six stars. Good start to my morning!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
Great chapter here. poor old Tina gets out and no one listens! But she's got a plan! LOL
Couple of things to think about -
"Matilda," Gelada said. "I want you to oversee the library and the hall on the left, both of which contain seventh graders. Travel around checking on things until everyone gets settled in.
"Melba, you take the middle wing, which is the eighth grade hall. Anastasia, you take the right wing with 6th graders. You can have the cafeteria, too, where the werewolves are housed when they aren't in rooms.
"Matilda, your territory is the center hall with sixth graders. They are a handful enough by themselves, so you'll only have one area. - I found this a ittle confusing as Matilda seems to be directed to different places with two different age groups. One of which the same as Melba. - should one of these be Anastasia?
It may be an idea to name which sister is speaking rather then saying one of the sisters. It would add to their character as at the moment they seem quite anonymous and not important.
she methodically made her way to the front doors - not so sure you need the adverb in here.
(what else did she do methodically other than keeping to the shadows which we already know?).
All the best
G
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Great chapter here. poor old Tina gets out and no one listens! But she's got a plan! LOL
Couple of things to think about -
"Matilda," Gelada said. "I want you to oversee the library and the hall on the left, both of which contain seventh graders. Travel around checking on things until everyone gets settled in.
"Melba, you take the middle wing, which is the eighth grade hall. Anastasia, you take the right wing with 6th graders. You can have the cafeteria, too, where the werewolves are housed when they aren't in rooms.
"Matilda, your territory is the center hall with sixth graders. They are a handful enough by themselves, so you'll only have one area. - I found this a ittle confusing as Matilda seems to be directed to different places with two different age groups. One of which the same as Melba. - should one of these be Anastasia?
It may be an idea to name which sister is speaking rather then saying one of the sisters. It would add to their character as at the moment they seem quite anonymous and not important.
she methodically made her way to the front doors - not so sure you need the adverb in here.
(what else did she do methodically other than keeping to the shadows which we already know?).
All the best
G
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much. The reviewer right before you caught the sister mix up, but thanks for catching it, too! I just keep missing things! All of you are so patient. I like your ideas on the other parts as well. I'll get right on them.
Thank you for taking time to review. I hope I got the attic space issue fixed!
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Another good chapter with Tina trying to make her way on her own to help the children and innocent adults.
-She is their only hope, and she is doing a good job.
-Fearful, but doing what is right gives her courage as she is able to see and hear the scene below:
-Those who are being held hostage by the former principal, now witch, her sisters, and the werewolves.
-As she listens, it would seem they are taking care of the group--meals, blankets and pillows, etc.
-But they want to show themselves as victims, and the DDG looking like the enemy, all of which will be on a special broadcast.
-This was the idea all along in the story, I think, bring the DDG down.
-Finally, Tina makes her way out, and is so glad to see all the police and firemen there to help, but this is short lived; after all, who is going to believe her story?
-There is only one person who can help, she knew who would, and she intended to find him.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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-Another good chapter with Tina trying to make her way on her own to help the children and innocent adults.
-She is their only hope, and she is doing a good job.
-Fearful, but doing what is right gives her courage as she is able to see and hear the scene below:
-Those who are being held hostage by the former principal, now witch, her sisters, and the werewolves.
-As she listens, it would seem they are taking care of the group--meals, blankets and pillows, etc.
-But they want to show themselves as victims, and the DDG looking like the enemy, all of which will be on a special broadcast.
-This was the idea all along in the story, I think, bring the DDG down.
-Finally, Tina makes her way out, and is so glad to see all the police and firemen there to help, but this is short lived; after all, who is going to believe her story?
-There is only one person who can help, she knew who would, and she intended to find him.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Hey, you did a great job summarizing the story. I need to use that before I post the next chapter. Wow! Thank you for the careful review. Take care, and thank you for the beautiful six stars!!!! I always appreciate the glimmer.
Have a great night,
Rhonda
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Thank you for the compliment! Somehow, it helps me put thoughts together; then, I can formulate ideas. You are very welcome for the review and stars! You have a great night, and good Labor Day weekend coming up.
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Thank you, you too!
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Thanks.
Comment from rspoet
Typical adults
what's wrong with them?
They don't believe in witches and werewolves
They probably don't believe in mummies, either!
Hopefully, Emory Settler can settle the issue
He must be descended from the early settlers
the ones in Salem who believed in witches
I'm surprised that pay phones even exist anymore
Must be the last one in Miltonville
It all depends on tiny Tina, blonde student
that all the teachers love, and daredevil girls and guy, too
Excellent chapter, reads quite smoothly
Well done
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Typical adults
what's wrong with them?
They don't believe in witches and werewolves
They probably don't believe in mummies, either!
Hopefully, Emory Settler can settle the issue
He must be descended from the early settlers
the ones in Salem who believed in witches
I'm surprised that pay phones even exist anymore
Must be the last one in Miltonville
It all depends on tiny Tina, blonde student
that all the teachers love, and daredevil girls and guy, too
Excellent chapter, reads quite smoothly
Well done
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Thank you for the wonderful six stars, and for reading my chapters when you usually write poetry. I know the stories tend to go on and on, but having poets review really helps with prose. Poets look deeper into what makes things tick. It's funny, but I based Tina on a student I once had named the same, and who was a spit fire.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Heidi M
I could see Tina crawling along, looking down to see and eavesdrop on the enemies. How disappointing when the police officer would not take her at her word! Youth can relate to that frustration. Tina has enough sense to realize if anything gets done, it's because she does it. You have done well with point of view.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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I could see Tina crawling along, looking down to see and eavesdrop on the enemies. How disappointing when the police officer would not take her at her word! Youth can relate to that frustration. Tina has enough sense to realize if anything gets done, it's because she does it. You have done well with point of view.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Thank you so much for your comments, and I'm glad I pulled off the point of view. I did try and bring up the point of people not taking children seriously. Many times they are made of stronger stuff than we think.
Again, my thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from F. Wehr3
Good continuation of the story. I enjoyed the humor when one of the sister asked don't martyrs die. Nice!
and then the voice of Mrs. Pierson, now Gelada, came wafting up. --I paused on this sentence. Is their another word you could have used instead of wafting? I was thinking reverberated or something like that.
"What about people needing to go to the bathroom?" One of the witch sisters asked.-- Lower case one. You also have another one two paragraphs down.
"We're the martyrs, and the meddling Daredevil Girls the enemy." -- no comma here as your sentence part lacks a verb.
Overall, well done!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Good continuation of the story. I enjoyed the humor when one of the sister asked don't martyrs die. Nice!
and then the voice of Mrs. Pierson, now Gelada, came wafting up. --I paused on this sentence. Is their another word you could have used instead of wafting? I was thinking reverberated or something like that.
"What about people needing to go to the bathroom?" One of the witch sisters asked.-- Lower case one. You also have another one two paragraphs down.
"We're the martyrs, and the meddling Daredevil Girls the enemy." -- no comma here as your sentence part lacks a verb.
Overall, well done!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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That makes sense on all accounts. Thank you so much. I didn't know about the lowercase (obviously) on "one", so thanks for the "heads up".
On the wafting, I didn't like the word, either, but couldn't think of a replacement as I wanted to point out that she had to hear it through the tile, maybe "filtered?" Not sure, but I'll think about it more.
Thanks so much!!
Rhonda
