The Thrift Shop
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.50 total reviews
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Andre, you have terrific stage presence. Read the story and then watched the video. I can't imagine--I really can't--still it made me nauseous to think of how YOU and all those other young men looking at the possibility of death. Does it make it easier to process to think about the shopkeeper as an ignorant piece of shit. No. He has a finger, and it doesn't matter if he's white, black, smart or stupid. Young men die because guns are easy to get, and so many gun owners want to use them.
As this is going into the memoir contest, I'd suggest you take out the sentences about the signs on the thrift store. In oral recitation it works on a pause and dram moment, on paper it looks redundant and serves no purpose. Hey, it wouldn't have been a story of the store was closed--right?
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Andre, you have terrific stage presence. Read the story and then watched the video. I can't imagine--I really can't--still it made me nauseous to think of how YOU and all those other young men looking at the possibility of death. Does it make it easier to process to think about the shopkeeper as an ignorant piece of shit. No. He has a finger, and it doesn't matter if he's white, black, smart or stupid. Young men die because guns are easy to get, and so many gun owners want to use them.
As this is going into the memoir contest, I'd suggest you take out the sentences about the signs on the thrift store. In oral recitation it works on a pause and dram moment, on paper it looks redundant and serves no purpose. Hey, it wouldn't have been a story of the store was closed--right?
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Ingrid, deleting that redundant line about the signs improved the story and also shaved a few seconds off of my performance.
I try to avoid thinking about the incident, but it is always just below the surface. My fear and degradation gush out when I force myself to relive them on stage. I hope my story helps people to understand what it was and is like to be in my shoes.
Thank you for your review and edits.
Comment from Heather Knight
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. I was shocked when the shopkeeper took out the gun. Even though you had hinted at the fact that he wasn't very tolerant, I didn't expect it.
The suspense made me keep on reading.
I'm happy nothing happened to you, but as you say, not everybody was so lucky.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. I was shocked when the shopkeeper took out the gun. Even though you had hinted at the fact that he wasn't very tolerant, I didn't expect it.
The suspense made me keep on reading.
I'm happy nothing happened to you, but as you say, not everybody was so lucky.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Yes, MJ, nothing happened to me, "not everybody was so lucky." I feel humble because I survived. But for the grace of God, I could have been killed. I also feel emboldened to share my story and not remain silent about it. Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from jpduck
This is so, so powerful Andre; it blew me away. To do this, despite the fact that I am from a very different culture, and am much older than you, speaks volumes for your artistry. Thank you for including the video clip.
I especially loved the way you counterpointed the terrifying experience with the beautiful quality of the light outside. For me, that carried a message of loving foregiveness -- whether conscious or unconscious.
Congratulations on a brilliant piece of work.
Adrian
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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This is so, so powerful Andre; it blew me away. To do this, despite the fact that I am from a very different culture, and am much older than you, speaks volumes for your artistry. Thank you for including the video clip.
I especially loved the way you counterpointed the terrifying experience with the beautiful quality of the light outside. For me, that carried a message of loving foregiveness -- whether conscious or unconscious.
Congratulations on a brilliant piece of work.
Adrian
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Yes, Adrian, I am impressed that my that my story reaches across to people from different cultures, ages, and races. I am humbled. Many people were drawn to the sunlight scene. I honestly did not think I would see the sun again. I had no idea that when I entered that thrift shop, I was entering a lion's den, a dragon's lair. I am grateful for every day I live.
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from nomi338
This interesting story reminds me of the one incident in my life that I was not wise enough to recognize the importance of. I believe that someone in the US Air Force tried to put me into a situation where I might be hurt, maybe even lynched. In 1961 I was the only African American on a train full of white people. I even ate a restaurant that did not serve blacks in Oklahoma City, OK. I believe that this was in retaliation for my getting a white sergeant court martialed for abuse, he had been charged 66 times and never gone to trial, I took him to trial and my testimony was enough to get him convicted. In San Antonio Texas 1961 this was not done. I grew up in integrated neighborhoods and went to integrated schools in Detroit, MI so I did not understand.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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This interesting story reminds me of the one incident in my life that I was not wise enough to recognize the importance of. I believe that someone in the US Air Force tried to put me into a situation where I might be hurt, maybe even lynched. In 1961 I was the only African American on a train full of white people. I even ate a restaurant that did not serve blacks in Oklahoma City, OK. I believe that this was in retaliation for my getting a white sergeant court martialed for abuse, he had been charged 66 times and never gone to trial, I took him to trial and my testimony was enough to get him convicted. In San Antonio Texas 1961 this was not done. I grew up in integrated neighborhoods and went to integrated schools in Detroit, MI so I did not understand.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Yes, nomi338, it amazes me that one "interesting story reminds" people of their own stories. Trayvon Martin reminded me of my own incident. In retrospect, it was not wise for me, a black boy, to shop in an area where whites were terrified of me. I wanted to be treated like any other customer, but I found that it did not matter how much money I had in my pocket and how law-abiding I was. I can still be shot by a person who misjudged me, who shoots first and asks questions later. I am grateful for every day I can tell stories. You should write your story up and share it, too. Thank you for your review.
Comment from wheels3657
SisCat, Thank You for sharing a slice your "life pie with us. 6 Star Rating.
I like the way you came into your story from the photo, and into your experiences.
Being very familiar with the oldies but goodies, I understand the very feeling of possessing that good old vinyl.
The way you stepped those wonderful memories down into a frightening, questionable, and confusing experience was emotionally great.
I am also glad nothing tragically happened that OMG day. Otherwise, I may have never had the chance to meet you. You are indeed a great story teller and writer.
Have a fascinating day! wheels3657
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reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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SisCat, Thank You for sharing a slice your "life pie with us. 6 Star Rating.
I like the way you came into your story from the photo, and into your experiences.
Being very familiar with the oldies but goodies, I understand the very feeling of possessing that good old vinyl.
The way you stepped those wonderful memories down into a frightening, questionable, and confusing experience was emotionally great.
I am also glad nothing tragically happened that OMG day. Otherwise, I may have never had the chance to meet you. You are indeed a great story teller and writer.
Have a fascinating day! wheels3657
.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you, wheels3657, for your generous, six star review. I would like to say that I walked out of that thrift shop with my life, two records, and a story to tell. I am very mindful of the fact that many people did not survive such encounters to tell their stories. Thank you again for your review.
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You are very welcome.
Comment from joann r romei
This was just wonderful, I suggest for fan story , unless there is a word count to make, trim it for a sharper intense read, xoxo, luv, it and would like to hear more stories,
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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This was just wonderful, I suggest for fan story , unless there is a word count to make, trim it for a sharper intense read, xoxo, luv, it and would like to hear more stories,
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you, joann r romei, for your generous, six star review. I am already contemplating trimming this story, not "for a sharper intense read," but to get it under six minutes when I perform it live before audiences at storytelling contests. Based upon my performance last Thursday, I still need to trim a minute and sixteen seconds from my story. Edits may help the written version.
Thank you again for your review.
Comment from Bollie
You are so right; so many, like Trayyvon Martin, have not survived and it is an incredible blessing to survive an encounter like this, live to tell the story and have gratitude every single day for life. You certainly are taking your stories from the stage to the page. FanStory is fortunate to be a forum in which you can share your gifts. Thank you.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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You are so right; so many, like Trayyvon Martin, have not survived and it is an incredible blessing to survive an encounter like this, live to tell the story and have gratitude every single day for life. You certainly are taking your stories from the stage to the page. FanStory is fortunate to be a forum in which you can share your gifts. Thank you.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Yes, Bollie, I am grateful for every single day I can tell stories because I am mindful of the fact that many did not survive such encounters to tell theirs. I am glad I can take my stories from the stage to the page on FanStory. Thank you for your review.
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You're very welcome. Have a wonderful day.
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You're very welcome. Have a wonderful day.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Some individual points:
I was sixteen in 1980, Los Angeles, when I decided to visit the last thrift shop along my record scavenging route between school and the bus stop. - This sets the date and the place for the article. Nice opening sentence.
...exited the light, and entered the den. - A powerful image.
I like the diversion of the second paragraph (from you to the shop and its owner) and this shift actually says a lot about you, the main character of the piece, but I do think it rambles a bit.
I asked, "Do you have any records?" - This pulls the reader back to the main thread. A good, easy transition :-)
The paragraph starting I knelt at my first box. has 7 sentences. 5 begin with I. I think you need to add variety here.
I like the use of internal dialogue/thoughts. It helps to maintain the pace and keep reader interest. :-)
Is he holding me up at gunpoint to buy records? - You're in serious trouble, but this brought a smile to my face. It demonstrates the stupidity of the situation. A thumbs up from me.
...you can fill the universe with black holes that would blot out the stars. - Very evocative!
You conclude with a sad, thought provoking sentiment.
Overall:
A nice read that flows well. The dialogue is handled well, as is the balance between dialogue and narration. This is so obviously based on an actual event, and that realisation brings home to the reader the profound consequences of society as it exists today. I enjoyed this piece. Thank you for posting it up.
Keep writing :-)
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Some individual points:
I was sixteen in 1980, Los Angeles, when I decided to visit the last thrift shop along my record scavenging route between school and the bus stop. - This sets the date and the place for the article. Nice opening sentence.
...exited the light, and entered the den. - A powerful image.
I like the diversion of the second paragraph (from you to the shop and its owner) and this shift actually says a lot about you, the main character of the piece, but I do think it rambles a bit.
I asked, "Do you have any records?" - This pulls the reader back to the main thread. A good, easy transition :-)
The paragraph starting I knelt at my first box. has 7 sentences. 5 begin with I. I think you need to add variety here.
I like the use of internal dialogue/thoughts. It helps to maintain the pace and keep reader interest. :-)
Is he holding me up at gunpoint to buy records? - You're in serious trouble, but this brought a smile to my face. It demonstrates the stupidity of the situation. A thumbs up from me.
...you can fill the universe with black holes that would blot out the stars. - Very evocative!
You conclude with a sad, thought provoking sentiment.
Overall:
A nice read that flows well. The dialogue is handled well, as is the balance between dialogue and narration. This is so obviously based on an actual event, and that realisation brings home to the reader the profound consequences of society as it exists today. I enjoyed this piece. Thank you for posting it up.
Keep writing :-)
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Alex Rosel, for your generous, thorough review and suggestions for tightening up my writing and adding variety. Based upon my 1980 journal entry on the incident, the written story is my three-year-old script for live storytelling performances I gave in San Francisco and Vegas. I revived the story last week for a performance, adding the lines "Is he holding me up at gunpoint to buy records?" and "you can fill the universe with black holes that would blot out the stars."
I am moved that you found this to be "a sad, thought provoking" piece. I am grateful for every day I can share my stories, but I am mindful of the fact that many people did not survive such encounters to tell their stories.
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Very interesting exercise, Alex. I took a look at that rambling paragraph and deleted four adverbs and adjectives. It now reads tighter. Thanks for the suggestion.
Comment from liz burgoyne
Your writing has left me speechless. I, sheltered in the arms of a small Canadian town, have never directly encountered such disgusting violence. I have however read many of your stories which are stretching my world and hopefully making me more aware of the realities experienced by others.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
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Your writing has left me speechless. I, sheltered in the arms of a small Canadian town, have never directly encountered such disgusting violence. I have however read many of your stories which are stretching my world and hopefully making me more aware of the realities experienced by others.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Liz, for your generous, thoughtful review. Many have remarked that my stories stretch people's world and make them "more aware of the realities experienced by others." Thanks again.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
I can't pretend to understand what racism feels like as a white woman, but in reading your experience, I can feel the rage and injustice I would have felt had I been your mother. You write with a kind and respectful "hand", even though your experiences in being the victim of racism and ignorance would for many bring out a much angrier voice.
Your reference to the sunlight, in my interpretation, meant by grace you were spared to share your stories and those who could not. The "was I being held at gunpoint to buy records" double meaning is a stroke of genius.
Well deserving of my last six.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
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I can't pretend to understand what racism feels like as a white woman, but in reading your experience, I can feel the rage and injustice I would have felt had I been your mother. You write with a kind and respectful "hand", even though your experiences in being the victim of racism and ignorance would for many bring out a much angrier voice.
Your reference to the sunlight, in my interpretation, meant by grace you were spared to share your stories and those who could not. The "was I being held at gunpoint to buy records" double meaning is a stroke of genius.
Well deserving of my last six.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
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Yes, Mary, many reviewers have remarked about my stroke of genius with my line "was I being held at gunpoint to buy records?" He accused me of being a thief, but he was the one exhibiting thuggish behavior to get more money out of me.
Yes, I believe I was spared to share my story and those who could not.
Thank you for your generous review and your last six!
