Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Help for Helga"An American Civil War vet heads west.
12 total reviews
Comment from LaRosa
Still enjoying writer's understanding and ability to describe the mountain/desert landscape.
Just sad that Charley caught up to Jess so soon in the story.
Ending isn't ending, I hope!
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
  |
Still enjoying writer's understanding and ability to describe the mountain/desert landscape.
Just sad that Charley caught up to Jess so soon in the story.
Ending isn't ending, I hope!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
-
I originally meant for this to be the ending with Jess's fate left hanging. People kept asking what happened next though so I had to keep going.Thank you for your kind comments.
-
YaYYY
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Delahay
= This read like it was a good story, and you tell it great.
= Below, I did some technical/SPAG suggests, which are made with respect, so use or lose as you see fit.
ADD ( ) DELETE [ ]
<> Uppercase: synopsis / Synopsis
<> Need commas
While traveling(,) he met three men and joined them under the idea of safety in numbers. One night(,) they stole his supplies and left him behind.
<> Not cohesive. Restructure for smoother read.
=YOURS=
He catches up with them and kills two of them but lets one, named Charlie, live and gets his property back. He then heads to Denver where he hopes a girl is waiting for him.
=SUGGEST=
He catches up with them, kills two, but lets the man named Charlie, live. After reclaiming his property, he heads to Denver, where he hopes a girl is waiting for him.
<> Uppercase: injuns / Injuns
<> Try not to use the same words so close together. [those]
<> Slight tweak of your verbiage for smoother read.
=YOURS=
Those injuns sure hate those talking wires and keep cutting down the poles.
=SUGGEST=
The injuns sure hate those talking wires, so they keep cutting down the poles.
<> Since he gives the quoted amount of reward from looking at the Wanted Posters, there is NO [seems] about it. (*>*)
<> Be careful of starting back to back sentences with the same PRONOUN. [They]
<> Added commas where needed.
=YOURS=
On my way out of the office, I glanced at the wall and saw a picture of my old friend Cherokee Bill, and right next to him was his good buddy Banks. It seems they both had dead or alive rewards on them. They both had been making a living as road agents, robbing settlers and killing the ones who tried to stand up to them. They were suspected of killing at least fifty. I felt like Cherokee had reached out of the grave and robbed me again. Cherokee would have been worth $500. They must have thought Banks wasn't quite as bad since he was only worth $250.
=SUGGEST=
On my way out of the office, I glanced at the wall and saw a picture of my old friend, Cherokee Bill(,) and right next to him was his good buddy(,) Banks. Not only were they both making a living as road agents, robbing settlers and killing the ones who tried to stand up to them, but were also suspected of killing at least fifty people. I felt like Cherokee had reached out of the grave and robbed me again, since his worth was set at $500. It would appear as if Banks was thought the lessor of two evils, since he was only worth $250.
<> Cut down on your usage of =AND=
<> Another word to watch using too much =THAT=
<> Use COMMAS instead.
--- WHY? Using too many bogs down the read.
--- Also makes not as smooth of a read.
=YOURS=
I talked to the Sergeant Major at the fort and told him about my run-in with Cherokee and Banks and about how their health had taken a bad turn for the worse. I told him I would have brought them in if I'd known they were worth something. He took down all the information I gave him about where and how they'd met their end and told me he'd send a couple of soldiers out to look for them. He said if Cherokee had a hole between his eyes like I'd said the Army would send me two hundred dollars for him and a hundred and twenty-five for Banks. I thanked him and walked out thinking "when buffaloes have wings."
=SUGGEST=
I talked to the Sergeant Major at the fort, told him about my run-in with Cherokee and Banks. I Relayed how their health had taken a bad turn for the worse. Had I known they had a bounty on their heads, I would have brought them in, I further stated.
--- FYI --- This paragraph needs separation.
--- Separate TWO peoples' actions.
--- Above, you stated the reward for them, BUT, here you list differing amounts. You need to explain why that is.
He took down all the information I gave him about where, how they'd met their end, and said he'd send a couple of soldiers out to look for them. He said if they could verify Cherokee had a hole between his eyes like I'd told him, the Army would send me two hundred dollars for him, and a hundred and twenty-five dollars for Banks.
--- Comma after =thinking=
--- After a tag, UPPERCASE: when /When
I thanked him and walked out thinking, "When buffaloes have wings."
<> RUDUNDANCY: Don't use =ABOUT= right after each other.
=YOURS=
As I headed out of Laramie I started thinking about Dallas. About how much I missed her and how I should never have left Denver.
=SUGGEST=
As I headed out of Laramie I started thinking about Dallas--how much I missed her, and maybe I should never have left Denver.
<> Do NOT need =THAT= here.
--- Remember --- If the sentence will stand alone, without using =that= DO NOT use it. (*<*)
--- When you catch yourself using it---stop, and try restructuring. They add up faster than you think.
--- Edit to delete END of SENTENCE =preposition=
Since then, though, I'd started thinking [that] money wasn't everything. She'd told me [that](as much) before I left. I hope she meant it. I also hope she hadn't found anyone else while I was gone. Someone with sense enough to know when he's found something worth more than anything else in the world.
=YOURS=
I guessed it'd take time(,) and a couple of weeks of hard riding to find out.
=SUGGEST= (Edit out one =OF=)
I figure if I wanted to find out for sure, it'd take time(,) and a couple weeks of hard riding.
<> Edit out too many =AND=
--- Use comma or em dash ( -- )
--- To show hesitation and/or break in words, use ellipses (...)
--- Tweaked verbiage a bit.
=YOURS=
See, one of them travelers me and Cherokee killed, well, I kept his paperwork and things and decided I'd be him. He had a letter of credit for a bank in Denver and all these papers and things to let the people there know who he was. He also had a letter about his account at a big bank back east. My name's John Wilcox now. Seems I'm an important man and this letter to the bank says I'm rich. Bad side to all this, that's why I gotta take ya out. You're the only one that knows who I really am. They got Wanted posters up for Cherokee and Banks, it wouldn't be long before I'd be up on the wall too. So I can't be me no more. I feel real bad about this. You been real good to me. It wouldn't be right leavin' ya here like this."
=SUGGEST=
See, one of them travelers me and Cherokee killed, well, I kept his paperwork and things ... even decided I'd be him. He had a letter of credit for a bank in Denver, with all these papers and things, so people would know who he was. He also had a letter about his account at a big bank back east. My name's John Wilcox now. Seems I'm an important man--this letter to the bank says I'm rich. Bad side to all this is, I gotta take ya out of the picture. You're the only one that knows who I really am. Since they got Wanted Posters up for Cherokee and Banks, it wouldn't be long before I'd be up on the wall too. So, I can't be me no more. I feel real bad about this. You been real good to me. It wouldn't be right leavin' ya here like this."
<> Your ending needs a bit of a tweak.
--- Consider this ...
=YOURS=
I shut my eyes again, trying to make sense of what was going on. I heard the ratchet of a lever action. Then I didn't hear or feel anything.
=SUGGEST=
I shut my eyes again, trying to make sense of what was going on, but heard the ratchet of a lever action, and then ... "Dallas ... Dal--"
<> EDIT MINION <>
There is an online program that is fantastic and FREE---editminion.com
--- Copy/paste chapter into software.
--- Click edit
--- Below you'll get a readout like this, but a lot more.
--- This is YOUR readout.
Adverbs: 1
Weak Words: 8
Homonym: 34
Preposition End: 6 ( I did NOT edit for all of these)
Passive: 8
Clichés: 0
--- At the bottom, you'll get a copy of your chapter, with all the troubled areas--color-coded.
--- Copy/paste in your word doc, and then make the changes, and then repeat process. (*<*)
<> Ellipses <>
= Ellipses are wonderful to show a pause in dialogue
= By using them, you can eliminate 'excess verbiage'
Formula: word,space,control,alt,period,space, word
ALSO word,space,3-periods,space,word
Examples of use:
1_ "need ... water ... thirsty."
(Show the reader distress in character without the writer having to say it)
2_ "so you can ... you know ... go the extra mile."
(Gives you the freedom to pause dialogue as you would pause in speaking)
=FYI=
1_ Some use 4 periods (. ... OR ....) at end of sentence.
2_ I've seen it all =3= ways. Depends whose style you want to use. (*<*)
<> Em--dash <>
= Em--dash is good to use in place of a comma
= You can use in place of semicolon
Formula: word,dash,dash,word,space
(if computer settings are configured correctly).
Another Formula: Two--dashes (no spaces)
Examples of use:
1_ "I know what he meant--just listen to me, though."
2_ "Oh, fiddlesticks--it's so like you!"
3_ "always felt sad--like I didn't belong."
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings ... Jax
<> Published as ... Jacqueline M Franklin
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
Hi, Delahay
= This read like it was a good story, and you tell it great.
= Below, I did some technical/SPAG suggests, which are made with respect, so use or lose as you see fit.
ADD ( ) DELETE [ ]
<> Uppercase: synopsis / Synopsis
<> Need commas
While traveling(,) he met three men and joined them under the idea of safety in numbers. One night(,) they stole his supplies and left him behind.
<> Not cohesive. Restructure for smoother read.
=YOURS=
He catches up with them and kills two of them but lets one, named Charlie, live and gets his property back. He then heads to Denver where he hopes a girl is waiting for him.
=SUGGEST=
He catches up with them, kills two, but lets the man named Charlie, live. After reclaiming his property, he heads to Denver, where he hopes a girl is waiting for him.
<> Uppercase: injuns / Injuns
<> Try not to use the same words so close together. [those]
<> Slight tweak of your verbiage for smoother read.
=YOURS=
Those injuns sure hate those talking wires and keep cutting down the poles.
=SUGGEST=
The injuns sure hate those talking wires, so they keep cutting down the poles.
<> Since he gives the quoted amount of reward from looking at the Wanted Posters, there is NO [seems] about it. (*>*)
<> Be careful of starting back to back sentences with the same PRONOUN. [They]
<> Added commas where needed.
=YOURS=
On my way out of the office, I glanced at the wall and saw a picture of my old friend Cherokee Bill, and right next to him was his good buddy Banks. It seems they both had dead or alive rewards on them. They both had been making a living as road agents, robbing settlers and killing the ones who tried to stand up to them. They were suspected of killing at least fifty. I felt like Cherokee had reached out of the grave and robbed me again. Cherokee would have been worth $500. They must have thought Banks wasn't quite as bad since he was only worth $250.
=SUGGEST=
On my way out of the office, I glanced at the wall and saw a picture of my old friend, Cherokee Bill(,) and right next to him was his good buddy(,) Banks. Not only were they both making a living as road agents, robbing settlers and killing the ones who tried to stand up to them, but were also suspected of killing at least fifty people. I felt like Cherokee had reached out of the grave and robbed me again, since his worth was set at $500. It would appear as if Banks was thought the lessor of two evils, since he was only worth $250.
<> Cut down on your usage of =AND=
<> Another word to watch using too much =THAT=
<> Use COMMAS instead.
--- WHY? Using too many bogs down the read.
--- Also makes not as smooth of a read.
=YOURS=
I talked to the Sergeant Major at the fort and told him about my run-in with Cherokee and Banks and about how their health had taken a bad turn for the worse. I told him I would have brought them in if I'd known they were worth something. He took down all the information I gave him about where and how they'd met their end and told me he'd send a couple of soldiers out to look for them. He said if Cherokee had a hole between his eyes like I'd said the Army would send me two hundred dollars for him and a hundred and twenty-five for Banks. I thanked him and walked out thinking "when buffaloes have wings."
=SUGGEST=
I talked to the Sergeant Major at the fort, told him about my run-in with Cherokee and Banks. I Relayed how their health had taken a bad turn for the worse. Had I known they had a bounty on their heads, I would have brought them in, I further stated.
--- FYI --- This paragraph needs separation.
--- Separate TWO peoples' actions.
--- Above, you stated the reward for them, BUT, here you list differing amounts. You need to explain why that is.
He took down all the information I gave him about where, how they'd met their end, and said he'd send a couple of soldiers out to look for them. He said if they could verify Cherokee had a hole between his eyes like I'd told him, the Army would send me two hundred dollars for him, and a hundred and twenty-five dollars for Banks.
--- Comma after =thinking=
--- After a tag, UPPERCASE: when /When
I thanked him and walked out thinking, "When buffaloes have wings."
<> RUDUNDANCY: Don't use =ABOUT= right after each other.
=YOURS=
As I headed out of Laramie I started thinking about Dallas. About how much I missed her and how I should never have left Denver.
=SUGGEST=
As I headed out of Laramie I started thinking about Dallas--how much I missed her, and maybe I should never have left Denver.
<> Do NOT need =THAT= here.
--- Remember --- If the sentence will stand alone, without using =that= DO NOT use it. (*<*)
--- When you catch yourself using it---stop, and try restructuring. They add up faster than you think.
--- Edit to delete END of SENTENCE =preposition=
Since then, though, I'd started thinking [that] money wasn't everything. She'd told me [that](as much) before I left. I hope she meant it. I also hope she hadn't found anyone else while I was gone. Someone with sense enough to know when he's found something worth more than anything else in the world.
=YOURS=
I guessed it'd take time(,) and a couple of weeks of hard riding to find out.
=SUGGEST= (Edit out one =OF=)
I figure if I wanted to find out for sure, it'd take time(,) and a couple weeks of hard riding.
<> Edit out too many =AND=
--- Use comma or em dash ( -- )
--- To show hesitation and/or break in words, use ellipses (...)
--- Tweaked verbiage a bit.
=YOURS=
See, one of them travelers me and Cherokee killed, well, I kept his paperwork and things and decided I'd be him. He had a letter of credit for a bank in Denver and all these papers and things to let the people there know who he was. He also had a letter about his account at a big bank back east. My name's John Wilcox now. Seems I'm an important man and this letter to the bank says I'm rich. Bad side to all this, that's why I gotta take ya out. You're the only one that knows who I really am. They got Wanted posters up for Cherokee and Banks, it wouldn't be long before I'd be up on the wall too. So I can't be me no more. I feel real bad about this. You been real good to me. It wouldn't be right leavin' ya here like this."
=SUGGEST=
See, one of them travelers me and Cherokee killed, well, I kept his paperwork and things ... even decided I'd be him. He had a letter of credit for a bank in Denver, with all these papers and things, so people would know who he was. He also had a letter about his account at a big bank back east. My name's John Wilcox now. Seems I'm an important man--this letter to the bank says I'm rich. Bad side to all this is, I gotta take ya out of the picture. You're the only one that knows who I really am. Since they got Wanted Posters up for Cherokee and Banks, it wouldn't be long before I'd be up on the wall too. So, I can't be me no more. I feel real bad about this. You been real good to me. It wouldn't be right leavin' ya here like this."
<> Your ending needs a bit of a tweak.
--- Consider this ...
=YOURS=
I shut my eyes again, trying to make sense of what was going on. I heard the ratchet of a lever action. Then I didn't hear or feel anything.
=SUGGEST=
I shut my eyes again, trying to make sense of what was going on, but heard the ratchet of a lever action, and then ... "Dallas ... Dal--"
<> EDIT MINION <>
There is an online program that is fantastic and FREE---editminion.com
--- Copy/paste chapter into software.
--- Click edit
--- Below you'll get a readout like this, but a lot more.
--- This is YOUR readout.
Adverbs: 1
Weak Words: 8
Homonym: 34
Preposition End: 6 ( I did NOT edit for all of these)
Passive: 8
Clichés: 0
--- At the bottom, you'll get a copy of your chapter, with all the troubled areas--color-coded.
--- Copy/paste in your word doc, and then make the changes, and then repeat process. (*<*)
<> Ellipses <>
= Ellipses are wonderful to show a pause in dialogue
= By using them, you can eliminate 'excess verbiage'
Formula: word,space,control,alt,period,space, word
ALSO word,space,3-periods,space,word
Examples of use:
1_ "need ... water ... thirsty."
(Show the reader distress in character without the writer having to say it)
2_ "so you can ... you know ... go the extra mile."
(Gives you the freedom to pause dialogue as you would pause in speaking)
=FYI=
1_ Some use 4 periods (. ... OR ....) at end of sentence.
2_ I've seen it all =3= ways. Depends whose style you want to use. (*<*)
<> Em--dash <>
= Em--dash is good to use in place of a comma
= You can use in place of semicolon
Formula: word,dash,dash,word,space
(if computer settings are configured correctly).
Another Formula: Two--dashes (no spaces)
Examples of use:
1_ "I know what he meant--just listen to me, though."
2_ "Oh, fiddlesticks--it's so like you!"
3_ "always felt sad--like I didn't belong."
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings ... Jax
<> Published as ... Jacqueline M Franklin
Comment Written 20-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
Thank you for taking so much time and effort to help me with this chapter. I used some of your suggestions and see how they clean up the story. I did not use this one, ". I Relayed how their health had taken a bad turn for the worse. Had I known they had a bounty on their heads, I would have brought them in, I further stated." because I didn't think this character would use phrases like "Relayed how", or "further stated" and he's the one narrating. I did make changes though. If you have the time, and if it's not too much trouble, could you re-read this and see if you agree with those changes?
Thanks again for your feedback and all your help.
-
= I noticed you didn't run your chapter through the FREE software: Edit Minion.
= It really would help you to clean us some basic errors.
= I noticed you did not apply some of the comma corrections I made.
= OR use the em dash and ellipses I suggested.
= It really does need some work on the SPAG yet.
= But, of course, as I said, these are all suggestions, and by all means, use or lose as you see fit. (*<*)
-
So no improvement.
-
I did use the dash and ellipses you suggested. I just didn't use the words after the ellipses you suggested.
Comment from liz burgoyne
Again you have left me sitting on pins and needles, and again I will be waiting to hear more about Jess who has "real person" status in my mind :)
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2016
|
Again you have left me sitting on pins and needles, and again I will be waiting to hear more about Jess who has "real person" status in my mind :)
Comment Written 19-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2016
-
Thank you for your encouraging review. I really appreciate your feedback.
Comment from light
I admire anyone who can write in the first person. This is an intriguing story and is holding my interest. I guess we will find out in the next chapter if he is dead.
Elaine
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
|
I admire anyone who can write in the first person. This is an intriguing story and is holding my interest. I guess we will find out in the next chapter if he is dead.
Elaine
Comment Written 18-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
-
Thank you for reading my story. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I guess it had been nine or ten days since I said goodbye to Cherokee and his sidekick Banks. - This is a beautiful first sentence. It serves well in setting a forward movement of the plot.
I felt like Cherokee had reached out of the grave and robbed me again. - Nicely constructed, with economy of words. This has impact :-)
When buffaloes have wings. - A neat take, giving a cliche new life. That gets a thumbs up from me.
But I always felt like I wasn't really good enough for her and, maybe, she'd be better off with someone with a little more to his name. - If this is foreshadowing, I like it. I'm a big advocate of foreshadowing.
...then turn a corner and the sun is shining and everything seems to be going right. - Uplifting interlude before the violent hit. This is good structuring.
An very effective last paragraph. Leaving a hanging story-line, with dangling questions, is an excellent ploy to entice the reader to continue reading.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. I think you could make your prose more powerful by increasing the showing rather than relying on telling. All in all though, the piece has nice structure and cadence. I hope I have the opportunity to read more of your work. Well done.
It's a good idea, with continuation postings, to include a synopsis; I wish other authors who omit to do so would follow your example.
Keep writing :-)
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
|
I guess it had been nine or ten days since I said goodbye to Cherokee and his sidekick Banks. - This is a beautiful first sentence. It serves well in setting a forward movement of the plot.
I felt like Cherokee had reached out of the grave and robbed me again. - Nicely constructed, with economy of words. This has impact :-)
When buffaloes have wings. - A neat take, giving a cliche new life. That gets a thumbs up from me.
But I always felt like I wasn't really good enough for her and, maybe, she'd be better off with someone with a little more to his name. - If this is foreshadowing, I like it. I'm a big advocate of foreshadowing.
...then turn a corner and the sun is shining and everything seems to be going right. - Uplifting interlude before the violent hit. This is good structuring.
An very effective last paragraph. Leaving a hanging story-line, with dangling questions, is an excellent ploy to entice the reader to continue reading.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. I think you could make your prose more powerful by increasing the showing rather than relying on telling. All in all though, the piece has nice structure and cadence. I hope I have the opportunity to read more of your work. Well done.
It's a good idea, with continuation postings, to include a synopsis; I wish other authors who omit to do so would follow your example.
Keep writing :-)
Comment Written 18-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging review. It is always good to know what people like about a story and why they enjoy it, as well as what they don't like and why. Such feedback is always helpful.
-
Thank you for your kind comments :-)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I good strong continuation here. It is hard to introduce real jeopardy into a first person narrative piece but you did a good job. Nice ending.
about how their health and taken - had taken.
everything was going right in my the peace was broken by a shot ringing out in the clear mountain air. - feels like something is missing from this sentence.
With the echo, it made - the comma should be after made here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
|
Hi there,
I good strong continuation here. It is hard to introduce real jeopardy into a first person narrative piece but you did a good job. Nice ending.
about how their health and taken - had taken.
everything was going right in my the peace was broken by a shot ringing out in the clear mountain air. - feels like something is missing from this sentence.
With the echo, it made - the comma should be after made here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 18-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
-
There were some words missing. My computer hates me and erases word when I am trying to type. Something about the touchpad also makes me suddenly start typing in the middle of a sentence. I think it is trying to drive me crazy. Thank you for pointing out my typos. I appreciate the help.
Comment from Jay Squires
You have a real knack for conversational writing as opposed to literary writing. The reader feels comfortable reading your stories. There's a warmth to them. That said, I don't much go for "over-colloquializing" It doesn't make much sense to write "ta" for "to"; also, "fo" instead of "for".
. I wanted to send a telegraph to Dallas [Isn't a "telegraph" something you use to send a "telegram"?]
. It was easy to feel like everything was going right in my the peace was [You evidently left out a word or two.]
It wouldn't be right leavin' ya here like this" [No closing punctuation.]
Talk about a cliffhanger! If he's dead, the story ends, and it sure seems like that's the case.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
|
You have a real knack for conversational writing as opposed to literary writing. The reader feels comfortable reading your stories. There's a warmth to them. That said, I don't much go for "over-colloquializing" It doesn't make much sense to write "ta" for "to"; also, "fo" instead of "for".
. I wanted to send a telegraph to Dallas [Isn't a "telegraph" something you use to send a "telegram"?]
. It was easy to feel like everything was going right in my the peace was [You evidently left out a word or two.]
It wouldn't be right leavin' ya here like this" [No closing punctuation.]
Talk about a cliffhanger! If he's dead, the story ends, and it sure seems like that's the case.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
-
I did kind of wonder if I was over doing it with this. I guess since there was so little dialogue in it I wanted to make it count. I am missing a couple of words. Sometimes when I am typing with this computer it will highlight parts and make them disappear on me. It will also jump around in the text and I will suddenly be typing in the middle of a sentence. I'll see if I can do better with the dialogue and fix the telegram. Thanks for your feedback.
-
What do I do now? I did leave the end of this chapter ambiguous on purpose but I also meant it to be the last one. Now people are saying they are waiting to see what happens next.
-
I never dreamed there would come a time when people actually wanted me to write something. Should I wait until they start offering money? LOL.
Comment from robyn corum
D,
Seems like I've come into the middle of a story in progress! I hate that! But it seems to be progressing well and I enjoyed the portion I read. Seems your building the character well and the adventure is rather exciting to say the least! *smile*
I did see a couple of things you might want to take another look at:
1.) It was easy to feel like everything was going right in my (life just when) the peace was broken by a shot
2.) With the echo, it made it sounded like it could have (suggest:)
--> The (resounding) echo sounded like it could have
3.) He stood looking down at me as I fought not to slide into the dark and listen to what he was saying. (suggest:)
--> He stood looking down at me while I tried to listen to what he was saying and not slide into darkness.
4.) Bad side ta all this is that's why I gotta (take?) ya out.
Good chapter! Thanks!
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
|
D,
Seems like I've come into the middle of a story in progress! I hate that! But it seems to be progressing well and I enjoyed the portion I read. Seems your building the character well and the adventure is rather exciting to say the least! *smile*
I did see a couple of things you might want to take another look at:
1.) It was easy to feel like everything was going right in my (life just when) the peace was broken by a shot
2.) With the echo, it made it sounded like it could have (suggest:)
--> The (resounding) echo sounded like it could have
3.) He stood looking down at me as I fought not to slide into the dark and listen to what he was saying. (suggest:)
--> He stood looking down at me while I tried to listen to what he was saying and not slide into darkness.
4.) Bad side ta all this is that's why I gotta (take?) ya out.
Good chapter! Thanks!
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
-
The problem with posting chapters like this it that it is too easy for a reader to come in somewhere in the middle. Thank you for reading though. I appreciate the feedback. I will take a look at your suggestions. I did already take care of the missing "take". It was suppose to be there and I don't know where it went.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is very well written with no SPAG to be had. I am not one for westerns, but this was engaging and moved along at a nice pace. I thought your ending excellent as it motivates the reader to continue on with the next post. Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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This is very well written with no SPAG to be had. I am not one for westerns, but this was engaging and moved along at a nice pace. I thought your ending excellent as it motivates the reader to continue on with the next post. Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Thank you for your kind and encouraging review. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was an interesting chapter. You do a good job of showing us the wild west. If I were to make a suggestion it would be to slow this down a little. He's nervous, for example, in the hills but no reason is shown as to why. The shot comes out of nowhere - there is no buildup really to that. Great job overall - I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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I thought this was an interesting chapter. You do a good job of showing us the wild west. If I were to make a suggestion it would be to slow this down a little. He's nervous, for example, in the hills but no reason is shown as to why. The shot comes out of nowhere - there is no buildup really to that. Great job overall - I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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I thought I mentioned he was nervous about being high on the mountain with the river below. Perhaps I did not make that clear. He also had been robbed before, in a previous chapter. Thank you for reading and for your feedback.
