Buttons
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "chap 11 William's Home"Revenge for molestation
7 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Judy, I have kind of missed out on this story and will have to go back to catch up so sorry I can't really comment on what is going on. But what I can say is, it appears to have potential. I would love to see more showing than telling. It would also be beneficial if you wrote a 'previous' for being able to remember and recap the story. I'll go back and read now. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
  |
Hi Judy, I have kind of missed out on this story and will have to go back to catch up so sorry I can't really comment on what is going on. But what I can say is, it appears to have potential. I would love to see more showing than telling. It would also be beneficial if you wrote a 'previous' for being able to remember and recap the story. I'll go back and read now. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 18-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
-
thank you so much. I forgot to put the previous in this time. Thanks so much for the reminder. I am learning every day to do more showing , but I still have a lot to do , especially in the earlier chapters I have written. Keep on me. I will get it.
-
Judy, you are doing great and you'll get there. I've learned so much here on FS and with great support. I'm still learning so hang in there. Ulla:)))
Comment from Alex Rosel
The text was written in all caps. "MARY, WHERE ARE YOU? OUR PLANE WAS ON TIME. YOU SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW." - This is a great first paragraph, well constructed and designed to have the reader asking a number of subconscious questions.
"Lovey, I can only find three of my four suitcases. Come over here and help me, William." - An effective use of the name-calling speech tag. That gets a thumbs up from me.
'This is not the time to be a diva.' William thought. "I dealt with her incessent chatter for fourteen hours on a plane. Surely she can shut up now.' - Typo? Inconsistent quotation marks. Typo? Incessant.
Off stage she's like a milk maid trying to imitate a princess. - Good simile. :-)
Most importantly, she is fine with being a Mistress for now. - Typo? Mistress? Lowercase?
It was signed your ROOMATE - Typo and inconsistent. Either, YOUR ROOMMATE or just ROOMMATE.
I like your shift of scene to Mary in the apartment. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue and maintain reader interest and the pace of the prose.
"His name is Ralph Peterson." Delaney interrupted her thoughts. - Again, a shift in the narration. That gets a thumbs up from me.
Delaney knew better. Mary didn't want to go home. - That demonstrates good plot planning. Leaving a hanging story-line is an excellent ploy to entice the reader to continue reading.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. It demonstrates a well-planned, thoughtful, unfolding of a plot. That's a good craft to possess. One small point, traditional editors will nix the two spaces between sentences that you use.
I hope I have the opportunity to read more of your work. Well done, and keep writing :-)
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
|
The text was written in all caps. "MARY, WHERE ARE YOU? OUR PLANE WAS ON TIME. YOU SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW." - This is a great first paragraph, well constructed and designed to have the reader asking a number of subconscious questions.
"Lovey, I can only find three of my four suitcases. Come over here and help me, William." - An effective use of the name-calling speech tag. That gets a thumbs up from me.
'This is not the time to be a diva.' William thought. "I dealt with her incessent chatter for fourteen hours on a plane. Surely she can shut up now.' - Typo? Inconsistent quotation marks. Typo? Incessant.
Off stage she's like a milk maid trying to imitate a princess. - Good simile. :-)
Most importantly, she is fine with being a Mistress for now. - Typo? Mistress? Lowercase?
It was signed your ROOMATE - Typo and inconsistent. Either, YOUR ROOMMATE or just ROOMMATE.
I like your shift of scene to Mary in the apartment. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue and maintain reader interest and the pace of the prose.
"His name is Ralph Peterson." Delaney interrupted her thoughts. - Again, a shift in the narration. That gets a thumbs up from me.
Delaney knew better. Mary didn't want to go home. - That demonstrates good plot planning. Leaving a hanging story-line is an excellent ploy to entice the reader to continue reading.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. It demonstrates a well-planned, thoughtful, unfolding of a plot. That's a good craft to possess. One small point, traditional editors will nix the two spaces between sentences that you use.
I hope I have the opportunity to read more of your work. Well done, and keep writing :-)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so much. You helped in so many ways. Everything you said is so valuable to me. The two spaces, wow, I learned about the new one space way about a month ago. It is so hard to change that training my typing (yes, typing not keyboard) taught me years ago. 60 years of double spacing is quite a habit. But I will have to learn. I am going to nominate you for great reviewer. You helped me so much. Oops , still double spacing.
-
Thank you for your kind comments. I'm glad my feedback was helpful.
I was brought up to double space as well - it's a hard habit to unlearn :-(
Comment from Aussie
Spag: white-trash with an opera voice." And Virgin Mary (capital) unless you are referring to a Mary you know. refridgerator (refrigerator) no d. Interesting story, a few hiccups, little bland. Needing more action, maybe?
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
 |
Spag: white-trash with an opera voice." And Virgin Mary (capital) unless you are referring to a Mary you know. refridgerator (refrigerator) no d. Interesting story, a few hiccups, little bland. Needing more action, maybe?
Comment Written 15-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
-
Thank you Aussie. I appreciate all your words and love your corrections.
-
If you fix it, let me know and I will up your rating? Love, Kay XX
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Fine story. I had to ding it for errors, i found four,
"home"[,] signed"
"he h put"
Two more someplace.
You might want to add a cliff hanger ending. That's what keeps readers coming back.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
|
Fine story. I had to ding it for errors, i found four,
"home"[,] signed"
"he h put"
Two more someplace.
You might want to add a cliff hanger ending. That's what keeps readers coming back.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
-
Thank you I will go back and find the other two. I so appreciate your honesty.
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
More good development in this chapter. good characterisation. I think you need to get a bit more balance over the showing and telling. Try eliminating the instances of 'was' a bit more.
Cherry Churchill was trying to find all of her baggage. - I would perhaps change this to 'Cherry Churchill struggled (or attempted) to find all her luggage.' I think luggage is preferable to baggage and you can eliminate a dreaded 'was'.
William's annoyance was beginning to show - you can avoid was again here by having William snapping at her instead.
William was talking outloud - spoke out loud.
"Porter, Please help us get our luggage - please.
Cherry described evertything she saw - everything.
"So you think you have found our suspect? - need closing speech marks here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
|
hi there,
More good development in this chapter. good characterisation. I think you need to get a bit more balance over the showing and telling. Try eliminating the instances of 'was' a bit more.
Cherry Churchill was trying to find all of her baggage. - I would perhaps change this to 'Cherry Churchill struggled (or attempted) to find all her luggage.' I think luggage is preferable to baggage and you can eliminate a dreaded 'was'.
William's annoyance was beginning to show - you can avoid was again here by having William snapping at her instead.
William was talking outloud - spoke out loud.
"Porter, Please help us get our luggage - please.
Cherry described evertything she saw - everything.
"So you think you have found our suspect? - need closing speech marks here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
-
Wonderful suggestions. I just went back to my first few chapters and they almost only tell the story. Major revisions will have to happen but I am up for it. I have learned so much from you. I am printing this right now then going to edit then go to work. School is back in session here in San Antonio.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good chapter, but brings up questions.
They see the buttons on the victims mouths, and they know Joe is a button designer. Why get info on the other five until you have a lonnnnnnggggg talk with Joe???
What's with Mary being so nasty to William?
I've forgotten so much... reading too many stories at once, I think.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
|
Good chapter, but brings up questions.
They see the buttons on the victims mouths, and they know Joe is a button designer. Why get info on the other five until you have a lonnnnnnggggg talk with Joe???
What's with Mary being so nasty to William?
I've forgotten so much... reading too many stories at once, I think.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
-
William never loved Mary. He used her for his career. Way back at the beginning you learn that he marries her to further his own career. While he has been gone she has finally started to think for her self.
I too think the detectives needed to get out to the button factory much faster than they did. I plan on revising the first chapters quite a bunch. Especially because in the first chapters I tell the story instead of show the story. I have learned so much since last February when I first came to Fan Story. People like you are the reason. Plus I am now taking a novel middles course. I want to continue to build the characters but I need to go back and fix things too.
Comment from winnona
Another good chapter. The characters are very realistic I find myself applauding Mary! I hope William finds a big mud puddle and trips into it! Very well written and I am enjoying your book. This is not the type of book I would normally read so that should tell you something.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
|
Another good chapter. The characters are very realistic I find myself applauding Mary! I hope William finds a big mud puddle and trips into it! Very well written and I am enjoying your book. This is not the type of book I would normally read so that should tell you something.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so much. He is going to regret having that sweet little chatty diva in his life too. I am enjoying writing this so much. Mary is growing up. I've never really had a comic character in a story. Chatty Cherry doesn't even know she is not the brightest tool in the shed. lol.
-
I really enjoy them too. I think it was a great idea and wish they did more challenges like this. It keeps our minds working.
-
scary thin is there are real people like her! I have met a few!
