The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Two On the Outside"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
23 total reviews
Comment from cterp
Good chapter. Lots of interesting action and dialog. I have one suggestion. Tina has one block of dialog that is pretty wordy that could be improved:
"The room we're in has a door leading into a sort of hidden hallway. There are several science rooms that open into it from their back doors. It ends in the library, which is close to the front door. Miss Jordan calls the hall the caverns, and her room is one of the ones backed up to it."
I think this could be reduced to
"The room we're in has a door leading into a sort of hidden hallway. Miss Jordan calls it the caverns, and her room is one of the ones backed up to it."
In any event, I think that bit of dialog is a bit too long for a whispered one, with too much information being passed. But you, my dear daredevil, are the master.
chris
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Good chapter. Lots of interesting action and dialog. I have one suggestion. Tina has one block of dialog that is pretty wordy that could be improved:
"The room we're in has a door leading into a sort of hidden hallway. There are several science rooms that open into it from their back doors. It ends in the library, which is close to the front door. Miss Jordan calls the hall the caverns, and her room is one of the ones backed up to it."
I think this could be reduced to
"The room we're in has a door leading into a sort of hidden hallway. Miss Jordan calls it the caverns, and her room is one of the ones backed up to it."
In any event, I think that bit of dialog is a bit too long for a whispered one, with too much information being passed. But you, my dear daredevil, are the master.
chris
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Wow, thank you, Chris. To be honest, I changed to passage several times, and I don't think I improved it. haha. Your's is much better. Thanks, and I'm afraid I'm going to steal it, my friend!
Again,
Thanks!
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda, I love this chapter a lot that I read it twice! Bruce and Tina are coupled up to get help against these four witches and the werewolves invading this school! I cannot wait to see how there are going to pull this off, but they the Daredevil Girls and one guy.
Very well written my friend and very entertaining as always!
I hope you have truly great day my friend.
Always your friend,
Jim
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Rhonda, I love this chapter a lot that I read it twice! Bruce and Tina are coupled up to get help against these four witches and the werewolves invading this school! I cannot wait to see how there are going to pull this off, but they the Daredevil Girls and one guy.
Very well written my friend and very entertaining as always!
I hope you have truly great day my friend.
Always your friend,
Jim
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Jim. I am so glad you enjoyed the chapter. To read it twice is quite a compliment!! You're a sweetheart!
I'm always glad to read your reviews as you never fail to make me feel good.
Have a great evening, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Alex Rosel
I like how you open with dialogue, it immediately throws the reader into the dynamics of the story.
Tina said as a greenish glow began to ooze from the walls - You could make this stronger. In general, don't use a multifunctional, single sentence dialogue tag. It detracts from the pace. Here, you have said and an observation/action. Reword it something like: The greenish glow that began to ooze from the walls worried Tina. (In itself, not the best, but I hope you get the point.)
Werewolves are known for their exceptional senses of smell and hearing - I know this is contained in dialogue, but it still comes across as telling rather than showing. I'd look to rework this.
Tina asked, lowering her voice - Again, multifunctional dialogue tag. It would be better as: Tina lowering her voice.
Bruce cracked the door open - This is good imagery. That gets a thumbs up from me.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. You handle the dialogue well; you don't include unnecessary tags, and yet the dynamics of the conversation is clear. The pace is maintained throughout. However, I think your dialogue dominates a little. During real life conversations, there are all kinds of dynamics occurring other than the spoken word. To allow your reader more scope for seeing this scene in their mind's eye, I think you need to break up the speech in places. This will give your scene more substance. Action, inner thoughts, character reaction and/or interaction, narration, external events, reminiscence, flashbacks, diversionary paragraphs et cetera, can all serve the purpose. I'm not suggesting that you use all of these, nor that every snippet of speech needs to be accompanied by non-speech passages. Just use your judgement. Have a look at a few best selling authors and look for how they do it.
You have clearly developed a distinct writer's voice. I look forward to reading the continuing story if I get the opportunity. Well done.
BTW, It's a good idea, with continuation postings, to include a synopsis and/or recap of the previous section; I wish other authors who omit to do so would follow your example.
Keep writing :-)
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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I like how you open with dialogue, it immediately throws the reader into the dynamics of the story.
Tina said as a greenish glow began to ooze from the walls - You could make this stronger. In general, don't use a multifunctional, single sentence dialogue tag. It detracts from the pace. Here, you have said and an observation/action. Reword it something like: The greenish glow that began to ooze from the walls worried Tina. (In itself, not the best, but I hope you get the point.)
Werewolves are known for their exceptional senses of smell and hearing - I know this is contained in dialogue, but it still comes across as telling rather than showing. I'd look to rework this.
Tina asked, lowering her voice - Again, multifunctional dialogue tag. It would be better as: Tina lowering her voice.
Bruce cracked the door open - This is good imagery. That gets a thumbs up from me.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. You handle the dialogue well; you don't include unnecessary tags, and yet the dynamics of the conversation is clear. The pace is maintained throughout. However, I think your dialogue dominates a little. During real life conversations, there are all kinds of dynamics occurring other than the spoken word. To allow your reader more scope for seeing this scene in their mind's eye, I think you need to break up the speech in places. This will give your scene more substance. Action, inner thoughts, character reaction and/or interaction, narration, external events, reminiscence, flashbacks, diversionary paragraphs et cetera, can all serve the purpose. I'm not suggesting that you use all of these, nor that every snippet of speech needs to be accompanied by non-speech passages. Just use your judgement. Have a look at a few best selling authors and look for how they do it.
You have clearly developed a distinct writer's voice. I look forward to reading the continuing story if I get the opportunity. Well done.
BTW, It's a good idea, with continuation postings, to include a synopsis and/or recap of the previous section; I wish other authors who omit to do so would follow your example.
Keep writing :-)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Wow, thanks for the detail, and helpful, review.
You are completely right on the dialogue, and I had been thinking about that. I usually have a lot of dialogue, and that's not how I used to do it. On this site, people tend to like dialogue more, and description less. I need to find a happy medium. I'll copy your review and reflect on it later for consideration. I'm glad you took the time to review, because this truly addresses what I had been thinking about.
I don't remember you having reviewed before, and I am exceedingly glad to have you do so now. Thank you.
Rhonda
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Thank you for your kind comments. I'm glad you found my feedback helpful; sometimes it just needs a little external nudge to confirm your own judgement ;-)
Comment from mfowler
This is a very good chapter. It gives some hope amid the chaotic presence of the witches and werewolves.
The assemblage is left with Bruce and Tina who've escaped and are looking for a way to seek help. They travel through various rooms trying to ring for help but soon realise the people are being herded into classrooms by werewolves sin human mode. (Love that.)
In the end, they realise getting a call out or even getting to their car will be very difficult, but THEY are the DareDevils who need to save the day.
Two things stand out of for me in this chapter. One, the humorous interplay in the face of great danger made me laugh and it carried the story along so naturally. No mobile, no plan, a series of low key conversations classified as 'whistling out loud' not only keeps one entertained, but also makes the characters feel very authentic in a not so authentic world.
Secondly, I love the mix of dialogue and action in this. The dialogue was very cool. Funny, apt, and perfectly placed.
This was a great follow up to the disaster that fell upon the school the chapter earlier on.
We must have hope.
Suggestion:
dally around ... Since dally essentially means to waste time, 'around' is a redundant word.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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This is a very good chapter. It gives some hope amid the chaotic presence of the witches and werewolves.
The assemblage is left with Bruce and Tina who've escaped and are looking for a way to seek help. They travel through various rooms trying to ring for help but soon realise the people are being herded into classrooms by werewolves sin human mode. (Love that.)
In the end, they realise getting a call out or even getting to their car will be very difficult, but THEY are the DareDevils who need to save the day.
Two things stand out of for me in this chapter. One, the humorous interplay in the face of great danger made me laugh and it carried the story along so naturally. No mobile, no plan, a series of low key conversations classified as 'whistling out loud' not only keeps one entertained, but also makes the characters feel very authentic in a not so authentic world.
Secondly, I love the mix of dialogue and action in this. The dialogue was very cool. Funny, apt, and perfectly placed.
This was a great follow up to the disaster that fell upon the school the chapter earlier on.
We must have hope.
Suggestion:
dally around ... Since dally essentially means to waste time, 'around' is a redundant word.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review. It is so helpful to point out the parts that work. I'll do that with yours next time as well, rather than focusing just on the overall picture!
I'm glad you liked the dialogue. I had a reviewer who said it was too much, and I needed more descriptive passages. I'll have to think on that.
I'm glad you liked the humor. I hate keeping things all serious, and a grown man would try and joke with a child to ease her worry.
Another point you brought up, only another author would notice. You talked about how I made the characters seem real in the face of an unreal world. I read on this once, and why Harry Potter is more successful than, say, Never Ending Story. You have to bring the characters and situations to the people's level or they won't connect. That's why my characters have "normal" names. Sometimes, and you'll find this character appear soon, I may give them a more unique name like Kurt, or the former Kith. Still, they are relatable, and people aren't trying to remember a name. You do the same, on both counts.
And, finally, thanks so much for the six stars!!!
Rhonda
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The crit about the dialog from the other reviewer is based on personal taste in my book. It worked in this chapter. You don't do that all the time so it's a non issue as far as I can see.
Great point about the fantasy elements in a believable world. I get bored with most of them in artificial worlds. Great work.
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And that's one of the drawbacks of short chapters, and not reading from the beginning to the end on this site. You just get a snippet, and not the overall effect.
Thanks for the comments back!
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I guess we're lucky to get any sort of feedback without having to hire an editor. The chapter by chapter thing is awkward but at least we know if it's travelling well. I'm not too worried as I have no plans beyond posting here. My novella is purely a writing exercise but if the view is to publish, it's really the first point of call.
Have a lovely day.
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I think you should publish. It's a great story, really!
Comment from MelB
Nancy's has them, too, but she's too close to the action right now to act on them." - Nancy
The beasts were tall with furry. exaggerated features. furry(,)
Very brilliant, actually - (Drop very)
Another fantastic chapter, Rhonda. I like the humorous moments about the key and the lifetime warranty on the Otter box. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Nancy's has them, too, but she's too close to the action right now to act on them." - Nancy
The beasts were tall with furry. exaggerated features. furry(,)
Very brilliant, actually - (Drop very)
Another fantastic chapter, Rhonda. I like the humorous moments about the key and the lifetime warranty on the Otter box. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review. I found and fixed the mistakes, thanks ever so much for noticing. It takes time to pick through a chapter, but it is so helpful.
Thank you, also, for the kind review!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from DonandVicki
I have been away from the site for a while and when I just got back, I am delighted to see your are still working on the book series.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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I have been away from the site for a while and when I just got back, I am delighted to see your are still working on the book series.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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The book has been chugging along, thank you. I'm so glad to have you back on the site, and definitely back reading my book. I have always looked forward to you reading and leaving sweet remarks!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Rhonda
= Very good conversation between the two.
= Excellent plan to find a phone--if they can just find an empty room.
= Great writing, my friend.
<> FYI <> Some food for thought.
<> Delete commas.
<> Typo: disgarded / discarded
<> It's best NOT to us too many =AND=TO=A=THAT= especially too close together.
--- Reason being, the sentence gets bogged down with WORDINESS.
--- In turn, the read is less smooth.
--- It also tends to be all the reader hears =AND=TO=A=THAT=
--- AND should be saved to use in the END clause--usually.
--- Use a COMMA when you want to use AND in a series of clauses.
--- Remember, when you catch yourself using them often, STOP, restructure your sentence. MANY times the sentence reads just as well without them.
--- Suggest a tweak.
=YOURS=
It was mostly lined with science equipment and supplies, and seemed[,] to Bruce[,] to be more a shared stockroom than a hallway. It smelled of old chemicals and disgarded/DISCARDED projects.
=SUGGEST=
It was mostly lined with science equipment and supplies. It seemed to Bruce it was more a shared stockroom than hallway. It also smelled of old chemicals and discarded projects.
<> Always use comma with direct address.
"But it won't stop us, will it(,) Mr. Bruce?"
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Hi, Rhonda
= Very good conversation between the two.
= Excellent plan to find a phone--if they can just find an empty room.
= Great writing, my friend.
<> FYI <> Some food for thought.
<> Delete commas.
<> Typo: disgarded / discarded
<> It's best NOT to us too many =AND=TO=A=THAT= especially too close together.
--- Reason being, the sentence gets bogged down with WORDINESS.
--- In turn, the read is less smooth.
--- It also tends to be all the reader hears =AND=TO=A=THAT=
--- AND should be saved to use in the END clause--usually.
--- Use a COMMA when you want to use AND in a series of clauses.
--- Remember, when you catch yourself using them often, STOP, restructure your sentence. MANY times the sentence reads just as well without them.
--- Suggest a tweak.
=YOURS=
It was mostly lined with science equipment and supplies, and seemed[,] to Bruce[,] to be more a shared stockroom than a hallway. It smelled of old chemicals and disgarded/DISCARDED projects.
=SUGGEST=
It was mostly lined with science equipment and supplies. It seemed to Bruce it was more a shared stockroom than hallway. It also smelled of old chemicals and discarded projects.
<> Always use comma with direct address.
"But it won't stop us, will it(,) Mr. Bruce?"
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Jax. I'm sorry I always make you work so hard! I knew that one line sounded off, but couldn't figure out what made it sound bad. Now I know. I changed a few more lines as well. I'll go back and deal with the "a"s. I do appreciate all your time and effort. You're a dear!
Rhonda
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You're very welcome. (*<*)
Comment from giraffmang
Nice chapter here Rhonda. Good to see Bruce with Tina, blooding the new recruit so to speak...
Tina Alice's, arm - I don't think you need the comma here.
Nancy's has them, too - Nancy. or Nancy's had.
the tratorous unveiling - traitorous.
with a land line - landline.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Nice chapter here Rhonda. Good to see Bruce with Tina, blooding the new recruit so to speak...
Tina Alice's, arm - I don't think you need the comma here.
Nancy's has them, too - Nancy. or Nancy's had.
the tratorous unveiling - traitorous.
with a land line - landline.
All the best
G
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Thanks so much for finding the Spag. I thought tratorous looked strange. Thanks!!
Same on landline.
I'll fix those and the others you found.
Still, I wait for you to declare it perfect!!! Haha,
I so appreciate you.
Rhonda
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda--and have they thought of throwing a tennis ball to get them to chase it, and then save everyone while the werewolves are chasing it, you know, because dogs can't resist a bouncing ball? Sorry, that is a lame joke comes to you courtesy of no coffee yet!
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda--and have they thought of throwing a tennis ball to get them to chase it, and then save everyone while the werewolves are chasing it, you know, because dogs can't resist a bouncing ball? Sorry, that is a lame joke comes to you courtesy of no coffee yet!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Oh wow, I think I can work that into the story! And then, maybe a squirrel! We've got this!
Comment from royowen
It looks like the witch Gelada, sister of Mildred, the witch in gaol for purveyors of supernatural nastiness. Who has captured Nancy and the other daredevil girls, with an army of werewolves, excepting for Bruce and supporter Tina. The students, teachers, and daredevil girls, are in the classrooms, which will stop the SWAT crews from rescuing them. What now? Well done Rhonda, great scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo : and the (traitorous unveiling. Traitorous?
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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It looks like the witch Gelada, sister of Mildred, the witch in gaol for purveyors of supernatural nastiness. Who has captured Nancy and the other daredevil girls, with an army of werewolves, excepting for Bruce and supporter Tina. The students, teachers, and daredevil girls, are in the classrooms, which will stop the SWAT crews from rescuing them. What now? Well done Rhonda, great scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo : and the (traitorous unveiling. Traitorous?
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Roy!! I already fixed the traitorous, thanks for finding it. I knew it didn't look right!
As always, I appreciate you!
Rhonda
