Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "One More Chance"An American Civil War vet heads west.
7 total reviews
Comment from LaRosa
Your opening synopsis gets better with each chapter!
"I watched him coming with my shotgun across a saddle" made me stop reading to say "huh?" Was he hiding, walking behind/beside a horse that was saddled? Was he on the ground and somehow crawled up to a saddle where he rested the gun?
Also, since Banks was shot about 20 yds away how did Jess manage to just pick up his rifle and not get shot at himself?
Need a little follow thru on these ideas for the reader's sake. If add a bit of info it would only cause picture of what's happening to be more visual. It wouldn't slow down the action, I THINK...
Certain descriptions were so original! ex) "..his nose kept his eyes from bumping into each other". Love it!
The eternal hope for the good guy over the bad guy lives as Jess shows more compassion for one of his enemies than had been shown to him.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Your opening synopsis gets better with each chapter!
"I watched him coming with my shotgun across a saddle" made me stop reading to say "huh?" Was he hiding, walking behind/beside a horse that was saddled? Was he on the ground and somehow crawled up to a saddle where he rested the gun?
Also, since Banks was shot about 20 yds away how did Jess manage to just pick up his rifle and not get shot at himself?
Need a little follow thru on these ideas for the reader's sake. If add a bit of info it would only cause picture of what's happening to be more visual. It wouldn't slow down the action, I THINK...
Certain descriptions were so original! ex) "..his nose kept his eyes from bumping into each other". Love it!
The eternal hope for the good guy over the bad guy lives as Jess shows more compassion for one of his enemies than had been shown to him.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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The guys he was after had the saddled horses tied up. Jess lay the shotgun across one of the saddles so that he was hidden by the horse. When someone takes a shot at him they hit the horse he was standing next to. The rifle was in a holster on the saddle. Thank you for continuing to read and for your feedback.
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gotcha, thanks
Comment from Jay Squires
Ward, you've found a niche that seems to suit you--and your appreciative readers. This is a heckova good chapter.
. At the same time I was working my way [comma needed after "time" to save confusion.]
I managed to sink a .44 into Cherokee where his nose kept his eyes from bumping into each other. [Ha! I loved the image!]
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2016
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Ward, you've found a niche that seems to suit you--and your appreciative readers. This is a heckova good chapter.
. At the same time I was working my way [comma needed after "time" to save confusion.]
I managed to sink a .44 into Cherokee where his nose kept his eyes from bumping into each other. [Ha! I loved the image!]
Comment Written 11-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2016
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O.k, I added the comma. Thank you for catching that for me. I appreciate the complimentary review. I respect your opinion and appreciate your feedback. Now I need to get Jess to let me know where he's going to end up.
Comment from royowen
An excellent looking through the eyes of a world weary civil war vet, Jess Harper, who's been robbed of his possession, he tracks them down, killing two, capturing another, who's not a bad egg, lets him go, and discovers wolves attacked and ate his horse. Decides to go back to civilisation. Excellent story, I loved it. Good action, good, simple plot, good characters, good structure, enjoyable. Well done, blessings Roy,
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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An excellent looking through the eyes of a world weary civil war vet, Jess Harper, who's been robbed of his possession, he tracks them down, killing two, capturing another, who's not a bad egg, lets him go, and discovers wolves attacked and ate his horse. Decides to go back to civilisation. Excellent story, I loved it. Good action, good, simple plot, good characters, good structure, enjoyable. Well done, blessings Roy,
Comment Written 10-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Thank you very much Roy.
Have a great day!
I still think I have some more Jess Harper in me Does it feel done to you?
DeLaHay
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I think you have a lot of Jess Harper, great character, good anti hero
Comment from Thomas Bowling
You write a really great story. Your characters come alive. Liked your description of the Winchester and the Henry. A lot of people know what a winchester is but I don't think many know the Henry. I like westerns there aren't enough of them on this site.
I too have written a western "The Gunslinger". You might enjoy it.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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You write a really great story. Your characters come alive. Liked your description of the Winchester and the Henry. A lot of people know what a winchester is but I don't think many know the Henry. I like westerns there aren't enough of them on this site.
I too have written a western "The Gunslinger". You might enjoy it.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Thomas Bowling,
Thank you for your review and comments. I think I've still got some Jess Harper in me. I am going to look up "The Gunslinger>
DeLaHay
Comment from Rasmine
I think this is really good writing. I did spot one error:
As I talked to Cherokee I kept moving so he couldn't home in on the sound of my voice. You forgot the comma after the sentence started with a conjunction. I'm not perfect with grammar but I think it would be: As I talked to Cherokee and then a comma.
Okay, I wish you luck in the contest! :)
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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I think this is really good writing. I did spot one error:
As I talked to Cherokee I kept moving so he couldn't home in on the sound of my voice. You forgot the comma after the sentence started with a conjunction. I'm not perfect with grammar but I think it would be: As I talked to Cherokee and then a comma.
Okay, I wish you luck in the contest! :)
Comment Written 10-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Rasmine,
Thank you for the exelent review and your comment. I'm not in
any contest, that I know of. You type a nice 6.
DeLaHay
Comment from barkingdog
All in all a good result in his efforts to recover his stolen gear, gold, etc.
He was kind in letting Jess go. He'd have no problem from the others. They were dead.
Too bad about Bones.
"You ain't looking for a sidekick (are ya?") he asked me.
I
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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All in all a good result in his efforts to recover his stolen gear, gold, etc.
He was kind in letting Jess go. He'd have no problem from the others. They were dead.
Too bad about Bones.
"You ain't looking for a sidekick (are ya?") he asked me.
I
Comment Written 10-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Thank you for finding my mistake. I think I lost the "ya" and the question mark when I was making some changes. It really needed it. Things like that seem to happen often when I am trying to type on this computer. Things disappear or I'll be typing in one place then suddenly I'll be somewhere farther back in the middle of a word. It makes me crazy(er). I appreciate the help and the feedback.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You did a great job with this instalment. The tone is spot on and the turn of phrase used feels authentic and is fun. Good descriptions of the firefight as well. I like the character of Jess and one can feel his reluctance in carrying out what he needs to do.
Good stuff
GMG
pockets while your are at it - you are at it or you're.
Cherokee Bill?You ain't - you need a space after the ?
You ain't looking for a sidekick are you?", he - the comma here is unnecessary.
You also misspelt Navy Colt in the author's notes.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Hi there,
You did a great job with this instalment. The tone is spot on and the turn of phrase used feels authentic and is fun. Good descriptions of the firefight as well. I like the character of Jess and one can feel his reluctance in carrying out what he needs to do.
Good stuff
GMG
pockets while your are at it - you are at it or you're.
Cherokee Bill?You ain't - you need a space after the ?
You ain't looking for a sidekick are you?", he - the comma here is unnecessary.
You also misspelt Navy Colt in the author's notes.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Thank you for reading my chapter and for pointing out my typos. No matter how many times I proofread something I always miss things it seems. I appreciate the help and feedback.
