The True Test
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Return to the auditorium "Teachers are left to survive
15 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Judy,
Sounds like you've set a devastating scene. The story seems to be progressing nicely - though in a nicely yucky way. *smile*
Here are some notes for you:
1.) The (auditorium) becomes a death trap.
2.) To Doug, it (felt) like a castle.
3.) Today, Thursday(no space), he was up early.
4.) She was (completely) (convinced) she could get the funding
5.) I got really confused when we had been reading along with Doug as the protagonist, and then it switched all of a sudden to someone saying, "I" did this and that. That makes me think your construction is off. Need to work on that.
Everything needs to be seen from the viewpoint of the protagonist. If you switch characters you need to switch settings, too. Change paragraphs and skip a few lines to let people know something's different. Change chaps, etc.
6.) During the middle of the hot action is not the time for backstory. The info on Doug's past life should be brought in during a calm moment long before now.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Judy,
Sounds like you've set a devastating scene. The story seems to be progressing nicely - though in a nicely yucky way. *smile*
Here are some notes for you:
1.) The (auditorium) becomes a death trap.
2.) To Doug, it (felt) like a castle.
3.) Today, Thursday(no space), he was up early.
4.) She was (completely) (convinced) she could get the funding
5.) I got really confused when we had been reading along with Doug as the protagonist, and then it switched all of a sudden to someone saying, "I" did this and that. That makes me think your construction is off. Need to work on that.
Everything needs to be seen from the viewpoint of the protagonist. If you switch characters you need to switch settings, too. Change paragraphs and skip a few lines to let people know something's different. Change chaps, etc.
6.) During the middle of the hot action is not the time for backstory. The info on Doug's past life should be brought in during a calm moment long before now.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Great suggestions. That is what I am not sure how to do. I wanted to have it start with the disaster then maybe take all the characters back to the day before. But then I was wondering if would take too long to introduce all of them. Suggestions? Yes I also started the chapter with first person for the music teacher, Judy, then everyone else in third. Lots of work to do that s why I love your critique.
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I think you're going to have to feel your way, but I would really rethink the first person/third person idea. Personally. Good luck!
Comment from RobertaLee
Exciting story line; please don't leave the chapter with Patty not found. It is difficult to tell who the "I" is in this chapter; perhaps another teacher? There are several spelling and grammar issues, but you are doing a wonderful job of story telling. Just a couple of hard to catch things, humbly suggested:
"his new patients" - "the injured." He hasn't yet been introduced as a healer.
" Those were her last words." - the point of view reference here is that they were "his" last words.
Smiles and blessings
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Exciting story line; please don't leave the chapter with Patty not found. It is difficult to tell who the "I" is in this chapter; perhaps another teacher? There are several spelling and grammar issues, but you are doing a wonderful job of story telling. Just a couple of hard to catch things, humbly suggested:
"his new patients" - "the injured." He hasn't yet been introduced as a healer.
" Those were her last words." - the point of view reference here is that they were "his" last words.
Smiles and blessings
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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I went back and did a long spell check. I needed it so thankful that you were honest with me. I also corrected the other two. When you pointed it out to me about his and her last words it gave me an idea. After he speaks, before the aftershock , She says this. " I love you, Terry, I think it's going to be a girl." foreshadowing the birth of their grandchild. So glad you caught that. Patty will be in the next chapter.
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You are most welcome. This is a great forum to see if each chapter has a flow and identity of its own isn't it; a good way to catch those little foxes that can confuse the reader. Smiles
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I read both part one and two together. ~What an enthralling story. The pace, the detail, it is all so well written. Well done, I have to go and read the next part now! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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I read both part one and two together. ~What an enthralling story. The pace, the detail, it is all so well written. Well done, I have to go and read the next part now! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much Sandra. I think a group of teachers will make a very unique survival group
Comment from Ulla
Hi Judy, somehow I missed the first chapter, but I'm sure glad I caught up with this. It's a heartbreaking scene when Terry dies but at least she has her husband with her,. Very well written. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2016
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Hi Judy, somehow I missed the first chapter, but I'm sure glad I caught up with this. It's a heartbreaking scene when Terry dies but at least she has her husband with her,. Very well written. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 13-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2016
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I really want to explore what would happen when a group of teachers are left to survive. High school teachers are so diverse, they would have so many skills.
Comment from Judy Couch
Excellent chapter. This is definitely worth six stars but I don't have them to give. You express your ideas well. The suspense is great. I can visualize it happening.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2016
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Excellent chapter. This is definitely worth six stars but I don't have them to give. You express your ideas well. The suspense is great. I can visualize it happening.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2016
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thank you , I am so excited . I am doing research at my school next week to see how much food would be stored in the cafeteria in a real high school. Then i am going to have some of them explore that part of the school.
Comment from winnona
You did well on this chapter. Very realistic and creative. Your characters come to life as they deal with the disastrous aftermath. The sad thing is this can happen anywhere to any of us .
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2016
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You did well on this chapter. Very realistic and creative. Your characters come to life as they deal with the disastrous aftermath. The sad thing is this can happen anywhere to any of us .
Comment Written 12-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2016
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Yes, and how would we handle it. What I am fascinated about is the diversity of knowledge a group of teachers would have. They can bring so much to survival. But they will all be grieving not knowing about their families.
Comment from frogbook
Very powerful and interesting story that keeps the reader on the edge of their seat. I will have to go back to the 1st chapter but thanks for the synopsis. Very good start to the novel I say.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2016
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Very powerful and interesting story that keeps the reader on the edge of their seat. I will have to go back to the 1st chapter but thanks for the synopsis. Very good start to the novel I say.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much. I am really excited to write this one. I am a teacher and a high school has so many teachers with all different skills. They might make a good survival group,
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I see you decided to continue this one. Good for you.
Excellent atmosphere and tension produced here. good continuation and this should be rife for exploitation. The use of the strong coaches for the heavy lifting works well.
Ken aimed the flashlight at the voices. - perhaps 'at the direction of the voice' would be more apt here.
Good elements of descriptiveness here especially when they go back and find the other two.
Jack are you near - need a ? here.
"It doesn't hurt any more. Go get my husband. She began to smile."
- move the closing speech marks to after husband.
I would suggest reading back through again and trying to take out some of the usages of 'was' and 'were'. When you don't use them it will be more immersive and immediate.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2016
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Hi there,
I see you decided to continue this one. Good for you.
Excellent atmosphere and tension produced here. good continuation and this should be rife for exploitation. The use of the strong coaches for the heavy lifting works well.
Ken aimed the flashlight at the voices. - perhaps 'at the direction of the voice' would be more apt here.
Good elements of descriptiveness here especially when they go back and find the other two.
Jack are you near - need a ? here.
"It doesn't hurt any more. Go get my husband. She began to smile."
- move the closing speech marks to after husband.
I would suggest reading back through again and trying to take out some of the usages of 'was' and 'were'. When you don't use them it will be more immersive and immediate.
All the best
G
Comment Written 11-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much. I went back and made changes. Do you realize how much you have taught me? I am growing every day.
Comment from Douglas Paul
I did not read the previous chapter, but this one still made sense to me. Your writing is clear and fluid and flows well. I saw no errors. The story concept is really powerful and interesting. I will look forward to reading more of this one. Good job, Judy
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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I did not read the previous chapter, but this one still made sense to me. Your writing is clear and fluid and flows well. I saw no errors. The story concept is really powerful and interesting. I will look forward to reading more of this one. Good job, Judy
Comment Written 10-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Thank you Doug, I teach high school. Our faculty is so diverse. Math, Science Chemistry home ec, wood working, electronics. Music Historians - Each would have something different to add to survival. I am really interested in exploring this idea.
Comment from Heather Knight
Thanks for letting me know you had written the second chapter. I have enjoyed it very much.
It is full of suspense, with great attention to detail and very well written.
I saw a little mistake: somewhere you wrote confidant, where it should say confident.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Thanks for letting me know you had written the second chapter. I have enjoyed it very much.
It is full of suspense, with great attention to detail and very well written.
I saw a little mistake: somewhere you wrote confidant, where it should say confident.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much. I so like to correct mistakes. This has a long ways to go. I will look up your works too. Thank you .
