Assassination (500 words)
Who is the target?12 total reviews
Comment from Mabaker
OH,heck! What a fine piece of writing that is. Poor old Jackson was gonna cop it bigtime. Someone had it in for him and this lady ductapped to the chair was all the help they needed to do it. You fit the whole story in the required five hundred words. Regards Ma Baker
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2016
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OH,heck! What a fine piece of writing that is. Poor old Jackson was gonna cop it bigtime. Someone had it in for him and this lady ductapped to the chair was all the help they needed to do it. You fit the whole story in the required five hundred words. Regards Ma Baker
Comment Written 31-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2016
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Thank you , I enjoyed writing it but it got disqualified from the contest because nobody got killed. I guess we have to follow the rules. Anyway it was a fun write and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Kooky Clown
Am interesting and novel read which I did enjoy I was not sure who the man was who was putting on the video etc. I was not sure if it was her husband or another but regardless of that fact I enjoyed it and a good and clever ending.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2016
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Am interesting and novel read which I did enjoy I was not sure who the man was who was putting on the video etc. I was not sure if it was her husband or another but regardless of that fact I enjoyed it and a good and clever ending.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2016
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thank you so much, It got disqualified from the contest because non one died, but I still enjoyed writing it.
Comment from Nika2016
Luckily no one was assassinated...in this short story. However, I have a man with out of state plates parking at the top of my hill daily seemingly watching my house. I sent the cops to get his plate number today...just in case he has nefarious intent.
Great story of betrayal...
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Luckily no one was assassinated...in this short story. However, I have a man with out of state plates parking at the top of my hill daily seemingly watching my house. I sent the cops to get his plate number today...just in case he has nefarious intent.
Great story of betrayal...
Comment Written 30-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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thank you . I hope you are safe. That happened to me once. It was the FBI. They were watching the apartment building across the street. I came out of my house so often and stared at them that they finally came to my house and showed me they credentials. lOl. Funny.
Comment from country ranch writer
oh this is a good one a real shocker for some they got what they deserved it was sad the kids had to be involved in there sherade.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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oh this is a good one a real shocker for some they got what they deserved it was sad the kids had to be involved in there sherade.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you , yes this turned into a strange story.. Judy
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S M I L E S
Comment from LIJ Red
Where's the body? Marriages die natural deaths all day, over half of them
in the end. Just kidding, if the judges like it, it sure looks fine to me...
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Where's the body? Marriages die natural deaths all day, over half of them
in the end. Just kidding, if the judges like it, it sure looks fine to me...
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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thank you, I went a different way on this way and it was fun. Always like your sense of humor Red
Comment from giraffmang
My husband, Ted barbecuing - should be a comma after Ted otherwise it reads as is his name is Ted Barbecuing!
I like the turnaround in the end of the piece although it is a bit confusing with the separate bits of dialogue when the same person is speaking. It would be better to keep these inside one set of speech marks to avoid confusion.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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My husband, Ted barbecuing - should be a comma after Ted otherwise it reads as is his name is Ted Barbecuing!
I like the turnaround in the end of the piece although it is a bit confusing with the separate bits of dialogue when the same person is speaking. It would be better to keep these inside one set of speech marks to avoid confusion.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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thank you so much , I will go back and work on that . and I sure don't want his name to be Ted Barbecuing. Lol
Comment from Kate Tompkins
I took on this contest entry too so I was curious to see how someone else had handled it. You got off to a great start. I found myself getting tense as I read the discussion between the assassin and the protagonist, wondering who had hired him and if they were after the wrong man.
Then I reached the paragraph discussing the protagonist's affair with her boss, and after that I found things confused. It was as if I was reading the outline for a story rather than the actual story and I wondered if an unfinished version had been posted. Where there had been detailed description and insight into what the protagonist was thinking before, the last few lines were just dialogue, with no speech tags to indicate who was talking. The protagonist telling Jackson to come, they had to talk didn't seem to me to be proof of an affair, just a desperate woman doing what she was told to protect her kids.
Put as much detail into the last eight lines as the rest of the story, and it could be terrific.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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I took on this contest entry too so I was curious to see how someone else had handled it. You got off to a great start. I found myself getting tense as I read the discussion between the assassin and the protagonist, wondering who had hired him and if they were after the wrong man.
Then I reached the paragraph discussing the protagonist's affair with her boss, and after that I found things confused. It was as if I was reading the outline for a story rather than the actual story and I wondered if an unfinished version had been posted. Where there had been detailed description and insight into what the protagonist was thinking before, the last few lines were just dialogue, with no speech tags to indicate who was talking. The protagonist telling Jackson to come, they had to talk didn't seem to me to be proof of an affair, just a desperate woman doing what she was told to protect her kids.
Put as much detail into the last eight lines as the rest of the story, and it could be terrific.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. i appreciate your honesty. I need to know when things are confusing. Great review. Thank you.
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Glad you took it in the spirit it was intended. I don't generally like to say anything negative, but I see real potential in this story and hoped my comments could make it even better.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wish I had a six for this. Brilliant flash fiction. I wish I'd thought of it. LOL! Who are you? I hate these blind contests, for this very reason. Grrr...
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Wish I had a six for this. Brilliant flash fiction. I wish I'd thought of it. LOL! Who are you? I hate these blind contests, for this very reason. Grrr...
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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You might know me as Judy lol. I had fun with this one.
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Thanks. :)
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Hi Phyllis, the CEC says that they have to disqualify my entry because It is not about an assassin. I disagree with them and wrote them a nice rebuttal however I do understand their opinion. The description also said to be creative and to have fun. I know I sometimes think differently than others. Do you think this should have been disqualified?
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I have to agree with the CEC this time. But it was a grrrreat story on its own. :)
Comment from light
Great take on the target of the assassin. The idea that we can kill things other than people is a different point of view. We can kill joy, marriages, and even reputations. Great read. Hope you nod well in the contest.
Elaine
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Great take on the target of the assassin. The idea that we can kill things other than people is a different point of view. We can kill joy, marriages, and even reputations. Great read. Hope you nod well in the contest.
Elaine
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you, It was an interesting write. She and Jackson killed two marriages and thought it was just a minor fling. 500 words are a real challenge. Let me know if anything wasn't clear. Thanks so much.
Comment from LisaD123
I enjoyed the way that the narrative twists and turns, and the ending is highly original and very well executed. The description is accurate and the reader has a clear sense of setting and characterisation. The dialogue is very authentic and moves the plot forward with good pace. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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I enjoyed the way that the narrative twists and turns, and the ending is highly original and very well executed. The description is accurate and the reader has a clear sense of setting and characterisation. The dialogue is very authentic and moves the plot forward with good pace. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I had an earlier review that gave me some ideas for change and it really helped me. I love your encouragement.
