Me Book
Viewing comments for Chapter 59 "Painting With Flesh!"My Self Biograpy
4 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Ricky,
I really like your poem. To me, it's about a love affair gone wrong. A woman hurt you deeply and so much that her betrayal made you go insane and suicidal. I can totally relate to that as I have been in that position more than once in my life (including the suicide attempt).
My suggestions to improve this excellent poem is to take all the (unnecessary and distracting parenthesis) out of the poem and correct your SPAGs. I would make your poem a stronger verse.
?"Painting With My Flesh!"? >>>> [ The question marks outside the quotation marks are unnecessary and confusing unless you did it for artistic reasons.]
By Ricky1024
Written on July {18 (th)( ,) ( )2016) >>>>[ July 18, (add space after comma) 2016]
[[Note- The events portrayed are actual and happened December 1st, 2006 in the afternoon.]] >>> these goes in your author notes or top description]
(") Once, and Only Once... [delete quotation mark]
(") Upon a Time when I lost my FUCKING MIND... [delete quotation mark]
(December 2006)
"I reached into.... [delete quotation mark]
'My Bag of Tricks' and found a *Knife!" [delete ALL quotation mark] >>> *****Quotation marks are used to tell the reader you are speaking to other people but in your poem you are the only one speaking so there is no need for them and besides, poems don't usually have them.****
"It was a Christmas Month... [month is not capitalized]
"The month of December... [not necessary since a ''Christmas month is always in december]
(As far as I want to remember) [delete all explanations in paratenthies]
"A light rain was falling...
'IN MY PLAIN'
"When I had an ( apifimy) ?" [ epiphany ]
...
"Tired of it (all.. ) [all (comma) ]
"Needing to Emulate Christ... [emulate Christ???? why? how? these is a weird phrase]
"But, He ( wa ) not naughty like Me... [was]
"And I needed to do as instructed by ( HE?".. ) [insturcted by HIM not HE]
...
"Evil (comes in many faces) and forms as it 'Bumps in the Night!" [ in many ways]
.
>>(As far as I want to remember) <<< [delete this ]
"When I had an (apifami)?" [epiphany]
...
"Tired of it (all.. ) [ all. ] a period, not two dots
"Needing to Emulate Christ... [emulate Christ? you are not emulating Christ. Are you trying to be sarcastic? That would make sense then]
"But, He( wa ) not naughty like Me... [was]
..
...
"You see kiddies...
"Evil (comes) in many faces) and forms as it 'Bumps in the Night!" [disguaizes]
and then it went away?" [why are you questioning here?]
'EVIL AND FUCKING SHIT' was happening to you?" [why question mark?]
...
"The Moral of this Story?"
"Well, I decided not to die in a 'FIT OF GLORY...
"FOR Glory is ( a ) Glory does but... [as]
"To Glorify my Eternal Love?" [why ? mark?]
...
"Yes, I wanted to Die...
"BUT is Life better than Death?" [ this doesn't match ''I wanted to die'' (but is life better than death? >>> the logical question would be '' but is death better than life?''
"True Love from Above?" [this statement confuses me, ''true love from Above?'' [ is the poem about the loss and betrayal of God or a lover? It is not clear.]
4.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
  |
Hello, Ricky,
I really like your poem. To me, it's about a love affair gone wrong. A woman hurt you deeply and so much that her betrayal made you go insane and suicidal. I can totally relate to that as I have been in that position more than once in my life (including the suicide attempt).
My suggestions to improve this excellent poem is to take all the (unnecessary and distracting parenthesis) out of the poem and correct your SPAGs. I would make your poem a stronger verse.
?"Painting With My Flesh!"? >>>> [ The question marks outside the quotation marks are unnecessary and confusing unless you did it for artistic reasons.]
By Ricky1024
Written on July {18 (th)( ,) ( )2016) >>>>[ July 18, (add space after comma) 2016]
[[Note- The events portrayed are actual and happened December 1st, 2006 in the afternoon.]] >>> these goes in your author notes or top description]
(") Once, and Only Once... [delete quotation mark]
(") Upon a Time when I lost my FUCKING MIND... [delete quotation mark]
(December 2006)
"I reached into.... [delete quotation mark]
'My Bag of Tricks' and found a *Knife!" [delete ALL quotation mark] >>> *****Quotation marks are used to tell the reader you are speaking to other people but in your poem you are the only one speaking so there is no need for them and besides, poems don't usually have them.****
"It was a Christmas Month... [month is not capitalized]
"The month of December... [not necessary since a ''Christmas month is always in december]
(As far as I want to remember) [delete all explanations in paratenthies]
"A light rain was falling...
'IN MY PLAIN'
"When I had an ( apifimy) ?" [ epiphany ]
...
"Tired of it (all.. ) [all (comma) ]
"Needing to Emulate Christ... [emulate Christ???? why? how? these is a weird phrase]
"But, He ( wa ) not naughty like Me... [was]
"And I needed to do as instructed by ( HE?".. ) [insturcted by HIM not HE]
...
"Evil (comes in many faces) and forms as it 'Bumps in the Night!" [ in many ways]
.
>>(As far as I want to remember) <<< [delete this ]
"When I had an (apifami)?" [epiphany]
...
"Tired of it (all.. ) [ all. ] a period, not two dots
"Needing to Emulate Christ... [emulate Christ? you are not emulating Christ. Are you trying to be sarcastic? That would make sense then]
"But, He( wa ) not naughty like Me... [was]
..
...
"You see kiddies...
"Evil (comes) in many faces) and forms as it 'Bumps in the Night!" [disguaizes]
and then it went away?" [why are you questioning here?]
'EVIL AND FUCKING SHIT' was happening to you?" [why question mark?]
...
"The Moral of this Story?"
"Well, I decided not to die in a 'FIT OF GLORY...
"FOR Glory is ( a ) Glory does but... [as]
"To Glorify my Eternal Love?" [why ? mark?]
...
"Yes, I wanted to Die...
"BUT is Life better than Death?" [ this doesn't match ''I wanted to die'' (but is life better than death? >>> the logical question would be '' but is death better than life?''
"True Love from Above?" [this statement confuses me, ''true love from Above?'' [ is the poem about the loss and betrayal of God or a lover? It is not clear.]
4.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
-
Thanks for the kind thoughts on my past pains and the time to correct my errors.
Love you..
RICKY...
-
love you back :)
Comment from Abby Wilson-hand
i have been there my self many times, i know what you say is true i want to go to heaven so i choes to put the gun away............i'm not a coward just tired of all the rain.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
|
i have been there my self many times, i know what you say is true i want to go to heaven so i choes to put the gun away............i'm not a coward just tired of all the rain.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
-
Sorry ib
Comment from Pantygynt
I see no purpose in this at all except to give an airing to a myriad of unnecessary punctuation and bad language. Personally I regard the former as the greater sin as the language disturbs me not at all but neither in this instance does it attract. What a waste of time. it is a very long time since i have awarded a grade as low as this but even that might be too high.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
 |
I see no purpose in this at all except to give an airing to a myriad of unnecessary punctuation and bad language. Personally I regard the former as the greater sin as the language disturbs me not at all but neither in this instance does it attract. What a waste of time. it is a very long time since i have awarded a grade as low as this but even that might be too high.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
-
Sorry you did not like it.
I think I will kill myself again!!
RICKY1024
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Damn, Ricky1024! I guess it's a good guess that people should shy away from your house any time after Thanksgiving until the New Year!!! lol...Somehow, I just can't imagine reading this (great!) story to a toddler sitting on my lap, intently listening to every single word! This was a truly fun ride! As always, enjoyed reading and reviewing your work. God bless and hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
|
Damn, Ricky1024! I guess it's a good guess that people should shy away from your house any time after Thanksgiving until the New Year!!! lol...Somehow, I just can't imagine reading this (great!) story to a toddler sitting on my lap, intently listening to every single word! This was a truly fun ride! As always, enjoyed reading and reviewing your work. God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
-
This was A'TESTING POINT in my life.
Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus the CHRIST have their reasons...
Thanks Susanne..
RICKY...
