Oh, Lucky Day
A man on a mission53 total reviews
Comment from light
Wow! That was scary. You obviously know a little about combat and were able to use just the right terminology to describe your situation. I wish you success in the contest.
Elaine
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Wow! That was scary. You obviously know a little about combat and were able to use just the right terminology to describe your situation. I wish you success in the contest.
Elaine
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Elaine, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll let you in on a little secret. I was never in combat, know absolutely nothing about it, and I wrote this piece's first draft in 11 minutes. I only noticed the contest when there was little over an hour to the deadline, and having to write it, find a picture, and get everything posted, there wasn't not much time for re-reading and polishing. :-)
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Well you sure had me fooled. What talent.
Elaine
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Thanks again, Elaine, for your kind words. You have honestly made my week. :-)
Comment from cterp
Good flash fiction. Fulfills the requirements of the prompt and fulfills the requirements of flash fiction, and is well written to boot, with the exception of lack of dialog. But since this is a single-person adventure, we will forgive the writer.
The only flaw that I can find is with the entire premise: in fact, the men on those Jeeps were in fact trying to "stop" him. He was running from them. He just didn't want to be stopped the way they were trying to stop him. But it does cast a bit of confusion on the opening statement.
chris
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Good flash fiction. Fulfills the requirements of the prompt and fulfills the requirements of flash fiction, and is well written to boot, with the exception of lack of dialog. But since this is a single-person adventure, we will forgive the writer.
The only flaw that I can find is with the entire premise: in fact, the men on those Jeeps were in fact trying to "stop" him. He was running from them. He just didn't want to be stopped the way they were trying to stop him. But it does cast a bit of confusion on the opening statement.
chris
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Chris, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. It did appear that they were just trying to "stop" him, but when he broke running and the machine guns were eating up the ground around him, I'm sure he knew he had made the right choice. And I'm sure there was plenty of dialog, but with the all the noise you couldn't hear it, and if you could have, the language wouldn't have been fit for anyone. Thanks, again. :-)
Comment from barkingdog
Good chase, escape(the daring forty foot jump) and rescue.
I guess he regretted taking on the mission that had him trapped in the desert with little to survive on while being chased by the enemy in four jeeps.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Good chase, escape(the daring forty foot jump) and rescue.
I guess he regretted taking on the mission that had him trapped in the desert with little to survive on while being chased by the enemy in four jeeps.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for the good wishes and taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I don't expect to be too competitive in the contest this time around, but I had fun writing the first draft in 11 minutes, with only a couple quick re-reads. When I noticed the contest there wasn't but about an hour until the deadline. Yes, I know, why in the world would I have even tried to produce something readable in that time span. Must have been a cross between an elephant and a rhino. Hellifiknow. :-)
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I can't even type that fast, let alone write a story in eleven minutes.
It's really pretty good.
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You're always so nice! And of course, I have good taste in friends. :-)
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They may have changed the deadline but I just checked and you actually have until Deadline: Sunday, July 17th at 01:01 AM EST.
That's two days. If you want to edit or change anything, you still have time before it goes to the booth.
I checked because I was planning to vote. Can't 'til Sunday.
:) e
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I'm open for any suggestions. I mean, I might even change the two cliches that I used to give the story and my character an older war-time mind set. I did soften one of cliches with "As they used to say." The ending is weak and comes from nowhere. But I was out time and available words. :-)
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh, action and more action, with excellent description too - I love it. My only nit might be where the narration allows us to peep at the author, taking us out of the story briefly "as the old saying goes".
Best of luck in the contest with this fast-paced thrill ride.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Oh, action and more action, with excellent description too - I love it. My only nit might be where the narration allows us to peep at the author, taking us out of the story briefly "as the old saying goes".
Best of luck in the contest with this fast-paced thrill ride.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, thanks for pointing that out, and I've noticed a few things I wish that I had done differently, but don't we always. LOL! I noticed this 500 word contest with about an hour before the deadline, which didn't give me long to get it written, find a picture, and get everything posted in time. I shouldn't have tried, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't be my silly self. Thanks, again. :-)
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You're very welcome - an amazing job!
Comment from c_lucas
The human body has no limitations, but it is fragile in some ways. This is very written and the mistake I saw was the limitations placed on the machine guns.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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The human body has no limitations, but it is fragile in some ways. This is very written and the mistake I saw was the limitations placed on the machine guns.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Yes, I had to create a few imaginary limitations for the machine guns, because as you obviously know, that in reality, the person in this predicament would have no chance of survival. Only books and movies make it possible. Thank you so much, Charlie, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated, as always. :-)
Comment from TAB_that's me
Though I don't like stories with violence, you flash fiction was well written. I didn't find any spell or grammar errors. Good luck in the contest.
Teresa
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Though I don't like stories with violence, you flash fiction was well written. I didn't find any spell or grammar errors. Good luck in the contest.
Teresa
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Teresa, for taking time to read my story. These types of stories aren't really my cup of tea either. I just happened to notice this 500 word contest and managed to enter within the hour. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Kooky Clown
A good and enjoyable read I was thinking to myself when reading this how on earth is he going to get away and what awful shots they were I was not sure about the ending as I would have thought that the helicopter would have been an easy target but I am not an expert on weapons. However as I said a good read.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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A good and enjoyable read I was thinking to myself when reading this how on earth is he going to get away and what awful shots they were I was not sure about the ending as I would have thought that the helicopter would have been an easy target but I am not an expert on weapons. However as I said a good read.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a really good one! Full of drama, suspense and action. I could see it all happening in from of me. Excellent story telling, and the ending was just right. Well done and good luck in the contest! xxx Sandra
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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That was a really good one! Full of drama, suspense and action. I could see it all happening in from of me. Excellent story telling, and the ending was just right. Well done and good luck in the contest! xxx Sandra
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated, as always. :-)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow... exciting stuff! I was out of breath by the time it ended. LOL! Saved in the nick of time. Loved the long jump into the river bed. I can just see a stunt man being given that assignment in a movie. :)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Wow... exciting stuff! I was out of breath by the time it ended. LOL! Saved in the nick of time. Loved the long jump into the river bed. I can just see a stunt man being given that assignment in a movie. :)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated, as always. :-)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good jeopardy introduced and dropping the protagonist right into the middle of things. Be careful of continuity of description. The ending seemed a bit abrupt and convenient.
faster than a roadrunner speeds to catch a coyote. - I'm pretty sure roadrunners don't speed up to catch coyotes, probably more likely to evade them.
Awesome powered machine guns that mutilate human bodies like the melting of toilet paper when it gets wet. - it's good to be inventive with metaphors and similes but I think this one feels a little weak given the awesomeness of the carnage being likened to wet toilet paper.
The armored Jeeps came from out of nowhere and surrounded me. / Hard, flat, open ground for 100 miles in all directions / I approached a forty-plus-foot vertical wall of an arroyo, a dry desert gulley - these descriptions don't match up.
I like to have never caught my breath - not sure what this means.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Hi there,
Good jeopardy introduced and dropping the protagonist right into the middle of things. Be careful of continuity of description. The ending seemed a bit abrupt and convenient.
faster than a roadrunner speeds to catch a coyote. - I'm pretty sure roadrunners don't speed up to catch coyotes, probably more likely to evade them.
Awesome powered machine guns that mutilate human bodies like the melting of toilet paper when it gets wet. - it's good to be inventive with metaphors and similes but I think this one feels a little weak given the awesomeness of the carnage being likened to wet toilet paper.
The armored Jeeps came from out of nowhere and surrounded me. / Hard, flat, open ground for 100 miles in all directions / I approached a forty-plus-foot vertical wall of an arroyo, a dry desert gulley - these descriptions don't match up.
I like to have never caught my breath - not sure what this means.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Oops! No excuses, but I wrote this in 11 minutes trying to get 500 words to enter the contest, and I definitely meant for the coyote to be chasing the roadrunner, and not the way I wrote it. My intentions with the huge differences in the machine guns and the wet toilet paper was done to show just how the skin and body of a human would seem to melt away being shot by a 50 caliber. Deserts are hard, flat, open ground for many miles in all directions, however, he luckily stumbled up to an arroyo. I like to have never caught my breath, is just the way people from where I live say things. He struggled to get his breath. As for the ending, it is WEAK. The helicopter just conveniently showed up at the perfect time, and besides, I was running out of words. Thank you so much as always for taking time to read my story and offer your always dead-on suggestions. I should never have tried to do this in a few short minutes, but only 500 words was too tempting. I appreciate your review, suggestions, and comments as always. :-)
