Oh, Lucky Day
A man on a mission53 total reviews
Comment from sage17611
This is a nicely written flash fiction with plenty of tensed action that keeps the reader on edge. Your story reminds me of one of Harrison Ford's action movies. Good flow, good creative excitement, good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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This is a nicely written flash fiction with plenty of tensed action that keeps the reader on edge. Your story reminds me of one of Harrison Ford's action movies. Good flow, good creative excitement, good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Sage, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it. :-)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a very strong action packed contest entry. It wasn't until the end could I figure out who he was trying to avoid. I like this post. Good luck with the contest.
PS: I see you got bumped too. Go figure.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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This is a very strong action packed contest entry. It wasn't until the end could I figure out who he was trying to avoid. I like this post. Good luck with the contest.
PS: I see you got bumped too. Go figure.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Barbara Wilkey, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, comments, and generous review are greatly appreciated. It's always extra nice when someone I enjoy reading drops in to check out one of my posts. :-)
Comment from RonCraig
Well done and very exciting story, good luck in the contest. a few suggestions;
Then, closing in, [steady], maybe "steadily"
The Jeeps' motors revved, clutches popped, and a quick glance over my shoulder [saw] maybe "revealed" instead of saw
daring, swoop-in, and pluck(ed) me right from under (the) enemies' noses rescue.
Ron
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Well done and very exciting story, good luck in the contest. a few suggestions;
Then, closing in, [steady], maybe "steadily"
The Jeeps' motors revved, clutches popped, and a quick glance over my shoulder [saw] maybe "revealed" instead of saw
daring, swoop-in, and pluck(ed) me right from under (the) enemies' noses rescue.
Ron
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Your first two suggestions are definitely better choices. As for the last two, in the last sentence, your choices make a much better sentence for sure, but the extra word would have put me over the 500 word limit. So, I decided to describe the kind of rescue. The sentence is actually saying ... Apache helicopters orchestrated another daring, swoop-in, and pluck-me-right-right-from-under-enemies'-noses rescue. Not making excuses, but I wrote this piece in 11 minutes, noticing the contest with little over an hour to the deadline, and still having to write it, find a picture, and get it posted in a panic. Two quick read overs revealed nothing to me, but luckily I did get to correct a few other blunders when the closing time on the contest was extended. LOL! Oh, well, I shouldn't have tried it anyway. Thanks again for the great review and your dead-on suggestions. :-)
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I think it's great you went for it and given the time crunch you were under did a fantastic job here. I have never done well with contests, but have enjoyed throwing my hat in the ring a few times.
Ron
Comment from forestport12
This is an interesting war story. It has potential to be a much bigger story. I liked the scenes you painted and the action kept me in it. Good luck.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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This is an interesting war story. It has potential to be a much bigger story. I liked the scenes you painted and the action kept me in it. Good luck.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Jay Squires
I liked what you did with this. You maintained the tension of the hunters and the hunted, got him into a situation that allowed no exit, except one that almost guaranteed death. And you stuck with the protagonist until the end, being very blow-by-blow specific, bringing the reader with the protagonist to share his drama.
Excellent job!
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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I liked what you did with this. You maintained the tension of the hunters and the hunted, got him into a situation that allowed no exit, except one that almost guaranteed death. And you stuck with the protagonist until the end, being very blow-by-blow specific, bringing the reader with the protagonist to share his drama.
Excellent job!
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Jay Squires, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I am always honored when such a talented writer stops by to read and review my posts. I appreciate you! :-)
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Reading your story was my pleasure. Usually I pan for water; it's a rare delight to run across some gold.
Comment from F. Wehr3
This was a good story. I enjoyed the fast paced feel to it. I have a couple of suggestions for consideration.
a Sig-45acp-- this just needs a space between 45 and acp.
syringes of painkiller is all I had to keep me alive.-- You have a couple times where you slip into present tense from past tense. I would suggest a switch from is to was. I think you also need to insert 'a' in front of painkiller or name it.
a quick glance over my shoulder saw spinning tires throwing rooster tails of sand-- take another look at this sentence. It appears as though your shoulder is doing the seeing, lol. Maybe I quickly glanced( past tense) over my shoulder, noticing spinning...
Lastly, I would suggest looking at your asides. You use several over the course of the story. I believe it makes some of the writing choppy and slows the pace down for the reader. You want this as fast as you can get it.
Overall, I enjoyed your tale, and I think with minor edits it could be very good. I hope this is helpful to you. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Take care,
Russell
Review part two: These are suggestions. I want you to keep developing your own style, which I enjoy very much.
From out of nowhere, the armored Jeeps surrounded me, at first stopping at a distance. Then, closing in, steady, eliminating all means of escape.-- My suggestion here is to start your second sentence with at first. They stopped a short distance away, and then steadily closed in on my position, eliminating all means of escape.
No sign of lasso ropes, as I could see, aroused doubt of any intentions to capture me.-- My suspicions of their intent to kill me were confirmed as I noticed they carried no lassos. Still kind of rough, but I hope you get the gist.
Straightaway, with no time to weigh choices, I approached a forty-foot-plus vertical wall of an arroyo, a dry desert gully.-- Running as fast as I could with only the thought of survival, I encountered a vertical drop to an arroyo. It must be at least forty-feet to the bottom, and I figured it would kill me anyway. I didn't notice before, but an arroyo would be below, so it couldn't be a wall.
Although, from 40 feet, I figured it might kill me anyway.-- delete forty feet as it is mentioned.
Anyways, just banging some keys to let you know what I was thinking. Please do not not take this word for word. More a free flow of ideas, thinking out loud, wondering , pondering...
Anytime you need help, advice, want to bounce ideas around, let me know. Sometimes it may take awhile, but I will help when I can.
The best to you and take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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This was a good story. I enjoyed the fast paced feel to it. I have a couple of suggestions for consideration.
a Sig-45acp-- this just needs a space between 45 and acp.
syringes of painkiller is all I had to keep me alive.-- You have a couple times where you slip into present tense from past tense. I would suggest a switch from is to was. I think you also need to insert 'a' in front of painkiller or name it.
a quick glance over my shoulder saw spinning tires throwing rooster tails of sand-- take another look at this sentence. It appears as though your shoulder is doing the seeing, lol. Maybe I quickly glanced( past tense) over my shoulder, noticing spinning...
Lastly, I would suggest looking at your asides. You use several over the course of the story. I believe it makes some of the writing choppy and slows the pace down for the reader. You want this as fast as you can get it.
Overall, I enjoyed your tale, and I think with minor edits it could be very good. I hope this is helpful to you. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Take care,
Russell
Review part two: These are suggestions. I want you to keep developing your own style, which I enjoy very much.
From out of nowhere, the armored Jeeps surrounded me, at first stopping at a distance. Then, closing in, steady, eliminating all means of escape.-- My suggestion here is to start your second sentence with at first. They stopped a short distance away, and then steadily closed in on my position, eliminating all means of escape.
No sign of lasso ropes, as I could see, aroused doubt of any intentions to capture me.-- My suspicions of their intent to kill me were confirmed as I noticed they carried no lassos. Still kind of rough, but I hope you get the gist.
Straightaway, with no time to weigh choices, I approached a forty-foot-plus vertical wall of an arroyo, a dry desert gully.-- Running as fast as I could with only the thought of survival, I encountered a vertical drop to an arroyo. It must be at least forty-feet to the bottom, and I figured it would kill me anyway. I didn't notice before, but an arroyo would be below, so it couldn't be a wall.
Although, from 40 feet, I figured it might kill me anyway.-- delete forty feet as it is mentioned.
Anyways, just banging some keys to let you know what I was thinking. Please do not not take this word for word. More a free flow of ideas, thinking out loud, wondering , pondering...
Anytime you need help, advice, want to bounce ideas around, let me know. Sometimes it may take awhile, but I will help when I can.
The best to you and take care,
Russell
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Russell, for taking time to read and offer your always helpful suggestions. Not making excuses, but I actually wrote this piece in 11 minutes, after noticing a 500 word contest that was closing in little over an hour. Of course, as it turned out, the contest was either pushed back three or four days, or I just misread the closing in 1 hour and 35 minutes prompt. I had noticed three of the things you suggest changing, but of course I have to wait until the voting is over to correct them. I added the asides trying to add a little humor to what I feel would otherwise be boring, repetitive action. Just trying to give it a little personality, and making it something other than a traditional war story. You have helped me tons, and I'm almost embarrassed to ask, but I do wish you would give me some examples of how you think I should write and leave out the asides. I know you are busy, and totally understand if you don't have time. I appreciate YOU! :-)
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I updated your review to include some more suggestions. It's a little rough, but I hope it is helpful.
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Thanks Russell, I appreciate You!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A nice military style action story about a daring escape from certain death in the line of fire. It was exciting with nail biting suspense and action. Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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A nice military style action story about a daring escape from certain death in the line of fire. It was exciting with nail biting suspense and action. Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Rhonda, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it. :-)
Comment from Ulla
Wow,this is quite a story for the competition, I hope you'll do very well. You certainly met the requirement.
'is all I had to keep me alive' = 'was all I had to keep me alive.'
All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Wow,this is quite a story for the competition, I hope you'll do very well. You certainly met the requirement.
'is all I had to keep me alive' = 'was all I had to keep me alive.'
All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Ulla, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Excellent imagery throughout with great sentences, paragraphs and verbiage giving breath to this fine work. A living, breathing organism that the reader could touch, feel, see and taste. Great writing. Love anything doing with war-time. I was military for four years and loved it. You have done a fine job on this write. Wish I had a six-star left to give it....oh, wait I do! lol...well worthy. God bless and hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Excellent imagery throughout with great sentences, paragraphs and verbiage giving breath to this fine work. A living, breathing organism that the reader could touch, feel, see and taste. Great writing. Love anything doing with war-time. I was military for four years and loved it. You have done a fine job on this write. Wish I had a six-star left to give it....oh, wait I do! lol...well worthy. God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Susanne, dear, sweet lady, I can't thank you enough for this wonderful review, one of my all-time favorites. It's the encouragement of reviews like yours that motivates us all to work harder, improving our craft and, wanting to help fellow writers with similar kind words and reasons to keep plugging alone, to get better. Thank you so much this review and the outstanding six-star review. You have made my week! :-)
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I am very pleased that I have encouraged you further...you have talent and should share it!!! God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment from JBCaine
Author X-
Good flash fiction piece with action from start to finish.
You sound like you've been there.
A PLF from 40 feet does not sound like a good time, but certainly sounds better than the immediate alternative described. Good luck to you in your contest.
JBCaine-
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Author X-
Good flash fiction piece with action from start to finish.
You sound like you've been there.
A PLF from 40 feet does not sound like a good time, but certainly sounds better than the immediate alternative described. Good luck to you in your contest.
JBCaine-
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, JBCaine, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
