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Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "One Beautiful Day "Story telling poems
19 total reviews
Comment from WalkerMan
These lyrics certainly qualify as a faith-based Country Western Song. I especially like the chorus, which displays that faith well and shows determination to survive the hardships mentioned at the beginning by counting blessings such as the sunrise. I like the message of hope in the bridge, too; and the supplement to the chorus is a fine ending. The only issue I have with it is that the meter in the main verses is a bit uneven (unless that's intended and still singable). Overall, well done.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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These lyrics certainly qualify as a faith-based Country Western Song. I especially like the chorus, which displays that faith well and shows determination to survive the hardships mentioned at the beginning by counting blessings such as the sunrise. I like the message of hope in the bridge, too; and the supplement to the chorus is a fine ending. The only issue I have with it is that the meter in the main verses is a bit uneven (unless that's intended and still singable). Overall, well done.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much Walker man. There is a melody that fits the verses. However, I still think it could use some work. I appreciate your input.
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You're welcome. You have a potential hit on your hands with this one, if you can smooth out the meter. It is definitely worth the extra effort.If you significantly improve it, put a "2" after the title and post it again. You'll likely get even better reviews. As it is, you are doing pretty well with it in the contest. -- Mike
Comment from kathleenspalding
I know nothing about writing poetry, and I didn't stop to think about rhythm etc. Because everything flows well and the message is beautiful and also beautifully written. Thank you for writing and sharing. I hope you can find someone to help make this into a hit song!
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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I know nothing about writing poetry, and I didn't stop to think about rhythm etc. Because everything flows well and the message is beautiful and also beautifully written. Thank you for writing and sharing. I hope you can find someone to help make this into a hit song!
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I am a music teacher so it is a song. I hope to find a way to put it on line for you thank you so much. I wrote this over 20 years ago. Those children are now successful adults. The oldest Nik was 10 , He is now 31 and ranked 8th in the world in the UFC. His next fight is on September 10th on pay per view. My daughter is now a lawyer and the little guy that told stories is now a Mechanic for BMW. See life did get better. You made my day with your generous stars.
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Good for all of you!!! You're very welcome, and all the best!
Comment from rbutner
Wow , I love your song. It is very well written, meaningful, tells a great story. The chorus is very good. I'd love to hear it sung.
Renee
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Wow , I love your song. It is very well written, meaningful, tells a great story. The chorus is very good. I'd love to hear it sung.
Renee
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I am a music teacher so it is a song. I hope to find a way to put it on line for you thank you so much. I wrote this over 20 years ago. Those children are now successful adults. The oldest Nik was 10 , He is now 31 and ranked 8th in the world in the UFC. His next fight is on September 10th on pay per view. My daughter is now a lawyer and the little guy that told stories is now a Mechanic for BMW. See life did get better. You made my day with your generous sta
Comment from TAB_that's me
I could just hear this to a tune. In my head, it was country as you said but also a bit contemporary Christian.
Beautiful words. Good luck in the contest.
Teresa
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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I could just hear this to a tune. In my head, it was country as you said but also a bit contemporary Christian.
Beautiful words. Good luck in the contest.
Teresa
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I am a music teacher so it is a song. I hope to find a way to put it on line for you thank you so much. I wrote this over 20 years ago. Those children are now successful adults. The oldest Nik was 10 , He is now 31 and ranked 8th in the world in the UFC. His next fight is on September 10th on pay per view. My daughter is now a lawyer and the little guy that told stories is now a Mechanic for BMW. See life did get better. You made my day with your generous sta
Comment from Pantygynt
I enjoyed the sentiments expressed in this song and the positive attitude behind the lyric. The fairly complex (to me) structure of the lyric and the tune tune shift at the bridge meant that no tune came easily to mind. I wouldn't take that as adverse criticism though since I am a musical simpleton.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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I enjoyed the sentiments expressed in this song and the positive attitude behind the lyric. The fairly complex (to me) structure of the lyric and the tune tune shift at the bridge meant that no tune came easily to mind. I wouldn't take that as adverse criticism though since I am a musical simpleton.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I am a music teacher so it is a song. I hope to find a way to put it on line for you thank you so much. I wrote this over 20 years ago. Those children are now successful adults. The oldest Nik was 10 , He is now 31 and ranked 8th in the world in the UFC. His next fight is on September 10th on pay per view. My daughter is now a lawyer and the little guy that told stories is now a Mechanic for BMW. See life did get better. You made my day with your generous sta
Comment from c_lucas
One need faith in oneself if order to make it through the day. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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One need faith in oneself if order to make it through the day. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you, that was actually written when my children were 4 8 and 10 they are now 25 , just turning 30 and the following month 32. The oldest is a UFC fighter , you can watch him on Pay Per view. Sept . 10th. The little girl is a lawyer and the youngest is a mechanic for BMW. We all made it. It's sure one beautiful day.
'
Comment from royowen
As a songwriter, it would be quite time consuming to write melodies for this song, the chorus is fine, and I'm not sure what the first stanza Is, a prelude? A refrain? In Hymns, (although this is not one) normally melodies for both chorus carries the same melody, and verses similar to each other, however, there are exceptions, Bohemian rhapsody by Queen for one! In either 8686 or 8888 syllable count was very common, they started out as poems put to music, I've composed a few. It reads like free verse, have you got a melody in mind? I'm not trying to be critical only helpful, it's an excellent ode, very well written, beautifully composed, good luck in the contest. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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As a songwriter, it would be quite time consuming to write melodies for this song, the chorus is fine, and I'm not sure what the first stanza Is, a prelude? A refrain? In Hymns, (although this is not one) normally melodies for both chorus carries the same melody, and verses similar to each other, however, there are exceptions, Bohemian rhapsody by Queen for one! In either 8686 or 8888 syllable count was very common, they started out as poems put to music, I've composed a few. It reads like free verse, have you got a melody in mind? I'm not trying to be critical only helpful, it's an excellent ode, very well written, beautifully composed, good luck in the contest. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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I like your comments. It does have a melody. I am interested in all you say. That is why we write on this site. I can record it on my computer but I don''t know how to transfer it to this site. I actually like the melody for the chorus I have. I also like the second melody for the bridge. I have also questioned the melody I have for the stanzas but it is the same for the beginning and the other verses. Hmm. Wish I could show you I would love to hear your suggestions. Thanks as always. That is why we write.
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Have you tried sister site fanmusic one can post it there.
Comment from bcwoods
The poem/song told a great story. A story of a woman struggling but still seeing the beauty all around her. Keep of the good work. You told the story beautifulkly and I was intrigued by it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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The poem/song told a great story. A story of a woman struggling but still seeing the beauty all around her. Keep of the good work. You told the story beautifulkly and I was intrigued by it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Hi , thank you for the comments. Why did you only give four stars if you liked it? What could have been better.
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I would have liked to see consistency with the stanzas. Either all short or all long. The various lengths throw off the rhythm when I was reading it. Hope that helps.
Comment from frogbook
Nice lyrics for this song. Flows smoothly with a great chorus. Takes the reader (or listener) on a journey from despair to hope.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Nice lyrics for this song. Flows smoothly with a great chorus. Takes the reader (or listener) on a journey from despair to hope.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. Haven't heard from you lately. Missed you Froggy.
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Wow! That is just one very beautiful entry into the Write a Sacred Song poem contest. I can relate (through all the strife my mother went through when we were you and dad had left), and it is a painful song lyrics. Great job. Good luck in the contest and God bless. Hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Wow! That is just one very beautiful entry into the Write a Sacred Song poem contest. I can relate (through all the strife my mother went through when we were you and dad had left), and it is a painful song lyrics. Great job. Good luck in the contest and God bless. Hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I believe there is nothing more sacred than a sunrise. It shows the world and me that life begins anew. I wrote that song 25 years ago. Those children are successful adults now. Nik, the oldest son, is a UFC fighter ranked in the top ten in the world. He fights September tenth on pay per view. Mandy, the little ribbon girl, is a lawyer with a daughter of her own. My youngest that told me so many stories is a mechanic for BMW. I would love to see and hear what you write about your experience. It seems so hard when we go through it. but as I said. The sun still rises.
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You should be and sound very proud! God bless and hugs, Susanne
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You should be and sound very proud! God bless and hugs, Susanne
