The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Tabby's Tale: part one"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
27 total reviews
Comment from seaglass
Things are getting serious. This would be traumatic for anyone to live through. I can't wait to see how they get out of this and what will happen to the resurrected mummy when it's over.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Things are getting serious. This would be traumatic for anyone to live through. I can't wait to see how they get out of this and what will happen to the resurrected mummy when it's over.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thanks so much for the review. Things are getting a bit hairy for the group--especially Tabby, but they are pretty resourceful kids!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
Another very good chapter here. The differing perspectives for various parts of the story is very effective and brings a different tone to the work each time it is employed.
reanimate me. Now, get if off." - get it off.
But, Mike, I think - should be but here (no capital) as only proceeded by commas in tag and dialogue.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Another very good chapter here. The differing perspectives for various parts of the story is very effective and brings a different tone to the work each time it is employed.
reanimate me. Now, get if off." - get it off.
But, Mike, I think - should be but here (no capital) as only proceeded by commas in tag and dialogue.
All the best
G
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, G, for the wonderful review! I look forward to your careful reviews, and for the one day you tell me you find no flaws. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you are finding them with your discerning eyes! You've been a great help in improving my work. Someday, I'll do it! But, then, I'm sure I'll make it up on the next chapter...haha...wouldn't want you to feel unwanted.
Take care, my friend, and thanks, again, for your review,
Rhonda
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Cowgirl. Well it's about time you posted this! Fancy making me wait this long! I'm an old man, you know lol. Anyway, I have the chapter that I've been waiting for now.
"I was somewhat interested until he said he intended to make us mummies, as well, beginning with me." ( Yes, I can see how that would put a damper on things.)
"Beyond that point, things get fuzzy." (Maybe drop the "point" as you have it in the previous paragraph as well.)
" It was the one containing the body of Atenabend, his Nubian half sister." (Crikey! A dormatory.)
"to hold my organs after they were removed during mummification," ( Brilliance. What an image you paint here. Wow!)
" How thoughtful--- all dead people should be healthy." ( Hahahaha! That gets me thinks that I should put in my will to keep the vitamins upto me, specially, vitamin c, I hate it when I get a cold.)
"Hey, Ahmed," I called out. "There's a bug on me. Get it off." (Hahahaha! She's about to be mummified and she worried about a bug. Great work.)
""If you want me to be quiet, then you better get this nasty roach off my chest,"( Okay, story time. During the last flood I heard screaming from the sisters house next door, which is bout 6 feet from our house, in the compound. So I ran through 5 feet of water and up the stairs, and there they were, husband and wife cowering on the bed. "Bitin" (snake.) So I caught it and set it free and went back home, upstairs. Next thing I'm calling one of our sons to get this flippin' roach out of my bedroom. They can't understand why I'm scared of them!)
"My name is Mike Holly, but I'll bet you figured that out already." (Uh-ha! I wondered what he looked like.)
"or I will let loose with a whole stream of words that won't make me fit for anyone's sacrifice, royal or otherwise." ( Hahaha! That's hilarious.)
""Won't it ruin the procedure if I leave the room?" (Sheesh! Some God. Glad he's not mine or he'd be asking which prayers to grant and which not to.)
"What about the bug?" I asked Mike. " (ROFL! I love this. I'm trying to read with tears rolling out my eyes.)
"You look like an idiot." (lol.)
"Then I will break both your legs," Mike said." (Ouch!)
That is one of the most entertaining book chapters that I've ever read. I know it's a very serious issue, but you had me in stitches the whole way through.
I just hope the girls and boys make in time to save her, she's my favorite. I love young people with an attitude.
You are a star Pardna.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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G'day Cowgirl. Well it's about time you posted this! Fancy making me wait this long! I'm an old man, you know lol. Anyway, I have the chapter that I've been waiting for now.
"I was somewhat interested until he said he intended to make us mummies, as well, beginning with me." ( Yes, I can see how that would put a damper on things.)
"Beyond that point, things get fuzzy." (Maybe drop the "point" as you have it in the previous paragraph as well.)
" It was the one containing the body of Atenabend, his Nubian half sister." (Crikey! A dormatory.)
"to hold my organs after they were removed during mummification," ( Brilliance. What an image you paint here. Wow!)
" How thoughtful--- all dead people should be healthy." ( Hahahaha! That gets me thinks that I should put in my will to keep the vitamins upto me, specially, vitamin c, I hate it when I get a cold.)
"Hey, Ahmed," I called out. "There's a bug on me. Get it off." (Hahahaha! She's about to be mummified and she worried about a bug. Great work.)
""If you want me to be quiet, then you better get this nasty roach off my chest,"( Okay, story time. During the last flood I heard screaming from the sisters house next door, which is bout 6 feet from our house, in the compound. So I ran through 5 feet of water and up the stairs, and there they were, husband and wife cowering on the bed. "Bitin" (snake.) So I caught it and set it free and went back home, upstairs. Next thing I'm calling one of our sons to get this flippin' roach out of my bedroom. They can't understand why I'm scared of them!)
"My name is Mike Holly, but I'll bet you figured that out already." (Uh-ha! I wondered what he looked like.)
"or I will let loose with a whole stream of words that won't make me fit for anyone's sacrifice, royal or otherwise." ( Hahaha! That's hilarious.)
""Won't it ruin the procedure if I leave the room?" (Sheesh! Some God. Glad he's not mine or he'd be asking which prayers to grant and which not to.)
"What about the bug?" I asked Mike. " (ROFL! I love this. I'm trying to read with tears rolling out my eyes.)
"You look like an idiot." (lol.)
"Then I will break both your legs," Mike said." (Ouch!)
That is one of the most entertaining book chapters that I've ever read. I know it's a very serious issue, but you had me in stitches the whole way through.
I just hope the girls and boys make in time to save her, she's my favorite. I love young people with an attitude.
You are a star Pardna.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Padna!!!
Your review is better reading than the chapter. You're the best reviewer ever!! Step but step you take me through each part and tell what you like and what needs correction.
I opted for humor in this section because it's rather scary and I wanted to "lighten the atmosphere", besides, Tabby is sassy by design. The Daredevils find themselves in peril often, so Tabby's adopted a devil may care attitude, plus she was still under the influence of the drugs they gave her.
Thanks for the wonderful six stars, and your amazing review, brother.
Kumusta to the Kwalas!
Cowgirl
Comment from RichardG
I really enjoyed Tabitha's internal dialogue. She's a very likable character.
I would have liked to see more tension between Mike and Tabitha. Not knowing much about what takes place prior to this, it almost seemed like the two of them were having friendly banter as opposed to feeling like her life was in danger.
Outside of that, this is great!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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I really enjoyed Tabitha's internal dialogue. She's a very likable character.
I would have liked to see more tension between Mike and Tabitha. Not knowing much about what takes place prior to this, it almost seemed like the two of them were having friendly banter as opposed to feeling like her life was in danger.
Outside of that, this is great!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Actually, tabby was feeling the effects of the drug, and wasn't as aware of the danger as she should have been. I was trying to make a point about the dangers of certain drugs that mimic this very behavior.
I do appreciate the comment, and will try to add more tension. Thanks for the advice,
Rhonda
Comment from MTF1955
Another wonderful chapter. I laughed out loud at this. How thoughtful--- all dead people should be healthy. Oh well, not my culture, but still my problem.
Just a great read. Look forward to the next chapter. Mary
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Another wonderful chapter. I laughed out loud at this. How thoughtful--- all dead people should be healthy. Oh well, not my culture, but still my problem.
Just a great read. Look forward to the next chapter. Mary
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Mary. What a sweet review. Tabby's the sassy one of the group and she was "under the influence". Thanks for your comment about her. Have to have comic relief occasionally.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from create4christ
Thus story is very interesting. I wish I had read all of the beginning. I am definitely drawn in and compelled to read from beginning to end. I am anxious to read the next section to see what happens.
Thank you for sharing...Penny
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thus story is very interesting. I wish I had read all of the beginning. I am definitely drawn in and compelled to read from beginning to end. I am anxious to read the next section to see what happens.
Thank you for sharing...Penny
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Penny, you are so sweet. If you do go back and read, don't feel compelled to leave comments. It can be exhausting. Either way, I appreciate the support,
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Tabby is one tough girl! She is so sarcastic in trying to throw these two babbling idiots off their game! It is funny how she notices that Hood orders Akie around when he is supposed to be a Pharaoh!
Lots of great dialogue in this chapter. Tabby, even though she is tied up and worrying about that scabbard is still tough!
Well done Rhonda! Take care my friend,,,,,,,, Jim
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Tabby is one tough girl! She is so sarcastic in trying to throw these two babbling idiots off their game! It is funny how she notices that Hood orders Akie around when he is supposed to be a Pharaoh!
Lots of great dialogue in this chapter. Tabby, even though she is tied up and worrying about that scabbard is still tough!
Well done Rhonda! Take care my friend,,,,,,,, Jim
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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I'm glad you noticed that Tabby was purposely trying to pit these guys against each other. Tabby is smart and resourceful, often keeping her cool under fire.
Thanks for the review,
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
She's amazingly more calm in this situation than I would be. I wouldn't like the scarab bug either! I can't wait to find out how she gets out of if the others rescue her.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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She's amazingly more calm in this situation than I would be. I wouldn't like the scarab bug either! I can't wait to find out how she gets out of if the others rescue her.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Melissa,
Yeah, Tabby's the coolest under fire. While Becky often caves in, Tabby's smart and resourceful.
Thanks, so much, for the brilliant review,
Rhonda
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You're welcome. Sent the book to you yesterday:)
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Oh, great!! I'll send you a copy of mine as soon as things settle down around here. I think my husband is holding up well under the pressure. He's the oldest of 6 children and many of the funeral preparations are up to him. He's such a good big brother, and son. His mother has thanked him over and over for taking care of the details.
I look forward to reading your book!
Rhonda
Comment from jlsavell
Rhonda,
Creepy and rather comical at the same time. great dialogue and imagery, an imagery I want to get out of my head. Can you blame me? No, I do not think so. Very well done. You know I was watching medical mysteries. Now how would you like to be declared dead and wake up in the middle of the night in a morgue, freezing your arse off. Thank god they delivered you when the mortician had closed down, or you'd really be lifeless. Well it appears there is a condition, rare, where a person falls unconscious and they cannot detect pulse of breath. Go figure. I kept thinking of this while reading your creepy crawly work.. lol.. jimi
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Rhonda,
Creepy and rather comical at the same time. great dialogue and imagery, an imagery I want to get out of my head. Can you blame me? No, I do not think so. Very well done. You know I was watching medical mysteries. Now how would you like to be declared dead and wake up in the middle of the night in a morgue, freezing your arse off. Thank god they delivered you when the mortician had closed down, or you'd really be lifeless. Well it appears there is a condition, rare, where a person falls unconscious and they cannot detect pulse of breath. Go figure. I kept thinking of this while reading your creepy crawly work.. lol.. jimi
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Jimi. I absolutely enjoyed your review. I've heard of that happening before. How terrible.
I had to tread carefully on this scene as my audience is YA, but they can take more than people used to think, but, still...
So I added a little comic relief in the face of danger, plus, Tabby's designed to be calm in the face of danger.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
What's cool about this chapter, and feel,almost silly saying it, is that I've just realised how clever you've been in creating this story in terms of point of view. I've been following along not giving much thought to the fact that each of these speakers shows a different part of the story through quite different voices. The previous speaker was outside this chamber and relied on supposition, sound and reported information to talk about the sacrifice. Here, Tabby, a delightfully sassy character, shows us just what took place and why. It also reveals a lot more about Mike Holly, the madman behind the scheme. The noise that distracts Ackie also links to the characters we've read about before. I'm now beginning to understand the purpose of rebelling the adventures via the assembly, rather than writing some type of third person omniscient viewpoint. The amusement in this arose from Tabby's discomfort over the scarab's encroachment on her face. Very clean, well edited piece, extremely well written. Great entertainment.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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What's cool about this chapter, and feel,almost silly saying it, is that I've just realised how clever you've been in creating this story in terms of point of view. I've been following along not giving much thought to the fact that each of these speakers shows a different part of the story through quite different voices. The previous speaker was outside this chamber and relied on supposition, sound and reported information to talk about the sacrifice. Here, Tabby, a delightfully sassy character, shows us just what took place and why. It also reveals a lot more about Mike Holly, the madman behind the scheme. The noise that distracts Ackie also links to the characters we've read about before. I'm now beginning to understand the purpose of rebelling the adventures via the assembly, rather than writing some type of third person omniscient viewpoint. The amusement in this arose from Tabby's discomfort over the scarab's encroachment on her face. Very clean, well edited piece, extremely well written. Great entertainment.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for the extremely generous stars! It was an ambitious project, but I hoped to give better insight into the characters this way. It's sort of confusing when you spread out chapters over weeks and months, but read as one piece, makes more sense.
Tabby is the sassiest of the bunch. She's a no nonsense girl who often stands up for the more timid group members.
I'm delighted this chapter came across funny and creepy at the same time. I don't want to switch from fantasy to horror. Lol...leave that to Dean.
Take care,
Rhonda
