Comment from Walu Feral

Excellent

G'day Jo. I've been waiting for you to post this chapter.

" she had always had her mother and siblings to watch her back. Now, she would face a whole new way of life." (Yep. Taking that first step is a start. I remember it from when I left at 14yo. Scary.)

"Hey, swamp rat! Whatcha doing out of the swamp?" A teenage boy taunted." (Great! the first people she meets are dickheads!)


"No! I don't want no ride, you boys better git or I'll take my pistol out of dis poke and blow yer heads clean off you. Git!" (lol. Good stuff!)

"The boys laughed and sped away." (Phew!)

"My uncles' wife has worked there since the war began. She lives in Bridge City not too far from the yards." (How cool is that?)

"She wondered if all sailors were this nice." (lol. Nope.)

"Thank you so much(space)... for being so kind to me."

"Goodbye, little girl." Tom and Bill joined in." (That was a very touching scene. Very well done, with top quality imagery.)


""I'm seventeen and I don' know what dat security thang you ask about," Marie replied." (Shit! Darn dem rules.)


"Marie turned and slowly left the office." (So sad.)

Fantastic work mate. The dialogue is beautiful, as is the imagery. I barracking for this girl!

Cheers Fez

 Comment Written 11-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016

Thank you so much, Fez, for reading my stuff. I enjoy your comments so much. They make me laugh.

Jo

Comment from cterp

Excellent

Oh no! Another book I have to catch up on! You have me hooked already. This chapter is quite interesting. Your main character, Marie, promises to be an interesting one, sure to get herself into messy predicaments.

chris

 Comment Written 07-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016

Thank you, Chris, I'm glad you are enjoying my chapters.

Jo

Comment from RiseRutland

Excellent

I absolutely love this! I typically only review poetry, but this story grabbed me from the beginning. Great use of the dialogue to convey the situation and the scene. I was instantly drawn to your character, Marie. Thank you so much for sharing.

 Comment Written 07-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016

I am so glad you are enjoying my book. I'll be putting more on soon.

Jo

Comment from Hayley Solomon

Excellent

Very good read. Characters real, dialogue good, some irony,
dramatic tension. Just watch for repeated words in contagious sentences
and maybe use synonyms if you can.

 Comment Written 07-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016

Thanks, Hayley, for reviewing my work and for the sound advice.

Jo

Comment from Leen1

Excellent

This is where I came in as I did not read any other chapters and believe me I am hooked already. I love your writing style as it gives the reader a clear view of the characters. The wording is right on point with the storyline. I look forward to the next chapter.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

I am so glad you liked my chapter. If you get a chance read the other chapters. It will help you understand the story
a little better.

Jo

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

OH, That will be a big problem for Marie. Someone is going to take advantage of her for sure now. She will not be able to get a legitimate Job without the birth certificate and the
SS card.At this point in time she is easy prey for any and all the evil people who stalk the dark streets of New Orleans.
I'm goin' to N[ew] Orleans to git a job." (typo there.)
Good story. Nancy

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

Thanks, Nancy, for catching my typo. I read these things over and over and still miss stuff. I'll go back and correct. I'm
glad you are liking my story. Yes, she does get into a lot of trouble in New Orleans. :o)

Jo