Comment from sage17611

Excellent

Wow, what an interesting story. I like that fact that the little boy did everything Mike told him and was comforted by Mike who turns out to be a ghost. What a twist to this flash kidnapped fiction. This is a very creative write with a good theme. Good luck today with the contest.

 Comment Written 07-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016

thank you so much. I truly appreciate your support. I'm beginning to enjoy flash fiction , it is a real challenge.

reply by sage17611 on 07-Jul-2016

You did a good job, this one got my vote:)

reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016

Thank you so much. I truly needed it.

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Exceptional

Superb in every way. The ending is PERFECT. Bravo. Glad I have a six for this masterpiece. Looks like a winner to me. I'm heading for the voting booth. :)

 Comment Written 07-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016

thank you Phyllis. I enjoyed writing it I appreciate your support so much .

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

Very good piece of flash fiction for this competition. Good tension and drama produced in such a short piece too.

Can I come out now. - this should have a question mark.

"No, I just want to go home. I'm hungry? - need closing speech marks.

shoot at his pants zipper - need an apostrophe in there.

All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

thanks as always for the wonderful corrections. What would I do without you?

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

Man oh man, what a fantastic ending. I had no idea. Wonderful dialogue made Mike a real boy. Ghost-boy is even better.
You allow the reader's imagination to visualize the abuse which is a very good technique. Readers are good at filling in the blanks.

Good luck in the contest.

:e

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

thank you so much. You are right, i didn't want to be graphic. It is much more horrid when you picture it on your own.

Comment from LIJ Red

Excellent

Suggested changes:
There was a voice in the room, a small boy's voice. Makes 483 words.
" I did it. It worked Mike."=="I did it! It worked, Mike!"
A fine entry for a Kidnapped flash fiction.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

Thank you and love your suggestions. I so appreciate your time.

Comment from Domino 2

Excellent

'He will ask you to do many more ugly things' - maybe, 'He will make you do more ugly things', as I don't think the kid has a choice.

Very skilful LACK of boring, 'he said/she said' speech tags, as you make it obvious who is talking, and this makes for a much faster pace.

Excellent turn of the abused ghost, at the end.

Good luck and best wishes, Ray.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

Thank you . I love the edit. I struggled with that line. I agree, the child will not have a choice. I appreciate you.

Comment from Kooky Clown

Exceptional

A deserved six I thought this was a really clever and good read and it had me transfixed right to the last line very clever the suspense was just right and so was the build up. Well done.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

thank you so much. With the contest limit of only five hundred words it was a real challenge. Again thank you so much for the stars.

Comment from Ginger Banks

Good

YUCK, gives me the "willys", but I suppose that's the who purpose. Nice story line and plot, not atypical of today's kind of writing. There were several SPAGS in the three sentences listed below.
SPAGS -
""Yes, you weren't suppose(d) to be at the park. You were suppose(d) to stay home."
"to do more ugly(uglier) things He(he) will promise you you(you will see) will see your"
"roll over on his left hand.( need space ) The gun will fall."



This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

thank you, I love corrections . I will correct them right away.

reply by Ginger Banks on 06-Jul-2016

You're most welcome.

Comment from wilkswrites

Excellent

OH MY GOD!!! Your story was short and filled with mystery and intrigue, danger, suspense -- all of that. OMG!!! My only regret was that there wasn't more to read. Am I understanding correctly that Mike is a ghost?

Your writing in clean and clear and easy to see. I would love to read more.

Thank you for that.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

Yes, Mike was a ghost. The contest only allowed five hundred words so it had to be short. Thank you for the kind review.

Comment from djsaxon

Exceptional

Bloody hell! This ain't general Fiction. It's Horror. Gotta give this a six pack, if for no other reason than what it did to my head. The children are totally believable. Dialogue is strong throughout and moves the vignette along to its awful conclusion. You convey such a wealth of image within a short write that leaves the reader breathless. Great spacing that allows the work to breathe. DJ

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

The contest only allowed five hundred words so it was a real challenge to write. It actually scared me too. Thank you so much for the great review.