Mike (Flash fiction, 483 words)
One boy saves the life of another31 total reviews
Comment from light
Certainly an ugly event, but probably more truth than fiction. Thi was well written and kept me intrigued to the end, Good flash fiction.
Elaine
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Certainly an ugly event, but probably more truth than fiction. Thi was well written and kept me intrigued to the end, Good flash fiction.
Elaine
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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thank you so much. I think flash fiction is a real challenge to learn how to do.
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
The spirit of Mike saved this little boy by teaching him what to do to escape. An excellent dialogue story to tell us of Mike. The end was shocking when the police found the bones of Mike, who had been there for 10 years.
Well written and an excellent contest entry to which I wish you well,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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The spirit of Mike saved this little boy by teaching him what to do to escape. An excellent dialogue story to tell us of Mike. The end was shocking when the police found the bones of Mike, who had been there for 10 years.
Well written and an excellent contest entry to which I wish you well,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, i wanted the spirit of the boy to save the other. Thank you.
Comment from roseworker
By the time I reached the end of this piece I realized the theme was grisly and offensive. Yet I can't fault the intent or the talent of the writer. The piece is well written and it's a very compelling read. Good job! Kitty/roseworker
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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By the time I reached the end of this piece I realized the theme was grisly and offensive. Yet I can't fault the intent or the talent of the writer. The piece is well written and it's a very compelling read. Good job! Kitty/roseworker
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Thank you, the subject is awful, hurtful and something we do not want to talk about. Thank you for your kind review
Comment from foxangie123
A very well told story but how awful freaking people are. A great story as entry to the prompt indeed. This is first in my book.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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A very well told story but how awful freaking people are. A great story as entry to the prompt indeed. This is first in my book.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, It is such a terrible subject. yet it happens. thank you fo r reading it.
Comment from Spitfire
Wonderful use of the supernatural. The plot sounded like something that the TV series Criminal Minds would show; I personally would have made the bones about eight years old because of the small lessons he teaches the boy.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Wonderful use of the supernatural. The plot sounded like something that the TV series Criminal Minds would show; I personally would have made the bones about eight years old because of the small lessons he teaches the boy.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Oh, now I see what i did wrong. I meant that the bones had been there for four years. I wasn't clear. Mike earlier states that he was nine when he got there. I see how that could be confusing. I will fix it. That is why we need reviews thank you so much.
Comment from cterp
This is chilling, but I had to read it three or four times before it became clear what the author was saying, because the last line was unclear (I kept thinking that Mike was four years old). In this case, brevity did not help.
The ending as written is elegant, but confused me. A few extra words would solve it. The author had 21 words left to play with, and could have been clearer that Mike was just skeleton remains.
Given that Mike was a skeleton, this brings up the question of POV: there are a few places in the story where POV switches to "Mike's" POV, which the author has made impossible. It would be easy to write those spots out ("The light left the vent," for instance.)
chris
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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This is chilling, but I had to read it three or four times before it became clear what the author was saying, because the last line was unclear (I kept thinking that Mike was four years old). In this case, brevity did not help.
The ending as written is elegant, but confused me. A few extra words would solve it. The author had 21 words left to play with, and could have been clearer that Mike was just skeleton remains.
Given that Mike was a skeleton, this brings up the question of POV: there are a few places in the story where POV switches to "Mike's" POV, which the author has made impossible. It would be easy to write those spots out ("The light left the vent," for instance.)
chris
Comment Written 07-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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Thank you for your review .I truly take your words to heart. What is Pov? Mike was a ghost who helped the boy escape.that is why you hear him talk
.sorry I confused you .
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POV= point of view
OK, if we assume Mike is a ghost, I can go with that. I'm so literal.
Comment from fimarie78
Very well written with a super twist at the end. You painted the characters well. I wonder if it should read supposed instead of suppose, but perhaps you mean it this way for authentic dialogue.
best of luck in the contest
Fiona
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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Very well written with a super twist at the end. You painted the characters well. I wonder if it should read supposed instead of suppose, but perhaps you mean it this way for authentic dialogue.
best of luck in the contest
Fiona
Comment Written 07-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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I think you are probably right, it should be supposed. I will go change it. Thank you so much.
Comment from teols2016
A powerful story with a tragic twist ending...not bad with this word limit. I enjoyed reading this. Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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A powerful story with a tragic twist ending...not bad with this word limit. I enjoyed reading this. Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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thank you so much. I am beginning to enjoy flash fiction, but it is tough to tell a story in five hundred words. It really makes you think.
Comment from TKField
This was really a quite shocking story with a surprise ending. It was hard to figure out what was going on at first but came together in the end. Kind of a modern horror story right out of today's headlines. Very well written and terrifying but least a happy ending. A real ghost story.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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This was really a quite shocking story with a surprise ending. It was hard to figure out what was going on at first but came together in the end. Kind of a modern horror story right out of today's headlines. Very well written and terrifying but least a happy ending. A real ghost story.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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thank you so much. I am glad you liked the ending. I am beginning to love flash fiction. It is very challenging.
Comment from Marvin Calloway
This was a nice, easy read. I like the way it started in the middle. It held my interest all the way to end.
A clearly described premise.
A typo:"It will be okay." (T)here . . .
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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This was a nice, easy read. I like the way it started in the middle. It held my interest all the way to end.
A clearly described premise.
A typo:"It will be okay." (T)here . . .
Comment Written 07-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2016
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thank you so much. I am truly beginning to enjoy flash fiction. It is such a challenge. thank you for the typo catch. On my way to fix it.
