Mike (Flash fiction, 483 words)
One boy saves the life of another31 total reviews
Comment from schatzling
This is another one of your writings that I wish would go on and on....an entire book's worth (smile) instead of flash fiction. Nevertheless, I have noticed your flash fiction is getting better with each writing.
This one especially was well written and had me intrigued the entire length of the story.
Thanks so much for sharing. It was an excellent submission for this particular contest. Even though we try not to talk about it, IT IS the reality of life. I know exactly what this abuse is all about. It hits close to home....my home....my past home....but no one taught me how to get away. Am glad this little boy had Mike
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2016
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This is another one of your writings that I wish would go on and on....an entire book's worth (smile) instead of flash fiction. Nevertheless, I have noticed your flash fiction is getting better with each writing.
This one especially was well written and had me intrigued the entire length of the story.
Thanks so much for sharing. It was an excellent submission for this particular contest. Even though we try not to talk about it, IT IS the reality of life. I know exactly what this abuse is all about. It hits close to home....my home....my past home....but no one taught me how to get away. Am glad this little boy had Mike
Comment Written 23-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2016
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Miss you. I am finally back
Comment from --Turtle.
This was a really great read, had me hooked and was tastefully done. I thought Mike was alive at first.
One thing you should fix... be aware of...
In dialogue, when someone is calling or a dressing another by name, the needs to be set off by a comma.
"I did it, Mike."
Even if you don't hear a pause, the comma signals that person is being talked to and not about.
Let's eat grandpa. = canibalism
Let's eat, grandpa. = suggestion to grandpa to eat.
A big difference even if it sounds the same.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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This was a really great read, had me hooked and was tastefully done. I thought Mike was alive at first.
One thing you should fix... be aware of...
In dialogue, when someone is calling or a dressing another by name, the needs to be set off by a comma.
"I did it, Mike."
Even if you don't hear a pause, the comma signals that person is being talked to and not about.
Let's eat grandpa. = canibalism
Let's eat, grandpa. = suggestion to grandpa to eat.
A big difference even if it sounds the same.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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LOVE your example. I will always love it and remember. I don't want anyone eating Grandpa. lol Thank you for a life time lesson.
Comment from Eric1
Hi Judy, this is a really good entry for this particular competition, it really did have me on the edge of my seat throughout, then that ending, wow! I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Hi Judy, this is a really good entry for this particular competition, it really did have me on the edge of my seat throughout, then that ending, wow! I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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thank you so much. I am starting to truly love flash fiction. It makes you think about every word.
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You are most welcome my friend.
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
An ugly story nicely told! Precise and clean, told in the voice of the children. The anonymity of no names makes the reader feel desperate to help, so that the child does not disappear. Well done in so few words.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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An ugly story nicely told! Precise and clean, told in the voice of the children. The anonymity of no names makes the reader feel desperate to help, so that the child does not disappear. Well done in so few words.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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Thank you, it was such an interesting challenge. Flash fiction really makes you think.
Comment from Day Z Chayn
Four years is a long time to be dead, especially when the supporting protagonist of this flash-fiction adventure appears to be a ghost. Four years is a long time for a ghost to obtain vengeance in this manner, but it was hopeful that such a character ought obtain comeuppance by such roundabout means.
Reminiscent of o few of the stories written by Fredric Brown (died 1972) who ordinarily dabbled in science fiction as a short story writer. Also this makes me think of 'the face on the milk carton' suspense scenario, but what you accomplish here is established with more finesse than an ordinary weekly television suspense drama.
Ever grateful,
Shane
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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Four years is a long time to be dead, especially when the supporting protagonist of this flash-fiction adventure appears to be a ghost. Four years is a long time for a ghost to obtain vengeance in this manner, but it was hopeful that such a character ought obtain comeuppance by such roundabout means.
Reminiscent of o few of the stories written by Fredric Brown (died 1972) who ordinarily dabbled in science fiction as a short story writer. Also this makes me think of 'the face on the milk carton' suspense scenario, but what you accomplish here is established with more finesse than an ordinary weekly television suspense drama.
Ever grateful,
Shane
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. You made my day. I will have to look up Fredric Brown.
Comment from papa55mike
That is awesome, I love the twist then twist again. Beautifully written with terrific dialog. There's seems to be a flood of these types of stories and I've read several but this one is the best. Great job. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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That is awesome, I love the twist then twist again. Beautifully written with terrific dialog. There's seems to be a flood of these types of stories and I've read several but this one is the best. Great job. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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thank you so much. I am truly starting to like flash fiction. It teaches you to be precise.
Comment from mfowler
Excellent flash, and a very original plot. The creep keeps kids locked away and when Mike's alone he finds a fellow victim. Coached on how to hurt the creep when he plays his evil games, Mike manges to carry out his new friend's tactics perfectly. On return to the house with help, the remains of his dead friend are found. The ghost of the previous victim is a brilliant twist inthe tail of this story. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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Excellent flash, and a very original plot. The creep keeps kids locked away and when Mike's alone he finds a fellow victim. Coached on how to hurt the creep when he plays his evil games, Mike manges to carry out his new friend's tactics perfectly. On return to the house with help, the remains of his dead friend are found. The ghost of the previous victim is a brilliant twist inthe tail of this story. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I am really beginning to love flash fiction. It is hard to get your thoughts across so fast but it is great training in learning how to tell a story.
Comment from Mabaker
Oh, wow. That hit the spot (not the bullet.) Very well written indeed on a filthy topic. How scared kids in those situations must be and how depraved the arseholes that lie to them must be. How could an adult male hurt a nine-year-old boy. Castration would be a good punishment. So he could remember what he once could do but now can't. Regards Mabaker
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Oh, wow. That hit the spot (not the bullet.) Very well written indeed on a filthy topic. How scared kids in those situations must be and how depraved the arseholes that lie to them must be. How could an adult male hurt a nine-year-old boy. Castration would be a good punishment. So he could remember what he once could do but now can't. Regards Mabaker
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
Comment from Margaret Ford
Hi, Judy. This is good flash fiction, and you certainly fulfilled the 'kidnapped" prompt perfectly. You put quite a twist at the end, one that I didn't see coming. You didn't 'telegraph' that ending at all (as so many authors and TV writers, and movie directors do). Congratulations! This was an excellent read. Margaret
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Hi, Judy. This is good flash fiction, and you certainly fulfilled the 'kidnapped" prompt perfectly. You put quite a twist at the end, one that I didn't see coming. You didn't 'telegraph' that ending at all (as so many authors and TV writers, and movie directors do). Congratulations! This was an excellent read. Margaret
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
Comment from seaglass
This is a super good story and if I had a six I would give it. It is disturbing to think of the children who experience this abuse from monsters but it is part of the dark side of reality.
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This is a super good story and if I had a six I would give it. It is disturbing to think of the children who experience this abuse from monsters but it is part of the dark side of reality.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
