Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

Seems "Michael" wanted things one way and she wanted them another.

Best thing for her to do is dunk the contents of her drink over his head and move on.

Even that is too good for him!

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Yeah, I know. He turned out to be a complete cheat. All the best. Ulla:))

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Ulla,

Quite a good piece here for this week's challenge.

It was quite telegraphed as you made it very obvious they were in a gay / bi bar at the beginning, so the ending fell a little flat. This was coupled with the over-emphasis on the thigh in the final paragraph.

"Airline, if you must know, but right now I'm more interested in getting my drinks. - need closing speech marks here.

and stopped in her tracts - tracks.

All the best
G

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Hi there I'm sorry you didn't like it. Wrote the best I could in the shortest time possible. Ach well, can't win them all. Made the changes. All best. Ulla:))

Comment from jpduck

Excellent

Wonderful twist in the tail. But flash fiction, as well as being short, should use short, stark sentences, with all but words essential to the story cut out.

Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):

'Could be misunderstood *--* what you're saying here.'

'In [the] *my* line of work [I am]'

'Now, three years later, Mary was *as* happy as ever'

'she made her way up to first class [not capable] *unable* to wait any longer'


Adrian

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Hi Adrian, thanks a lot for a great review as always. I have made the corrections, but also made other edits as you suggested. In other words, tightened it up. You are so right. Not to make excuses, but I wrote this in half an hour flat when I came back home late. That is the whole idea of the challenge. It's good fun. Thanks again for helping me out. All the best. Ulla:)))

Comment from Ric Myworld

Excellent

Oops, it would be my guess that this isn't one of those surprises that brings a smile to a face. At least for the perfect first learning of the surprise. Great job. :-)

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Hi Ric, thanks again for a great review. I'm so glad that you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))

Comment from MTF1955

Excellent

Nice job. Some how I suspected he was leading a double life. What a shock for her that he swung both ways. Nice job with this flash fiction story. Mary

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thank you so much. Really appreciated. All the best. Ulla:))

Comment from Kay521

Good

This is well written and held my interest quite nicely! However, the last couple sentences confused me a bit. I'm wondering if maybe there is a better way of writing it? Perhaps something more like 'There was Michael, her Michael, with his muscular hands she knew so well. Problem was, one of those familiar hands was on another's thigh... the thigh of the man sitting next to him.' I'm just throwing a thought out there! Overall this is great work!

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thanks for your comments. Ulla;)

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

It sounds like she met him in a gay bar.
And now she's learned he's bi-sexual.
Will she confront her competition?
I'd sure like to read some more, after she gets over the shock of being cheated on, of course.

Good write. Great twist ending.

:) e

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thanks a lot, Ellen, Glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi, Ulla

= Oops! That Michael, the devil.
= Excellent story for the challenge.
= The abstract artwork was a super choice.

= Saw some comma issues.
= Also, don't forget, replacing =and= with a =comma= makes for a smoother.
= Watch your excess/fluff verbiage too.

****** HAPPY & SAFE 4TH of JULY--2016 ******

(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Hi Jax, thanks a lot. I have made some edits to it. After all I wrote it in less than half an hour after coming home late last night. I hope you'll continue helping me out. I so appreciate it and learn a lot from it. All the best. Ulla:)))

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

She's so disappointed. But it happens. Probably worse than cheating with a woman, since she can't compete with a man. Good story, well written. :)

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Hi Phyllis. Thanks so much. You can't compete with a man! So right. All the best. Ulla:)))

Comment from Gloria ....

Excellent

Excellent bit of misdirection with your flash fiction, Ulla. The setting is well defined, the conflict while subtle is present in an underlying theme of tension. Your ending quite a surprise for Mary to learn her husband is bisexual.

Great job and an excellent offering to the Potlatch. :))

Gloria

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thanks a lot, Gloria. So glad you liked it. I think this is great fun. I'm now off to read all the entries. So see you there. All the best. Ulla:))