Comment from strandregs

Exceptional

I found the story and ending rewarding happy funny and bizzare.
a wonderful combination . well written.
unexpected .
red don't let the rifraff make you blue.
:-))Z.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016

Thanks very much for reading and reviewing. There is an art to telling a real story in five hundred words, and I hope to learn a little of it. Your six stars sure make my day!

reply by strandregs on 06-Jul-2016

in my book you are already a master.

Comment from F. Wehr3

Excellent

Pretty darn unlikely if ya ask me. I enjoyed your tale. I know you said you had to chop down parts of this to make it fit, but I would recommend chopping the front half down and expanding on last portion with Katie. You can still keep it clean and suggestive, but offer a little more movement from Katie and Toad.

I found a couple of things for your consideration.

"Got a grave needs digging. In the big middle of the Old Sideroad Baptist Cemetery.-- suggest combining these two into one sentence. I know it's dialogue, but the second part is incomplete.

If I'm gonna swing a mattock this week it's gonna be in the middle of the night-- I suggest a comma after week. This is because "if' introduces a conditional/dependent clause.

I used the dig 'em truck and hauled the tools out to backwoods Sideroad Church, and hooked up a 1000 watt quartz floodlight and a box fan to the portable generator up on a high, lonesome hill.-- suggest deleting and before hooked and change to hooking. The last part is not a complete sentence.

I shook off them blues and took a sip of Jack D. to steady my digging hand, and went to work.-- suggest deleting the comma before and.

Overall, very good job! I hope this is helpful to you.

Take care,
Russell

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2016

I picked out local folk and made them talk in my head, and sometimes it was anything but grammatical. And Katie was the twist at the end. I am sure you are right about the commas. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

Comment from Lovinia

Excellent

Hi LIJ

Well I think you may win the prize for the most un;likely of places ... hahahha! Completely entertaining as you fast track through what may have been an enthralling saga. Love your descriptions and characters, you have captivated the reader with clever nuance. You made the dialogue realistic, quite a contrast, a smooth tongued lawyer and a down on his luck, drinkin' man and grave digger ... well I'm not sure I'de get excited about the venue ... but it certainly made for an interesting twist. "Hugged her hams", "Hell's pecker", "upskirt peek", "That first sweet silver blur appeared over the jagged hills to the east" ... some great phrasing very much in the tone of your story. Well done. I've enjoyed. Hugs - Lovi xoxo

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2016

Thank you very much. Cutting it back from near seven hundred words to five hundred took longer than writing it, and didn't improve it much, in my opinion. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

reply by Lovinia on 06-Jul-2016

Hi LIJ

Perhaps you can post a longer story using what you cut back, a number of your reviewers said they would like to know more about your characters. Mine only took 352 words or so, I was thinking I had to extend it to five hundred, then I thought it might become boring. My pleasure, I enjoyed your story. Hugs - Lovi xoxo

Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

Love does find the strangest places to happen as this story depicts.

Passions can not always be denied even though they occur in the "most unlikely of places".

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2016

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. Yes, that potlatch prompt was fairly easy to find a storyline for.

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

Between the 'hard-assed digging' and the 'friggin hat' Katie wore your language gives us a good picture of Toad digging this grave, well, until Katie showed up. Good ending twist, great read.
cheers,

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2016

Ragged carpenter jeans, shirt with sleeves ripped off, sneakers in ruins...hopefully Toad was just waiting for the right angel to guide him out of the slump he was in. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

Comment from michaelcahill

Excellent

A totally believable story. Truly authentic dialogue and characters. I thought it was pretty sensuous the way they finally hooked up together. You led up to it slowly with subtlety, but I think the reader could feel it coming. These exercises are producing a nice sock pile of characters for future use I think. I'd like to know more about these folks. Great work. mikey

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thanks very much for reading and reviewing this. I was a bit uneasy...it seemed more complete with about six hundred words. But if the story came through, less is better....

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Excellent

A most interesting story here, my friend. What a place for love. Definitely unlikely I would say. I think you have succeeded at the challenge with the surprise ending. Good write, my friend~Debbie

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

I think the story was clearer with six hundred words, but I edited it down to five...thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hahaha, yeah, that is for sure an unlikely place. I really liked this story. It had a very good pace that led to the climax, (no pun intended) of the story. All the best. Ulla:))

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

May not last, from prosperous lawyer to gravedigging wino is some jump. I may have had Tom T. Hall's Ballad of Forty Dollars in my subconscious here...thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

There's nothing like making love in the freshly dug grave of a family member. I guess, true love does surpass even this unlikely tryst.
Way to go, LIJ Red. I had no idea this was coming.

I liked your character's accent and colloquial phrasing. For example: ' Hell's pecker, she was pretty, even though bearing down on forty.; and 'I hugged her hams ...

Most enjoyable Flash.

:) e

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thanks very much for reading and reviewing, glad you enjoyed the read.

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

Well, anything with the word "grave" in it, I'm obviously going to read, Red.

The Katie who made me dig graves in the night with a shovel, craving liquor, and probably didn't even know it.

I shook off them blues and took a sip of Jack D. to steady my digging hand, and went to work. ... I think it would drive me to drinkin' too if I had to dig graves for a living.
On second thought...

Hell's pecker, she was pretty, even though bearing down on forty. ... "Hell's pecker..." I can honestly say unabashedly that this is the first time I've ever heard of or read that expression before. Did you make it up, Red, or is it a Georgia thang?

I hugged her hams and she slid down me and we stood nose to nose in her grandpa's grave.

In the most unlikely of places, love was resurrected. ... It's been said that for some women, the pheromones put off by male sweat acts like an aphrodisiac, attracting them. I guess damn near forty-year-old Katie was one of 'em.

Clever title, considering the setting, and a well written story too, Red.
~Dean

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

In the well-known but bogus congressional speech against changing the name of Arkansas(Google it if you ain't read it) one old version has Hell's Pecker, no! instead of Hell,fire, no. It also has a line about having a root like a roastingear. I borrowed, as I often do.
You know my usual complaint: it's all been said, whatever you say, you're aping somebody.
Thanks very much for reading and reviewing, Dean.

reply by Dean Kuch on 04-Jul-2016

Oh, of course--we all ape someone, sometime, from somewhere.
I was just curious as to whether it was your own phrase or not. I think it's hilarious.
You're welcome, Ellijay.
~Dean :}