Silence on Patmos
Sonnetino suite10 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Your double sonnetino is well done with good rhyme and meter throughout. I like them both and they fit nicely together in my opinion. Well written, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Your double sonnetino is well done with good rhyme and meter throughout. I like them both and they fit nicely together in my opinion. Well written, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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The meter was a battle in this one. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
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Meter is always a battle for me, LOL~Debbie
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Morning, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your Sonnetino suite this morning. The theme is superb and the closing couplet in the second poem is excellent.
The iambics are spot-on, enhanced by enjambment. I felt the trocahcic metrical substation was superb in S1-L5. It's adds emphasis and is seamlessly incorporated into the iambics preceding and succeeding it.
The end rhymes are strong and compliant in the tercet in the first Sonnetino and in all of the second one. The bb rhyme pattern in the first poem's couplet is non-complaint with the metrical form. Gone and alone are not rhymes. Gone has two pronunciations options, both of which are short 'o' vowel sounds. Alone has the long 'o' vowel sounds. In essence, the two words are 'eye rhymes'.
I believe some additional punctuation may help improve your poem. I've noted suggestions in [ ] within the lines of the poems.
No jot or tittle would be lost He said[,]
and He'd be back before they were all dead
and wicked beasts from depths came spreading dread.
So many centuries have come and gone[,]
now we wonder why we're left all alone.
The cosmos spreads without an end in sight[-]
the chaos of Bang then "Let there be light."
d[D]ark matter linked somehow to wrong and right?
Does Earth belong to Yahweh's chosen race[,]
and nothing waits out there but crud and space?
An excellent poem.
Ray
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Good Morning, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your Sonnetino suite this morning. The theme is superb and the closing couplet in the second poem is excellent.
The iambics are spot-on, enhanced by enjambment. I felt the trocahcic metrical substation was superb in S1-L5. It's adds emphasis and is seamlessly incorporated into the iambics preceding and succeeding it.
The end rhymes are strong and compliant in the tercet in the first Sonnetino and in all of the second one. The bb rhyme pattern in the first poem's couplet is non-complaint with the metrical form. Gone and alone are not rhymes. Gone has two pronunciations options, both of which are short 'o' vowel sounds. Alone has the long 'o' vowel sounds. In essence, the two words are 'eye rhymes'.
I believe some additional punctuation may help improve your poem. I've noted suggestions in [ ] within the lines of the poems.
No jot or tittle would be lost He said[,]
and He'd be back before they were all dead
and wicked beasts from depths came spreading dread.
So many centuries have come and gone[,]
now we wonder why we're left all alone.
The cosmos spreads without an end in sight[-]
the chaos of Bang then "Let there be light."
d[D]ark matter linked somehow to wrong and right?
Does Earth belong to Yahweh's chosen race[,]
and nothing waits out there but crud and space?
An excellent poem.
Ray
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Back hyar in th' hills gone don't rhyme with don, but moan... I was in a hurry and forgot...oh, well,
potlatch losers get off with a few lashes, I hope...thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Pantygynt
This has a nice iambic rhythm to it until the last line where the natural rhythm of speech gets across the meter.
"And now we wonder why we're left alone" would seem to me to match the natural stresses to the metrical requirement somewhat better.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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This has a nice iambic rhythm to it until the last line where the natural rhythm of speech gets across the meter.
"And now we wonder why we're left alone" would seem to me to match the natural stresses to the metrical requirement somewhat better.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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A six from a well-known poet...my day is made. I always thought sacrificing meter for message was
making excuses, but rushing for the challenge entails compromises for one who made his living by his eyes and muscles, and never thought of creating poetry...thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Joan E.
I enjoyed your selection of the Sonnetino as your vehicle. Your rhymes are quite effective, and your conjuring the "cosmos" plus your question are thought provoking. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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I enjoyed your selection of the Sonnetino as your vehicle. Your rhymes are quite effective, and your conjuring the "cosmos" plus your question are thought provoking. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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I read all those articles, like the accelerating expansion of the universe due to dark energy, then I sit in church meditating the ramifications of it all...
Comment from Pearl Edwards
A good 'promise' challenge sonnetino, though the second is an afterthought the two go well together. The problem for our world today methinks is everyone thinks they are right. It maybe the way I would say it but for me -on- and -alone- aren't a good rhyme, but no matter.
cheers,
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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A good 'promise' challenge sonnetino, though the second is an afterthought the two go well together. The problem for our world today methinks is everyone thinks they are right. It maybe the way I would say it but for me -on- and -alone- aren't a good rhyme, but no matter.
cheers,
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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That's the clearest statement of regional dialect I've blundered into-here in the hills on and alone are a hard, exact rhyme. I imagine you say on as in don. Interesting. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
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Sometimes our differing pronunciations can make such a difference,
Comment from country ranch writer
not much on stuff like this but it seems to me things are not as they seem with all this turmoil going on and loosing fast he must get a grasp before it is too late.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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not much on stuff like this but it seems to me things are not as they seem with all this turmoil going on and loosing fast he must get a grasp before it is too late.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Partly I wonder if the world will end in my lifetime, partly I am amazed at the wild ideas the scientists have. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
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scientists haven't got a clue what ails them anymore they are just exploiting one thing onto another to try to do something right for achange
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scientists haven't got a clue what ails them anymore they are just exploiting one thing onto another to try to do something right for achange
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scientists haven't got a clue what ails them anymore they are just exploiting one thing onto another to try to do something right for achange
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scientists haven't got a clue what ails them anymore they are just exploiting one thing onto another to try to do something right for achange
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scientists haven't got a clue what ails them anymore they are just exploiting one thing onto another to try to do something right for achange
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scientists haven't got a clue what ails them anymore they are just exploiting one thing onto another to try to do something right for achange
Comment from nancyjam
I enjoyed your Sonnetino of God's promise. I'm
sure it's about the only one we can count on.
Your meter is off a little in laces.
line three could be fixed this way: Just a suggestion:
- / - / - / - / - / (Iambic meter)
and beasts would rise and spread their woe and dread.
Each line should follow this pattern of unaccented/accented syllables.
Hope that helps.
Nancy
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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I enjoyed your Sonnetino of God's promise. I'm
sure it's about the only one we can count on.
Your meter is off a little in laces.
line three could be fixed this way: Just a suggestion:
- / - / - / - / - / (Iambic meter)
and beasts would rise and spread their woe and dread.
Each line should follow this pattern of unaccented/accented syllables.
Hope that helps.
Nancy
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing, anything written fast-by me-needs much polishing.
Generally not worth the effort, but interesting...
Comment from coraly1
Thought provoking words. You ask the most profound questions in a most concise way. Capitalisation is questionable in a few places, 'Beasts' and We in the second verse and Or in the third. I say questionable because I have a problem with getting this right myself, so you may want to enlighten me.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thought provoking words. You ask the most profound questions in a most concise way. Capitalisation is questionable in a few places, 'Beasts' and We in the second verse and Or in the third. I say questionable because I have a problem with getting this right myself, so you may want to enlighten me.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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I don't think any of those should be capitalized, actually. I will change it. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A great Sonnetino on the promise of God. That is the only promise we can be certain of to be fulfilled. Not in our time but in God's time.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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A great Sonnetino on the promise of God. That is the only promise we can be certain of to be fulfilled. Not in our time but in God's time.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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I've known devout old preachers who were actually impatient for the End of The Age, hoping they'd get to see it with their physical eyes. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Gloria ....
Very cool sonnetino suite, Ellijay. I love your complex mindset. And you ask a very important question too. Maybe there is nothing out there but space.
Couple of points to align this beauty to perfection.
Line two has only 9 syllables and the third line needs a little metric tweak by the introduction of an unstressed syllable at the start such as, as evil beasts rise spreading woe and dread.
Terrific job with your offering to the Potlatch. Jyoti is going to be thrilled with all the exceptional offerings.
Love it.
Gloria
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Very cool sonnetino suite, Ellijay. I love your complex mindset. And you ask a very important question too. Maybe there is nothing out there but space.
Couple of points to align this beauty to perfection.
Line two has only 9 syllables and the third line needs a little metric tweak by the introduction of an unstressed syllable at the start such as, as evil beasts rise spreading woe and dread.
Terrific job with your offering to the Potlatch. Jyoti is going to be thrilled with all the exceptional offerings.
Love it.
Gloria
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing, Gloria. I'll tweak a bit...
