Goodbye
Poetry Potlatch/Sonnetino12 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is your own declaration of independence. I did the same thing a few months ago and am so glad I did. You have said so much in these 5 lines. Good work, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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This is your own declaration of independence. I did the same thing a few months ago and am so glad I did. You have said so much in these 5 lines. Good work, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Thanks debbie!!! You go girl!
Comment from JennaG
I love the feeling of this piece, especially in the last two lines. So much strength, confidence, and resolve to find a genuine true love after having been hurt before. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing. :)
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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I love the feeling of this piece, especially in the last two lines. So much strength, confidence, and resolve to find a genuine true love after having been hurt before. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing. :)
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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AWE thanks so much for the wonderful review!!!
Comment from MacMhuirich
Love the sentiment of your words, empty words, lies, not good for the relationship. Well written and it looks good, can't help with the technical aspects, sorry. Thank you for sharing.
Bless you
John
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Love the sentiment of your words, empty words, lies, not good for the relationship. Well written and it looks good, can't help with the technical aspects, sorry. Thank you for sharing.
Bless you
John
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Thanks John boy! lol I had to google all those words...tercet, couplet sonnetino...hahaha
Comment from Pantygynt
So much for promises made and broken. Your best lines are the final couplet because they are the only two that are properly iambic with that da dum rhythm. In lines 1,2 and 3 you have started on a stressed syllable a dum if you like. If you want some help with this I'll be happy to give it but with three out of five lines way out on on meter i cannot give it more than 4.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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So much for promises made and broken. Your best lines are the final couplet because they are the only two that are properly iambic with that da dum rhythm. In lines 1,2 and 3 you have started on a stressed syllable a dum if you like. If you want some help with this I'll be happy to give it but with three out of five lines way out on on meter i cannot give it more than 4.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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That's ok...I don't know about all that stuff....thanks for the review! much appreciated!!!
Comment from Ann Dudley Duncan
Hi Susan! You have done an amazing job on your rhythm! Everything
is perfectly timed. I'm very proud of you! How is Lily? Blessings!
Ann
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Hi Susan! You have done an amazing job on your rhythm! Everything
is perfectly timed. I'm very proud of you! How is Lily? Blessings!
Ann
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Ann!!!! Hi..missed you!!!! We are fine!!! crazy week for us....Lilly has big doctor appointment this Tuesday..I'll let you know!! hope all is well with you dear friend!!!! Wait! did you say my METER was good!!!!!! It's a miracle!!!!!!!!
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Let's keep the miracles for Lilly! Glad you are all
well, I'm doing okay and I'll survive love. Do take
care of that precious little angel, but then I know
you always will! Blessings!
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Morning, Susan,
I believe this is the first time I've read your work. I'm glad to have found it on the Potlatch listing page this morning. I enjoyed reading it and the theme you have chosen works well with the Challenge as well as speaks very poignantly to the reader.
The poem reads smoothly and the end-line rhymes are strong and compliant with the rhyme pattern requirements of the form.
My concern with the poem is it is not complaint with iambic meter requirements of the poetic form. The tercet has metrical problems in each of its lines; however, the couplet is written in perfect iambics. I have provided a scansion of the poem, at the end of this review, for you to see where I've found the meter is off.
Please let me know if you have questions. I'll be glad to help with with the iambics if you like. If you make edits to correct the meter, I'll be glad to return and review again.
Respectfully,
Ray
Born with an impossible tender heart
*born WITH an im POSS i BLE TEN der HEART
The iambics fall short in feet 2, 3 & 4.
Empty words, I should have seen from the start
*EMP ty WORDS, i SHOULD have SEEN from the START
This line is trochaic for feet 1, 2, 3and 4.
Leaving you behind! You've lost your cream tart
*LEAV ing YOU be HIND you've LOST your CREAM tart
This line is fully trochaic.
So take your lies, you won't be holding me
*This line is in perfect iambic pentameter.
I'll wait for my soul mate to set me free.
*Perfect iambics.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Good Morning, Susan,
I believe this is the first time I've read your work. I'm glad to have found it on the Potlatch listing page this morning. I enjoyed reading it and the theme you have chosen works well with the Challenge as well as speaks very poignantly to the reader.
The poem reads smoothly and the end-line rhymes are strong and compliant with the rhyme pattern requirements of the form.
My concern with the poem is it is not complaint with iambic meter requirements of the poetic form. The tercet has metrical problems in each of its lines; however, the couplet is written in perfect iambics. I have provided a scansion of the poem, at the end of this review, for you to see where I've found the meter is off.
Please let me know if you have questions. I'll be glad to help with with the iambics if you like. If you make edits to correct the meter, I'll be glad to return and review again.
Respectfully,
Ray
Born with an impossible tender heart
*born WITH an im POSS i BLE TEN der HEART
The iambics fall short in feet 2, 3 & 4.
Empty words, I should have seen from the start
*EMP ty WORDS, i SHOULD have SEEN from the START
This line is trochaic for feet 1, 2, 3and 4.
Leaving you behind! You've lost your cream tart
*LEAV ing YOU be HIND you've LOST your CREAM tart
This line is fully trochaic.
So take your lies, you won't be holding me
*This line is in perfect iambic pentameter.
I'll wait for my soul mate to set me free.
*Perfect iambics.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Hi Ray!! I have read your work!! Amazing!!...now me, well...I started writing 6 weeks ago....lots of thoughts...but huge fear of putting it to paper..(ADD, Dyslexic) ughhhh....anyway...I learned meter 4 weeks ago (I suck at it)....had to google tercet and couplet...heck! I've had to google everything on here!!! LOL BUT I love a challenge!!! and open to improvement!!! SO thank you for the most excellent review!!!!!.. Clearly, I'll have to re read several times...( not you, it's me) :-P I need to googlr TROCHAIC,,A new word!! Lord help me!!! :-)))))
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Hello, Susan,
Thanks for your very kind reply and comments. My goodness, if you've just started writing, you've done extremely well!. Good luck with your writing!
-Ray
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Love the gorgeous artwork you've used for this week's 'promise' Sonnetino. The butterflies are a perfect match for your opening line, and a good strong ending line as she waits for her soul mate. Good read,
cheers
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Love the gorgeous artwork you've used for this week's 'promise' Sonnetino. The butterflies are a perfect match for your opening line, and a good strong ending line as she waits for her soul mate. Good read,
cheers
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Aweee thanks!...I tried...new to all this!!! Thanks for reading and the great review!! Much appreciated!!!!
Comment from Gloria ....
Love this Susan. Your entire presentation is quite lovely. I guess some of those broken promises are pretty lousy and the poor sod lost his beautiful cream tart. The fool! LOL.
Great job with your sonnetino. I'm sure Jyoti will be thrilled to read all these totally awesome Potlatch entries. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Love this Susan. Your entire presentation is quite lovely. I guess some of those broken promises are pretty lousy and the poor sod lost his beautiful cream tart. The fool! LOL.
Great job with your sonnetino. I'm sure Jyoti will be thrilled to read all these totally awesome Potlatch entries. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Oh Gloria! Thank you for this awesome review!!! ..Very much appreciated!!!
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
I knew that I saved this last six star for a reason. Susan this exceptional. Starting with this gorgeous artwork that electrifies one's senses. Then your message of telling the loser, he lost! Can or does your soulmate captures your heart to make you feel free and loved again?
You are a certain magician with words. Have a good evening my friend,,,,,,,, Jimmy
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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I knew that I saved this last six star for a reason. Susan this exceptional. Starting with this gorgeous artwork that electrifies one's senses. Then your message of telling the loser, he lost! Can or does your soulmate captures your heart to make you feel free and loved again?
You are a certain magician with words. Have a good evening my friend,,,,,,,, Jimmy
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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For Goodness sake Jim! Your review is better than the poem!!! :-)...much appreciated...6 starts? you're too kind!!!! I believe soul mates can work miracles. All good.
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Thank you for the wonderful thoughtful review! :-)
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Always! Keep up the excellent writing. You are getting better with each poem!
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:-) Thanks!!!!
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is a really nice poem, it is well written and well presented. The words in your poem is something we can all identify with at some point in our lives. Hang on in there your soul mate will be worth the wait
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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This is a really nice poem, it is well written and well presented. The words in your poem is something we can all identify with at some point in our lives. Hang on in there your soul mate will be worth the wait
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Oh Thank you so much for the kind review!!!
