No Laughing Matter...
Prose Potlatch Challenge 26 June 201618 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
I noticed that you've an impressive array of badges and awards on your profile so though I'd take a look at your writing. Here are my thoughts on this piece:
Thirty years in the force, and I still hate the sound of the phone waking me at night. - A good first sentence; it places the reader in the scene.
If he had another brain it'd be lonely - Ha, ha :-)
I enter the shabby room. It's dank, has a single bed and small dresser. / In the bathroom I'm confronted by a comical sight. - I'm not sure of the continuity here. You enter the bedroom, describe it, then go to the bathroom? I think it would be much better to nix the first paragraph here and combine it with the one following from ...like a tub of jelly. Not a big issue, just a subjective choice of style.
The conclusion is not so much a twist as a gentle curling throughout the last half of this.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have a nice flowing writer's voice. I enjoyed reading it, but a much stronger twist would've really made it stand out. Nevertheless, it's a neatly crafted piece of flash fiction. Well done.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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I noticed that you've an impressive array of badges and awards on your profile so though I'd take a look at your writing. Here are my thoughts on this piece:
Thirty years in the force, and I still hate the sound of the phone waking me at night. - A good first sentence; it places the reader in the scene.
If he had another brain it'd be lonely - Ha, ha :-)
I enter the shabby room. It's dank, has a single bed and small dresser. / In the bathroom I'm confronted by a comical sight. - I'm not sure of the continuity here. You enter the bedroom, describe it, then go to the bathroom? I think it would be much better to nix the first paragraph here and combine it with the one following from ...like a tub of jelly. Not a big issue, just a subjective choice of style.
The conclusion is not so much a twist as a gentle curling throughout the last half of this.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have a nice flowing writer's voice. I enjoyed reading it, but a much stronger twist would've really made it stand out. Nevertheless, it's a neatly crafted piece of flash fiction. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Hi Alex, and thank you so much for your informative and constructive review on this rather 'old' piece. I must admit, poetry is my usual writing choice, but I do like tyo dabble in some short stories (and some biographical - I have one book published). But, having said that, I would love to improve on my essay/short story writing, and welcome your excellent feedback. I have been sick for the last couple of months, and have not posted anything. Back to my old self now, and will probably start again. Just looking for my muse at the moment. I have just finished reading 'The Cuckoo's Calling' by Robert Galbraith, and I must admit, every time I read books of this callibre it makes me very aware of my short-comings in this area. But... at least I will give it a go sometime. I'd like us to become fans, and hopefully we can support each other. Thanks again, Marijke :o)
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My pleasure :-)
Comment from michaelcahill
Finally made it. LOL
This was a scream and a half. Loved it. Jeesh, I should have guessed, I've had this stuff and you have it nailed. Too funny and on the money. Loved it. mikey
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Finally made it. LOL
This was a scream and a half. Loved it. Jeesh, I should have guessed, I've had this stuff and you have it nailed. Too funny and on the money. Loved it. mikey
Comment Written 29-Jun-2016
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Now this is funny with a twist. I enjoyed your story. The dialogue is what makes it so good. You did an excellent job with the prompt. Your lines flow smoothly with a great story [well, you told it great. I am not saying it is great because someone died].
I believe the line near the start should be:
Forensics [is] here. [forensics is the name of one group so it is singular with a singular verb].
Good job and thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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Now this is funny with a twist. I enjoyed your story. The dialogue is what makes it so good. You did an excellent job with the prompt. Your lines flow smoothly with a great story [well, you told it great. I am not saying it is great because someone died].
I believe the line near the start should be:
Forensics [is] here. [forensics is the name of one group so it is singular with a singular verb].
Good job and thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 29-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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Jan, thank you so much for your generous and kind review. I'm pleased you enjoyed. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Yea a good laughin' twist at the end of this murder.
A good sixties style write, and I love the rusty '55 VW, this guy reminded me a bit of Columbo. I enjoyed this light-hearted Prose for this week's challenge, well done.
cheers
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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Yea a good laughin' twist at the end of this murder.
A good sixties style write, and I love the rusty '55 VW, this guy reminded me a bit of Columbo. I enjoyed this light-hearted Prose for this week's challenge, well done.
cheers
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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Pearl, thank you so much for your generous and kind review. I'm pleased you enjoyed. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Ginger Banks
Quite the different story, I love the ending even though it's of course very sad that someone has died and in the way he did. I do have to stay I was smiling too at the end. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Quite the different story, I love the ending even though it's of course very sad that someone has died and in the way he did. I do have to stay I was smiling too at the end. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Ginger, thank you so much for these kind words and generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
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You're welcome.
Comment from jpduck
This is a great story, and I loved the sting in the tail. It was also great flash with its terse, bare-bones language -- until you got to the stuttering. Very funny, but I'm afraid that wrecks it as flash fiction.
'If he had another brain it'd be lonely!' (I loved this, but there should be a period after 'lonely', not an exclamation mark. The use of an exclamation mark is reserved for exclamations only -- eg commands 'Get out!' expression of strong feelings 'What an idea! How disgusting!' expressing a wish or feeling 'I'd love to fly! If only I'd realised!' Calling or shouting 'Jane!'. It should never be used to show humorous intent of a comment that might otherwise be seen as serious. There are several other examples of incorrect exclamation mark usage later in the story).
Adrian
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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This is a great story, and I loved the sting in the tail. It was also great flash with its terse, bare-bones language -- until you got to the stuttering. Very funny, but I'm afraid that wrecks it as flash fiction.
'If he had another brain it'd be lonely!' (I loved this, but there should be a period after 'lonely', not an exclamation mark. The use of an exclamation mark is reserved for exclamations only -- eg commands 'Get out!' expression of strong feelings 'What an idea! How disgusting!' expressing a wish or feeling 'I'd love to fly! If only I'd realised!' Calling or shouting 'Jane!'. It should never be used to show humorous intent of a comment that might otherwise be seen as serious. There are several other examples of incorrect exclamation mark usage later in the story).
Adrian
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Adrian, for your kind and generous review and advice about, what we here in Australia call, 'exclamation marks!. Sorry, couldn't resist that. I appreciate your advice, and have reviewed and removed some of them... I didn't realise how many I had used in this story. Never too old to learn... Thanks again and warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Joan E.
I admired your use of stacatto and realistic dialog and internal monologue, plus the out-of-control laughter in this Flash Fiction. "He drowned in his own laughter" is a choice ending! Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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I admired your use of stacatto and realistic dialog and internal monologue, plus the out-of-control laughter in this Flash Fiction. "He drowned in his own laughter" is a choice ending! Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Hi Joan, I'm pleased you enjoyed this silly little murder mystery... especially the stacatto dialogue and internal monologue. Thanks for your kind observations and review. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Marijke
= LOL! Cute story.
= It's amazing what our brains can come up with when allowed to run amuck.
= Challenge story has been met very well.
<> Did you mean to deliberately leave off the =e=
= A petty crim === OR crime?
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline = Jackie = Jax
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Hi, Marijke
= LOL! Cute story.
= It's amazing what our brains can come up with when allowed to run amuck.
= Challenge story has been met very well.
<> Did you mean to deliberately leave off the =e=
= A petty crim === OR crime?
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline = Jackie = Jax
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Yes, detective talk (I think).Crim or Perp, depends where it's made.
Thanks Jackie, for your review and generous rating... I'm pleased you enjoyed.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from MTF1955
That was great. I'm laughing also at the two numskulls. Laughing gas what a hoot. And I didn't see it coming. Great dialogue. mary
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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That was great. I'm laughing also at the two numskulls. Laughing gas what a hoot. And I didn't see it coming. Great dialogue. mary
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Thanks MTF1955, for your review and generous rating... I'm pleased you enjoyed.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from reconciled
this reminds me of a Quentin Tarantino flick or....some chick I used to know. -smile- haha....hello. I thought this very entertaining....sure wish I had friends like that. love to you Michael
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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this reminds me of a Quentin Tarantino flick or....some chick I used to know. -smile- haha....hello. I thought this very entertaining....sure wish I had friends like that. love to you Michael
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Thanks Michael, for your review and very generous six star rating... I'm pleased you enjoyed, and that I was able to entertain you.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
