I sang a simple, whispered note
Grief and its resolution: a glimpse of forever....27 total reviews
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Hi again, Hayley. This is wonderful, and I enjoyed it a great deal. My mother believed that my father came in one night in spirit form to reassure her that everything would be all right. It gave her great comfort. Very best for the competition, Giddy
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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Hi again, Hayley. This is wonderful, and I enjoyed it a great deal. My mother believed that my father came in one night in spirit form to reassure her that everything would be all right. It gave her great comfort. Very best for the competition, Giddy
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2016
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Thanks so much! It is very heartening to have such a good reception for my poetry. I only dabble a little now and then. Haven't written for a long time,which is why I joined. Thought it might motivate me ;) I am a novelist and sometimes think it is easier to write a novel or short story then fourteen simple lines for a sonnet!!!!
Comment from Tomas J Giron
Mr. Soloman you captured the Heart Room and decorated with Love tunes of your warbling as Mother's rivers wobbles in the cosmic sense of your attunement. It touches the inside of the outside of every thought where life deals with reality of the purest sweetest dreams and the honey of Love slowly leaking from the sacred silence of your essence. Really touched my mental voyage to the mechanics of poetry. JAG
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Mr. Soloman you captured the Heart Room and decorated with Love tunes of your warbling as Mother's rivers wobbles in the cosmic sense of your attunement. It touches the inside of the outside of every thought where life deals with reality of the purest sweetest dreams and the honey of Love slowly leaking from the sacred silence of your essence. Really touched my mental voyage to the mechanics of poetry. JAG
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Wow this is an awesome critique. Poetry for poetry! Lovely! Big, big smile!
Comment from tara-jade
I really enjoyed your poem. Whilst reading it I was thinking of a loved one that had past, I have felt and heard something of them after they had past on this poem reminded me of those times I did hear or feel that, thank you for a great reminder of a memory. Good work :)
I also like the rhyming in it too.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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I really enjoyed your poem. Whilst reading it I was thinking of a loved one that had past, I have felt and heard something of them after they had past on this poem reminded me of those times I did hear or feel that, thank you for a great reminder of a memory. Good work :)
I also like the rhyming in it too.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Tara-Jade, that was the idea. glad I achieved what I wanted. Love will never die. Its echo is eternal.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
As this is a contest entry, it needs to be reviewed in that context. You appear to have entered a poem here and the competition is for prose. If you check under the threads on the contest page you'll see the site states it is for prose.
As such this needs reworking to fit the entry criteria.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Hi there,
As this is a contest entry, it needs to be reviewed in that context. You appear to have entered a poem here and the competition is for prose. If you check under the threads on the contest page you'll see the site states it is for prose.
As such this needs reworking to fit the entry criteria.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2016
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Hi thanks for the heads up. I think it is a little ambiguous, and somewhere on the thread someone else thought poetry was acceptable. Certainly, it does not say prose in the original rules. Thankfully, however, I write primarily for myself. Winning on this site is not a huge motivator, although it would be pleasant. If I am disqualified I won't mind in the least!!!
Comment from rama devi
Beautiful. Exquisite. Tender and inspired. Almost a six but for one line, so I'm giving a six in spite of it.
What fantastic elevation of feeling conveyed in a unique and musical style. The abundant well timed rhymes punctuate the piece so perfectly. I've just two minor suggestions and all the rest is praise. I'll not take time to note every nuance because there are so many but just give a big standing ovation for all the poetic devices deftly woven in--alliteration, assonance, consonance, etc.
NOTES:
your opening line drew me right in. Poignant.
I love the flow and feel of this:
My whispered note, it echoed soft, sad and flat-forlorn,
A muted tone on passing breeze and sad,
how passing sad its form.
However, though it is obviously done as a device for effect, I do think there are too many sads in the above, and recommend replacing ONE of them with a simile (if you like the idea).
Love how this sounds like what it describes:
On bitter, keening notes.
The sounds, they hung on icy winds
Aloft, adrift, afloat.
SUPERB EPIPHANY STANZA:
But then the echoes . . .
around and abounding,
Reeling, ringing, calling, sounding . . .
They bounced on the breeze,
and battered, returned,
transposed, transmuted,
half sung and half learned.
My halting notes they lingered,
but their strident, bitter key
drifted softly into cadence
as your sweetness vanquished me.
The above made my hairs stand on end!
Love these lines too, but have one suggestion:
The rivers warble wet with song,
the grasses they sing your name,
suggest removing THEY from line two above. Sounds awkward read aloud.
This is utterly sweet:
I hear your echoes, sweetest heart,
in every rock and stone.
They're harmonies of purest peace
in symphonies full blown.
Wonderful phrasing:
will I splinter sound like silence's thief
and this too:
or wet -shed tears at grabbing grief
Grabbing grief--pitch perfect~
Love the closing note:
In melting into melody,
I've secret -- sung you
home.
Reading this aloud is tongue candy and resonates in the heart.
Kudos.
Impressive!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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Beautiful. Exquisite. Tender and inspired. Almost a six but for one line, so I'm giving a six in spite of it.
What fantastic elevation of feeling conveyed in a unique and musical style. The abundant well timed rhymes punctuate the piece so perfectly. I've just two minor suggestions and all the rest is praise. I'll not take time to note every nuance because there are so many but just give a big standing ovation for all the poetic devices deftly woven in--alliteration, assonance, consonance, etc.
NOTES:
your opening line drew me right in. Poignant.
I love the flow and feel of this:
My whispered note, it echoed soft, sad and flat-forlorn,
A muted tone on passing breeze and sad,
how passing sad its form.
However, though it is obviously done as a device for effect, I do think there are too many sads in the above, and recommend replacing ONE of them with a simile (if you like the idea).
Love how this sounds like what it describes:
On bitter, keening notes.
The sounds, they hung on icy winds
Aloft, adrift, afloat.
SUPERB EPIPHANY STANZA:
But then the echoes . . .
around and abounding,
Reeling, ringing, calling, sounding . . .
They bounced on the breeze,
and battered, returned,
transposed, transmuted,
half sung and half learned.
My halting notes they lingered,
but their strident, bitter key
drifted softly into cadence
as your sweetness vanquished me.
The above made my hairs stand on end!
Love these lines too, but have one suggestion:
The rivers warble wet with song,
the grasses they sing your name,
suggest removing THEY from line two above. Sounds awkward read aloud.
This is utterly sweet:
I hear your echoes, sweetest heart,
in every rock and stone.
They're harmonies of purest peace
in symphonies full blown.
Wonderful phrasing:
will I splinter sound like silence's thief
and this too:
or wet -shed tears at grabbing grief
Grabbing grief--pitch perfect~
Love the closing note:
In melting into melody,
I've secret -- sung you
home.
Reading this aloud is tongue candy and resonates in the heart.
Kudos.
Impressive!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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Rami, I squandered my excellent reviewers quota and am quite desperate to nominate you. If my share has bounced back in July I will certainly do so otherwise bide my time until I can. I am fortunate enough to be getting many very good reviews so it is not just the five stars, it is the utter excellence of your time, thought and very constructive suggestions. When you live with a poem, you often overlook the flaws. I agree 'they' is redundant and clumsy and will remove it immediately. Will think about sad. I did like it's echo, assonance and alliteration, but if I put my thinking cap on I might be able to come up with something with similar meaning and effect. (Unfortunately, I have not slept in three days so my brain is mush.) However, removing and is much easier!!!! Many thanks, Hayley
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Thanks for your super gracious response, Hayley, and for the nom, too, which did come through. :)
An alliterative synonym for sad could be sorry. example:
My whispered note, it echoed soft, sad and flat-forlorn,
A muted tone on passing breeze and sorry,
how passing sad its form.
Warmest Smiles, rd
PS Please get sleep! Take rest!
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PS Somber would also work...
Comment from thonnigford09
Original leaves one breathless. Unique and inspiring. I found nothing I would change and I liked the artwork chosen here! Wonderful. Nice work that I would recommend!! thonnigford09
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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Original leaves one breathless. Unique and inspiring. I found nothing I would change and I liked the artwork chosen here! Wonderful. Nice work that I would recommend!! thonnigford09
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much! I am really touched and very, very happy the poem resonated with you.
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Thanks!!!
Comment from Caperton Tissot
A beautiful metaphor for the clasping the memory of one who changed the writer's outlook. I find particularly touching the lines: Now, no more....
will I splinter sound like silence's thief
or wet -shed tears at grabbing grief
but rather . . .
I will ever sing your song. The poem recognizes nicely how when the right person comes along, it can change one's attitude about life.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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A beautiful metaphor for the clasping the memory of one who changed the writer's outlook. I find particularly touching the lines: Now, no more....
will I splinter sound like silence's thief
or wet -shed tears at grabbing grief
but rather . . .
I will ever sing your song. The poem recognizes nicely how when the right person comes along, it can change one's attitude about life.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much! I am very happy the poem resonated so well with you.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, again.
This is an absolutely beautiful free verse piece, right on theme for the 'what if' contest. May I suggest you add to your note and explain the 'what of' that was given, as some reviewers may not have seen it.
Are the first two lines, as shown, intended to be part of the poem, or are they an inadvertent repetition of the title and sub-title. I think your poem would start more strongly with the simple 'I sang...'
Lots of luscious sound effects here, assonance and the like. For example:
All, I fear, in minor key,
more mournful than before.
I sang my grief, my shattered dreams
On bitter, keening notes.
... and consonance here:
Aloft, adrift, afloat.
I'm not sure if you've come across a reviewer called Rama Devi yet. She is perhaps our top reviewer and always pays attention to the sounds of a piece - I'm sure she will like this.
Wonderful imagery as well. I'll pick out one or two...
I splinter sound like silence's thief
...
The rivers warble wet with song,
the grasses they sing your name,
in each mist there is a mention,
in each dawn - its oh, the same.
All in all, well worth the six stars, and certain to be a contender in the contest. Good luck.
Steve
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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Hi, again.
This is an absolutely beautiful free verse piece, right on theme for the 'what if' contest. May I suggest you add to your note and explain the 'what of' that was given, as some reviewers may not have seen it.
Are the first two lines, as shown, intended to be part of the poem, or are they an inadvertent repetition of the title and sub-title. I think your poem would start more strongly with the simple 'I sang...'
Lots of luscious sound effects here, assonance and the like. For example:
All, I fear, in minor key,
more mournful than before.
I sang my grief, my shattered dreams
On bitter, keening notes.
... and consonance here:
Aloft, adrift, afloat.
I'm not sure if you've come across a reviewer called Rama Devi yet. She is perhaps our top reviewer and always pays attention to the sounds of a piece - I'm sure she will like this.
Wonderful imagery as well. I'll pick out one or two...
I splinter sound like silence's thief
...
The rivers warble wet with song,
the grasses they sing your name,
in each mist there is a mention,
in each dawn - its oh, the same.
All in all, well worth the six stars, and certain to be a contender in the contest. Good luck.
Steve
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2016
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Hi again, Steve. Thanks so much, and you are on the button, Rami Devi wrote me the most brilliant, full length review that I wholeheartedly appreciated. Just as I very, very greatly appreciate yours. Yes ,you are completely right ,the first two lines are not the poem but the brief line of explanation. I am not sure how I achieved such a muddle!!!
As for explaining the what if... I might go back and change that when I am less sleepy. Haven't slept in about three days for more than two or three hours or so, so brain is mush, hence me taking so long to log in and respond to your lovely review. Thanks!
Comment from royowen
I think our connection of loved ones always seems to go beyond the physical, and enters the metaphysical, although the flesh does not connect easily, being on another plain. Well done, beautifully written, Hayley, your strategic touching on the musical connection with the movements of the spirit, and as a musician I associate with the music/love/rhythmic synergy. This is articulate, elegant language, silky smoothness, and great strategic rhyme, well done, good luck with this entry, blessings, Roy
Typo : Drifted softly into (into) cadence.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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I think our connection of loved ones always seems to go beyond the physical, and enters the metaphysical, although the flesh does not connect easily, being on another plain. Well done, beautifully written, Hayley, your strategic touching on the musical connection with the movements of the spirit, and as a musician I associate with the music/love/rhythmic synergy. This is articulate, elegant language, silky smoothness, and great strategic rhyme, well done, good luck with this entry, blessings, Roy
Typo : Drifted softly into (into) cadence.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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Thanks Roy. You are so delightful! Thanks for the correction. I have changed in poem.
Comment from OLA THOMAS
A nicely done muse, good composition with tinges of imagery and fine poetic phrases. I like the dance of some alliterations in your poem especially:
'splinter- sound-silence'
'grabbing-grief
but rather . . .
'sing-song'.
ola thomas
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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A nicely done muse, good composition with tinges of imagery and fine poetic phrases. I like the dance of some alliterations in your poem especially:
'splinter- sound-silence'
'grabbing-grief
but rather . . .
'sing-song'.
ola thomas
Comment Written 30-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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Thanks so much! So heartening! Much appreciated.
