Mom's a Killer
Potlatch Challenge #5 MURDER33 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Shari,
Great job with this well crafted flash fiction piece. Loved the double reveal at the end. good characterisation throughout within the economical word count.
Excellent stuff
G
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Hi Shari,
Great job with this well crafted flash fiction piece. Loved the double reveal at the end. good characterisation throughout within the economical word count.
Excellent stuff
G
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Thanks, G. I value your opinion.
Comment from barkingdog
F***, Mom was slaughtering ANIMALS for market.
You really had me convinced that she was killing people.
Telling it through the eyes of a child made this really chilling.
What a twist!
An after thought: The boy would have probably grown up to join PETA.
:) ellen xxx
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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F***, Mom was slaughtering ANIMALS for market.
You really had me convinced that she was killing people.
Telling it through the eyes of a child made this really chilling.
What a twist!
An after thought: The boy would have probably grown up to join PETA.
:) ellen xxx
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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That's so good to hear. I was sure the reader would guess long before the ending. Hence I added the last line for a double twist. Umm, we'll never know how the lad would have ended up.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
What an interesting approach to this prompt. Very imaginative. His mother ultimately caused his demise withouteven touching the knife. Good work, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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What an interesting approach to this prompt. Very imaginative. His mother ultimately caused his demise withouteven touching the knife. Good work, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Debbie. I like your perspective on this.
Comment from michaelcahill
Wow. This was a chilling little bit of flash. I'm wondering if it surprised you as much as it surprised me. A taught set up and word economy that should be in a textbook as an example. I've already copied it to word. You develop every character in the story clearly and this kid acted true to form I believe based on the circumstances you set up. That made this not only scary, but believable. Great work. mikey
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Wow. This was a chilling little bit of flash. I'm wondering if it surprised you as much as it surprised me. A taught set up and word economy that should be in a textbook as an example. I've already copied it to word. You develop every character in the story clearly and this kid acted true to form I believe based on the circumstances you set up. That made this not only scary, but believable. Great work. mikey
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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I never know where a story will go until it gets there. I had something else in mind, but Clinton took over. Thank you for the wonderful comments. One four star from a reader who didn't find the suicide believable. Funny, I thought I had made the reason clear. :-)
Comment from Unspoken94
I can see Dean writing something like this, but you? This
is amazing! What an incredible piece of imagination you
have put into story. You have indeed met the challenge. -Bill
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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I can see Dean writing something like this, but you? This
is amazing! What an incredible piece of imagination you
have put into story. You have indeed met the challenge. -Bill
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Bill. I surprised myself. I don't think Dean has reviewed it yet.
Comment from Jay Squires
You've got a morbid imagination for such a sweet thing. You had me wrapped in the process as you guided me, like a pig to the slaughter. I'm left after finishing the tale wondering what her relationship with her husband was. Clinton took it as rejection. That's the main thing.
As an eight year-old child he acted in character.
he watched a red bubble sprout and trickle down toward his foot. [good description here.]
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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You've got a morbid imagination for such a sweet thing. You had me wrapped in the process as you guided me, like a pig to the slaughter. I'm left after finishing the tale wondering what her relationship with her husband was. Clinton took it as rejection. That's the main thing.
As an eight year-old child he acted in character.
he watched a red bubble sprout and trickle down toward his foot. [good description here.]
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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I don't know where this came from. My first murder story. I just started writing with the thought of a cutter in mind. But my muse changed direction. Thanks ever so much for the fabulous six and the comment on my description. I'm glad to say this is a piece that isn't based on reality as in members of my family.
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That's good to know, Shari!
Comment from patcelaw
This is well written composition for the potlatch. The flash fiction at the end caught me quite off guard. May your week be filled to overflowing with blessings. Patricia
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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This is well written composition for the potlatch. The flash fiction at the end caught me quite off guard. May your week be filled to overflowing with blessings. Patricia
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Patricia. I was putting a twist on top of a twist, I hope.
Comment from LIJ Red
Was that Clinton Beane, son of Sawney? A clan that lived by murder...A flash straight to the chase. looks proper for the potlatch challenge to me.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Was that Clinton Beane, son of Sawney? A clan that lived by murder...A flash straight to the chase. looks proper for the potlatch challenge to me.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Never heard if Clinton Beane. I just picked the name of my of my nephews who trust me has great parents. Glad you saw it as perfect. I just wrote and hoped readers could fill in the blanks. LOL
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Google Sawney Beane for a real life horror story.
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Okay, but not right before bedtime. :-)
Comment from MTF1955
OMG I wasn't expecting that! It was nice she was only slaughtering pigs and chickens and not people. But never expected him to kill himself. Mary
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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OMG I wasn't expecting that! It was nice she was only slaughtering pigs and chickens and not people. But never expected him to kill himself. Mary
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Yea! That was kind of a double twist and a final thought. Thanks, Mary.
Comment from Gloria ....
Brilliant story, Shari. What a twist at the end. Excellent descriptors. I really enjoyed the red bubble sprouting and trickling down his foot.
This is bound to raise a few hairs in terror as this mother sounds like quite the determined killer.
Great job. I'm really enjoying everyone's different take on the topic. Gman best be watching his front. Mwwwahahaha.
Love it.
Gloria
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Brilliant story, Shari. What a twist at the end. Excellent descriptors. I really enjoyed the red bubble sprouting and trickling down his foot.
This is bound to raise a few hairs in terror as this mother sounds like quite the determined killer.
Great job. I'm really enjoying everyone's different take on the topic. Gman best be watching his front. Mwwwahahaha.
Love it.
Gloria
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Gloria. I amaze myself with these quick writes. Now on to review others .
