Three Old Friends. Part Four
More Bitching33 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
It's downright painful for Susan and Marjory to have to wait to find out why Audrey brought the three of the together.
I'd have lost my appetite by now or be in tears.
It was a shock to know that Brian died. His death must have something to do with why Audrey wants to talk to them. Just a guess.
:) e
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
  |
It's downright painful for Susan and Marjory to have to wait to find out why Audrey brought the three of the together.
I'd have lost my appetite by now or be in tears.
It was a shock to know that Brian died. His death must have something to do with why Audrey wants to talk to them. Just a guess.
:) e
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
-
Hi Ellen, Thanks so much for the review and comments. We should know the answers to your questions in the next part. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Ginger Banks
Your story is showing a promise to be interesting, it's dragging a bit. I like your characters, each of whom, Susan and Marjory, have quite a bit of spunk to stand up to Audrey. You repeat youself regarding the "visibly shaken"; and "What have you been doing... ". Thank you for sharing this new chapter, one other SPaGs - "Audrey was visible (visibly) shaking... ". First sentence under the picture.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
|
Your story is showing a promise to be interesting, it's dragging a bit. I like your characters, each of whom, Susan and Marjory, have quite a bit of spunk to stand up to Audrey. You repeat youself regarding the "visibly shaken"; and "What have you been doing... ". Thank you for sharing this new chapter, one other SPaGs - "Audrey was visible (visibly) shaking... ". First sentence under the picture.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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Thanks so very much. I promise more will happen in the next part. This is leading up to it. All the best. Ulla:)))
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You're welcome, I look forward to reading. :)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, if Brian hadn't wanted to go with Audrey, he wouldn't have. And, if he was the type to just walk out on her then, he most likely would have done it with someone else anyway. He might have done her a favor, and she just hasn't ever figured it out, yet. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Well, if Brian hadn't wanted to go with Audrey, he wouldn't have. And, if he was the type to just walk out on her then, he most likely would have done it with someone else anyway. He might have done her a favor, and she just hasn't ever figured it out, yet. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Hi Ric, Sorry I'm so late in answering. That is really bad, but the days flies and I never seem to be able to keep up. Please do forgive me. I so appreciate your feedback. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from MTF1955
I've been dying to catch up on what these ladies have been doing. Now you've got me wondering what Audrey is going to tell them. Great job and can't wait for the rest of thge story. Mary
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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I've been dying to catch up on what these ladies have been doing. Now you've got me wondering what Audrey is going to tell them. Great job and can't wait for the rest of thge story. Mary
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Thanks so very much. I appreciate your review very much. More is to follow soon. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= Whoohoo! Let the catfight begin! (*<*)
= Can't wait to see what's up next.
= Super chapter.
<> I had some extra time today, so did a little more in-depth for you to consider.
<> SUGGESTION <>
-1- You tend to use =THAT= a lot, so when you finish a chapter, or at different times while you're writing, =SEARCH for THAT=
-2- It will show you every time you used it. (*<*)
- Weak/Fluff Words: 12 (Seen in RED highlight on edit minion).
- Sentence ending in preposition: 5 (Seen LAVENDER highlight).
-Have you been running your chapters through EDITMINION.COM, and then checking out the color-coded read at bottom?
-You did GREAT on Adverb usage: Only =1=
-Also GREAT on passive phrases: -0-
<> ADD: comma.
= non-consequential conversation(,) I really do
= Brian(,) dead?
<> Typo: full / fullest
= Always so open to life, and living it to the full(est).
<> ALWAYS use comm with direct address.
= "I ... I am so sorry(,) Audrey. No wonder you're a bit thin. I wish I'd never asked."
<> I suggest losing the FLUFF word: VERY
<> Also, use a SYNONYM for word before repeating it. In this case: FEELING
<> ADD: comma.
<> DELETE: unneeded: THAT---ONLY
<> DELETE: excess/fluff verbiage.
=YOURS= (If you keep this version, add COMMA).
It would be so very easy to fall prey to a feeling of revenge. The ugly feeling [that] Audrey had only received what she deserved(,) lurked right under the surface.
=SUGGEST= Smoother read without excess verbiage).
= It would be so easy to dole out revenge. Justifying her belief Audrey had received what she deserved. It lurked right under the surface.
<> When you use EXCESSIVE verbiage to a sentence, you actually lose the power behind your words. Less is often, more. Especially when placed in the wrong spot. See suggestion for cohesiveness.
=YOURS=
However, Susan also felt it was far too petty a sentiment. That it was way below her. No, she better stay out of it all together.
=SUGGEST=
However, Susan felt it a petty a sentiment--beneath her. No, she thought it best to stay out of it all together.
<> ADD: comma ADD: then
= Audrey coughed to cleared her throat(,) and (then)straightened up in her chair. It was clear, she struggled to regain her composure.
<> Remember, only use =THAT= only when the sentence CANNNOT stand without it.
= I admit [that] the last six months have not been easy for me, but this was not the reason for inviting you here.
<> When you think about what the verbiage in this sentence is saying, it should be flip-flopped.
<> Redundant verbiage: So/therefore mean the same thing--don't need them both.
<> Also redundant: SINCE in this sentence indicates PASSAGE of TIME, so =LAST= is unneeded.
<> Superfluous verbiage: right now --- doing --- during
<> Overused verbiage people make: thing (use alternative word)
=YOURS= (If you keep yours--corrections).
[So t] (T)herefore, right now(,) I think we should concentrate on our meal. I'm curious to learn[,] what you both have been doing during the last twenty years since we saw each other [last].
=SUGGEST=
While I am curious to learn what you both have done with yourselves the last twenty years since we saw each other, I suggest we concentrate on our meal first.
<> EXAMPLE of redundant verbiage: that --- thing --- meal --- real reason --- you
<> EDIT: excess verbiage AND/OR rearrange.
=YOURS
"And one more thing. Did I mention that after the meal I've arrange for us to withdraw into a private room? We'll have coffee or an after dinner drink, while I'll tell you the real reason why I invited you here today."
=SUGGEST=
"By the way, did I mention I've arranged for us to withdraw to a private room once we've finished? We'll have coffee or an after dinner drink while I explain why I invited you here today."
<> OVERUSED: Susan ---
<> EXCESS: verbiage:
=YOURS=
Marjory thought that was a rather formal, and odd way even, of getting out of an awkward situation, and when she glanced at Susan, she could see her own thoughts reflected in Susan's expression. They both shrugged and nodded in agreement.
=SUGGEST= (To remain in Marjory's pov, she can only REFLECT what she sees in Susan's eyes, but CANNOT know for sure she is thinking the same thing. Notice the tweaking of verbiage to remain in one POV).
Marjory thought it a formal, yet odd way, how Audrey had dodged an awkward situation. When she glanced at Susan, she THOUGHT her friend's eyes reflected her own thoughts. They both shrugged and nodded, as if in agreement.
<> ADD: comma
Meanwhile, James, the manager(,) served the first course.
<> REDUNDANT: Susan (By Marjory addressing Susan by name, you don't need the first Susan).
<> DIRECT ADDRESS: always use comma.
<> FYI: Since Audrey just asked about the 20 years, it's REDUNDANT to repeat.
= Audrey turned in her chair. "So tell me(,) Susan, what you been done with yourself."
<> ADD: commas
<> DELETE: that --- ADVERB: really --- surely
<> TYPO: end of sentence punctuation
<> REDUNDANT: why --- end of sentence
<> TIGHTEN: verbiage
<> PLACEMENT: change =anyway= to a more advantageous spot.
<> SENTENCE STRUCTURE: the ending is confusing =AND= redundant
<> COHESIVENESS: rearrange
=YOURS
"Oh not that much really. What is it you want to know anyway? Why this interest all of a sudden.? Why can't you just tell us why you'd asked us here. Surely it was not for some small talk. Well, I can't talk for Marjory, but if that's what I'd thought, I wouldn't be here. Why don't you just get to the point.?
=SUGGEST=
"Oh, not much. What is it you want to know? Why the sudden interest, anyway? I can't speak for Marjory, but something tells me you didn't invite us here for small talk, so why don't you just get to the point?
<> CONNECT: Marjory's line to paragraph.
<> DELETE: adverb
<> REDUNDANCY: repeating Susan
<> EXCESS: verbiage
=YOURS=
Marjory chuckled. She couldn't have said it better herself. "Audrey, Susan is right. You can't possibly think that we would go along with some small talk. I am the first to be so very sorry about Brian's demise, but that's how far it goes. Come on, spit it out. Why are we here?"
=SUGGEST=
Marjory chuckled, because she couldn't have said it better herself. "Audrey, Susan is right, we are not here to socialize. While I'll be the first to say I'm sorry about Brian's demise, my concern goes no further, so stop wasting our time."
<> REDUNDANCY: the repetitive verbiage between the gals does NOT move the story forward, but DOES BOG it down.
<> REWRITE: edit --- cohesiveness
<> DELETE: adverbs
=YOURS=
Audrey gazed from one to the other visibly shaken. "I will admit, I didn't quite anticipate your hostility going that deep. But, I do have a very good reason why I summoned you today. And since you're here, I deduce that you are curious yourself. I genuinely would like to know how your life has been during the last twenty years. I still insist we eat first, and afterwards I'll tell you my reasons for this meeting. Can we at least agree on that?"
=SUGGEST=
Audrey gazed from one to the other, her shaking, visible. "I will admit I didn't quite anticipate your deep-seeded hostility. Suffice to say, I am genuine in my wanting to know about you both, as I'm sure you must be about me. Can we at least agree on that common ground?"
<> RESTRUCTURE: When you separate lines from ONE POV's, it needs to be for a cohesive reason, so the reader understands it is the same character speaking. These last lines with Marjory, should be all ONE paragraph.
=YOURS=
Marjory felt the penned up anger surge through her. "Audrey, would you like to know what we can ? "
"That I tell you what my life has been like. "After you snatched the love of my life away, I have frittered from one relationship to the other. I've never settled. Always searching for that illusive love, I experienced with Brian. Does that answer your question? Must have done, because you are positively squirming in your chair."
Marjory almost felt sorry for Audrey, but only almost.
Susan looked at Marjory, in horror, and exclaimed. "Whatever next?"
=SUGGEST= (here is a place where REPETITIVE verbiage works)
Marjory felt pent-up anger surge throughout her as she sat forward. "Okay, Audrey, I'll clue you in on our common ground. It's when you snatched the love of my life away from me, leaving me to fritter from one relationship to the other--always searching for that illusive love I felt for Brian. Does that answer your question, dear friend?" Marjory's eyes bore into Audrey's. "Must have ... you are, for all to see, squirming in your chair."
Marjory sat back and crossed her arms, enjoying Audrey's discomfort. She almost felt sorry for her, but now quite, as she inhaled, trying to settle her own nerves.
<> You've already established Susan is speaking by her lead into the sentence, so dialogue TAG is superfluous.
<> Horror doesn't quite fit the mood here----try this ...
= Susan looked at Marjory in shocked amazement. "Whatever next?"
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
Hi, Ulla
= Whoohoo! Let the catfight begin! (*<*)
= Can't wait to see what's up next.
= Super chapter.
<> I had some extra time today, so did a little more in-depth for you to consider.
<> SUGGESTION <>
-1- You tend to use =THAT= a lot, so when you finish a chapter, or at different times while you're writing, =SEARCH for THAT=
-2- It will show you every time you used it. (*<*)
- Weak/Fluff Words: 12 (Seen in RED highlight on edit minion).
- Sentence ending in preposition: 5 (Seen LAVENDER highlight).
-Have you been running your chapters through EDITMINION.COM, and then checking out the color-coded read at bottom?
-You did GREAT on Adverb usage: Only =1=
-Also GREAT on passive phrases: -0-
<> ADD: comma.
= non-consequential conversation(,) I really do
= Brian(,) dead?
<> Typo: full / fullest
= Always so open to life, and living it to the full(est).
<> ALWAYS use comm with direct address.
= "I ... I am so sorry(,) Audrey. No wonder you're a bit thin. I wish I'd never asked."
<> I suggest losing the FLUFF word: VERY
<> Also, use a SYNONYM for word before repeating it. In this case: FEELING
<> ADD: comma.
<> DELETE: unneeded: THAT---ONLY
<> DELETE: excess/fluff verbiage.
=YOURS= (If you keep this version, add COMMA).
It would be so very easy to fall prey to a feeling of revenge. The ugly feeling [that] Audrey had only received what she deserved(,) lurked right under the surface.
=SUGGEST= Smoother read without excess verbiage).
= It would be so easy to dole out revenge. Justifying her belief Audrey had received what she deserved. It lurked right under the surface.
<> When you use EXCESSIVE verbiage to a sentence, you actually lose the power behind your words. Less is often, more. Especially when placed in the wrong spot. See suggestion for cohesiveness.
=YOURS=
However, Susan also felt it was far too petty a sentiment. That it was way below her. No, she better stay out of it all together.
=SUGGEST=
However, Susan felt it a petty a sentiment--beneath her. No, she thought it best to stay out of it all together.
<> ADD: comma ADD: then
= Audrey coughed to cleared her throat(,) and (then)straightened up in her chair. It was clear, she struggled to regain her composure.
<> Remember, only use =THAT= only when the sentence CANNNOT stand without it.
= I admit [that] the last six months have not been easy for me, but this was not the reason for inviting you here.
<> When you think about what the verbiage in this sentence is saying, it should be flip-flopped.
<> Redundant verbiage: So/therefore mean the same thing--don't need them both.
<> Also redundant: SINCE in this sentence indicates PASSAGE of TIME, so =LAST= is unneeded.
<> Superfluous verbiage: right now --- doing --- during
<> Overused verbiage people make: thing (use alternative word)
=YOURS= (If you keep yours--corrections).
[So t] (T)herefore, right now(,) I think we should concentrate on our meal. I'm curious to learn[,] what you both have been doing during the last twenty years since we saw each other [last].
=SUGGEST=
While I am curious to learn what you both have done with yourselves the last twenty years since we saw each other, I suggest we concentrate on our meal first.
<> EXAMPLE of redundant verbiage: that --- thing --- meal --- real reason --- you
<> EDIT: excess verbiage AND/OR rearrange.
=YOURS
"And one more thing. Did I mention that after the meal I've arrange for us to withdraw into a private room? We'll have coffee or an after dinner drink, while I'll tell you the real reason why I invited you here today."
=SUGGEST=
"By the way, did I mention I've arranged for us to withdraw to a private room once we've finished? We'll have coffee or an after dinner drink while I explain why I invited you here today."
<> OVERUSED: Susan ---
<> EXCESS: verbiage:
=YOURS=
Marjory thought that was a rather formal, and odd way even, of getting out of an awkward situation, and when she glanced at Susan, she could see her own thoughts reflected in Susan's expression. They both shrugged and nodded in agreement.
=SUGGEST= (To remain in Marjory's pov, she can only REFLECT what she sees in Susan's eyes, but CANNOT know for sure she is thinking the same thing. Notice the tweaking of verbiage to remain in one POV).
Marjory thought it a formal, yet odd way, how Audrey had dodged an awkward situation. When she glanced at Susan, she THOUGHT her friend's eyes reflected her own thoughts. They both shrugged and nodded, as if in agreement.
<> ADD: comma
Meanwhile, James, the manager(,) served the first course.
<> REDUNDANT: Susan (By Marjory addressing Susan by name, you don't need the first Susan).
<> DIRECT ADDRESS: always use comma.
<> FYI: Since Audrey just asked about the 20 years, it's REDUNDANT to repeat.
= Audrey turned in her chair. "So tell me(,) Susan, what you been done with yourself."
<> ADD: commas
<> DELETE: that --- ADVERB: really --- surely
<> TYPO: end of sentence punctuation
<> REDUNDANT: why --- end of sentence
<> TIGHTEN: verbiage
<> PLACEMENT: change =anyway= to a more advantageous spot.
<> SENTENCE STRUCTURE: the ending is confusing =AND= redundant
<> COHESIVENESS: rearrange
=YOURS
"Oh not that much really. What is it you want to know anyway? Why this interest all of a sudden.? Why can't you just tell us why you'd asked us here. Surely it was not for some small talk. Well, I can't talk for Marjory, but if that's what I'd thought, I wouldn't be here. Why don't you just get to the point.?
=SUGGEST=
"Oh, not much. What is it you want to know? Why the sudden interest, anyway? I can't speak for Marjory, but something tells me you didn't invite us here for small talk, so why don't you just get to the point?
<> CONNECT: Marjory's line to paragraph.
<> DELETE: adverb
<> REDUNDANCY: repeating Susan
<> EXCESS: verbiage
=YOURS=
Marjory chuckled. She couldn't have said it better herself. "Audrey, Susan is right. You can't possibly think that we would go along with some small talk. I am the first to be so very sorry about Brian's demise, but that's how far it goes. Come on, spit it out. Why are we here?"
=SUGGEST=
Marjory chuckled, because she couldn't have said it better herself. "Audrey, Susan is right, we are not here to socialize. While I'll be the first to say I'm sorry about Brian's demise, my concern goes no further, so stop wasting our time."
<> REDUNDANCY: the repetitive verbiage between the gals does NOT move the story forward, but DOES BOG it down.
<> REWRITE: edit --- cohesiveness
<> DELETE: adverbs
=YOURS=
Audrey gazed from one to the other visibly shaken. "I will admit, I didn't quite anticipate your hostility going that deep. But, I do have a very good reason why I summoned you today. And since you're here, I deduce that you are curious yourself. I genuinely would like to know how your life has been during the last twenty years. I still insist we eat first, and afterwards I'll tell you my reasons for this meeting. Can we at least agree on that?"
=SUGGEST=
Audrey gazed from one to the other, her shaking, visible. "I will admit I didn't quite anticipate your deep-seeded hostility. Suffice to say, I am genuine in my wanting to know about you both, as I'm sure you must be about me. Can we at least agree on that common ground?"
<> RESTRUCTURE: When you separate lines from ONE POV's, it needs to be for a cohesive reason, so the reader understands it is the same character speaking. These last lines with Marjory, should be all ONE paragraph.
=YOURS=
Marjory felt the penned up anger surge through her. "Audrey, would you like to know what we can ? "
"That I tell you what my life has been like. "After you snatched the love of my life away, I have frittered from one relationship to the other. I've never settled. Always searching for that illusive love, I experienced with Brian. Does that answer your question? Must have done, because you are positively squirming in your chair."
Marjory almost felt sorry for Audrey, but only almost.
Susan looked at Marjory, in horror, and exclaimed. "Whatever next?"
=SUGGEST= (here is a place where REPETITIVE verbiage works)
Marjory felt pent-up anger surge throughout her as she sat forward. "Okay, Audrey, I'll clue you in on our common ground. It's when you snatched the love of my life away from me, leaving me to fritter from one relationship to the other--always searching for that illusive love I felt for Brian. Does that answer your question, dear friend?" Marjory's eyes bore into Audrey's. "Must have ... you are, for all to see, squirming in your chair."
Marjory sat back and crossed her arms, enjoying Audrey's discomfort. She almost felt sorry for her, but now quite, as she inhaled, trying to settle her own nerves.
<> You've already established Susan is speaking by her lead into the sentence, so dialogue TAG is superfluous.
<> Horror doesn't quite fit the mood here----try this ...
= Susan looked at Marjory in shocked amazement. "Whatever next?"
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Hi Jax, thanks a lot for your extensive review. I have made all the grammatical changes and spelling of course. I have also edited quite a lot taking all your suggestions into consideration, but still keeping my own voice. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Ulla, you write prose so very well. I want to I am nervous because of jumping between those tenses.
I really enjoy this story. Lots of tension, dialogue and drama. The bitterness comes through especially with Marjory. I am looking forward to the meeting in the private room.
Well done my friend,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
Ulla, you write prose so very well. I want to I am nervous because of jumping between those tenses.
I really enjoy this story. Lots of tension, dialogue and drama. The bitterness comes through especially with Marjory. I am looking forward to the meeting in the private room.
Well done my friend,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Thanks a lot Jim.I'm so glad you liked it. I'm sure you'll do just fine writing prose. I'm doing it, and English is not even my first language. All the best.Ulla:))
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
You are certainly building up the suspense, my friend. I like the way the ladies are standing up to Audrey, and her obvious attempts to manipulate them in some way. She refuses to tell them why she's called this meeting, and insists on asking about their lives since they parted. Neither lady is buying the charade.
Great job. This six is for all the times you've deserved it, and I was out of them!
Can't wait for the next chapter/installment!
Rhonda
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
 |
You are certainly building up the suspense, my friend. I like the way the ladies are standing up to Audrey, and her obvious attempts to manipulate them in some way. She refuses to tell them why she's called this meeting, and insists on asking about their lives since they parted. Neither lady is buying the charade.
Great job. This six is for all the times you've deserved it, and I was out of them!
Can't wait for the next chapter/installment!
Rhonda
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
-
Hi Rhonda, thank you so much for the great review and especially the wonderful six. I'm so glad you like the story overall. I think next chapter will be the last one, where it all comes together. All the best. Ulla:)))
-
Well, I look forward to the next chapter, though sorry to see it end!
-
Well, I like the three of them and their interaction. I'll have think about what you're saying. :)))
Comment from JP49
I'm not sure I could sit and eat a meal before I knew the reason I was asked there.
I am getting agitated so I'm sure they are. You are building the plot beautifully- just giving us a few snippets of info along the way. Great writing. I'm looking forward to the next chapter! JP :)
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
|
I'm not sure I could sit and eat a meal before I knew the reason I was asked there.
I am getting agitated so I'm sure they are. You are building the plot beautifully- just giving us a few snippets of info along the way. Great writing. I'm looking forward to the next chapter! JP :)
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
-
Thanks so much. I like your enthusiasm, that's great. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from cterp
This is building very nicely and you are really keeping us hanging, you sneak, you! I think it would help if you added an "Audrey said" into that last speech of Audrey at the end, just for clarity. I was still in Marjory's voice when I read it. I'm waitin' for a cat fight!
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
This is building very nicely and you are really keeping us hanging, you sneak, you! I think it would help if you added an "Audrey said" into that last speech of Audrey at the end, just for clarity. I was still in Marjory's voice when I read it. I'm waitin' for a cat fight!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Thanks so much for this great review. I'm so glad you liked it. I've looked into what you are saying. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Sasha
This is absolutely fascinating and I cannot wait to find out exactly why she called them all together especially considering their sorted past. I cannot blame Susan for her statement, I think mine would have been even stronger. Great work with this. I am anxiously looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
This is absolutely fascinating and I cannot wait to find out exactly why she called them all together especially considering their sorted past. I cannot blame Susan for her statement, I think mine would have been even stronger. Great work with this. I am anxiously looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Hi Sasha, how glad I am that you like it. I really do enjoy writing this story. More is to follow soon. All the best. Ulla:)))
