Ticking Monster
Shakespearean Sonnet29 total reviews
Comment from Eternal Muse
Oh, Steve, this was brilliantly done. Time is indeed a ticking monster, and every second gets us a step closer to the edge of precipice.
This is classically constructed, with the introduction of the ticking monster in the first stanza, the theme development in the second with a wise motiff that rich and poor are equally powerless before the merciless clock; then you introduce a powerful Volta in line nine, and in the couplet you are calling to defy the monster.
What can I say? You are a master of the form, and this is another beautiful example.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Oh, Steve, this was brilliantly done. Time is indeed a ticking monster, and every second gets us a step closer to the edge of precipice.
This is classically constructed, with the introduction of the ticking monster in the first stanza, the theme development in the second with a wise motiff that rich and poor are equally powerless before the merciless clock; then you introduce a powerful Volta in line nine, and in the couplet you are calling to defy the monster.
What can I say? You are a master of the form, and this is another beautiful example.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thank you!
I have to say your contest has drawn some excellent entries into the mix, so there will certainly be tough competition.
This started off somewhat differently, more as a love poem, but then the poem took over, as they often do. I'm not 100% happy with it, but it's not too bd for the amount of time spent!
Steve
Comment from rama devi
HA HA HA - upper hand!~ FUN PUN!
I enjoyed the original and whimsical sonnet with fine personification of both Time and clocks. Ticking monster--apt appellation! As usual, this has fine poetic devices and phonetics. I liked the alliteration of G in the first stanza and the internal near rhyme of flow and grows.
For ev'ry tree that grows, must one day fall -
Reading it aloud, it strikes me that this line might sound even better with a shift to:
For ev'ry tree that grows, one day, must fall -
(It's just how I 'hear' it and say it aloud...but both are correct and acceptable, so no need to change unless you like the idea)/
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You say that love should last forever more.
I think forevermore is one word, not two. (Not positive if both ways are okay, but I believe one word is more correct).
Love the volta stanza:
Though patient Time keeps measure of our days,
He's but a box of cogs and wheels, a toy.
As lovers we may yet avoid his gaze,
And trip our own sweet measure, love and joy.
Pitch perfect closing note. I suggest one comma:
So come, defy the monster, challenge Fate,
For(,) win or lose, what mysteries await!
LEANS TOWARD A SIX BUT COULD USE A COUPLE OF TWEAKS.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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HA HA HA - upper hand!~ FUN PUN!
I enjoyed the original and whimsical sonnet with fine personification of both Time and clocks. Ticking monster--apt appellation! As usual, this has fine poetic devices and phonetics. I liked the alliteration of G in the first stanza and the internal near rhyme of flow and grows.
For ev'ry tree that grows, must one day fall -
Reading it aloud, it strikes me that this line might sound even better with a shift to:
For ev'ry tree that grows, one day, must fall -
(It's just how I 'hear' it and say it aloud...but both are correct and acceptable, so no need to change unless you like the idea)/
*
You say that love should last forever more.
I think forevermore is one word, not two. (Not positive if both ways are okay, but I believe one word is more correct).
Love the volta stanza:
Though patient Time keeps measure of our days,
He's but a box of cogs and wheels, a toy.
As lovers we may yet avoid his gaze,
And trip our own sweet measure, love and joy.
Pitch perfect closing note. I suggest one comma:
So come, defy the monster, challenge Fate,
For(,) win or lose, what mysteries await!
LEANS TOWARD A SIX BUT COULD USE A COUPLE OF TWEAKS.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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You are the only one to mention 'upper hand' so far! :O)
I spent some time checking out 'forever more'. It seems all the variations are acceptable forever more, for evermore, and forevermore. That last one, all one word, is more US usage. I chose the first option, simply because I wanted to use 'forever' again in the next line.
I will go and add that comma at the end, and will probably change the one day must fall, as well. I've already been back and forth on that one.
Thanks, as always, for the kond words and the concrete suggestions.
Steve
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Ah, yes, that makes sense...since I am from USA, I am accustomed to the one word...and the search engines also show it that way. One day must fall is okay but a stronger, fresher phrasing would be optimal.
Thanks for your gracious response!
Warmly, rd
Comment from Spider39
I never thought of time as being a monster, but when I think about it, it's very fitting.
The line, The beast must have his tribute; rich and poor Shall pay alike, mere pebbles on the beach, is very deep. You imply that no matter who we are, time sees us as just another number to stake its claim. Nothing stays the same with the passage of time, which I suppose is why so many people feel the need to hurry up with everything they do. Worst yet, some people become so preoccupied with trivial matters that they lose track of time! For ev'ry tree that grows, must one day fall - very poignant. Good poem I really enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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I never thought of time as being a monster, but when I think about it, it's very fitting.
The line, The beast must have his tribute; rich and poor Shall pay alike, mere pebbles on the beach, is very deep. You imply that no matter who we are, time sees us as just another number to stake its claim. Nothing stays the same with the passage of time, which I suppose is why so many people feel the need to hurry up with everything they do. Worst yet, some people become so preoccupied with trivial matters that they lose track of time! For ev'ry tree that grows, must one day fall - very poignant. Good poem I really enjoyed it.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Spider, thank you for the excellent review and the six shiny stars.
I actually don't think my thought processes are particularly deep, but I do a good job of pretending sometimes!
Certainly, the closer one gets to the end of life, the more time you spend thinking about it, when it's probably better to just get on with using the time that's left more wisely.
Steve
Comment from Sis Cat
A poetic meditation on time and the fleeting, fragile nature of mortal life. This poem is deep and contemplative. Your poem prompts us to live life to the fullest and "defy the monster and challenge Fate. What mysteries await, indeed. Thank you for sharing this sonnet. I wish you success n the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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A poetic meditation on time and the fleeting, fragile nature of mortal life. This poem is deep and contemplative. Your poem prompts us to live life to the fullest and "defy the monster and challenge Fate. What mysteries await, indeed. Thank you for sharing this sonnet. I wish you success n the contest.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thank you.
I started with the 'mysteries await' phrase and then had to build the rest of the sonnet towards that, tking a few new twists and turns along the way.
Steve
Comment from Nika2016
This is very good...the poet saying time stops for no one.
As for the mysteries, I think I have visited all at one time or another and sitting here in the ac looking out at the green forest land I am at peace for now. Who knows the future?
It is a nice sonnet...
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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This is very good...the poet saying time stops for no one.
As for the mysteries, I think I have visited all at one time or another and sitting here in the ac looking out at the green forest land I am at peace for now. Who knows the future?
It is a nice sonnet...
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Exactly, who knows the future - that's why mysteries await. And if you happen to be dead, that's pretty much a mystery too!
Thanks for the thoughtful review.
Steve
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No its not a mystery if one is dead, unless one speculates on an afterlife..yet some say death is the ultimate mystery.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Time is time. Mysterious, always moving, always in charge, we are just along for the ride.
Excellent sonnet, I never was friends with Shakespeare but this at least made sense.
Nice entry
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Time is time. Mysterious, always moving, always in charge, we are just along for the ride.
Excellent sonnet, I never was friends with Shakespeare but this at least made sense.
Nice entry
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Barb.
Yep, Shakespeare can be inaccessible at times. I'm glad you found the theme of this easily enough.
Steve
Comment from cterp
I'd give you six stars if I could. This is lovely and so Shakespearean. Beautiful carry-through of the clock and time imagery, clever use of sand and then pebbles on the beach. This is a winner and sure to do well in the contest. Good luck!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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I'd give you six stars if I could. This is lovely and so Shakespearean. Beautiful carry-through of the clock and time imagery, clever use of sand and then pebbles on the beach. This is a winner and sure to do well in the contest. Good luck!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thank you for the kind words. Did I see an entry from you in this contest?
I have seen a number of fine entries and I've still to read most of them, so one thing is sure - competition will be tough!
Steve
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Me? A sonnet? Not since high school. Shiver!
Comment from tfawcus
A clever echo here of Shakespeare's famous sonnet! I did like the phrasing of "Alas! Forever's past our petty reach" and the caesura and enjambment in the following line, "The beast must have his tribute; rich and poor..." The pause and lurch forward have an effect like the incoming tide washing over those "mere pebbles on the beach". The judges will have a hard job in no rewarding this one. A very fine sonnet.
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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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A clever echo here of Shakespeare's famous sonnet! I did like the phrasing of "Alas! Forever's past our petty reach" and the caesura and enjambment in the following line, "The beast must have his tribute; rich and poor..." The pause and lurch forward have an effect like the incoming tide washing over those "mere pebbles on the beach". The judges will have a hard job in no rewarding this one. A very fine sonnet.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Tony. Now you've got me pondering, because I didn't have a particular sonnet of Shakespeare in mind. The theme is more from Herrick and Marvell - Maybe I made it too subtle, because no one has commented on the 'To His Coy Mistress' idea of 'hurry up and let me into your knickers before we all get old and die! Or maybe I'm the only one cynical enough to read that into it!
I do know that there are a number of fine sonnets in this contest. I don't see one from you, hoever...
Steve
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My old brain going rusty, I'm afraid. I was ascribing 'Gather ye rosebuds' to Shakespeare instead of Herrick. My old English teacher would have been appalled!
Comment from foxangie123
A most great poem as written on its own or as entry to the contest. The hands of time never stop churning, do they. A most clever entry written just as the centurion would have wanted.
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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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A most great poem as written on its own or as entry to the contest. The hands of time never stop churning, do they. A most clever entry written just as the centurion would have wanted.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Angie.
Steve
