The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "A Desperate Plan"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
24 total reviews
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Rhonda,
Nice piece in continuation, having spontaneous and captivating flow from the beginning to the end!
Impressive and pleasant conversational style with matching the theme phraseology.
Interesting, and undoubtedly deserves to be honored with Six Stars.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
Nice piece in continuation, having spontaneous and captivating flow from the beginning to the end!
Impressive and pleasant conversational style with matching the theme phraseology.
Interesting, and undoubtedly deserves to be honored with Six Stars.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, what a brilliant rating, my friend. The comments are as uplifting as the stars!
Have a great Sunday,
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
The story is building well and this chapter lays the preparations for what I'm supposing will be the climax of the adventure in the pyramid. There are some excellent moments in this. Loved the way Mike Holly watched the kids until they were forced to pretend they were eating. And the big kid, when intimidated, what else would he say but he'd take their food. (Small giggle of delight at that one). I just love this girl's moxie. She seems unflappable and with enemies everywhere she's proactive, right down to enlisting the boys to find weapons. The storytelling is smooth and the dialogue very entertaining. It's a funny thing to say, but it really seems like this is all really happening.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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The story is building well and this chapter lays the preparations for what I'm supposing will be the climax of the adventure in the pyramid. There are some excellent moments in this. Loved the way Mike Holly watched the kids until they were forced to pretend they were eating. And the big kid, when intimidated, what else would he say but he'd take their food. (Small giggle of delight at that one). I just love this girl's moxie. She seems unflappable and with enemies everywhere she's proactive, right down to enlisting the boys to find weapons. The storytelling is smooth and the dialogue very entertaining. It's a funny thing to say, but it really seems like this is all really happening.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Wow, I can't imagine a better compliment than to say it seems real! That's the way my father would make us feel when he told my sister and I Daredevil Girls stories! Your comments are much appreciated,
Rhonda
Comment from c_lucas
It is not the strength of the body, but the strength of the spirit that counts. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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It is not the strength of the body, but the strength of the spirit that counts. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Thank you, my friend. My mother, whom I based this character off of, was small and feisty! The sneaky part of Sally came from my middle child who had to be watched like a hawk!!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
What a lovely point to catch up too! You have a wonderful story telling ability, so matured from my limited teenage reading day. Thanks for sharing Rhonda, the traditional quotations work more naturally for me. Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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What a lovely point to catch up too! You have a wonderful story telling ability, so matured from my limited teenage reading day. Thanks for sharing Rhonda, the traditional quotations work more naturally for me. Maureen*&*
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Maureen. Young Adult literature has matured with works like Harry Potter, where we realize kids can take more than they used to. I'm with you on the quotation marks. They got on my nerves,
Rhonda
Comment from cflorian8
I honestly found nothing wrong with this entry grammatically. Also, even though I caught a glimpse of your novel during what seems the end stages, the number of elements introduced to me in just this entry left me captivated. A secret struggle for freedom from a lifestyle of slavery. The fact that the majority of our heroes and heroines are middle school children and these children are a part of a secret faction of faculty and students who secretly rebel against their captors. Rhonda, you made it easier for me to understand each character's role by providing a character list along with individual back stories. I wish you luck in publishing this work in actual printed copies.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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I honestly found nothing wrong with this entry grammatically. Also, even though I caught a glimpse of your novel during what seems the end stages, the number of elements introduced to me in just this entry left me captivated. A secret struggle for freedom from a lifestyle of slavery. The fact that the majority of our heroes and heroines are middle school children and these children are a part of a secret faction of faculty and students who secretly rebel against their captors. Rhonda, you made it easier for me to understand each character's role by providing a character list along with individual back stories. I wish you luck in publishing this work in actual printed copies.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, my friend! You have captured the essence of this story right away. Wow!!
This isn't close to the end stages, though. You are arriving in about the middle! Thanks so much for joining, and for the brilliant six stars!!
Have a great week,
Rhonda
Comment from Zue65
This is again another intense chapter in the story of Sally's attempt to rescue her friends, the members of the Daredevil Girls. Now with two more allies, Kith and Jason, the rescue mission will surely be an exciting treat to look forward to. Thanks for sharing this chapter.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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This is again another intense chapter in the story of Sally's attempt to rescue her friends, the members of the Daredevil Girls. Now with two more allies, Kith and Jason, the rescue mission will surely be an exciting treat to look forward to. Thanks for sharing this chapter.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thank you! I appreciate that you have taken the time to read the chapter and to leave your comments!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
Very well written chapter here.
So Sally has enlisted the help of the brothers and back up the way she came. And she even helped Holly by giving more food to the other kids!! LOL
Your background info and summary are exactly the same thing repeated.
First / second paragraph you have headed / head close together there.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Very well written chapter here.
So Sally has enlisted the help of the brothers and back up the way she came. And she even helped Holly by giving more food to the other kids!! LOL
Your background info and summary are exactly the same thing repeated.
First / second paragraph you have headed / head close together there.
All the best
G
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thank you. What happened with this chapter is that I thought it was on private, and it posted way before I was ready for it. Lot's of mistakes, and I'm at my daughter's in Maryland and haven't had much time to edit. I appreciate your catching the mistakes for me!
Rhonda
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Cowgirl. Wonderful chapter once again mate. I was so relieved when we saw the paw under the grate. I was worried sage might have copped it.
"Is he going to watch us eat?" I asked." (I hate it when that happens! The kids here used to watch me eat, when I first came here, to see if white people eat like they do lol.)
""It is, but it's not very strong. A few bites won't hurt you, and it'll get Mike Holly's attention off of(-of) us."
"To our relief, we saw a gray paw snaking in and out from beneath one corner of the grating, and one of the screws sitting on the floor beneath." (Woohoo! Great work.)
"It makes you one lone boy in a sea of enemies who had no choice but to stay." (Beautiful work. Sounds familiar.)
"Well, you're looking at the youngest member, and there are four more upstairs." (And Bruce?)
That Mike Holly sounds like a hero!
Righto, the chase is on. The action has been great all of the way and now it has elevated to a higher level.
Beautiful work Sis and bring on the next chapter.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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G'day Cowgirl. Wonderful chapter once again mate. I was so relieved when we saw the paw under the grate. I was worried sage might have copped it.
"Is he going to watch us eat?" I asked." (I hate it when that happens! The kids here used to watch me eat, when I first came here, to see if white people eat like they do lol.)
""It is, but it's not very strong. A few bites won't hurt you, and it'll get Mike Holly's attention off of(-of) us."
"To our relief, we saw a gray paw snaking in and out from beneath one corner of the grating, and one of the screws sitting on the floor beneath." (Woohoo! Great work.)
"It makes you one lone boy in a sea of enemies who had no choice but to stay." (Beautiful work. Sounds familiar.)
"Well, you're looking at the youngest member, and there are four more upstairs." (And Bruce?)
That Mike Holly sounds like a hero!
Righto, the chase is on. The action has been great all of the way and now it has elevated to a higher level.
Beautiful work Sis and bring on the next chapter.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thanks so much, brother!
Yeah, I know you can relate to a bunch of this!
I sort of posted this early because it didn't allow for the preview I normally have. I usually put the chapter in in very rough form, then sort of get back to it off and on to revise. It got released right away, and way before I intended for it to, so I had to go for it, and review quickly. I'm still working on another project, that got pushed to the side quickly. Oh, well, I guess they changed the rules on leaving it in preview stage.
Anyway, thanks for the six, and for the review, my friend,
Say hi to all the kiddos and Baby Kwala!
Sister Cowgirl
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You're most welcome. I hope they haven't changed the rules on "preview" or it'll muck me up every time I post anything. Sometimes it takes me all day to edit lol.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Rhonda
= Whew! Can't wait to see what they do to save the others.
= Great chapter, with some excitement building up.
= Like the cafeteria scene when they fake out Mike Holly.
= Excellent job, my friend.
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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Hi, Rhonda
= Whew! Can't wait to see what they do to save the others.
= Great chapter, with some excitement building up.
= Like the cafeteria scene when they fake out Mike Holly.
= Excellent job, my friend.
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
Comment Written 24-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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Thank you Jax. I so appreciate your review and comments. It was a sort of an interim chapter, but we have to have those sometimes, too. Please feel free to make suggestions for improvement as I value your opinion.
Rhonda
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=I think you do a great job.
=The only thing that stuck out, but only a little bit, were the ADVERBS.
= I got reamed in my writing class for those, and passive phrases. So they pop right out at me!
<> FYI <>
A GREAT tool is some free software called ...
editminion.com
-- copy/paste chapter into the software
-- click edit
-- gives you a color-coded readout of your chapter below, so you can copy/paste to your worksheet, and then work on the troubled areas, as the color-coded errors show up on your worksheet. Eeezy peezy (*<*)
-- it is GREAT!
Minion Analysis Results
Total Word count:1228
Adverbs: 6
Weak Words: 8
Homonym: 42
Preposition End: 8
Passive: 2
Cheers.... (*<*)
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Oh, wow!!! Thank you so much. I'm excited to try it. You're the best!
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You're very welcome.
I LOVE IT!!
Let me know what you think. (*<*)
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I sure will, thanks ever so much!
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You're very welcome. (*<*)
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Okay, I just tried it. If you get a chance, can you look it back over and see what you think? The changes are a bit subtle, but add extra polish.
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GREAT!!! (*<*)
=I thought you would like it.
=LOL ... I like the challenge of clearing out ALL the color.
Cheers ... (*<*)
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Yeah, that was fun!
Comment from MTF1955
I love these girls they are so resourceful. Nice flow to this chapter that kept the reader interested. Also the dialogue is wonderful. I can see it playing out in my head. mary
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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I love these girls they are so resourceful. Nice flow to this chapter that kept the reader interested. Also the dialogue is wonderful. I can see it playing out in my head. mary
Comment Written 24-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for your review. It wasn't supposed to be released yet. I hadn't even gotten the editing and revising done. Feel free to go back if you would like. It's never happened to me before, but thanks for reviewing.
Rhonda
