Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Regrets"An American Civil War vet heads west.
16 total reviews
Comment from TallySally
I like the way this reads 'in real time' and the 'immediacy' conveyed.
The 'storm/flood' section has really good pace.
Really interesting chapter.
God bless and my best,
Relda
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016
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I like the way this reads 'in real time' and the 'immediacy' conveyed.
The 'storm/flood' section has really good pace.
Really interesting chapter.
God bless and my best,
Relda
Comment Written 17-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016
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Thank you for reading. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
This was an interesting read, and your descriptive references were gold in setting the scenes as well as character build for this unlucky man. I loved the ending,
Maybe find work more suitable for a worn out older man who carries bad luck with him in a suitcase.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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This was an interesting read, and your descriptive references were gold in setting the scenes as well as character build for this unlucky man. I loved the ending,
Maybe find work more suitable for a worn out older man who carries bad luck with him in a suitcase.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you for reading. I appreciate your feedback.
Comment from LIJ Red
A tried and true way of dating a western story is to say Ten years after Appomattox. I'm glad I waited until you and reviewers had gone over this, I found it a smooth, realistic adventure tale.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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A tried and true way of dating a western story is to say Ten years after Appomattox. I'm glad I waited until you and reviewers had gone over this, I found it a smooth, realistic adventure tale.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Red,
Thanks for the review and the tip. I've got readers telling me
the Dakota Gold Rush had been over for ten years. I just said I
was headed to Dakota Territory to try mining for gold, never mentioned a "rush". There are still people that take off chasing
gold. I think I'm going to write a check list out of tips like
yours. Maybe I can stop a few people from re-writing my stories
for me.
Thanks Red,
DeLaHay
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Folks. What a great story this is. They would have been hard times for someone fit and healthy, let alone that poor bugger. You painted the scenery beautifully.
One suggestion...
"preferable(preferably) one that was not already occupied at the time."
Well done.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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G'day Folks. What a great story this is. They would have been hard times for someone fit and healthy, let alone that poor bugger. You painted the scenery beautifully.
One suggestion...
"preferable(preferably) one that was not already occupied at the time."
Well done.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 27-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Thanks for catching that. I changed it. I appreciate the review.
Comment from rmj09
The focus an old soldier who became a miner.
The story line development: while in the army a gunner was to fire the cannons on the Indians. A fellow soldier was the chocker, he placed the chock to prevent the cannon from rolling when fired; only he had not. His right knee was crushed the doctor wanted to remove his leg. He was discharged due to his injury, they had no use for him. He was against the way they took the Indian lands like the Brit's had. He sold all of his positions for a mule and what he'd need for going gold mining. Having a small pouch of gold hidden on Bones. The Colorado territory had many Indian raids so when he met up with a group of men, he joined them for safety in numbers. In the morning his supplies and gold were missing. Riding Bones all day he was beginning to feel he should have had his leg amputated. He noted up on a ridge what looked like a hole. Climbing there he discovered a small. Shooting his shotgun off in it he could see nothing was living there. He returned the the riverbed and brought Bones up into the cave. During the night he hears what sounds like a wagon train moving through. He discovers it was a flash flood which is six inches from the cave. He starts to think about the girl he knows in Denver and thinks he'll go there and find a job.
The hook could the cave have gold in it?
Keep on writing.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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The focus an old soldier who became a miner.
The story line development: while in the army a gunner was to fire the cannons on the Indians. A fellow soldier was the chocker, he placed the chock to prevent the cannon from rolling when fired; only he had not. His right knee was crushed the doctor wanted to remove his leg. He was discharged due to his injury, they had no use for him. He was against the way they took the Indian lands like the Brit's had. He sold all of his positions for a mule and what he'd need for going gold mining. Having a small pouch of gold hidden on Bones. The Colorado territory had many Indian raids so when he met up with a group of men, he joined them for safety in numbers. In the morning his supplies and gold were missing. Riding Bones all day he was beginning to feel he should have had his leg amputated. He noted up on a ridge what looked like a hole. Climbing there he discovered a small. Shooting his shotgun off in it he could see nothing was living there. He returned the the riverbed and brought Bones up into the cave. During the night he hears what sounds like a wagon train moving through. He discovers it was a flash flood which is six inches from the cave. He starts to think about the girl he knows in Denver and thinks he'll go there and find a job.
The hook could the cave have gold in it?
Keep on writing.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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It could never be that easy could it? His luck would never be that good. Good thought though. It could easily go that way with a lucky person. Thank you for your feedback.
Comment from cterp
I read through the other ratings you've gotten, so I won't repeat the misspellings they've pointed out (boring!), but I will gently question your timeline. The Montana gold rush was in 1863, so I'm not sure what war's 20-year timeframe you are talking about being after. You'll need to make that clearer. Otherwise, nice job. Loose and rambling, I like his matter of fact way of noting that "six inches more and I'd have been sharing my shelter with some fish."
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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I read through the other ratings you've gotten, so I won't repeat the misspellings they've pointed out (boring!), but I will gently question your timeline. The Montana gold rush was in 1863, so I'm not sure what war's 20-year timeframe you are talking about being after. You'll need to make that clearer. Otherwise, nice job. Loose and rambling, I like his matter of fact way of noting that "six inches more and I'd have been sharing my shelter with some fish."
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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I think the Black Hills gold rush was in the 1870's actually. I changed the story to about ten years after the war. Thank you for reading and for your review.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
big enough for both me and my [horse]Mule to fit through.
I enjoyed your story and noticed that one mistake. Nothing
to worry about. LOL The story had good imagery and held my interest. I love stories about the old west. Well done my friend. xxx nancy
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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big enough for both me and my [horse]Mule to fit through.
I enjoyed your story and noticed that one mistake. Nothing
to worry about. LOL The story had good imagery and held my interest. I love stories about the old west. Well done my friend. xxx nancy
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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He started as a horse then I had my guy buying a mule so I tried to change all the horses into mules. I missed one. Thank you for the review.
Comment from jpduck
I enjoyed this simple tale of a tolerant and philosophical man who is a good exemplar of the American ethic.
One nit-pick: 'big enough for both me and my horse to fit through' (The narrator's mule seems to have magically transformed into a horse {!!}).
Adrian
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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I enjoyed this simple tale of a tolerant and philosophical man who is a good exemplar of the American ethic.
One nit-pick: 'big enough for both me and my horse to fit through' (The narrator's mule seems to have magically transformed into a horse {!!}).
Adrian
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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He started as a horse then I had my guy buying a mule so I tried to change all the horses into mules. I missed one. Thank you for the review.
Comment from Jay Squires
Well, Ward, you have a good story here with a few tweaks here and there. When it started I thought it was the Vietnam war you were referring to. I was confused when you mentioned Americans fighting their American natives (still trying to reference Viet Nam). You'd be amazed how I was still hanging onto that erroneous image of coming home from Viet Nam when he tried being a cowboy. I believe you'd be better off referencing the Civil War early on (for other dummies like me). Once I got into the rhythm of it, though, I liked where you took me and there was promise at the end of possible romance and more adventures in the next chapter.
Here are a few considerations:
My best friend was suppose to chock the wheels [...was SUPPOSED to chock ...]
and right now every move of my horse made [... every move {of = delete?} my horse made.]
from what I had managed to scrounged out of the ground [... managed to SCROUNGE ...]
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Well, Ward, you have a good story here with a few tweaks here and there. When it started I thought it was the Vietnam war you were referring to. I was confused when you mentioned Americans fighting their American natives (still trying to reference Viet Nam). You'd be amazed how I was still hanging onto that erroneous image of coming home from Viet Nam when he tried being a cowboy. I believe you'd be better off referencing the Civil War early on (for other dummies like me). Once I got into the rhythm of it, though, I liked where you took me and there was promise at the end of possible romance and more adventures in the next chapter.
Here are a few considerations:
My best friend was suppose to chock the wheels [...was SUPPOSED to chock ...]
and right now every move of my horse made [... every move {of = delete?} my horse made.]
from what I had managed to scrounged out of the ground [... managed to SCROUNGE ...]
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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I can see why you went to Vietnam at the first. I have written about the fun times I had there in the past. I wondered about the 'suppose', I meant to change it. I think I may be right with the movement of the mule (the horse was supposed to be changed into a mule, did I miss one?). The idea is that the movement (of) the mule made his leg hurt. Does this make sense? I know riding a horse with pins in my leg hurts.
He had originally scrounged the gold, I forgot to remove the (ed) when I changed the tense.
As ever, thank you for taking the time to find my mistakes.
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My pleasure, Ward.
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Jay,
Thanks!
Ward
Comment from foxangie123
Neat ending the whole carrying bad luck in your luggage. That was truly a clever way of putting it but we all have a similar way of packing poopy around. Most well told story. Best of the day actually.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Neat ending the whole carrying bad luck in your luggage. That was truly a clever way of putting it but we all have a similar way of packing poopy around. Most well told story. Best of the day actually.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2016
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Thank you very much for your encouraging review. I appreciate the feedback.
