The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Kith and Jason"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
27 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Very entertaining chapter, Rhonda, building to some real suspense. You have an excellent voice. Your characters are easy to relate to your plotline and language is suited to the YA audience--where I believe you are slotting this. Your dialogue is crisp and believable (in spite of the quote marks, which I go into below.
Didn't you write about two sisters and their group, and an initiation for the younger one where she had to get closer than the others to a haunted house? I remember it from some time ago. I think it was you.
Anyway, Rhonda, I enjoyed reading this and will definitely read more. Below are a few considerations:
To be honest with you, I think you got yourself in a real conundrum with the quoting. Why use quotes for the narrator/protag? It just complicates things, in my opinion. I write my novel in the first person. One could argue that I should have my narrative in quotes as well. Ain't gonna happen! It's fashionable nowadays not to use any quote marks. You find it in a lot of published fiction. Anyway ... just thought I would weigh in on it.
Most of my team mates were upstairs [Most of my TEAMMATES were upstairs (this I verified by all the online dictionaries I could find).]
I hadn't the time, rather I ran for the metal door partially hidden by grass. [An iffy, sorta run-on sentence (or, comma splice). You need punctuation other than a comma after "time," since each side of the comma is a complete sentence.]
could we possibly do that my brother and I haven't already tried?' Kith asked. [I can't imagine an 11year-old not saying "me and my brother," >> of course that's only an observation--how could I call it a nit? LOL.]
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Very entertaining chapter, Rhonda, building to some real suspense. You have an excellent voice. Your characters are easy to relate to your plotline and language is suited to the YA audience--where I believe you are slotting this. Your dialogue is crisp and believable (in spite of the quote marks, which I go into below.
Didn't you write about two sisters and their group, and an initiation for the younger one where she had to get closer than the others to a haunted house? I remember it from some time ago. I think it was you.
Anyway, Rhonda, I enjoyed reading this and will definitely read more. Below are a few considerations:
To be honest with you, I think you got yourself in a real conundrum with the quoting. Why use quotes for the narrator/protag? It just complicates things, in my opinion. I write my novel in the first person. One could argue that I should have my narrative in quotes as well. Ain't gonna happen! It's fashionable nowadays not to use any quote marks. You find it in a lot of published fiction. Anyway ... just thought I would weigh in on it.
Most of my team mates were upstairs [Most of my TEAMMATES were upstairs (this I verified by all the online dictionaries I could find).]
I hadn't the time, rather I ran for the metal door partially hidden by grass. [An iffy, sorta run-on sentence (or, comma splice). You need punctuation other than a comma after "time," since each side of the comma is a complete sentence.]
could we possibly do that my brother and I haven't already tried?' Kith asked. [I can't imagine an 11year-old not saying "me and my brother," >> of course that's only an observation--how could I call it a nit? LOL.]
Comment Written 16-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Thank you for the very detailed and helpful review!
This is a continuation of the same story as the haunted house you mentioned, and Sally the same as the little girl trapped inside. They are two years older now, and this is the second tale Nancy is telling her students in an assembly. Once this story is over, the outer story picks up I "realtime".
I have about decided to do away with the quotes as well. I am reading a James Patterson book where he switches narrators, first person, and he ignores the quotations. It is so tedious to keep up with, and it is distracting to the readers. Thanks for your input!
I appreciate the time you took with the review, now...back to Doctrex!
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You are so correct with the quotation marks. I discovered that a few years ago and still take some flack for it. I had heard about you from a few FS fans and am glad I was able to catch a post. I'm from the Fort Hood area. I will fan you so I don't miss any of your posts.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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You are so correct with the quotation marks. I discovered that a few years ago and still take some flack for it. I had heard about you from a few FS fans and am glad I was able to catch a post. I'm from the Fort Hood area. I will fan you so I don't miss any of your posts.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Oh, wow, not too far away from me in Ennis. I'm glad you've heard about the quotation marks! I'll friend you, too. Thanks so much,
Rhonda
Comment from Ginger Banks
This is a really good read, the story and dialog flow extremely well. It's interesting and catches the attention right away. I feel like I want to read more, but ... I have to write too, and there's the dilemma, ha! Thank you for this wonderful piece and the beautiful art!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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This is a really good read, the story and dialog flow extremely well. It's interesting and catches the attention right away. I feel like I want to read more, but ... I have to write too, and there's the dilemma, ha! Thank you for this wonderful piece and the beautiful art!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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That's funny, Ginger, and the drawback of this site. We have our own darn writing that gets in the way...haha...
Thanks so much,
Rhonda
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😊😊😊 you are welcome.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"co conspirators" should be "co-conspirators".
This well written story continues to produce high drama and suspense as illustrated by the cat only having "about three hours tops".
Asks the question will the cat survive the procedure?
Makes readers want to come back to find out.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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"co conspirators" should be "co-conspirators".
This well written story continues to produce high drama and suspense as illustrated by the cat only having "about three hours tops".
Asks the question will the cat survive the procedure?
Makes readers want to come back to find out.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Cat's just a second story man in this caper! Three hours isn't much time, but she's a tough kitty..so are the others, I hope!
Thanks so much for the comments and review.
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
It's all go for little Sally & Sage in this chapter. At least she's roped in some help with some helpful information. What would we do without air vents! LOL
Part of my friends - perhaps change part to some or most.
into my conscious mind...Bruce - need a space before Bruce.
it's rides and games silent - its.
I scooted to the entrance - was she not already at the entrance as she'd just opened it?
Apparently It's an impure metal - it's.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
It's all go for little Sally & Sage in this chapter. At least she's roped in some help with some helpful information. What would we do without air vents! LOL
Part of my friends - perhaps change part to some or most.
into my conscious mind...Bruce - need a space before Bruce.
it's rides and games silent - its.
I scooted to the entrance - was she not already at the entrance as she'd just opened it?
Apparently It's an impure metal - it's.
All the best
G
Comment Written 16-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Thanks, my friend! Good set of eyes are always good to have on your reviewer buddies.
She scooted her bobo, bum, etc. Guess I should clarify what she's scooting, haha.
Thanks, again. I'll fix up those mistakes.
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
Sally is a real little fighter. She seems fearless in the face of new challenges. The slide down the chute and the meeting with the two waifs open up possibilties as the Daredevil Girls are on the cusp of being reincarnated as Egyptians. The chapter moves along slickly and it all seems so natural, though it clearly isn't. Sage always seems to be there and adds humour in tense situations. It sounds like we're going to see her add to her mystery with a feat of un-cat like dexterity. Your story is building to an exciting conclusion.
Some SPAGs and suggestions:
It's games and rides...its
Not sure if 'jettisoned' is the right word here as it usually implies letting go or disposing of things. Here they drop inside.
dark damp hair...dark, damp hair
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Sally is a real little fighter. She seems fearless in the face of new challenges. The slide down the chute and the meeting with the two waifs open up possibilties as the Daredevil Girls are on the cusp of being reincarnated as Egyptians. The chapter moves along slickly and it all seems so natural, though it clearly isn't. Sage always seems to be there and adds humour in tense situations. It sounds like we're going to see her add to her mystery with a feat of un-cat like dexterity. Your story is building to an exciting conclusion.
Some SPAGs and suggestions:
It's games and rides...its
Not sure if 'jettisoned' is the right word here as it usually implies letting go or disposing of things. Here they drop inside.
dark damp hair...dark, damp hair
Comment Written 16-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Thanks for the Spag alerts. I didn't like the word, jettisoned, either, but couldn't think of anything...guess I will...
I wasn't sure about the comma with dark, damp, and had it there for a while, then took it out.
Kitty is certainly own her way to an adventure. Hopefully she can lend a helpful paw...
Thanks again,
Rhonda
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"Barreled" ..perfect choice as implies not only going down at speed but a cylindrical styled shape such as a chute.
A rule of thumb I read of the other day in dealing with those adjective strings is: Insert an and between each word as you read it ie dark AND damp. If it sound sOK, you need a comma. IF not, you don't. So far it's help up for me.
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Thanks, that's a good rule of thumb. I was trying to make other corrections, but my iPad kept knocking me out, and I was too lazy to get the computer up last night..haha. Off to make other changes. Thanks for checking back on it!
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Rhonda
= OMGoodness! This is turning into quite the exciting ride.
= From the cat to the brothers, wow! Fun ride, but of course scary.
= I hope they can save all before Akai hurts anyone, or worse!
= I'm enjoying your novel so much. Excellent chapter.
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Hi, Rhonda
= OMGoodness! This is turning into quite the exciting ride.
= From the cat to the brothers, wow! Fun ride, but of course scary.
= I hope they can save all before Akai hurts anyone, or worse!
= I'm enjoying your novel so much. Excellent chapter.
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Jax. You are so sweet and helpful.
They are in for quite a ride, kit, kith and Cat...
Akie is quite the narcissist, but you'll learn a bit more about him later.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from create4christ
Interesting story. I was definitely pulled into it. Your characters and descriptions are well done. Yes. I did notice the "' and was going to comment on it. I'd never heard of doing it that way. I'll have to check it out for my own novel. Thank you for sharing a new way of doing things.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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Interesting story. I was definitely pulled into it. Your characters and descriptions are well done. Yes. I did notice the "' and was going to comment on it. I'd never heard of doing it that way. I'll have to check it out for my own novel. Thank you for sharing a new way of doing things.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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It's only used when you have someone telling a story that is extended, and there are quotes within the stories. When I originally published it, the editors didn't do it that way, but, then they did a horrible job of editing, and so I bought my rights back and am rewriting it! I'll figure it all out before publishing again.
Thanks so much,
Rhonda
Comment from MTF1955
Another wonderful chapter. I love the spunk and resourcefulness of the gang. The dialogue is spot on. Clever writing as always. Great job. Mary
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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Another wonderful chapter. I love the spunk and resourcefulness of the gang. The dialogue is spot on. Clever writing as always. Great job. Mary
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Mary. I am so glad you are keeping up with the story. I really appreciate your viewpoint on the chapters.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from royowen
Sally, having escaped the clutches of Akie slides down a chute with her trusty cat Sage, cat extraordinaire at her side, screeching as she goes, at the bottom meets Kith and Jason who have also been kidnapped, along with street kids. They start to hatch a strike back plan. Well done Rhonda, a great episode,
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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Sally, having escaped the clutches of Akie slides down a chute with her trusty cat Sage, cat extraordinaire at her side, screeching as she goes, at the bottom meets Kith and Jason who have also been kidnapped, along with street kids. They start to hatch a strike back plan. Well done Rhonda, a great episode,
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Roy, you've done a great job of summarizing the action. I love the depiction of Sage as a cat extraordinaire! I'll have to remember that!
Thanks again, for your continual support,
Rhonda
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Most welcome, Rhonda scribe on.
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Thank you!!
