The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Kith and Jason"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
27 total reviews
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
Hi I'm just enjoying a quick catch up with this twisting, turning adventure, and I really like little Sally with her quite amazing maturity.
But I'm more confused than ever with the apostrophes; which I know you've explained.
In particular, the two apostrophes beginning descriptive pieces as in the first paragraph below; and then the 3-1 in the first Kith statements below, but 3-1 1-1 in the second.
(Not that I can see myself ever using such complexity, but I'm puzzled).
*&*
"Sage, who now rested on top of a package, purred and stretched lazily. You could barely tell she had just undergone a traumatic tube drop, which was exactly the look she was going for. She glanced casually at the boys through shaded eyes. The younger boy reached around his brother and patted her on the head. She graced him with the tiniest flick of her rough tongue on his hand.
"'I'm Kith,' the older one said,'"and this is my little brother, Jason.'
"Jason, a smaller and blonde-headed version of his brother, looked at us shyly.
"'So,' Kith said. 'You came through the food shaft...'
"'Yeah.'
"'Why?'
"'It's a long story.'
*&*
A great story, and Sunday read, Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Hi I'm just enjoying a quick catch up with this twisting, turning adventure, and I really like little Sally with her quite amazing maturity.
But I'm more confused than ever with the apostrophes; which I know you've explained.
In particular, the two apostrophes beginning descriptive pieces as in the first paragraph below; and then the 3-1 in the first Kith statements below, but 3-1 1-1 in the second.
(Not that I can see myself ever using such complexity, but I'm puzzled).
*&*
"Sage, who now rested on top of a package, purred and stretched lazily. You could barely tell she had just undergone a traumatic tube drop, which was exactly the look she was going for. She glanced casually at the boys through shaded eyes. The younger boy reached around his brother and patted her on the head. She graced him with the tiniest flick of her rough tongue on his hand.
"'I'm Kith,' the older one said,'"and this is my little brother, Jason.'
"Jason, a smaller and blonde-headed version of his brother, looked at us shyly.
"'So,' Kith said. 'You came through the food shaft...'
"'Yeah.'
"'Why?'
"'It's a long story.'
*&*
A great story, and Sunday read, Maureen*&*
Comment Written 25-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2016
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Wow, three chapters!!! Thank you, dear friend!
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Yes! It was miss out, or enjoy, and glad to have made it. Blessings Rhonda, times three. Enjoy the week, Maureen*&*
Oh! I'm happy you've had your fill of quotes too. Great work trying!
Comment from boxergirl
Great job with the continuation of your storyline, Rhonda. I like the addition of Kith and Jason...I think they are going to be a big help with their inside information. :-)
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2016
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Great job with the continuation of your storyline, Rhonda. I like the addition of Kith and Jason...I think they are going to be a big help with their inside information. :-)
Comment Written 20-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2016
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Thanks so much. Yes, Kith and Jason have a further part in all this, as well as attempting to get away as well. DDG's always work better when they don't have to work alone!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from fafa
I must admit that the recognition that hasthis work is deserved without doubts, veryparticular one has had visits andcomments, greetings writer parce to beyou very well
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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I must admit that the recognition that hasthis work is deserved without doubts, veryparticular one has had visits andcomments, greetings writer parce to beyou very well
Comment Written 18-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Thank you, fafa, for stopping by to check out my work. I look forward to hearing from you in the future,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Lovely artwork.
-A very good chapter with the introduction of new characters and the knowledge they have to share.
-Sally used quick thinking in remembering Bruce talking about a trap door, and down the chute she and Sage went!
-This is when she meets Kith and Jason. They were taken right from their backyard, so were fortunate enough to have parents who cared, as Sally informed them.
-They have several good bits of information regarding the passage of time, and listening through the vents.
-The brothers, Sally, and Sage get to know one another, share ideas, and try to come up with a plan.
-We also learn that Mike Holly doesn't like anything representing modern times, like Akie's key.
-It sounds like it is going to be "Sage to the rescue!"
-It will be interesting to see how special Sage is.
-One very minor thing: " Of course Sage didn't reply," [Of course, Sage didn't]
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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-Lovely artwork.
-A very good chapter with the introduction of new characters and the knowledge they have to share.
-Sally used quick thinking in remembering Bruce talking about a trap door, and down the chute she and Sage went!
-This is when she meets Kith and Jason. They were taken right from their backyard, so were fortunate enough to have parents who cared, as Sally informed them.
-They have several good bits of information regarding the passage of time, and listening through the vents.
-The brothers, Sally, and Sage get to know one another, share ideas, and try to come up with a plan.
-We also learn that Mike Holly doesn't like anything representing modern times, like Akie's key.
-It sounds like it is going to be "Sage to the rescue!"
-It will be interesting to see how special Sage is.
-One very minor thing: " Of course Sage didn't reply," [Of course, Sage didn't]
Comment Written 18-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Thank you for the beautiful six star review, and the wonderfully detailed analysis. Sage is fast in the mix here, and still has a few roles to play. She will have help from the others, though. lol!
Mike isn't so against modern days as he is adamant about following all the rules for reanimation. Apparently there's a lot of pomp and circumstance involved, or something like that.
Thanks again, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
This is a fine chapter, as the plot thickens
or should I say, as the stew thickens
since they'll all in a bit of a stew
I imagine by this time any spags have already been cleaned up
I didn't notice anything to change.
Fortunately, Sage is a "special" kitten
I'm not quite sure about the time shift
according to Sally's watch, time moves slower down below
But Kith says they were taken a year ago,
and Sally says only a month has passed up top
But, that aside, the story moves along well
and it seems Sage will prove to be aptly named
Very good chapter, go Sage!
Good message to kids about not trusting strangers.
No sixes left
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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This is a fine chapter, as the plot thickens
or should I say, as the stew thickens
since they'll all in a bit of a stew
I imagine by this time any spags have already been cleaned up
I didn't notice anything to change.
Fortunately, Sage is a "special" kitten
I'm not quite sure about the time shift
according to Sally's watch, time moves slower down below
But Kith says they were taken a year ago,
and Sally says only a month has passed up top
But, that aside, the story moves along well
and it seems Sage will prove to be aptly named
Very good chapter, go Sage!
Good message to kids about not trusting strangers.
No sixes left
Comment Written 18-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Hmmm, okay, I did get that backwards, didn't I (the time thing, my apologies to Dr. Who). I'll fix it, thanks!!
Pretty much most of the spag is fixed, but another reviewer (you may know) found a comma error. Those silly commas get me every time!
Thanks so much, Sage thanks you, too!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Rhonda,
Lovely piece in continuation, having impressive wording, smooth and captivating flow throughout from top to bottom!
The story moves on forward in a very interesting way, and leaves the reader at the last sentences waiting for the next steps of Sage.
Laudable Indeed!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
Lovely piece in continuation, having impressive wording, smooth and captivating flow throughout from top to bottom!
The story moves on forward in a very interesting way, and leaves the reader at the last sentences waiting for the next steps of Sage.
Laudable Indeed!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for your beautiful six star review, my friend. It is both welcome and celebrated!
Thank you, also, for telling me the parts that you like, because that helps me form the next chapters.
Have a great Sunday,
Rhonda
Comment from seaglass
And hopefully Sage is special enough to understand her mission. She must have been enchanted by the previous owner, the witch. It'll be interesting to see if they meet someone who has be reincarnated other than the tour guide of if it's a procedure that doesn't work as planned.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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And hopefully Sage is special enough to understand her mission. She must have been enchanted by the previous owner, the witch. It'll be interesting to see if they meet someone who has be reincarnated other than the tour guide of if it's a procedure that doesn't work as planned.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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There are definitely others, and Tabby is definitely in a bad way at the moment. We'll see if the enchanted cat can earn her kitty chow.
Thanks for keeping up and for remembering where Sage came from originally! Gold star for you!
Have a great Sunday,
Rhonda
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Rhonda.
My reading attention-spell is not up to giving an honest detailed review, but as you're always supportive of my stuff, I thought I'd pop by and have a quick scan through.
You start this chapter with an attention-grabber entry that paints the picture well and promises drama and surprises.
Dialogue always adds interest and reality to a story, and it also developes the characters and adds imagery - your write has all those attributes.
I was particularly impressed with your economy of boring, 'I said/she said', speech tags, and instead you make it obvious who is speaking. Maybe add a little action/imagery as well, but it's honestly excellent as it is, and your writing skill creates loads of detailed/interesting imagery, anyway.
I hope that's of some use and encouragement, though I'm sure no prose expert.
Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Hi, Rhonda.
My reading attention-spell is not up to giving an honest detailed review, but as you're always supportive of my stuff, I thought I'd pop by and have a quick scan through.
You start this chapter with an attention-grabber entry that paints the picture well and promises drama and surprises.
Dialogue always adds interest and reality to a story, and it also developes the characters and adds imagery - your write has all those attributes.
I was particularly impressed with your economy of boring, 'I said/she said', speech tags, and instead you make it obvious who is speaking. Maybe add a little action/imagery as well, but it's honestly excellent as it is, and your writing skill creates loads of detailed/interesting imagery, anyway.
I hope that's of some use and encouragement, though I'm sure no prose expert.
Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 18-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Ray. You were very helpful, and I appreciate the point of view of poets. Prose should have a poetic quality to them, and it's one reason I took last year to explore it. I feel it's helped me.
I'm glad you mentioned description, which is definitely something I need to work on. I get too caught up in the story, plus, people on this site tend to respond to shorter passages and more action. I can always go back and add it in before publishing, but, still, need to be more aware of a few sentences here and there sufficing to set the stage. Again, something poetry is helpful with.
I am, also, working on the speech tags, something that has improved since I first started posting these chapters. Thanks sooo much for taking the time to leave your comfort zone, and enter mine. I'll try to post poetry this summer, too!
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, a very good chapter and also very well written. The dialogue really keeps it going. So what can Sally do? That we are still to see, but it appears she's got some helpers.
'Do you know if there's there a way into to the lower level ... delete 'there'
'And you know this how?' = And how do you know this?'
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2016
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Hi Rhonda, a very good chapter and also very well written. The dialogue really keeps it going. So what can Sally do? That we are still to see, but it appears she's got some helpers.
'Do you know if there's there a way into to the lower level ... delete 'there'
'And you know this how?' = And how do you know this?'
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 17-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2016
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The know this how part was intended slang. I'll put a comma in and it will make more sense, to American readers, anyway. Thanks for noticing the double there! Thanks you for the wonderful review,
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
Who has that kind of time when in danger? - extra space after who
A fantastic chapter, Rhonda! I love all the attention to detail, the time differences, etc. I love the line about hoping that creepy pyramids and cat screams go together. Can't wait for the next chapter. Hope the cat is able to get the key.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2016
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Who has that kind of time when in danger? - extra space after who
A fantastic chapter, Rhonda! I love all the attention to detail, the time differences, etc. I love the line about hoping that creepy pyramids and cat screams go together. Can't wait for the next chapter. Hope the cat is able to get the key.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Melissa, for your review and support. Thank you for pointing out what you liked, and for the mess ups. That was actually a part I revised after writing it, so I'm not surprised I messed it up. I'll fix it right away.
Rhonda
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You're welcome.
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You're welcome.
