Deception
Flash Fiction Contest57 total reviews
Comment from Ann Dudley Duncan
I must say I really enjoyed your story, fabulous. What did it for me was
finding that Christian was alive and what he was up to. There was one
small detail that bother me but very insignificant. When Isabel was ready to go with the Police, they said "Okay, let's go." which I thought
was a bit cold. Wouldn't the police have had a little more compassion
under the circumstances? "Okay, let's go" sounds like they are arresting her? Anyway, just a small thing but it stuck in my head!
Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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I must say I really enjoyed your story, fabulous. What did it for me was
finding that Christian was alive and what he was up to. There was one
small detail that bother me but very insignificant. When Isabel was ready to go with the Police, they said "Okay, let's go." which I thought
was a bit cold. Wouldn't the police have had a little more compassion
under the circumstances? "Okay, let's go" sounds like they are arresting her? Anyway, just a small thing but it stuck in my head!
Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 13-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Ann, thank you so very much and for your wonderful rating. I'm so pleased that you like it. It has really made my day. The 'Okay lets go' I see it being Isabel saying that to the police after she comes out from the bathroom. But I see that it could be understood as if it it was the police,and then I agree that it could come across a little bit cold. I'll have a look into it. Thanks a lot again. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Ah see what you mean but even Lisa wouldn't sound like that would she? I mean her husband supposedly dead? She surely wouldn't be so nonchalant? Ann
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how I see it, is that she is pulling herself together just wanting this horrible task over and done with. And then be able to deal with the whole situation. I hope that makes it a little clearer. Thanks so much for caring about my story. Ulla:)))
Comment from TDWriter
Wow, I was hurting for her till I read that the a-hole was in a place on a way to a new life and rejoicing in her grief! Well done. I never seen that coming. So few words and so much said. I hope you did/do well in the contest. I loved it anyway.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Wow, I was hurting for her till I read that the a-hole was in a place on a way to a new life and rejoicing in her grief! Well done. I never seen that coming. So few words and so much said. I hope you did/do well in the contest. I loved it anyway.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Thanks a lot for your great review. I'm so glad that you liked it. So far my story is doing okay, but still a couple of days left. All the best. Ulla:)
Comment from schatzling
Your writing ended much too soon. I could have read an entire books length of writing from you.....AS A SIDE NOTE: I think you will publish a book in your lifetime...One for certain....maybe even more than one......You did an excellent job writing this piece. You had my interest the entire time. You utilized vocabulary that didn't have to be looked up every few minutes in a dictionary,,,,you kept it interesting and it flowed perfectly. I am ready to read part two of this story....Have you thought about writing your book beginning with this as your first chapter? If so, let me know because I will be the first to purchase it from you at your first book signing. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Your writing ended much too soon. I could have read an entire books length of writing from you.....AS A SIDE NOTE: I think you will publish a book in your lifetime...One for certain....maybe even more than one......You did an excellent job writing this piece. You had my interest the entire time. You utilized vocabulary that didn't have to be looked up every few minutes in a dictionary,,,,you kept it interesting and it flowed perfectly. I am ready to read part two of this story....Have you thought about writing your book beginning with this as your first chapter? If so, let me know because I will be the first to purchase it from you at your first book signing. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Awwww, thanks ever so much for this lovely review and all your praise. It means so much to me and you've made my day. I will admit that when I wrote this it did occur to me that this could turn into a novel. We'll see. Thanks again for the great encouragement. All the best. Ulla:)))
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You are more than welcome.
Well deserved.
AND YES a book indeed....I will be waiting patiently (smile)!!!!!
Comment from dmt1967
' Well, (she thought,) she'd better get a move on to be ready for Christian to come home.' (Delete) put sentence in italics as this gives the reader an insight into the characters self-consciousness.
'She swung her legs out of bed, (and was just about to stand) I would write... (and began to stand...)
She (then) went back into the living room, where the two uniforms were waiting. (Delete)
This is a good story and thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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' Well, (she thought,) she'd better get a move on to be ready for Christian to come home.' (Delete) put sentence in italics as this gives the reader an insight into the characters self-consciousness.
'She swung her legs out of bed, (and was just about to stand) I would write... (and began to stand...)
She (then) went back into the living room, where the two uniforms were waiting. (Delete)
This is a good story and thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Comment from Dawn Munro
I wonder ow often such things really do happen...
Yes, this is a highly believable story, except I would have liked to see more reaction from the wife at being told her husband had been killed in car accident (weak knees, need to sit down, etc.) She would likely also show signs of grief at the morgue, since you've not yet given any indication this was not a happy marriage. In fact, you have her 'not sleeping well without Christian', yes?
"He lifted his glass in ...." - here I would say in celebration, not in congratulation.
Very good description to anchor the scenes, and strong narrative, powerful dialogue.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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I wonder ow often such things really do happen...
Yes, this is a highly believable story, except I would have liked to see more reaction from the wife at being told her husband had been killed in car accident (weak knees, need to sit down, etc.) She would likely also show signs of grief at the morgue, since you've not yet given any indication this was not a happy marriage. In fact, you have her 'not sleeping well without Christian', yes?
"He lifted his glass in ...." - here I would say in celebration, not in congratulation.
Very good description to anchor the scenes, and strong narrative, powerful dialogue.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Dawn, thanks a lot for this. I see what you mean and I have made some changes within the word limit. I do hope it reads better now. And I have also changed to celebration. I think something like this story do happen and it will never be known. I'm glad you liked the story. All the best. Ulla:)))
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You're very welcome, Ulla - best of luck. :)
Comment from Zue65
Wow, what a twist at the end of your flash fiction, which only confirmed the truth that crime no matter how covert or hidden will be uncovered and that crime does pay. I enjoyed this excellent story tremendously. God bless.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Wow, what a twist at the end of your flash fiction, which only confirmed the truth that crime no matter how covert or hidden will be uncovered and that crime does pay. I enjoyed this excellent story tremendously. God bless.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Thanks very much. I am so pleased that you liked it. Yeah crime doesn't pay. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from abbasjoy
The thing is this could be such a real situation, because we do read about this kind of thing happening quite often in real life.
There was no indication that this marriage was anything but harmonious, by the response Isabel had when she got the news from the police. This is a huge shock to her.
I realized because it was flash fiction, there would be a twist. Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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The thing is this could be such a real situation, because we do read about this kind of thing happening quite often in real life.
There was no indication that this marriage was anything but harmonious, by the response Isabel had when she got the news from the police. This is a huge shock to her.
I realized because it was flash fiction, there would be a twist. Well done.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for this great review. It means such a lot to me. You made my day. Yeah, I do believe it happens in real life. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from cumulus365
A well thought out plot, and you met the six-word flash fiction rule in which you incorporated appropriately. Definitely a deceptive ploy that the husband successfully achieved. Your short story has the five elements of story writing. I enjoyed the plot and the climax of the story. Best.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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A well thought out plot, and you met the six-word flash fiction rule in which you incorporated appropriately. Definitely a deceptive ploy that the husband successfully achieved. Your short story has the five elements of story writing. I enjoyed the plot and the climax of the story. Best.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Thank you so very much for this great review. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)
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Hi Ulla, You are welcome. You keep on writing. Best regards.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
This is a good attempt, Ulla - flash fiction is not easy to do. Good story with a nice twist and an ending that leaves all kinds of options in the reader's mind.
With respect, I did find it wordy. I've taken the liberty of doing some snipping and tightening. See what you think, and of course feel free to apply or ignore my suggestions. A few punctuation and other minor SPaG issues too - nothing major.
Isabel (awoke) from a disturbed sleep. She'd (hoped) for a good night's rest, but()never slept well when Christian was not at home. This time had been worse than (usual), though. She'd tossed and turned all night(,) falling into an uneasy sleep in the end.
(E)arly morning light spilled into the bedroom(,) giving the walls a soft sheen. As Isabel slowly woke up, she marvelled at the antique furniture(,) which always reminded her of her aunt.
she'd better get a move on to be ready for Christian to come () home.
She swung her legs out of () bed, and was just about to stand when the doorbell rang().
She (tugged/pulled/yanked) on a pair of leggings, - if possible, try to used an active verb rather than an adverb.
a cheap everyday t-shirt(,) and ()hurried down the stairs.
Now()she was fully awake, with all thought of breakfast forgotten.- delete comma
"Mrs Morrison, may we come in, please, rather than stand out here(?) - insert question mark.
Isabel looked down at the face, and a surge of relief went through her. With tears in her eyes, she turned towards the police. "But ... but this is not my husband!" - Oh, great twist!! Way to keep the reader glued, Ulla
Meanwhile(,) thirty-five thousand feet above ground(,) Christian gazed down on to the Pacific.
Hope this helps!
Hugs,
Av
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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This is a good attempt, Ulla - flash fiction is not easy to do. Good story with a nice twist and an ending that leaves all kinds of options in the reader's mind.
With respect, I did find it wordy. I've taken the liberty of doing some snipping and tightening. See what you think, and of course feel free to apply or ignore my suggestions. A few punctuation and other minor SPaG issues too - nothing major.
Isabel (awoke) from a disturbed sleep. She'd (hoped) for a good night's rest, but()never slept well when Christian was not at home. This time had been worse than (usual), though. She'd tossed and turned all night(,) falling into an uneasy sleep in the end.
(E)arly morning light spilled into the bedroom(,) giving the walls a soft sheen. As Isabel slowly woke up, she marvelled at the antique furniture(,) which always reminded her of her aunt.
she'd better get a move on to be ready for Christian to come () home.
She swung her legs out of () bed, and was just about to stand when the doorbell rang().
She (tugged/pulled/yanked) on a pair of leggings, - if possible, try to used an active verb rather than an adverb.
a cheap everyday t-shirt(,) and ()hurried down the stairs.
Now()she was fully awake, with all thought of breakfast forgotten.- delete comma
"Mrs Morrison, may we come in, please, rather than stand out here(?) - insert question mark.
Isabel looked down at the face, and a surge of relief went through her. With tears in her eyes, she turned towards the police. "But ... but this is not my husband!" - Oh, great twist!! Way to keep the reader glued, Ulla
Meanwhile(,) thirty-five thousand feet above ground(,) Christian gazed down on to the Pacific.
Hope this helps!
Hugs,
Av
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Hi Av, first of all thanks a lot for the review and pointing out all the spags. I see what you mean with the excess wording. I've taken you up on your suggestions and changed the writing and made all the other corrections. I do hope it reads better now. This is such a learrning curve for me, and sometimes I do struggle. I wonder if I will ever get it right. Probably not. Difficult when it's not your first language. I so appriciate all your help and I've made mental notes. Hugs. Ulla:)))
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You already get it right, Ulla. This was a tough prompt. Don't ever doubt your talent and don't lose your determination. xx
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Thanks for those words.xx
Comment from Ric Myworld
I guess, in truth, we have all wanted to run away and to never be seen again at times. Although, I would bet that more times than not, those who run away sometimes reach a point where they think about the old times and wish to go back. Thanks for another fine read. :-)
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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I guess, in truth, we have all wanted to run away and to never be seen again at times. Although, I would bet that more times than not, those who run away sometimes reach a point where they think about the old times and wish to go back. Thanks for another fine read. :-)
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much Ric. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
