Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Raspberry Jelly (831 words)"Five Stories of Life
28 total reviews
Comment from Aussie
Good luck with your contest entry; never could understand what you eat as far as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Yuk! I know they are well liked in the States. Domestic violence is on the rise in Oz - guess it's no different where you hail from. These brutes never change (except in mood swings) some women keep going back to them. We have five women murdered last month, all through domestic violence. A well written entry for the contest. Blessings, K.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Good luck with your contest entry; never could understand what you eat as far as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Yuk! I know they are well liked in the States. Domestic violence is on the rise in Oz - guess it's no different where you hail from. These brutes never change (except in mood swings) some women keep going back to them. We have five women murdered last month, all through domestic violence. A well written entry for the contest. Blessings, K.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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thank you so much. I enjoyed writing it. Having been in that situation helped me write the dialogue. There is this myth that angry men can't control it. But they do at work and other places, it is only when they think they have to prove superiority that they resort to abuse. It took six years before I picked myself up and left. If I would have stayed I might have snapped like the woman in my story. I love that you read my writing.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a very good entry into the competition. The dialogue only framework works exceptionally well in this instance.
Great bringing it home at the end too.
"What happened next?'- different forms of opening and closing speech marks - should be the same.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Hi there,
This is a very good entry into the competition. The dialogue only framework works exceptionally well in this instance.
Great bringing it home at the end too.
"What happened next?'- different forms of opening and closing speech marks - should be the same.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much. I knew you would find one place where I did the punctuation wrong. THat is why I Love you.
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That's why they pay me the fake money...
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Judy
What an excellent story for the contest. Perfectly presented with no suggestions for spag as it all seems immaculate to me. You create intrigue, the tension of ten years just trying to make it better. The final snap as the woman realises the truth. I do understand the years of forgiving, I did it myself for five years, then decided to let him be responsible for his own anger. It was a changing point... or so I convinced myself. It took me twenty years, and after he left ... well let's say the gun laws in Australia are a good thing, though a more tortuous ending might have been my way. No laughing matter, domestic abuse is still rife despite the continuing awareness, and some compassion. I know back in the day, I would never have revealed my abuse, or even acknowledged it to myself. I thought it was the mistake I made, marriage was forever and I made the best of it. That dinner party sums up my social (out-of-doors) life with this man ... we never know what exists behind closed doors. Straight forward, real dialogue. I like the inferred way of representing the violence, almost as though the wife was resisting her own 'knowing', which is exactly what she was doing. I guess hers was sort of spur of the moment in her anger of realisation ... he could control himself after all. Many others, are really a last and only choice in self-defence, even thought the law does not necessarily see it this way. Some men are relentless in their violence, so dangerous, yet can charm the lawyer or the judge, or even if obvious, we still want to shove it under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist. Desperate indeed, sometimes the only way out, yet jailed as a consequence. So much needs to change. You prove an excellent 'voice' for social commentary on this awful subject. Well done. I wish you the best of luck in this contest. Warmest hugs - Lovi xoxo
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Hi Judy
What an excellent story for the contest. Perfectly presented with no suggestions for spag as it all seems immaculate to me. You create intrigue, the tension of ten years just trying to make it better. The final snap as the woman realises the truth. I do understand the years of forgiving, I did it myself for five years, then decided to let him be responsible for his own anger. It was a changing point... or so I convinced myself. It took me twenty years, and after he left ... well let's say the gun laws in Australia are a good thing, though a more tortuous ending might have been my way. No laughing matter, domestic abuse is still rife despite the continuing awareness, and some compassion. I know back in the day, I would never have revealed my abuse, or even acknowledged it to myself. I thought it was the mistake I made, marriage was forever and I made the best of it. That dinner party sums up my social (out-of-doors) life with this man ... we never know what exists behind closed doors. Straight forward, real dialogue. I like the inferred way of representing the violence, almost as though the wife was resisting her own 'knowing', which is exactly what she was doing. I guess hers was sort of spur of the moment in her anger of realisation ... he could control himself after all. Many others, are really a last and only choice in self-defence, even thought the law does not necessarily see it this way. Some men are relentless in their violence, so dangerous, yet can charm the lawyer or the judge, or even if obvious, we still want to shove it under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist. Desperate indeed, sometimes the only way out, yet jailed as a consequence. So much needs to change. You prove an excellent 'voice' for social commentary on this awful subject. Well done. I wish you the best of luck in this contest. Warmest hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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I too lived this life for six years. I think that is why the dialogue rings true. That realization that he could control his anger, he just didn't was what finally got me to put him in jail and leave with the kids. I had left a few times before but this time was different. It was so refreshing being truly on my own. I moved about ninety miles away. Aren't you glad we are who we are now. I have written more on this subject including the Forgiveness Rainbow and the Response from my oldest son who lived through it. We are still learning. Have you written about it? I would love to know what you lived through? I am sure I will understand.
Comment from Spitfire
An old story but you tell it so well using strong dialogue.
No wasted words. We get inside the head of this woman and understand her thinking. Excellent character arc with her reaction at last to his charm at the dinner table. She controlled her temper just as he did his. The last two sentences imply she has gone off the deep end.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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An old story but you tell it so well using strong dialogue.
No wasted words. We get inside the head of this woman and understand her thinking. Excellent character arc with her reaction at last to his charm at the dinner table. She controlled her temper just as he did his. The last two sentences imply she has gone off the deep end.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Yep, I think she did finally break. You are right she does lose it at the end. I enjoyed writing this. I am starting to really like flash fiction.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Judy. This is a well-sculpted flash fiction story. The plot is good and the conclusion is stellar. I thought the decision to kill the husband was rather rushed but you can only do what you can in a story like this with a word limit.
Suggestions. You have your tenses mixed up. When telling any story always stay in either past or present tense, but don't mix the two. Like here:
"He said that I'm not good enough." (said is past tense....already done)
"Go on," the psychologist says. (says is present tense..being done)
Good job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Hi, Judy. This is a well-sculpted flash fiction story. The plot is good and the conclusion is stellar. I thought the decision to kill the husband was rather rushed but you can only do what you can in a story like this with a word limit.
Suggestions. You have your tenses mixed up. When telling any story always stay in either past or present tense, but don't mix the two. Like here:
"He said that I'm not good enough." (said is past tense....already done)
"Go on," the psychologist says. (says is present tense..being done)
Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Thank you Bob, question for you. Since she is being interviewed after he is dead should she be talking of him in the past of the present. I so appreciate everything you tell me.
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All in the past, Judy.
He said that I'm wasn't good enough."
"Go on," the psychologist said.
Comment from isabellealina
Great piece of writing, the rest of the world seemed to freeze as I read this. I really relate to the motives of the female speaker: the way in which her experiences and feelings are described is powerful.
Good luck in the competition!
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Great piece of writing, the rest of the world seemed to freeze as I read this. I really relate to the motives of the female speaker: the way in which her experiences and feelings are described is powerful.
Good luck in the competition!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much. What a wonderful compliment . The rest of the world seemed to freeze. I will always cherish that comment.
Comment from LIJ Red
Homemade raspberry jelly. Here I go on a memory trip. Dewberries made the best jam. Grape was better with some crabapple added. Daddy's in the boneyard, mommy's in the pen. Excellent writing.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Homemade raspberry jelly. Here I go on a memory trip. Dewberries made the best jam. Grape was better with some crabapple added. Daddy's in the boneyard, mommy's in the pen. Excellent writing.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Enjoyed your little ditty. Daddy' s in the boneyard, mommy's in the pen . Lol thank you for that bit of humor. thank you red.
Comment from foxangie123
Good one Hun. People stay because they are afraid of giving up something, good or bad, and find worse on the other side. Great writing. Very entertaining. They know nothing else so how can they see that which is greater. Evil people are dark. Bravo.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Good one Hun. People stay because they are afraid of giving up something, good or bad, and find worse on the other side. Great writing. Very entertaining. They know nothing else so how can they see that which is greater. Evil people are dark. Bravo.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much. I am enjoying all of these challenges.
Comment from P1
so many women and men are living like this
it amazes me how people can be to two faced
street angels house devils my aunt used to call them
you used the words very well and told a great
story good luck
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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so many women and men are living like this
it amazes me how people can be to two faced
street angels house devils my aunt used to call them
you used the words very well and told a great
story good luck
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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thank you so much. Sometimes there is truth in fiction.
Comment from sage17611
You are such a good writer Jusylee. I know that your story is fiction but the story and the theme are reality based, and the way you tell the story is very convincing. There has been incidents where the abused spouse which is usually the wife, has killed her husband out of frustration and fear. You did a good job incorporating the required words for this writing prompt. Your story has a good flow, and interestingly holds the reader's attention to the end. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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You are such a good writer Jusylee. I know that your story is fiction but the story and the theme are reality based, and the way you tell the story is very convincing. There has been incidents where the abused spouse which is usually the wife, has killed her husband out of frustration and fear. You did a good job incorporating the required words for this writing prompt. Your story has a good flow, and interestingly holds the reader's attention to the end. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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thank you sage, unfortunately everything you say is true. I lived like that for years so when I write even fiction some of the lines are true. I have a wonderful life now. The day I realized he had a choice to react differently he just wouldn't is the day I left him. I did however remember a night when I understood why some women kill their husbands. Thank God I woke up before crossing that line.
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I'm glad you walked away from that situation, a lot of women are not strong enough to leave. Thank God you didn't cross the line, because rats like that are not worth you losing your life as well. Kudos to you!
