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Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Jo Jo's Ride"These are fictional character sketches.
2 total reviews
Comment from ssharrer
First and foremost, kudos for an inspiring eulogy to what is obviously a tragic and heartbreaking event. I really want to do justice to your marvelous memorial here.
I like the structure first, as I'm a fan of the 4-line stanza approach. It gives the chance to finish a thought well.
There's a number of good lines here that pack lots of information into them, such as "love the feel of home" paired with "seek the stars". I like how it conveys the combination of what a parent grows now and what they plant for later. Additionally, the irony of having life cut short in length and lacking details on the beginning so that your memories are strictly in the middle gives emphasis to how much we must value the days we have.
Great impact emotionally, covering a life from beginning to end in just 16 lines.
As to a few improvements from my standpoint, some of the lines have meters which could sync better. I'd also love to see a little more rhyme to it, such as the 1st and 3rd verses, just to create a little more elegance. A few lines leave us with questions that a few more verses would enlighten us with, such as how JoJo actually arrived, what age, and so forth.
But this is not so much right vs wrong as preferences on my part.
On the whole, a poem of great honor to your son, who regardless of his arrival, was clearly yours.
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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First and foremost, kudos for an inspiring eulogy to what is obviously a tragic and heartbreaking event. I really want to do justice to your marvelous memorial here.
I like the structure first, as I'm a fan of the 4-line stanza approach. It gives the chance to finish a thought well.
There's a number of good lines here that pack lots of information into them, such as "love the feel of home" paired with "seek the stars". I like how it conveys the combination of what a parent grows now and what they plant for later. Additionally, the irony of having life cut short in length and lacking details on the beginning so that your memories are strictly in the middle gives emphasis to how much we must value the days we have.
Great impact emotionally, covering a life from beginning to end in just 16 lines.
As to a few improvements from my standpoint, some of the lines have meters which could sync better. I'd also love to see a little more rhyme to it, such as the 1st and 3rd verses, just to create a little more elegance. A few lines leave us with questions that a few more verses would enlighten us with, such as how JoJo actually arrived, what age, and so forth.
But this is not so much right vs wrong as preferences on my part.
On the whole, a poem of great honor to your son, who regardless of his arrival, was clearly yours.
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Thank you for your kind and expansive review. I wanted this to be brief, but whole, with enough information to create the tip of the iceberg. I tried for exact iambic meter, but settled for the occasional extra syllable to make it flow better.
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Well done, my friend...I recognize some thoughts amount to mere preferences and I certainly don't have your context. Just hope to be helpful..
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Well done, my friend...I recognize some thoughts amount to mere preferences and I certainly don't have your context. Just hope to be helpful..
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Well done, my friend...I recognize some thoughts amount to mere preferences and I certainly don't have your context. Just hope to be helpful..
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Well done, my friend...I recognize some thoughts amount to mere preferences and I certainly don't have your context. Just hope to be helpful..
Comment from humpwhistle
A 50s boy, I can relate to the magnetism of a car
to a boy. I was more urban than rural, but I expect
that didn't matter much. Being a foundling, though,
might have given Jo Jo additional pride when he'd obtained
his first car.
You leave the ending vague. But I think I parse his thoughts.
Tragedies can't not be explained.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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A 50s boy, I can relate to the magnetism of a car
to a boy. I was more urban than rural, but I expect
that didn't matter much. Being a foundling, though,
might have given Jo Jo additional pride when he'd obtained
his first car.
You leave the ending vague. But I think I parse his thoughts.
Tragedies can't not be explained.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Thank you, Lee, for the excellent review. I thought to add another stanza to put a finer point on it, but chose not to. Bill
