Friends
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Three Old Friends. Part One"Friends sharing their lives.
60 total reviews
Comment from jpduck
This is a wonderful opening chapter: it says so much about the three women without seeming to.
You have developed a most accomplished voice in your recent writing. I am so impressed, particularly as English is not your first language.
Apart from the one SPAG, my two comments/suggestions below are addressing two fine points for you to consider and decide.
'they had ended up disliking each other so much that it did border on hate' (I'm going to suggest that you change 'did border' to 'bordered'. The reinforcing 'did' implies that your are confirming something previously hinted at -- not so, in this case).
'She'd always been slim and her well*-*proportioned figure hadn't let her down'
'[If you could bring me] a glass of dry white wine while I'm waiting would be great' (What this sentence is actually saying would be happening while she waited was James bringing the wine. But what you intend is that Audrey would be drinking the wine while she waited. The simplest solution is to delete 'If you could bring me', which isn't really needed anyway).
Adrian
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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This is a wonderful opening chapter: it says so much about the three women without seeming to.
You have developed a most accomplished voice in your recent writing. I am so impressed, particularly as English is not your first language.
Apart from the one SPAG, my two comments/suggestions below are addressing two fine points for you to consider and decide.
'they had ended up disliking each other so much that it did border on hate' (I'm going to suggest that you change 'did border' to 'bordered'. The reinforcing 'did' implies that your are confirming something previously hinted at -- not so, in this case).
'She'd always been slim and her well*-*proportioned figure hadn't let her down'
'[If you could bring me] a glass of dry white wine while I'm waiting would be great' (What this sentence is actually saying would be happening while she waited was James bringing the wine. But what you intend is that Audrey would be drinking the wine while she waited. The simplest solution is to delete 'If you could bring me', which isn't really needed anyway).
Adrian
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Hi Adrian, thank you so very much. I am so very pleased with your praise. It makes me a very happy person not to mention the six as well. You are so right and I have changed to what you've suggested. It reads correct now. The hyphen is added. I actually didn't realise that mistake. I'm learning all the time. This was a lovely birtday present for me. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:)))
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You're welcome. Many happy returns of the day.
Adrian
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Thanks very much. Ulla:)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
You've really got me curious, about as curious as Susan and Marjory. Why all the fuss? What's Audrey up to with this lunch invitation? Hurry and write the next part! :)
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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You've really got me curious, about as curious as Susan and Marjory. Why all the fuss? What's Audrey up to with this lunch invitation? Hurry and write the next part! :)
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Hi Phyllis, Thanks so much for this great review. Yeah, what is she up to? All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= You're off to a great start with this story.
= I can already see the wheels churning in Audrey's head.
= Looking forward to reading along.
=> Delete comma.
=> Comma before/after =IF= direct address.
= The writing that spelled out her name and address[,] was written in a neat hand.
= Three miles away, Marjory[,] almost mimicked Susan.
= That decided, Marjory[,] put the card to one
= Audrey[,] lifted her glass saluting the table. The scene was set.
=> Delete second period.
Susan turned the card over but there was no more.[.]
=> Suggest deleting one =Audrey= so close together.
=> Suggest deleting superfluous wording =now=
Audrey! What on earth did [Audrey](she) want [now] after all these years?
=> Edit out redundancy, because you already said in the beginning that she was doing what Susan had done, so don't need the second = like Susan.
=> Added needed comma.
=YOURS=
Like Susan, she stood by her lovely bay window reading the silver lined card in her hand, and like Susan she turned it over, but there was nothing more.
=SUGGEST
Like Susan, she stood by her lovely bay window, read the silver lined card in her hand, and then turned it over, but there was nothing more.
=> Need hyphen: full-size AND well-proportioned
= Audrey gazed at herself in the full(-)size mirror and chuckled.
= She'd always been slim and her well(-)proportioned figure hadn't l
=> Period after Madam, because it isn't a dialogue tag.
"Right away, Madam[,](.)" James retreated toward the kitchen,
=> Need comma AND ADD then
= wine in front of Audrey(,) and (then) [leaving](left) the cooler containing the Chablis in the middle of the table.
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Hi, Ulla
= You're off to a great start with this story.
= I can already see the wheels churning in Audrey's head.
= Looking forward to reading along.
=> Delete comma.
=> Comma before/after =IF= direct address.
= The writing that spelled out her name and address[,] was written in a neat hand.
= Three miles away, Marjory[,] almost mimicked Susan.
= That decided, Marjory[,] put the card to one
= Audrey[,] lifted her glass saluting the table. The scene was set.
=> Delete second period.
Susan turned the card over but there was no more.[.]
=> Suggest deleting one =Audrey= so close together.
=> Suggest deleting superfluous wording =now=
Audrey! What on earth did [Audrey](she) want [now] after all these years?
=> Edit out redundancy, because you already said in the beginning that she was doing what Susan had done, so don't need the second = like Susan.
=> Added needed comma.
=YOURS=
Like Susan, she stood by her lovely bay window reading the silver lined card in her hand, and like Susan she turned it over, but there was nothing more.
=SUGGEST
Like Susan, she stood by her lovely bay window, read the silver lined card in her hand, and then turned it over, but there was nothing more.
=> Need hyphen: full-size AND well-proportioned
= Audrey gazed at herself in the full(-)size mirror and chuckled.
= She'd always been slim and her well(-)proportioned figure hadn't l
=> Period after Madam, because it isn't a dialogue tag.
"Right away, Madam[,](.)" James retreated toward the kitchen,
=> Need comma AND ADD then
= wine in front of Audrey(,) and (then) [leaving](left) the cooler containing the Chablis in the middle of the table.
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Hi Jax, thanks a lot for a great review. I so appreciate all your help and support. I have made the changes. Those commas are driving me nuts. I'm learning though. But slow. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from icywell
You did a great job of setting the scene. I look forward to reading the rest of the story and finding out what the meeting is all about. It's well written and relatable, in the sense that most people have known someone whom they've had a falling out with. Then one day that person comes back in your life and acts like nothing ever happened.
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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You did a great job of setting the scene. I look forward to reading the rest of the story and finding out what the meeting is all about. It's well written and relatable, in the sense that most people have known someone whom they've had a falling out with. Then one day that person comes back in your life and acts like nothing ever happened.
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Thank you ever so much for the great review an the awesome stars. Sorry about the late answer, but we are engulfed in cherry picking so struggling to keeping up. So very appreciated . All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from CivilChick
Wow, you know how to make me want to know more! I really enjoyed reading this bit of the story, and as an extremely impatient person (I will stay up all night reading a book if it is good enough because I cannot stop until I know what happens), I am quite annoyed that I cannot finish reading this story tonight! I am going to have to become a fan so I am alerted when the next parts are posted! Excellent work!
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Wow, you know how to make me want to know more! I really enjoyed reading this bit of the story, and as an extremely impatient person (I will stay up all night reading a book if it is good enough because I cannot stop until I know what happens), I am quite annoyed that I cannot finish reading this story tonight! I am going to have to become a fan so I am alerted when the next parts are posted! Excellent work!
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Thanks ever so much. You do make me smile.You'll have to stay up a bit longer until the next part. Thanks a lot for your great support. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
the letter - it will be my pleasure to meet[ing] you
Paragraph starting '3 miles away..' just a suggestion, change 'no indication as to where it'd been sent from,' to 'nothing to indicate from whence it had come'
Paragraph 11 - 'it bordered on hate.' (To emphasise it a bit more, insert (actually) bordered on hate Again, I'm being picky! sorry. :-(
Fabulous beginning, Ulla. I am really enjoying the story so far and am totally engaged with your characters already. (typo near the end,, chose (choose)
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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the letter - it will be my pleasure to meet[ing] you
Paragraph starting '3 miles away..' just a suggestion, change 'no indication as to where it'd been sent from,' to 'nothing to indicate from whence it had come'
Paragraph 11 - 'it bordered on hate.' (To emphasise it a bit more, insert (actually) bordered on hate Again, I'm being picky! sorry. :-(
Fabulous beginning, Ulla. I am really enjoying the story so far and am totally engaged with your characters already. (typo near the end,, chose (choose)
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Thanks so much, Giddy, and I have made some changes. But chose is correct. I've looked it up to be sure. Thanks for your great review. All the best.Ulla:)))
Comment from MTF1955
Intriguing and leaves the reader wanting to know the rest of the story. I would change meeting. Doesn't read right. (It will be my pleasure to meeting)
I think you could also drop the by. Never a day passed by . Look forward to the rest. Mary
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Intriguing and leaves the reader wanting to know the rest of the story. I would change meeting. Doesn't read right. (It will be my pleasure to meeting)
I think you could also drop the by. Never a day passed by . Look forward to the rest. Mary
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Thank you so much. I'm pleased that you likedit and I have made the change. You are so right. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Ulla,
This is an intriguing beginning for your story. You give enough information about your characters, and the possibility of conflict, to grab the reader's attention and pique curiosity about what's to follow.
In places, this is a bit wordy.
The writing that spelled out her name and address, was written in a neat hand.
Her name and address were written in a neat hand.
She didn't quite recognise it, however, something about the letters was vaguely familiar.
You might try using a semicolon after "it," as I think the sentence might be clearer.
Ulla, you can write the time as 12:30, and a formal invitation would probably specify a.m. or p.m.
acknowledgement should be spelled acknowledgment
Well done, Ulla! I look forward to reading more,
Lana
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Hi Ulla,
This is an intriguing beginning for your story. You give enough information about your characters, and the possibility of conflict, to grab the reader's attention and pique curiosity about what's to follow.
In places, this is a bit wordy.
The writing that spelled out her name and address, was written in a neat hand.
Her name and address were written in a neat hand.
She didn't quite recognise it, however, something about the letters was vaguely familiar.
You might try using a semicolon after "it," as I think the sentence might be clearer.
Ulla, you can write the time as 12:30, and a formal invitation would probably specify a.m. or p.m.
acknowledgement should be spelled acknowledgment
Well done, Ulla! I look forward to reading more,
Lana
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Thanks so much Lana, and I so appreciate your review and suggestions. I have made some corrections but acknowledgement can be spelt both ways, and I prefer the way I spell it. Look it up. It's the beauty of the language. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from ciliverde
VERY interesting! What happened between those old friends, 'The Three Witches'? Rhetorical question, I know we have to wait to find out. So, Audrey is still looking great, but what if the others are too? The meeting is going to be quite interesting, I am sure! She's got something rather grand planned out, but I can't imagine what it is :)
Carol
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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VERY interesting! What happened between those old friends, 'The Three Witches'? Rhetorical question, I know we have to wait to find out. So, Audrey is still looking great, but what if the others are too? The meeting is going to be quite interesting, I am sure! She's got something rather grand planned out, but I can't imagine what it is :)
Carol
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Hi Carol. Thanks ever so much. How pleased I am that you liked it. Well, we have to see what this is all about. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from c_lucas
With the popularity of Cosmetic surgery, some women age better than others. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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With the popularity of Cosmetic surgery, some women age better than others. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 22-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Thanks a lot for the review. All the best. Ulla:))
