The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Little Egypt"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
17 total reviews
Comment from DonandVicki
I have enjoyed following your story very much. You have found a way to capture and hold my attention. I do like the feel of your well written prose.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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I have enjoyed following your story very much. You have found a way to capture and hold my attention. I do like the feel of your well written prose.
Comment Written 16-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Thanks so much, and I hope the kiddos liked it, too!
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
So we're well and truly into the next adventure which is currently building its momentum. That was a great transition between the two big stories. Now we find the girls at Little Egypt ready for a guided tour. They meet Ahmed, a friendly Egyptian who is keen to start their tour. There are rules which the girls and Bruce immediately break, but we've come to expect that by now. The cat comes along as contraband but he needs to be there as he has always been. I like the characterisations in this, Rhonda. Bruce has emerged as a Daredevil but is still keen to assert his boyhood by wearing blue and gold. Ahmed is only new but we've learnt a lot about him already. I feel like the story is on the edge of a precipice waiting for the scary stuff to loom. I found a couple of nits and have one suggestion to make. Listed below. A well written and engaging chapter.
Suggestions:
to switch thier attention...their
played his roll masterfully...role
"At first, we just stood ...suggest dropping 'just' to aid reading flow. It really adds nothing in meaning to the sentence.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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So we're well and truly into the next adventure which is currently building its momentum. That was a great transition between the two big stories. Now we find the girls at Little Egypt ready for a guided tour. They meet Ahmed, a friendly Egyptian who is keen to start their tour. There are rules which the girls and Bruce immediately break, but we've come to expect that by now. The cat comes along as contraband but he needs to be there as he has always been. I like the characterisations in this, Rhonda. Bruce has emerged as a Daredevil but is still keen to assert his boyhood by wearing blue and gold. Ahmed is only new but we've learnt a lot about him already. I feel like the story is on the edge of a precipice waiting for the scary stuff to loom. I found a couple of nits and have one suggestion to make. Listed below. A well written and engaging chapter.
Suggestions:
to switch thier attention...their
played his roll masterfully...role
"At first, we just stood ...suggest dropping 'just' to aid reading flow. It really adds nothing in meaning to the sentence.
Comment Written 16-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Thank you so very much for the detailed and supportive review. It is so important to further developing the story.
Yes, Bruce is "all boy", though he's pressed about my assertive females--haha
Ahmed will be developed further, and the adventure is coming up quickly.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from royowen
It looks like the DDGFBH are now embarking on another tale of adventures, as Nancy takes the mic from Bruce, the journey to a place and meet a young 25 year old man called Ahmed in the theme park, who introduces himself as coming from Egypt, who is going to show them around, Bruce is invited to be one the "girls" but no group name change, well done. Rhonda, blessings. Roy
Typo : yearned to switch (thier)attention. Their? 2 :(unfathonable) mystries. Unfathomable?
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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It looks like the DDGFBH are now embarking on another tale of adventures, as Nancy takes the mic from Bruce, the journey to a place and meet a young 25 year old man called Ahmed in the theme park, who introduces himself as coming from Egypt, who is going to show them around, Bruce is invited to be one the "girls" but no group name change, well done. Rhonda, blessings. Roy
Typo : yearned to switch (thier)attention. Their? 2 :(unfathonable) mystries. Unfathomable?
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Thank you, Roy. I appreciate the warm and welcome review! I've made the changes, thank you, though I am still looking for the thier, I'm off to work, so I'll have to look later,
Rhonda
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It's in the first few paragraphs Rhonda,
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Nancy turned back to the audience....were she takes over from Bruce!
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Okay, thanks!
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Most welcome Rhonda
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda, and The Daredevil Girls are now officially known as 'The Daredevil Unisexers', huh? It's about time!
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda, and The Daredevil Girls are now officially known as 'The Daredevil Unisexers', huh? It's about time!
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Now that's too funny! Wish I'd thought of it! That silly Bruce!
Comment from candyfink
You know I think you are a wonderful writer. I don't see anything that needs to be changed. Thank you for sharing your fabulous writing talent.
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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You know I think you are a wonderful writer. I don't see anything that needs to be changed. Thank you for sharing your fabulous writing talent.
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Thank you, Candy, for this very encouraging review. I think you are a wonderful writer, as well!
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
Just a point about your background information. You actually tell us what is about to happen as opposed to what Bruce told us in the previous chapter. The last chapter ended with him about to hand over to Nancy.
It stood, offficially - one too many 'f's' in there!
Inside sat an olive skinned - olive-skinned.
at the thought those images arroused - aroused.
a medic in Viet Nam - I'm pretty sure Vietnam is one word.
Good chapter introducing Ahmed and the park itself. I like the slow burn of the piece and the development of Bruce's 'official' joining to the group.
Good stuff
G
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reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Just a point about your background information. You actually tell us what is about to happen as opposed to what Bruce told us in the previous chapter. The last chapter ended with him about to hand over to Nancy.
It stood, offficially - one too many 'f's' in there!
Inside sat an olive skinned - olive-skinned.
at the thought those images arroused - aroused.
a medic in Viet Nam - I'm pretty sure Vietnam is one word.
Good chapter introducing Ahmed and the park itself. I like the slow burn of the piece and the development of Bruce's 'official' joining to the group.
Good stuff
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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He did hand it over to Nancy. She begins the tale next, and it is her telling this one.
I got a lot of flack over the last chapter, so made it more story like rather than conversational.
I'll go back and make sure it's more obvious Nancy is talking.
Thanks you for finding the spag!
Rhonda
Comment from Douglas Paul
You are off to a good start on this story. Rhonda. I already have a sense of foreboding, based on the way the guide is acting. I'm anxious to see what is inside the pyramid
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reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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You are off to a good start on this story. Rhonda. I already have a sense of foreboding, based on the way the guide is acting. I'm anxious to see what is inside the pyramid
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Thank you for reading. They are about to get in and get things hopping!
