Comment from boxergirl

Excellent

I like the way Bruce tries to embellish the story as he tells it but the girls keep him on his toes. Sounds like a little forshadowing when he says "only 8 hours..." I'm betting that will be plenty of time for them to get into trouble. :-)

 Comment Written 12-May-2016

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reply by the author on 12-May-2016

And then some...
The Daredevils never catch a break. No vacations for them...no running off to small towns to blend in, either. They found her anyway. Haha,
Thanks for your wonderful and much anticipated review,
Rhonda

Comment from aryr

Excellent

This was extremely enjoyable reading. I liked the idea of Nancy sharing the spotlight- perhaps to Bruce's dismay.
It was a great gesture to thank Sean for the great catering.
Great details kept my interest.
His subtle, joking attacks were fantastic.
Parental concern was a good touch as well.
You definitely kept my interest and kept me reading in full anticipation of what Nancy will share with the audience. Great writing, thank you.

 Comment Written 12-May-2016

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reply by the author on 12-May-2016

Thank you so much. Your detailed review is helpful so I know the direction to head. I've tried to keep the "realness" intact while taking a walk into fantasy.
Thanks again,
Rhonda

reply by aryr on 12-May-2016

You are very welcome

Comment from Jim Lorson Sr

Excellent

Rhonda, I am sorry that I missed your last chapter. I was in and out of the hospital and was in a lot of pain. Better now.

The way you write your story has me feeling like I am sitting in the front row taking it all in. I felt like I was in the group of Daredevil's gazing at the pyramid. Watching Nancy's dad walking away. I can feel the excitement everyone is feeling about their excursion. A day so far filled with excitement and explanations. Nothing scary at that moment. It was a fun read with Bruce telling a part of the story and thanking Sean Flannery for the great food he and his people served everyone.

You did another excellent job of writing this chapter. Keep up the excellent work. Enjoy the day Rhonda.

 Comment Written 12-May-2016

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reply by the author on 12-May-2016

Thank you, Jim! I'm glad you are doing better, and sorry you were in pain. Hope everything is okay.
Thanks, also, for taking time to read and tell what "worked" in the story. Things are calm for the moment, but are about to get "real" for them.
For the Daredevils, there is no such thing as a fun outing, but at least no witch this time!

Thanks again,
Rhonda

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Rhonda,

This was a very enjoyable chapter and good to have a different voice for the start of it, and a male at that. It does give a different dynamic to the proceedings.

Great stuff.

Bruce, if you would, please? -needs closing speech marks here.

in the first aide kit - aid.

G

 Comment Written 12-May-2016

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reply by the author on 12-May-2016

Thank you for the review, and for finding the Spag. It definitely helps!
I was trying for a more dynamic viewpoint, so I'm glad that came through. He's younger, more hyper, and shows the enthusiasm that's somewhat lacking in Nancy, who has scars she's having to deal with.

Thanks again,
Rhonda

Comment from DonandVicki

Excellent

You are still holding my attention as I follow along in your well developed chapters. You have keep my grandduaghter attention as well.

 Comment Written 12-May-2016

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reply by the author on 12-May-2016

Yea!!! I love reaching the grandkids! And I'm so glad to have your attention and support as well.
Good night,
Rhonda

Comment from CDyer

Excellent

A Daredevil Guy? That's bound to add another layer! I really like the thought of there being two time clocks in life.
Eager to see what adventure awaits in the pyramid.

 Comment Written 11-May-2016

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reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Thank you, my friend. Yeah, I think Einstein called it the "Theory of Relativity". Of course, he got a Nobel Prize for it, but, I still wonder about it.
Thanks again,
Rhonda

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi (*_*)

= Nice detail about how he came about being a Daredevil Girl.
= I like the little brother/sister squabble.
= Another super chapter of storytelling.
= You're getting the format with the quotes down very well. (*_*)

<> Delete extra apostrophe between =I & t in =It's
= "['I't's](It's) so beautiful,' Nancy said,

<> Always use comma with direct address.
= "'Thanks(,) Mrs. Rogers,' Nancy said.
= "'Okay(,) Mrs. Rogers,' Nancy said,
= "'Sorry(,) Mr. Jordan,' I said, 'but you did say to make it snappy
="'Sorry(,) Mr. Jordan, but I had to email a list

=::= A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down! =::=
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)

=::= Feel free to visit my profile on Amazon.com =::=
amazon.com/author/jacquelinefranklin

 Comment Written 11-May-2016

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reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Thank you so much for the very helpful review. I went back and made the changes. Funny thing is, I made the I't's mistake several times. I don't know how that happened. Weird! But I'm glad you noticed.

Also helpful, where you noticed the lack of comma after the direct address. I had it in about half of the proper places. I'm silly@

Thanks for the supportive remarks!
Rhonda

reply by Jacqueline M Franklin on 12-May-2016

It's so easy to just stop seeing things after you've read ... read ... and read a gazillion times. (*<*)

Besides, always easier to spot someone else's boo boos over our own. (*_*)

reply by the author on 12-May-2016

Good point, and thanks for doing so. I've heard it helps to read your work backwards to help pick them out. I should try to!

Thanks

Comment from Mike Stevens

Excellent

Oh, no fair! While it is a fine chapter--I wanted to know what the damned park looked like--well, you now what I mean--I wanted to read the description!

 Comment Written 11-May-2016

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reply by the author on 11-May-2016

It's coming up, don't worry. They just got there. Haha. They will get to see way more of it than they could possibly want.
Thanks for reviewing,
Rhonda

Comment from royowen

Excellent

Mrs. Pierson beckons Bruce to the podium unexpectedly for him, when he says Now! Mrs. Pierson says welcome to my life! Bruce tells his story of how he became a Daredevil "girl" from Bunker Hill. He wins an invitation to the "Little Egypt" theme park, and can bring up to 10 friends, so his master plan to get into the DDGfBH is hatched, great yarning Rhonda, you have me riveted. Well done, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 11-May-2016

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reply by the author on 11-May-2016

I am thrilled to have you riveted, my friend! And, as I've said over and over, I enjoy your reviews because you are so good at finding the "hidden" elements.
Thanks so much,
Rhonda

reply by royowen on 11-May-2016

and you're a great blessing to me Rhonda

reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Awww

reply by royowen on 12-May-2016

Thanks, you're a softy Rhonda, but I'm glad!

Comment from Kim Hershey

Excellent

This is a good story and story trumps all. I also found the character descriptions to be concise, powerful, and clever.

There were areas where I found the dialog believable and compelling but sometimes the language didn't strike me as representative of how the character would likely speak. For example, would "joy" work as well as "unimaginable joy"? Would a male character comment on the "fragrant salty air" or is "salty air" sufficient and more realistic? Similar comments on "copper colored ethereal aura",
"plaintive moaning" (Plaintive may be unnecessary to describe slaves moaning as it can be inferred), and "myriad".

I wondered if it might be more suspenseful if you moved this excellent paragraph to an earlier point in the story to whet the reader's appetite:

"I have often wondered if there are, actually, two time clocks in life; the fast forward one that exists when you are having fun, and the other that creeps slowly by when you are bored or in danger. On that July day, a mere 14 years ago, we would need both time and luck on our sides, and both would be as elusive as a Texas summer breeze.

Finally, a few minor typos potentially:
"Two time clocks" - just two clocks (time is redundant)
"Polished stone" - missing article
Carried - misspelled
Not sure what this means: "Several sets on stone pathways"
"I appreciate the respect you gave me during the last story," - comma needed?
This tale begins about two years after the Haunted House, almost to the day. It's one of my favorites," - comma needed?

 Comment Written 11-May-2016

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reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Thank you so very much, Kim, for your helpful review. I know it had to have taken you a lot of time to work your way through it, because it took me about an hour to make all the changes. That's a good thing.

Beyond the grammar mishaps, you went further to help with wording. I did move the paragraph you suggested to the start, and then reflected back on it at the end. It works a lot better that way.

If you have the time, and want to just read to see how it sounds, I would appreciate it, but if not, the help you gave was invaluable!

Take care, and thanks again,
Rhonda