The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "The Invitation"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
23 total reviews
Comment from JTStone
Hey Rhonda
It's good to be getting caught up. I love the way you are telling this story, with the different characters taking turns. It gives them all a reason for being there on stage with Nancy. As well as showing their contributions to each story.
One thing I have noticed with this style though, is that as it is relayed as a third party story, the quotes are a bit too clear, to actual speed. Though any other way would dull the edge of the story and make it less interesting for the reader--so despite the influx between real time and a storytelling at an auditorium, I don't think you could have written it any other way.
You have done an outstanding job of keeping this thing going.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Hey Rhonda
It's good to be getting caught up. I love the way you are telling this story, with the different characters taking turns. It gives them all a reason for being there on stage with Nancy. As well as showing their contributions to each story.
One thing I have noticed with this style though, is that as it is relayed as a third party story, the quotes are a bit too clear, to actual speed. Though any other way would dull the edge of the story and make it less interesting for the reader--so despite the influx between real time and a storytelling at an auditorium, I don't think you could have written it any other way.
You have done an outstanding job of keeping this thing going.
Jimmy
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Thank you, JT. I've taken some criticism for it, but I think if they started at the beginning, or at least a bit further back, they would get where I'm going with it. I do appreciate you're taking the time,
Rhonda
Comment from Brett Matthew West
This well written story holds interest throughout.
The idea of two types of clocks is appealing.
This story is one adventure that seemed like it was rather enjoyable.
Makes you wonder what else "Nancy Jordan" may be up to?
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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This well written story holds interest throughout.
The idea of two types of clocks is appealing.
This story is one adventure that seemed like it was rather enjoyable.
Makes you wonder what else "Nancy Jordan" may be up to?
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Thank you, Brett, for your kind comments! Have a great Sunday,
Rhonda
Comment from apelle
This was extremely enjoyable reading.
Great details kept my interest.
His subtle, joking attacks were fantastic.
You definitely kept my interest and kept me reading in full anticipation of what is to come.
ADINA
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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This was extremely enjoyable reading.
Great details kept my interest.
His subtle, joking attacks were fantastic.
You definitely kept my interest and kept me reading in full anticipation of what is to come.
ADINA
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Thanks so much, Adina, for the kind words, and caring review,
Have a great Sunday,
Rhonda
Comment from seaglass
This is a good introduction to the new pale. I wondered if there is such a park in Texas? With Bruce referring to sending email, I assume these are young adults who were children after easy assess to internet was available. I saw no errors.
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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This is a good introduction to the new pale. I wondered if there is such a park in Texas? With Bruce referring to sending email, I assume these are young adults who were children after easy assess to internet was available. I saw no errors.
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Thank you so much. I'll check the email reference, but, yeah, they were children supernatural crime fighters, and are retelling their stories to Nancy's students.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Paragraph 9.........2 types (of) clock
Wow!! Looks like wherein for another great adventure, Rhonda. You provide a great visual with the buildup in the school hall, Giddy
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Paragraph 9.........2 types (of) clock
Wow!! Looks like wherein for another great adventure, Rhonda. You provide a great visual with the buildup in the school hall, Giddy
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Thank you, Giddy. I'll post another one, probably in the morning back to Nancy's point of view. Thanks for the review,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Good image for this chapter.
-Excellent description of the pyramids; they sounded very authentic.
-The beginning serves as a good introduction to Bruce and his setting up the story.
-A small antic by Sean, taking Nancy's mic, adds humor.
-Then, Bruce gives his presentation about going to the park opening.
-A good job with that--we get all the preparation details, what each member is taking, as they are not allowed backpacks, and, of course, the advice and planning of Mrs. Jordan.
-Their arrival at the park, and their awe about the realism of it, is described well.
-I am only saddened because I don't know if Mr. Jordan has the accident before he can pick them up, based on the one statement about not getting the souvenir.
-This chapter serves as good preparation for whatever mysteries are in store there.
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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-Good image for this chapter.
-Excellent description of the pyramids; they sounded very authentic.
-The beginning serves as a good introduction to Bruce and his setting up the story.
-A small antic by Sean, taking Nancy's mic, adds humor.
-Then, Bruce gives his presentation about going to the park opening.
-A good job with that--we get all the preparation details, what each member is taking, as they are not allowed backpacks, and, of course, the advice and planning of Mrs. Jordan.
-Their arrival at the park, and their awe about the realism of it, is described well.
-I am only saddened because I don't know if Mr. Jordan has the accident before he can pick them up, based on the one statement about not getting the souvenir.
-This chapter serves as good preparation for whatever mysteries are in store there.
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Thank you for the review! I need to go back and clarify the foreshadowing. Dad isnt the one in danger, yet. Much further down the line.
I'll post another chapter in the morning, thanks again,
Rhonda
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You are more than welcome. I am relieved about the dad, but no matter when it is, it will be sad, even though we already know it happened. But someone is in danger...will simply keep reading to find out.
Comment from rspoet
This is a fine beginning to the next story
of the Daredevil Girls and Guy
Good banter between the characters
but not quite as smooth as the first story
Bruce is a bit "wordy" (some might say nerdy), but maybe that's just his character.
I would try to tighten it a bit, for example:
"theme park in League City, a small town bordering the Gulf of Mexico, not far from Houston. It's hot and humid, but has lots of good seafood. Removing the repeat of 'League City'
One historical note: the Egyptian pyramids mostly had four sides on a square base. The Great Pyramid actually has eight sides. Thought there are some pyramids with three sides, I'm not aware of any with three sides in Egypt.
Overall, a solid beginning, setting up the characters and premise of the story to follow.
Jax and others will offer better grammatical advice than I can offer.
Looking forward to the Egyptian Pyramid tale.
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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This is a fine beginning to the next story
of the Daredevil Girls and Guy
Good banter between the characters
but not quite as smooth as the first story
Bruce is a bit "wordy" (some might say nerdy), but maybe that's just his character.
I would try to tighten it a bit, for example:
"theme park in League City, a small town bordering the Gulf of Mexico, not far from Houston. It's hot and humid, but has lots of good seafood. Removing the repeat of 'League City'
One historical note: the Egyptian pyramids mostly had four sides on a square base. The Great Pyramid actually has eight sides. Thought there are some pyramids with three sides, I'm not aware of any with three sides in Egypt.
Overall, a solid beginning, setting up the characters and premise of the story to follow.
Jax and others will offer better grammatical advice than I can offer.
Looking forward to the Egyptian Pyramid tale.
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Thanks, so much. I intended to it four sides, not three. Mind took a hike.. Thanks for noticing.
I did try to make Bruce a little more wordy and less polished a speaker, but I think it backfired. It's hard to stay in character over long passages. Back to Nancy in the next one.
Thank you so much for reading and helping with your opinion. I'll revamp this cha salter before publishing. You don't know until you try, right?
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, another very good chapter and well written so now we are introduced to
Bruce, and the beginning of a new adventure. And there you leave us on a cliff hanger. Well I will have to wait then. Very well written. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Hi Rhonda, another very good chapter and well written so now we are introduced to
Bruce, and the beginning of a new adventure. And there you leave us on a cliff hanger. Well I will have to wait then. Very well written. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Thank you, Ulla. I appreciate the review, and I'll post the next chapter in the morning.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from c_lucas
I was a bit disappointed in this post. The writing was not up to par with other post. I felt it was a bit forced. I have no other suggestions. Overall, it has good imagery.
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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I was a bit disappointed in this post. The writing was not up to par with other post. I felt it was a bit forced. I have no other suggestions. Overall, it has good imagery.
Comment Written 13-May-2016
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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So sorry. I tried a different tactic with this one, but some people liked it, and others didn't. Sometimes I listen too hard to the reviews, where they ask for just conversation. Back to normal next time. I'll revamp this one before publishing. Thanks for your honest opinion!
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
Hi Rhonda, another great chapter! I like hearing from the male of the group. It's funny, every time he tries to add to the story, those girls keep him humble!
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Hi Rhonda, another great chapter! I like hearing from the male of the group. It's funny, every time he tries to add to the story, those girls keep him humble!
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Yeah, sad isn't it? They give him heck! But he gives it back, in his own way.
Thanks for reading, and leaving your wonderful comments. It truly means a lot!
Rhonda
