Heathered Moors
Thrice betrayed52 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A very well written and a beautiful triolet, my friend. Such a sad story though being betrayed over and over again. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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A very well written and a beautiful triolet, my friend. Such a sad story though being betrayed over and over again. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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Debbie, your fine review has inspired me to attempt a second triolet...only just learning about this form. Thank you for the encouraging words and thoughts :)
Senyai
Comment from melyuki
Hi Senyai thank you for sharing this rather delicate verse ' triolet' with all its emotional feelings running throughout. Each of the lines repeated in the verse add to the intensity of its meaning. I especially like the line
my soul, a wraith washed up on shore .
A very vivid sense of meaning comes from these words..
The poem flows evenly and the rhyming works well. thank you for the enjoyable journey.. happy smiles and best of luck in the contest. cheers mel xx
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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Hi Senyai thank you for sharing this rather delicate verse ' triolet' with all its emotional feelings running throughout. Each of the lines repeated in the verse add to the intensity of its meaning. I especially like the line
my soul, a wraith washed up on shore .
A very vivid sense of meaning comes from these words..
The poem flows evenly and the rhyming works well. thank you for the enjoyable journey.. happy smiles and best of luck in the contest. cheers mel xx
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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You are very generous and kind, Melyuki. Thank you for such a great review :)
Senyai
Comment from DR DIP
I really like this triolet it has a nice message about it. Triolets either work for me or not This one works well thanks for sharing
dip
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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I really like this triolet it has a nice message about it. Triolets either work for me or not This one works well thanks for sharing
dip
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Thank you, DR DIP, for your encouraging words and kind thoughts on my work.
Senyai :)
Comment from joannakruk
Ah awaiting the return of a loved one, only to be disappointed. It would appear hope and faith live on, the truest expression of love.
Great piece.
Jo
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Ah awaiting the return of a loved one, only to be disappointed. It would appear hope and faith live on, the truest expression of love.
Great piece.
Jo
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Thank you, Joanna, For your kind thoughts and review of my work. :)
Senyai
Comment from Pam (respa)
-I love the photo.
-Good format for your entry.
-Poem is written well about a love who has strayed
and will do so twice more.
-He has broken your heart
but probably won't return.
-I like the image of "heathered moors"
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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-I love the photo.
-Good format for your entry.
-Poem is written well about a love who has strayed
and will do so twice more.
-He has broken your heart
but probably won't return.
-I like the image of "heathered moors"
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Respa, I appreciate such a fine review and thoughts on my work. Thank you :)
Senyai
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You are very welcome.
Comment from rspoet
This is a fine entry for the Triolet contest
correct to the form
with very good poetic repeat lines
and solid rhymes to the pattern
Excellent meter with consistent eight syllable lines
Very good use of alliteration
Very good picture to match
My only hesitation is with the rhyme:
cheek and brink, at best these are near/slant rhymes
In a judged contest, they should be exact
Perhaps: nor left a kiss what should I think
The choice is yours
Otherwise, excellent Triolet
Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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This is a fine entry for the Triolet contest
correct to the form
with very good poetic repeat lines
and solid rhymes to the pattern
Excellent meter with consistent eight syllable lines
Very good use of alliteration
Very good picture to match
My only hesitation is with the rhyme:
cheek and brink, at best these are near/slant rhymes
In a judged contest, they should be exact
Perhaps: nor left a kiss what should I think
The choice is yours
Otherwise, excellent Triolet
Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Rspoet, thanks much for mentioning the attention to detail on the rhyme in triolets. I will probably edit this now.
I don't love this form very much :( But thought I'd try one)
Take care,
Senyai
Comment from tfawcus
I love the Yorkshire moors! What a marvellous picture. Your Triolet has such a musical ring to it. What a wonderful song it would make, set to the right music. The fact that you have framed the repeating line as a prediction gives it added impact each time it is echoed. A classic Triolet.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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I love the Yorkshire moors! What a marvellous picture. Your Triolet has such a musical ring to it. What a wonderful song it would make, set to the right music. The fact that you have framed the repeating line as a prediction gives it added impact each time it is echoed. A classic Triolet.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thank you Tony, for your insight and great review. I appreciate your thoughts.
Senyai
Comment from rama devi
Quite poignant and expressive and a very well penned triolet. Musical and eloquent. I like the use of repetition within the repeated line...though I think there needs to be a comma after the second love too (optional, as poetic license permits dropping it, but recommend). Also, while the poem is easy to read with no end line punctuation, I thought the enjambment between lines two and three was not smooth and would be more fluid and lucid if you use a dash (just a thought). With suggested edits:
Oh love, my love, who'll stray twice more
this heart is breaking on the brink--
my soul, a wraith washed up on shore
Oh love, my love, who'll stray twice more
you've not returned to heathered moors
nor left a kiss upon my cheek
Oh love, my love, who'll stray twice more
this heart is breaking on the brink
Lovely presentation.
Good luck in the contest!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Quite poignant and expressive and a very well penned triolet. Musical and eloquent. I like the use of repetition within the repeated line...though I think there needs to be a comma after the second love too (optional, as poetic license permits dropping it, but recommend). Also, while the poem is easy to read with no end line punctuation, I thought the enjambment between lines two and three was not smooth and would be more fluid and lucid if you use a dash (just a thought). With suggested edits:
Oh love, my love, who'll stray twice more
this heart is breaking on the brink--
my soul, a wraith washed up on shore
Oh love, my love, who'll stray twice more
you've not returned to heathered moors
nor left a kiss upon my cheek
Oh love, my love, who'll stray twice more
this heart is breaking on the brink
Lovely presentation.
Good luck in the contest!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thanks for the suggestions, Rama. I will take a look see about that edit. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Senyai
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:-)))
Comment from Slythytove2
An interesting juxtaposing of similar line while changing emphasis and direction. It's scope and depth make it a good exercise but lacks personal insight and emotional involvement. Well, that the way I read it. Only one of your readers.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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An interesting juxtaposing of similar line while changing emphasis and direction. It's scope and depth make it a good exercise but lacks personal insight and emotional involvement. Well, that the way I read it. Only one of your readers.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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That fine, Slythytove. I don't like it either really. My first triolet and it's shallow and sing songy. Have a lot to learn on the triolet form I can see. I might edit or just go on to writing something else, lol.
Thanks for being honest.
Senyai
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I would ask you why you wish to concur one particular style, the triolet. A style is not important in and of itself- but assists the message not dominate it. Personally I have never found a style I like and for my purposes I had to invent my own style. Examples of this I don't generally share on this site, for Originality Requirements, but you might find a few from way back. The message is everything- the style is not.
Comment from Louise Michelle
I think you did a good job with this Triolet. I really like the way you paired your poem with the image you chose. This has a nice, old fashioned flair. Hugs, Lou
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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I think you did a good job with this Triolet. I really like the way you paired your poem with the image you chose. This has a nice, old fashioned flair. Hugs, Lou
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thank you, Louise. I am learning about this form and can see I have a long way to go. Thanks for your kind words and encouraging thoughts.
Senyai
