Sankofa
Go back and get it.83 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
I wish I could give you advice on how to improve your poem, but what I know about poetry fits into a thimble, lol.
I enjoyed your poem and the way you linked the bird to your mother. I also enjoyed you carrying on your mother's work, so much like the egg, it will not be left behind. I have seen a few native African dances, really powerful stuff.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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I wish I could give you advice on how to improve your poem, but what I know about poetry fits into a thimble, lol.
I enjoyed your poem and the way you linked the bird to your mother. I also enjoyed you carrying on your mother's work, so much like the egg, it will not be left behind. I have seen a few native African dances, really powerful stuff.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Thank you, Russell, for your review and wishes you could help me improve my poem. Until I started writing it, I did not know I was going to link my mother's poetry to me carrying on her legacy. Thank you for your review.
Comment from rama devi
Beautiful thematic depth and fine voicing. The contest sounds challenging and interesting. As you have requested critique to improve this, I will try my best to give it intense attention with that in mind. I've read it twice and can't help feeling there are places it could be trimmed and tightened (less wordy and prose-like) as well as wondering if using even more simile or metaphor might enhance the poetic flavor as well, though you do have two strong ones woven in there nicely...bravo!
The phrasing is phonetically rich with all the alliteration, consonance and assonance, but a random internal rhyme would augment musicality even further (just a thought).
Specific notes:
I love reading the first stanza aloud with all the S and soft C sounds. However, the repetition of HER sounds cluttered and unnecessary. Consider trimming two of the four HERS. Example:
In the East, across the ocean,
in the land where dance began,
a bird planted feet in the earth,
folded wings to her body,
and balanced her egg on her back.
This stanza sounds like prose. I recommend inserting a simile (perhaps in the penultimate line of the stanza, after backwards):
Instead of flight,
which would crash her egg to the ground,
she turned her head backwards;
her body formed a heart shape,
as she retrieved and carried her egg forward.
Also, consider using parenthesis in line two. With above suggestions()example):
Instead of flight
(which would crash her egg to the ground)
she turned her head backwards, almost like an owl;
her body formed a heart shape,
as she retrieved and carried her egg forward.
Spelling typo:
mythologial
mythological
also, no comma after bird here:
named this mythologial bird, Sankofa:
*
--Sankofa--(comma instead of dash)
for it is not forbidden to fetch the forgotten.
*trim THEN:
Like the egg on the back
and then in the beak of Sankofa,
*Spaggy:
She tried other means to ensure
that I would neither be left behind
in school or in life--
Consider trimming and chancing neither to not:
She tried other means to ensure
I would not be left behind
in school or in life--
Well voiced:
gifts of old books I refused to read
because I craved rocket ships instead of the past.
Nice alliteration and internal rhyme here:
who whistled and whopped at the woman
whose bare feet drum beat across the stage
as feathers and fringes fluttered and flowed.
Wonderful parallel of bird feathers and poems here:
The day my mother died,
I found her poems strewn in her room,
like feathers in the nest of some exotic bird;
Nice closing note:
I retrieved and read her poems,
and carried my mother's dreams into the future.
However, the word retrieved was already used previously in the poem and I believe it is implied...saying it makes this sound wordy (to my ear). How about trimming to:
Reading her poems,
I carried my mother's dreams into the future.
or maybe use a stronger word than READING and trim even further. Example:
Absorbing her poems
carried my mother's dreams into the future.
Could be a six but needs fine tuning.
Best of luck in the contest.
Sorry for your loss.
Touching write! Beautiful.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Beautiful thematic depth and fine voicing. The contest sounds challenging and interesting. As you have requested critique to improve this, I will try my best to give it intense attention with that in mind. I've read it twice and can't help feeling there are places it could be trimmed and tightened (less wordy and prose-like) as well as wondering if using even more simile or metaphor might enhance the poetic flavor as well, though you do have two strong ones woven in there nicely...bravo!
The phrasing is phonetically rich with all the alliteration, consonance and assonance, but a random internal rhyme would augment musicality even further (just a thought).
Specific notes:
I love reading the first stanza aloud with all the S and soft C sounds. However, the repetition of HER sounds cluttered and unnecessary. Consider trimming two of the four HERS. Example:
In the East, across the ocean,
in the land where dance began,
a bird planted feet in the earth,
folded wings to her body,
and balanced her egg on her back.
This stanza sounds like prose. I recommend inserting a simile (perhaps in the penultimate line of the stanza, after backwards):
Instead of flight,
which would crash her egg to the ground,
she turned her head backwards;
her body formed a heart shape,
as she retrieved and carried her egg forward.
Also, consider using parenthesis in line two. With above suggestions()example):
Instead of flight
(which would crash her egg to the ground)
she turned her head backwards, almost like an owl;
her body formed a heart shape,
as she retrieved and carried her egg forward.
Spelling typo:
mythologial
mythological
also, no comma after bird here:
named this mythologial bird, Sankofa:
*
--Sankofa--(comma instead of dash)
for it is not forbidden to fetch the forgotten.
*trim THEN:
Like the egg on the back
and then in the beak of Sankofa,
*Spaggy:
She tried other means to ensure
that I would neither be left behind
in school or in life--
Consider trimming and chancing neither to not:
She tried other means to ensure
I would not be left behind
in school or in life--
Well voiced:
gifts of old books I refused to read
because I craved rocket ships instead of the past.
Nice alliteration and internal rhyme here:
who whistled and whopped at the woman
whose bare feet drum beat across the stage
as feathers and fringes fluttered and flowed.
Wonderful parallel of bird feathers and poems here:
The day my mother died,
I found her poems strewn in her room,
like feathers in the nest of some exotic bird;
Nice closing note:
I retrieved and read her poems,
and carried my mother's dreams into the future.
However, the word retrieved was already used previously in the poem and I believe it is implied...saying it makes this sound wordy (to my ear). How about trimming to:
Reading her poems,
I carried my mother's dreams into the future.
or maybe use a stronger word than READING and trim even further. Example:
Absorbing her poems
carried my mother's dreams into the future.
Could be a six but needs fine tuning.
Best of luck in the contest.
Sorry for your loss.
Touching write! Beautiful.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Rama, thank you for your detailed, thorough, three page review. It is just the type of review I needed. Yes, other reviewers and I have noted the dryness of my prose poem. I printed out your review so I can make the corrections one at a time. Thank you for your help in fine tuning my poem before my contest submission this week.
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Yay! So pleased you found this helpful. Thanks for your gracious response and thumb too.,..saw that in my inbox but being a standard member now, I cannot answer the PM. So...thanking you here.
It's semi-dry prose...because there are poetic images as well as phonetics in phrasing...just a tad bit more of those and it would feel more poetic. A few rhymes might help too! Love, rd
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PS Thanks for extra cent pump too. So sweet of you. I cannot spend my member dollars, but will save this up for when my sabbatical comes to a close (someone offered to sponsor a new year membership for me, but I am waiting on that...need to focus on other things right now)....but I will visit on occasion. Glad this one was here during one of my visits. I enjoyed it and was glad to help. :)
Comment from L.lora
Your carefully chosen words
relay a wonderful story, a
mythical creature, colorful
imagery and in the end you
present the gift of "never to
late to learn"...An enjoyable
read, best of luck with your
contest. I see no nits or spags. Lora
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
|
Your carefully chosen words
relay a wonderful story, a
mythical creature, colorful
imagery and in the end you
present the gift of "never to
late to learn"...An enjoyable
read, best of luck with your
contest. I see no nits or spags. Lora
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Oh, thank you, Lora, for your review. I did not appreciate my mother's love for poetry, history, and dance at the time. Only later.
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You are most welcome, wishing you the best with the contest. Don't get discouraged, keep writing. Lora
Comment from DR DIP
Nice read sis and great authors notes to assist i think everybody would appreciate your poem. thanks for sharing.
dip
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Nice read sis and great authors notes to assist i think everybody would appreciate your poem. thanks for sharing.
dip
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Thank you, DIP. I challenged myself to write a new poem for the Dancing Poetry Contest. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A well-written poem about your heritage and your culture and you teach us a new word and what it means. Sorry thst your mother is not there anymore, she seems to be quite a wonderful character.
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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A well-written poem about your heritage and your culture and you teach us a new word and what it means. Sorry thst your mother is not there anymore, she seems to be quite a wonderful character.
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Yes, Sandra, my mother was quite a wonderful character. My poem would thrill her. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
What a marvelous story, Sis Cat, so much going on with colour and movement. I like the comparison of the Sankofa and human motherhood, in fact we carry our children on our backs most of our lives! LOL. I do hope you do well in the contest, it's a lovely entry. Please let us know the results. Good luck! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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What a marvelous story, Sis Cat, so much going on with colour and movement. I like the comparison of the Sankofa and human motherhood, in fact we carry our children on our backs most of our lives! LOL. I do hope you do well in the contest, it's a lovely entry. Please let us know the results. Good luck! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Thank you, Sandra. I challenged myself by telling a story that both my mother and I could be proud of. Thank you for your review.
Comment from jonathan1
I really enjoyed this informative and entertaining piece. It flowed well, had great structure and told a magnificent story. Very captivating
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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I really enjoyed this informative and entertaining piece. It flowed well, had great structure and told a magnificent story. Very captivating
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Thank you, Jonathan, for your generous, six star review. I am glad you enjoyed my informative and entertaining poem.
Comment from LIJ Red
Excellently written. The one thing I see that may or may not be a nit, is the "whistled and whopped" which in my dialect would be "whistled and whooped."
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Excellently written. The one thing I see that may or may not be a nit, is the "whistled and whopped" which in my dialect would be "whistled and whooped."
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Thank you, LIJ Red, for your review and correction of "whooped." I much appreciate it.
Comment from fimarie78
I really enjoyed reading your poem.
The way you have incorporated the tale of Sankofa into your own journey is very well done.
I am sorry for your loss, but great to hear that you plan to carry her dreams into the future.
for it is not forbidden to fetch the forgotten
who whistled and whopped at the woman
Nice alliteration .
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
|
I really enjoyed reading your poem.
The way you have incorporated the tale of Sankofa into your own journey is very well done.
I am sorry for your loss, but great to hear that you plan to carry her dreams into the future.
for it is not forbidden to fetch the forgotten
who whistled and whopped at the woman
Nice alliteration .
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
-
Oh, thank you, for your generous, six star review. I incorporated the tale of Sankofa into my our journey. Thanks.
Comment from maryvellef
Very nice informative poem that has a lot f potential in regards to material and thought. It could really be made a lot better by having lines that are more fluid and thought expressed better by less trite words to make the most of your very original material. That of a mythic bird. Good work though. Tks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
 |
Very nice informative poem that has a lot f potential in regards to material and thought. It could really be made a lot better by having lines that are more fluid and thought expressed better by less trite words to make the most of your very original material. That of a mythic bird. Good work though. Tks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
-
Thank you, Mary, for your review. Do you have suggestions on which trite words could be cut or replaced? I am revising my poem for submission to the Dancing Poetry contest this week. Thanks.
