Soldier Phoenix
Nature brings out the best in us.18 total reviews
Comment from foxangie123
A great write on a topic that is well known and followed by many with the new series on television. A excellent piece of writing you penned here.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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A great write on a topic that is well known and followed by many with the new series on television. A excellent piece of writing you penned here.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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I have to plead ignorance about the new TV series; nevertheless, I appreciate your very kind praise. Thanks for sharing.
Comment from jusylee72
This is a beautiful well told story with a strong ending. I love that soldiers do good for the world and not just destroy it. It was a touching, sad moment but true to life one. Thank you for writing it.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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This is a beautiful well told story with a strong ending. I love that soldiers do good for the world and not just destroy it. It was a touching, sad moment but true to life one. Thank you for writing it.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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I am delighted you enjoyed this story and found it true to life. Thank you for your very kind praise.
Comment from Mabaker
What a great story of human will to live and human courage. I guess the soldier did no more than he had been trained to yet he did much more than he had to. War is never pretty no matter whose side you fight on, or for which ideology you believe in. Regards Mabaker
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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What a great story of human will to live and human courage. I guess the soldier did no more than he had been trained to yet he did much more than he had to. War is never pretty no matter whose side you fight on, or for which ideology you believe in. Regards Mabaker
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Mabaker, for this great review. You saw EXACTLY what I was trying to convey.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A good story you have crafted here for this competition. Well written on a technical side and unexpected which is always nice.
Colliding bricks collapsed in a heap, quickly burying the soldier. - just for presentation sake you should stick an extra blank line following this sentence.
It may have been an idea to actually use the Farsi word for help.
forward until heknelt - he knelt.
"mama" - obviously went to the bother of learning the vital words of Farsi then - LOL
smashing into a brazier with smoldering embers. Hot coals flared and spilled onto her mother's dress - I struggled with the time frame a little as the embers would probably have been out, plus if the building had come down and the roof it struck me as odd that the brazier survived intact and burned throughout the night - it doesn't all add up.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Hi there,
A good story you have crafted here for this competition. Well written on a technical side and unexpected which is always nice.
Colliding bricks collapsed in a heap, quickly burying the soldier. - just for presentation sake you should stick an extra blank line following this sentence.
It may have been an idea to actually use the Farsi word for help.
forward until heknelt - he knelt.
"mama" - obviously went to the bother of learning the vital words of Farsi then - LOL
smashing into a brazier with smoldering embers. Hot coals flared and spilled onto her mother's dress - I struggled with the time frame a little as the embers would probably have been out, plus if the building had come down and the roof it struck me as odd that the brazier survived intact and burned throughout the night - it doesn't all add up.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Thank you very much, GMG, for this very attentive reading of my story and your kind praise. Yes, I thought about that brazier being intact, and will continue the o do so.
Comment from LIJ Red
Gahan Wilson had a Nam era cartoon, a battered GI smoked black, gripping a bloody bayonet in a wasteland of rubble, saying "I think I won."
Nobody wins. The lucky survive. An excellent story.
Only one nit that I saw: He crabbed forward until heknelt (space)
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Gahan Wilson had a Nam era cartoon, a battered GI smoked black, gripping a bloody bayonet in a wasteland of rubble, saying "I think I won."
Nobody wins. The lucky survive. An excellent story.
Only one nit that I saw: He crabbed forward until heknelt (space)
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Thank you for your very kind praise And
Comment from Dean Kuch
It really doesn't bother me how long a story is, Anonymous Author, as long is it's well written, not filled with SPAG, and holds my attention. I think most Fanstorians feel much the same way.
Having said that, I read on...
He slithered down the slope, hiding behind boulders or in their shadows. Slowly he made his way to a mud-bricked wall at the outskirts of the village.
Something stirred. A villager? No. A tree limb that hung over and above him. Its leaves shook.
..........Good writing here, very descriptive. Strong use of verbs help set the scene quite well...
He crabbed forward until he [spacing] knelt before the only standing wall. .....Note spacing between "he", and "knelt" here...
"Anyone elsesurve survive this?" a Ranger asked............Anyone else survive this?" a Ranger asked.
I liked the ending...what the soldier said to the Army Ranger who'd asked to treat him concerning the young girl he'd rescued:
"The best thing that ever happened to me."
You know, in the film adaption of Stephen King's novella, Secret Garden, Secret Window, titled, quite simply, Secret Window, Johnny Depp's character, a very troubled and disturbed author named Mort Rainey, said this about the ending of a story:
"You know...the only thing that matters is the ending. It's the most important part of the story, the ending.
And this one...
...is very good.
This one's perfect."
I couldn't agree more.
Best of luck to you in the contest...
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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It really doesn't bother me how long a story is, Anonymous Author, as long is it's well written, not filled with SPAG, and holds my attention. I think most Fanstorians feel much the same way.
Having said that, I read on...
He slithered down the slope, hiding behind boulders or in their shadows. Slowly he made his way to a mud-bricked wall at the outskirts of the village.
Something stirred. A villager? No. A tree limb that hung over and above him. Its leaves shook.
..........Good writing here, very descriptive. Strong use of verbs help set the scene quite well...
He crabbed forward until he [spacing] knelt before the only standing wall. .....Note spacing between "he", and "knelt" here...
"Anyone else
I liked the ending...what the soldier said to the Army Ranger who'd asked to treat him concerning the young girl he'd rescued:
"The best thing that ever happened to me."
You know, in the film adaption of Stephen King's novella, Secret Garden, Secret Window, titled, quite simply, Secret Window, Johnny Depp's character, a very troubled and disturbed author named Mort Rainey, said this about the ending of a story:
"You know...the only thing that matters is the ending. It's the most important part of the story, the ending.
And this one...
...is very good.
This one's perfect."
I couldn't agree more.
Best of luck to you in the contest...
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Ah, Dean, I truly appreciate the time you spent reading my story and commenting on its strengths. Thank you, my friend.
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My pleasure. :}
Comment from DonandVicki
I have enjoyed following along in your flash fiction. of this well written and imaginative story. I feel from your writing that this could actually be true.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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I have enjoyed following along in your flash fiction. of this well written and imaginative story. I feel from your writing that this could actually be true.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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It is definitely based on an account of an earthquake I read somewhere. Thanks so much for sharing and your kind praise.
Comment from Luwana
Very good story! I liked it a lot. I did find a few things though:
"You're no better than the Taliban, he thought. Aiding them, lying to us. if I can get closer, I'll lob these. May you all rot in hell!"
...why is this section so much bigger then the rest...and "if" should be capitalized.
"He crabbed forward until heknelt before the only standing wall."
...until "he knelt"
"Anyone else surve this?" a Ranger asked."
..."survive"
Still a great story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Very good story! I liked it a lot. I did find a few things though:
"You're no better than the Taliban, he thought. Aiding them, lying to us. if I can get closer, I'll lob these. May you all rot in hell!"
...why is this section so much bigger then the rest...and "if" should be capitalized.
"He crabbed forward until heknelt before the only standing wall."
...until "he knelt"
"Anyone else surve this?" a Ranger asked."
..."survive"
Still a great story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2016
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Thanks for sharing my story and pointing out some of its errors. As for fluctuating font size, this often happens when I use FanStory's Advanced Editor.( which I use only because it lets me use italics).
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Ah...
