Boxcar: Part 1
Based on oral histories.36 total reviews
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Andre
Me, reading backwards. I've enjoyed your notes, again another story in its own right. :)) I do love your writing style, as in oral story-telling form. I can hear your performing this story to an audience holding them captivated with the endearing nature of your relatives, the deep heart from which you 'speak' (literally and figuratively) and your skill in adapting the combined versions into your own style and with great skill.
Excellent imagery and the skill of showing rather than telling, you arouse all the senses with your words and strong emotions. Your dialogue rings true and is very real. You set wonderful scenes in the mind's eye, Mama Jennie telling the stories to Freddie, loved the thrill of her courage in jumping that train. Little Sis drowsy from the heat and too young for the violence of the stories, the heat of the boxcar, and cramped sleeping quarters, the hardship of drawing just a bucket of water -- all so real, I could feel myself there. The rattling of the train, the river water gurgling around the rocks, everything comes alive under your mastery. How fate defeats us sometimes, poor Tom, one can't blame him for his actions, justice is hard earned. He suffered so cruelty (no justice here), yet the outcome was a win, under the circumstances, and his wife and child were protected and cared for, and with grit of their own to move on with their lives. Another six worthy story. Well done. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Hi Andre
Me, reading backwards. I've enjoyed your notes, again another story in its own right. :)) I do love your writing style, as in oral story-telling form. I can hear your performing this story to an audience holding them captivated with the endearing nature of your relatives, the deep heart from which you 'speak' (literally and figuratively) and your skill in adapting the combined versions into your own style and with great skill.
Excellent imagery and the skill of showing rather than telling, you arouse all the senses with your words and strong emotions. Your dialogue rings true and is very real. You set wonderful scenes in the mind's eye, Mama Jennie telling the stories to Freddie, loved the thrill of her courage in jumping that train. Little Sis drowsy from the heat and too young for the violence of the stories, the heat of the boxcar, and cramped sleeping quarters, the hardship of drawing just a bucket of water -- all so real, I could feel myself there. The rattling of the train, the river water gurgling around the rocks, everything comes alive under your mastery. How fate defeats us sometimes, poor Tom, one can't blame him for his actions, justice is hard earned. He suffered so cruelty (no justice here), yet the outcome was a win, under the circumstances, and his wife and child were protected and cared for, and with grit of their own to move on with their lives. Another six worthy story. Well done. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Oh, thank you, Lovinia, for your generous, enthusiastic, six star review. This is an amazing story, so much so that three people who heard it--my mother, step-mother, and myself--all wrote it down. I contemplated for two years how to tell such a brutal story. I think I found my script here. Thank you for your review.
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Hi Andre
It's difficult not to get excited by your stories. :))) Both of your Boxcar pieces are outstanding, and will be wonderful performed by you. I've said it before, I'm always amazed at how you can get the brutality across without offering malice or judgement. Yes, definitely a script ... great work. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Andre,
That first paragraph really does set the scene and tone for the piece. Experiencing it through the eyes of Freddie was well realised.
the tilted boxcar sunk in dirt a fifty feet from the tracks - I would possibly delete 'a' here or substitute some for it.
The coal finding was well described and painted a great picture in the mind giving a good counterbalance to the heat of their current situation.
I was certainly not expecting the last story of this section to turn quite so deadly.
Good place to stop this piece. I see the second piece is up so I can go straight away.
Good stuff this.
GMG
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Hi Andre,
That first paragraph really does set the scene and tone for the piece. Experiencing it through the eyes of Freddie was well realised.
the tilted boxcar sunk in dirt a fifty feet from the tracks - I would possibly delete 'a' here or substitute some for it.
The coal finding was well described and painted a great picture in the mind giving a good counterbalance to the heat of their current situation.
I was certainly not expecting the last story of this section to turn quite so deadly.
Good place to stop this piece. I see the second piece is up so I can go straight away.
Good stuff this.
GMG
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Yes, G., I am glad you noted the opening paragraph. One thing I did was use foreshadowing because I talked about the boxcar being hot in the sun and of the migrant workers scrambling to create shelter from the sun "or burn alive." I am very grateful to the Freemasons that they stopped the White Caps and rescued my ancestors.
I will use your suggestion of text change.
Once again, thank you for your review and being a supporter of my work.
Comment from mfowler
Your dramatic story ends at a cliff hanger. This is a story of survival of generations of family over a long period of time after the Civil War ended. Told by a mother to son around a fire, the narrative speaks of the hardships, prejudice and poverty the black family endured. Even as the story is told, we know Jennie and her children are living in very basic conditions, something they've endured for decades, and see as part of life. The story tells so much more about old America and its shortcomings than just the lives of these individuals. Your storytelling comes via the conversation and is involving and packed with drama. Nicely written.
I have a couple of suggestions that may help:
"'They smiled and said, 'Sis, we're gonna hop that freight train heading south.'...Tricky one to punctuate but this is how I see it:..."They smiled and said, 'Sis, we're gonna hop that freight train heading south.'"..The direct speech alluded to needs the single inverted comma. The whole of the direct speech from "They... needs to close with doubles, just as you started.
I wonder if 'Phew' might be a better choice of exclamation than 'Ewe', that being a female sheep and hence quite distracting when it appears.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Your dramatic story ends at a cliff hanger. This is a story of survival of generations of family over a long period of time after the Civil War ended. Told by a mother to son around a fire, the narrative speaks of the hardships, prejudice and poverty the black family endured. Even as the story is told, we know Jennie and her children are living in very basic conditions, something they've endured for decades, and see as part of life. The story tells so much more about old America and its shortcomings than just the lives of these individuals. Your storytelling comes via the conversation and is involving and packed with drama. Nicely written.
I have a couple of suggestions that may help:
"'They smiled and said, 'Sis, we're gonna hop that freight train heading south.'...Tricky one to punctuate but this is how I see it:..."They smiled and said, 'Sis, we're gonna hop that freight train heading south.'"..The direct speech alluded to needs the single inverted comma. The whole of the direct speech from "They... needs to close with doubles, just as you started.
I wonder if 'Phew' might be a better choice of exclamation than 'Ewe', that being a female sheep and hence quite distracting when it appears.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Thank you very much, mfowler, for catching that comma and suggesting a replacement for "ewe." I debated that word, too, because it can also mean a female sheep. I opted to use "ugh" and "yuck" instead.
Yes, "The story tells so much more about old America and its shortcomings than just the lives of these individuals." Thank you for your generous, helpful review.
Comment from royowen
Well done this story Cat, it is an excellent account of your family's history, I hate the fact white folk treated your ancestors so badly, an eternal mistake and blotch on humanity. Love the fact your ancestor Tom killed the white man who raped his daughter, I think I would be inclined to that as well. Great reporting of this excellent historical account, a fine piece of writing, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Well done this story Cat, it is an excellent account of your family's history, I hate the fact white folk treated your ancestors so badly, an eternal mistake and blotch on humanity. Love the fact your ancestor Tom killed the white man who raped his daughter, I think I would be inclined to that as well. Great reporting of this excellent historical account, a fine piece of writing, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Yes, Roy, if an intruder came on my property, raped my daughter, and demanded, "What are you going to do about it? Kill me?" I just might. The intruder on Tom's farm felt he was not entitled to his daughter, his rights, his dignity.
I am glad you appreciate my "Great reporting of this excellent historical account, a fine piece of writing, well done."
Thank you for your review and blessing to you, too.
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My pleasure
Comment from trumby
We have somethinhttp://www.fanstory.com/listbookcomments.jsp?storyid=804899g like that over here too. It's called bush poetry festivals. However, there's generally very little money to be made, unless you sell books. Fortunately for me, I do that as well.
I have been a full time, paid entertainer and I've worked as a stripper too.
I can see that you've polished this story through many tellings and re-tellings.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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We have somethinhttp://www.fanstory.com/listbookcomments.jsp?storyid=804899g like that over here too. It's called bush poetry festivals. However, there's generally very little money to be made, unless you sell books. Fortunately for me, I do that as well.
I have been a full time, paid entertainer and I've worked as a stripper too.
I can see that you've polished this story through many tellings and re-tellings.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Thank you, trumby, for your review. Strippers tell some of the best stories here in San Francisco at storytelling events. I used my knowledge of oral storytelling to create my story. Thank you for your review. I have posted the final part of my story.
Comment from nomi338
This is such a compelling story. Few whites understand the legacy of abuse that runs through most black families and I believe that it colors our day to day reality. The things we are taught as children are referenced by some disastrous encounter that some member of our family has had with some white person(s). I thank you for writing this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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This is such a compelling story. Few whites understand the legacy of abuse that runs through most black families and I believe that it colors our day to day reality. The things we are taught as children are referenced by some disastrous encounter that some member of our family has had with some white person(s). I thank you for writing this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Thank you, nomi338, for your heartfelt review. I am deeply grateful that my grandmother and father told me these stories and did not shield me from our nation's dark past. I am glad I brought this story to light. Thank you for your review. I have just posted the conclusion.
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Great, I can't wait to read it.
