Boxcar: Part 1
Based on oral histories.36 total reviews
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello Sis Cat,
This is a fine story and I've seen this plot on television, in a movie, I think. It may have been a book: I'm trying to recall the source.
Unfortunately, incidents like this were so prevalant and so widespread at one time that it's a case of, Only the faces and names change. That in no way detracts from your story. It's merely confirmation of the atrocities committed against disadvantaged blacks who only wished to survive and, if possible, thrive.
As to the writing here: It's sound, with need for a few minor edits only. I wondered why Tojo was lumped together with Hitler and Mussolini, because Tojo was a minor player under the command of Hirohito.
When the war ended, many of them faced trial for war crimes. The chief leaders were Adolf Hitler of Germany, Benito Mussolini of Italy and Emperor Hirohito (alongside his Prime Ministers, Fumimaro Konoe and Hideki Tojo) of Japan.
This comes from a Wiki article.
I also wondered why a campfire was left burning during the hottest part of the day.
Description is above par in this prose. Characterization is solid. Dialogue is believable and pace appropriate.
Thanks for sharing, and I wish you success in all you strive for.
Regards,
Lana
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Hello Sis Cat,
This is a fine story and I've seen this plot on television, in a movie, I think. It may have been a book: I'm trying to recall the source.
Unfortunately, incidents like this were so prevalant and so widespread at one time that it's a case of, Only the faces and names change. That in no way detracts from your story. It's merely confirmation of the atrocities committed against disadvantaged blacks who only wished to survive and, if possible, thrive.
As to the writing here: It's sound, with need for a few minor edits only. I wondered why Tojo was lumped together with Hitler and Mussolini, because Tojo was a minor player under the command of Hirohito.
When the war ended, many of them faced trial for war crimes. The chief leaders were Adolf Hitler of Germany, Benito Mussolini of Italy and Emperor Hirohito (alongside his Prime Ministers, Fumimaro Konoe and Hideki Tojo) of Japan.
This comes from a Wiki article.
I also wondered why a campfire was left burning during the hottest part of the day.
Description is above par in this prose. Characterization is solid. Dialogue is believable and pace appropriate.
Thanks for sharing, and I wish you success in all you strive for.
Regards,
Lana
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Oh, thank you, Lana for your review and corrections of the accuracy of my story. I replaced Tojo with Hirohito, and fine tuned the campfire scene by adding a scene of Freddie lighting a fire for that evening's meal.
Yes, such abuses of African Americans and many minorities were so widespread that one believes she has seen the plot before. Perhaps, I tried to convey the story passed down to me for 151 years.
Thank you for your encouraging review. I particularly love these lines, "Description is above par in this prose. Characterization is solid. Dialogue is believable and pace appropriate."
Once again, Lana, thanks.
Comment from candyfink
Nothing to say except to praise you on how talented of a writer you are. You write very descriptively, which pulls readers into the story. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Nothing to say except to praise you on how talented of a writer you are. You write very descriptively, which pulls readers into the story. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, candybarr, for your review. I am glad my descriptive writing pulled you into the story.
Comment from foxangie123
You have a great talent to be able to place the reader right in the middle of the story and or box car. People were stupid now. Ignorant. This is so good honey. Being from the out I could more than relate and I'm Caucasion. You rock.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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You have a great talent to be able to place the reader right in the middle of the story and or box car. People were stupid now. Ignorant. This is so good honey. Being from the out I could more than relate and I'm Caucasion. You rock.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, foxangie123, for your enthusiastic review. I am glad you can relate to this. You rock, too.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is such a well-written story, Andre, I can't imagine it not being nominated in the contest for story of the month. I'd hate to have yours to compete with. I mean that.
I think I only had one or two actual suggestions. The rest is AWE!
All metal bars and rivets on the outside of the boxcar could scorch a person without the use of fire. [I wonder if you could look at this sentence to see if it needs tweaking. The part that troubles me is "without the use of fire." I'm sure you are referencing the head that radiates off the metal bars and rivets, but it also could mean "scorch a person WHO DIDN'T HAVE the use of fire." It may sound minor and picky, and I'm sure your inflection as you speak it will carry the proper meaning, but most readers won't take the time to read over a sentence until they can wrangle out the meaning.
Freddie tensed. He wondered if she could taste that his hand had dipped into the bucket, [What a delight of an inner impression.]
we all hoboed from Chicago to Evansville, Indiana." Mama Jennie raised her voice and fist in triumph. [I found myself making the same gesture as I read this. This is how cogently you wrote it. It's also why I read alone.]
People everywhere, whites, blacks, adults, and kids, ran all over the tracks behind the train to grab the coal in the snow. [You brought the image to life. This deserves the oral tradition.]
Freddie puffed out his chest. [I'm assuming Freddie was the speaker of the preceding paragraph of dialogue, but you probably should introduce him with the first sentence, so the reader can continue on in his voice instead of Mama Jennie.]
The biggest instrument of all, the Mojave River, provided an undercurrent of tones as it rushed around the rocks. [Oh, my God, but that's beautiful!]
"And so, Tom did." [A beautiful use of a short, punchy sentence.]
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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This is such a well-written story, Andre, I can't imagine it not being nominated in the contest for story of the month. I'd hate to have yours to compete with. I mean that.
I think I only had one or two actual suggestions. The rest is AWE!
All metal bars and rivets on the outside of the boxcar could scorch a person without the use of fire. [I wonder if you could look at this sentence to see if it needs tweaking. The part that troubles me is "without the use of fire." I'm sure you are referencing the head that radiates off the metal bars and rivets, but it also could mean "scorch a person WHO DIDN'T HAVE the use of fire." It may sound minor and picky, and I'm sure your inflection as you speak it will carry the proper meaning, but most readers won't take the time to read over a sentence until they can wrangle out the meaning.
Freddie tensed. He wondered if she could taste that his hand had dipped into the bucket, [What a delight of an inner impression.]
we all hoboed from Chicago to Evansville, Indiana." Mama Jennie raised her voice and fist in triumph. [I found myself making the same gesture as I read this. This is how cogently you wrote it. It's also why I read alone.]
People everywhere, whites, blacks, adults, and kids, ran all over the tracks behind the train to grab the coal in the snow. [You brought the image to life. This deserves the oral tradition.]
Freddie puffed out his chest. [I'm assuming Freddie was the speaker of the preceding paragraph of dialogue, but you probably should introduce him with the first sentence, so the reader can continue on in his voice instead of Mama Jennie.]
The biggest instrument of all, the Mojave River, provided an undercurrent of tones as it rushed around the rocks. [Oh, my God, but that's beautiful!]
"And so, Tom did." [A beautiful use of a short, punchy sentence.]
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you again, Jay, for your generous, six star review, comments, and suggestions, which show that you read my story closely and with a fine sense of detail. I tweaked the "scorch" sentence and introduced Freddie to his paragraph of dialogue. I am glad you are in awe of my writing as I am of yours. Thanks.
Comment from JBCaine
Sis Cat-
It can be very difficult to pull a tale together from snippets and incomplete pieces, and you have done an admirable job of it. Combining parts of multiple stories into one very well-told entity.
Your family history is a rich source for you, and you have done a great job sharing this piece of it.
Best to you,
JBCaine-
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Sis Cat-
It can be very difficult to pull a tale together from snippets and incomplete pieces, and you have done an admirable job of it. Combining parts of multiple stories into one very well-told entity.
Your family history is a rich source for you, and you have done a great job sharing this piece of it.
Best to you,
JBCaine-
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, JBCaine, I was thrilled that I had not one, not two, not three, but four written versions of this story for me to combine. I am glad you admired the results. Thank you for your review.
Comment from jlsavell
My dear friend Sis Cat,
A master at story telling you are. I would love to hear your voice. This work is moving..emotive. The dialogue and setting attention grabbing for the get go. I was disappointed to see continue, such was my eagerness to read on. Beautiful, On to the next..please always share. JIMI
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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My dear friend Sis Cat,
A master at story telling you are. I would love to hear your voice. This work is moving..emotive. The dialogue and setting attention grabbing for the get go. I was disappointed to see continue, such was my eagerness to read on. Beautiful, On to the next..please always share. JIMI
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Jimi, for your generous, six star review. I split the story in two to give it to reviewers in bite size chunks. I also posted them back to back this week so I could turn my attention to rehearsing stories for the Bay Area Storytelling Festival. Thanks again for your review.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
So I read this in reverse with the installment posted later, but you have painted such a riveting story, that it really didn't matter. I was able to join the two posts and understand the circumstances surrounding the murder of the rapist, and awful human being. Excellent.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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So I read this in reverse with the installment posted later, but you have painted such a riveting story, that it really didn't matter. I was able to join the two posts and understand the circumstances surrounding the murder of the rapist, and awful human being. Excellent.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Yes, Mary, that rapist and child molester was an awful human being. Millions of African American women and girls suffered abuse from such men. I was stunned when I read the transcript that the man dared Tom to kill him. He didn't think he would do it and both paid a price. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Ulla
Wow this a story and a half and I will have to hurry on to the next part as I can see you have already posted it. You tell it very well and brings us back to that time in history. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Wow this a story and a half and I will have to hurry on to the next part as I can see you have already posted it. You tell it very well and brings us back to that time in history. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Ulla. My story "brings us back to that time in history." Thank you for your review and wishing me the best.
Comment from teols2016
This is a very interesting story. I'll have to continue on to the next installment right away. History can be a fascinating venue for story-telling, whether fiction or non-fiction. Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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This is a very interesting story. I'll have to continue on to the next installment right away. History can be a fascinating venue for story-telling, whether fiction or non-fiction. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Thank you. Yes. "History can be a fascinating venue for story-telling, whether fiction or non-fiction." Thank you for your review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Fascinating story. I'll hurry on to read part two. This is an old story, passed on by diff people, so I imagine the details would be different. Combining them can only enrich the tale. :)
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Fascinating story. I'll hurry on to read part two. This is an old story, passed on by diff people, so I imagine the details would be different. Combining them can only enrich the tale. :)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Yes, Phyllis, in the four written versions I have, including two written by myself, some of the details shift, but the essential story remains the same. Thank you for your review.
