Boxcar: Part 1
Based on oral histories.36 total reviews
Comment from I am Cat
Hello Andre'
I am pleased to see another series from you. I am unpleased to come here without a six! How does that happen? All these crowns (of sonnets) written lately. This is amazing! Do you know how to embed your youtube videos on here? If not, I can tell you. I noticed you put a link, but not the video. Underneath your video is the word: SHARE (click that)... when you click that... see how it changes to another screen kinda and shifts... and the word EMBED appears below it? now click EMBED once you do, there is a link below that that is already highlighted... all you need to do is right click and hit COPY... come here in your 'box' (wherever you want it... be it, post or profile thoughts) and right click and hit PASTE (that will place a link down. hit SAVE... and then view your post... it should be showing there. If you have an Apple computer, it's a little different and easier. When you see the blue link after you hit EMBED, click COMMAND C (for copy) and then, come to where you want to paste it, and hit COMMAND V (for paste) ;)
Please let me know if I can help... i"m going to watch that link, but I'd love to see you attaching links to your work. I think it would catapult you UP the ladder, my dear man. ;) You're amazing to watch!
One thought:
Elizabeth and their master had a girl named Jennie who[m] Thomas raised as his own daughter."
(I think this should be 'who' not 'whom')
Hugs and love, (a VIRTUAL SIX my dear man)
Cat
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Hello Andre'
I am pleased to see another series from you. I am unpleased to come here without a six! How does that happen? All these crowns (of sonnets) written lately. This is amazing! Do you know how to embed your youtube videos on here? If not, I can tell you. I noticed you put a link, but not the video. Underneath your video is the word: SHARE (click that)... when you click that... see how it changes to another screen kinda and shifts... and the word EMBED appears below it? now click EMBED once you do, there is a link below that that is already highlighted... all you need to do is right click and hit COPY... come here in your 'box' (wherever you want it... be it, post or profile thoughts) and right click and hit PASTE (that will place a link down. hit SAVE... and then view your post... it should be showing there. If you have an Apple computer, it's a little different and easier. When you see the blue link after you hit EMBED, click COMMAND C (for copy) and then, come to where you want to paste it, and hit COMMAND V (for paste) ;)
Please let me know if I can help... i"m going to watch that link, but I'd love to see you attaching links to your work. I think it would catapult you UP the ladder, my dear man. ;) You're amazing to watch!
One thought:
Elizabeth and their master had a girl named Jennie who[m] Thomas raised as his own daughter."
(I think this should be 'who' not 'whom')
Hugs and love, (a VIRTUAL SIX my dear man)
Cat
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Oh my! I embedded my first video! Thanks a million, Cat. I deeply appreciate it. Thank you for your review and virtual six! : )
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You did? Yay!!! I'm going to look! Woot! Congrats!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh, wow, a true story. That is so exciting, and so well written. I am impressed with the amount of research you did to try and get an accurate, or mostly accurate, account of a story passed down through your family. Well done.
Rhonda
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Oh, wow, a true story. That is so exciting, and so well written. I am impressed with the amount of research you did to try and get an accurate, or mostly accurate, account of a story passed down through your family. Well done.
Rhonda
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Rhonda, I had four written accounts of the incident as told by my grandmother and father. I have two of the accounts in my diaries. I am still doing research. My guess is that a Freemason lodge active in the abolitionist movement before the Civil War, after the war switched gears and helped freed slaves resettle. The more I think of it, these Masons had to have been armed with guns in order to chase off the White Caps twice. I am searching for the town where this occurred. I know it is near the Ohio River, the town had to be large enough to support a rail line and a Masons' lodge. With some sleuthing, I may be able to pinpoint it. Ideal would be if I found newspaper accounts or Masons' records of the attempting lynching. I have to do the best I could with the material I have. Thank you for your review and support.
Comment from Serendipity!
He imagined them sizzling and drying up.(That gives one a good idea of just how hot they felt.) This is a very interesting history, I'm glad it was passed on. I would have liked to have heard more about the snake in the bed.
Boy, and obviously someone survived to tell the story!! Yes, what happens next?
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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He imagined them sizzling and drying up.(That gives one a good idea of just how hot they felt.) This is a very interesting history, I'm glad it was passed on. I would have liked to have heard more about the snake in the bed.
Boy, and obviously someone survived to tell the story!! Yes, what happens next?
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Serendipity!, I would like to know more about the snake in the bed, too. When my grandmother told me the story in 1990 about the snake in the bed of her great great grandmother, I did not write this detail down nor asked about it, but I always remembered it. I am very glad several of my ancestors survived to tell these stories. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Kooky Clown
What a truly great read I can't wait for the continuing story I don't think we know enough about how bad things were in the USA when slavery was accepted and the just after it was abolished. I am so glad that you are recording this in your writing keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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What a truly great read I can't wait for the continuing story I don't think we know enough about how bad things were in the USA when slavery was accepted and the just after it was abolished. I am so glad that you are recording this in your writing keep up the good work.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Kooky Clown, I am stunned that I have four written accounts of this story. I read forty years of my diaries to find two accounts and other stories. Now I have to read my mother's diaries and my father's newspaper interviews to find more info. I hope I am not the last great storyteller in my family. I will keep recording, writing, and sharing. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
You chose well. Like oral presentation, making the characters come alive can seem secondary to telling the story, but when you give theses people a voice, the story becomes memorable. Great job.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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You chose well. Like oral presentation, making the characters come alive can seem secondary to telling the story, but when you give theses people a voice, the story becomes memorable. Great job.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Ingrid, for your review. To make my real life characters come to life, I read accounts of the stories they used to tell. Once I got a bead on how they talked, I could fill in the rest. I am glad you found this story to be memorable.
Comment from Treischel
Wow! What an inspiring oral history that depicts two eras in history, the post-civil war era, and WWII. It shows the struggles encountered at those times with realism and conveys the courage of your ancestors to survive. Very well told.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Wow! What an inspiring oral history that depicts two eras in history, the post-civil war era, and WWII. It shows the struggles encountered at those times with realism and conveys the courage of your ancestors to survive. Very well told.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Treischel, I am quite pleased that my story "depicts two eras in history, the post-civil war era, and WWII." The struggles of the previous era were repeated in another era. I am glad you found our family's oral history "inspiring." Thank you for your review.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Cat. Outstanding writing as usual from you here: EXcellent story and wonderful imagery throughout...like this: "The license plates of bug-splattered cars read Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Oklahoma. Along with their dogs, people wilted in the patches of shade they found or created. (Bravo!)
And: "Mama Jennie gazed at her daughter Julia sleeping with her head in her lap" (I can visualize this, cat.).
The fact that this is a true story lends much creedence to your writing, my friend.
Suggestions: "which clustered between the cottonwood trees. (lost the "which" You don't need it)
Bravo! Can't wait to read the rest. I think you should have slowed it way down and made this into a novel. Bob
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Hi, Cat. Outstanding writing as usual from you here: EXcellent story and wonderful imagery throughout...like this: "The license plates of bug-splattered cars read Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Oklahoma. Along with their dogs, people wilted in the patches of shade they found or created. (Bravo!)
And: "Mama Jennie gazed at her daughter Julia sleeping with her head in her lap" (I can visualize this, cat.).
The fact that this is a true story lends much creedence to your writing, my friend.
Suggestions: "which clustered between the cottonwood trees. (lost the "which" You don't need it)
Bravo! Can't wait to read the rest. I think you should have slowed it way down and made this into a novel. Bob
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Bob, this might end up in a novel someday. I have so much material at my disposal.
I am glad you appreciate my "wonderful imagery throughout."
I will accept your suggestion of deleting "which."
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from jpduck
'Another solution I used was to not tell this story as a historical essay, but to keep it within the oral tradition.' (A great device, very well carried out).
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Mama Jennie nodded an excla[i]mation mark at her son' (Wonderful metaphor -- despite the typo {!}).
'Wherever you go, you could grow your own tobacco and make money.'" (Wherever single and double quote marks have to be adjacent, as here, it is customary to separate them with a space -- for clarity).
'Like I said, he was a well-respected man.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Jennie was [a] light-skinned and had blond hair on account of her father being their former master'
'Thomas was [really] afraid to [really] do much because of his life as a slave' ('really' should be banished from the English language: it doesn't do anything).
From Author Notes: 'My diary also contain*s* a version of this story told to me by my father.'
Adrian
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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'Another solution I used was to not tell this story as a historical essay, but to keep it within the oral tradition.' (A great device, very well carried out).
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Mama Jennie nodded an excla[i]mation mark at her son' (Wonderful metaphor -- despite the typo {!}).
'Wherever you go, you could grow your own tobacco and make money.'" (Wherever single and double quote marks have to be adjacent, as here, it is customary to separate them with a space -- for clarity).
'Like I said, he was a well-respected man.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Jennie was [a] light-skinned and had blond hair on account of her father being their former master'
'Thomas was [really] afraid to [really] do much because of his life as a slave' ('really' should be banished from the English language: it doesn't do anything).
From Author Notes: 'My diary also contain*s* a version of this story told to me by my father.'
Adrian
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Adrian, for your thorough review and corrections. I was unaware that I used "really" twice in the same sentence. Your other corrections are spot on. I, too, like the device of having Mama Jennie nod an exclamation mark instead of putting one in her dialogue. Thank you once again for helping me improve my story.
Comment from DonandVicki
A truly fasinating true story that pulls the reader into the work. I like the cast of characters and how you made them feel real with your well chosen words.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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A truly fasinating true story that pulls the reader into the work. I like the cast of characters and how you made them feel real with your well chosen words.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, DonandVicki, for your review. I am glad you found my true story fascinating.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I thought this was very well done. You do have a knack for storytelling, and I will definitely read the second section tomorrow.
The memory refreshed him, but not as much as his hand dipped into the pail to scoop and to rain water on his head.' This was the only sentence I would suggest changing. I suggest using a dependent clause after but. This would describe the action of sticking hand into the pail and then you could combine with the next action of scooping the water over his head.
They waited for the temperature to cool enough inside so they could sleep in their home.' You have a couple of these throughout the piece. As I became engrossed in the story, I lost the others. When you have two complete sentences separated by a a conjunction, use a comma before the conjunction.
I hope this is helpful. Have a great day!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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I thought this was very well done. You do have a knack for storytelling, and I will definitely read the second section tomorrow.
The memory refreshed him, but not as much as his hand dipped into the pail to scoop and to rain water on his head.' This was the only sentence I would suggest changing. I suggest using a dependent clause after but. This would describe the action of sticking hand into the pail and then you could combine with the next action of scooping the water over his head.
They waited for the temperature to cool enough inside so they could sleep in their home.' You have a couple of these throughout the piece. As I became engrossed in the story, I lost the others. When you have two complete sentences separated by a a conjunction, use a comma before the conjunction.
I hope this is helpful. Have a great day!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Russell, for your review and comments about the use of a comma before the conjunction of complete sentences. I will review my conjunctions in the story. I revised the water pail line by breaking it up:
"The memory refreshed him. He dipped his hand into the pail, scooped water, and rained on his head."
This reads more smoothly.
Thanks again for your review and correction.
